Five years ago I gave birth to my fifth baby followed by a tubal ligation. I was and am a conservative Catholic am against the use of birth control. I loved being open to babies and the grace I received from God through that obedience.
However, I have horrible pregnacies as does 9 out of 10 women I know. I usually loose the ability to walk and have to use a wheel chair - so between my back problems and the barfing… well. I’m weak in faith during that time anyway. So then a lady went through a red light smashing my van, my kids and myself at 4 months pregnancy, I freaked out and temporarily lost faith that God would support me. The baby was fine, beautiful and perfect at birth and still is almost 5 years later. But during my weakest state of about 7 to 8 months a long, and in and out of dr.'s appointments for my back, and wheel chairs, my doctor informed me that if I got pregnant again, I might have to live in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. I got a 2nd opinion and then went to my priest. To his credit he tried so very hard to convince me to have more faith, but in the end had to leave it in my hands. Same with my hubby. Neither wanted to have me in a wheel chair and blaming them. I went through with the tubal ligation.
I’ve been told by my spiritual director, friends, dh, parents, and other priests to seek peace through our Lord. Acceptance and peace. But peace is not possible. Acceptance is beyond my reach. I want, from people who don’t know me, just my circumstances to be brutally honest with me - well, don’t be brutal… but tell me this. Should I seek a way to have a reversal? This is a cost of 8 to 10 thousand dollars of which we don’t have. Insurance doesn’t cover. Should I leave well enough alone and keep praying for peace? This isn’t necessarily to have more babies, it is to be open again to God and His desires for married couples to be open to Life.
Part of me is very, very selfish. Life with dh has never been better in the marriage room and won’t be again if I have this done…see very selfish. Also selfish of me is that my dh needs a car and has sacrificed again and again his needs for mine and our children. He asked me not to do have the procedure in the first place, now if I reverse it, I will jeopardize his ability to purchase a car that doesn’t leave him stranded or in the shop over and over again.
Any thoughts will be prayed intensely over. Thank you.