Hello, I’m nineteen years old and would like to (I’m praying that God would like me to do this, I have a strong feeling) get married and start a family. I love caring for things, dogs, cats, kids etc. and think that I would make a great wife and mother. I myself had a wonderful mother (she had ten of us!) but here is the thing, while I might have a strong feeling for this, when I think of being married and then the act that would result in children I just get really grossed out. The thought of sex is just a little gross right now! It might be the result of being in a relationship where my ex looked at porn and MB’d. He would look at Sears and JC Penney catalogs in the bathroom too. I have been scarred by this I think and have it in my head that all men are selfish in this way. When I think of it (I don’t think about it like that way, I just know that I would have to do it, ya know?) I kinda get defensive in my head with thoughts like “Get your grubby hands off me!” or “I wish that I could get married and have kids without the sex” it sounds weird, but it’s how I feel. Can anyone help me? I want a family, but I have it in my head that all men are gross and perverted and there are no good ones out there. Thank you for reading! And I know not all men are gross, but it’s how I feel right now, my ex made me feel very horrible, just look at any post or thread about any girl who had a boyfriend that looked at porn and you will understand.
You either need time to heal, or you need counseling. Your hurt is causing you to condemn all men unfairly. Either the wound is still too raw and needs more time to scab over, or you have gotten yourself into a thought loop that you cannot get out of.
Your post sounds almost like a PTSD reaction. So you might want to speak to a counselor who can help you get over that.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Ah, thanks. I can’t afford a counselor, we don’t have a whole lot of extra cash, with ten of us and a dog. Maybe some good reading?
Here’s the thing… the “act” by itself is sort of gross. Certainly as it was depicted in the porn your boyfriend looked at. But that’s not at all how it will be with your husband. You will meet him, grow to like him, grow to love him and then get married. When you are together in an intimate way, it will NOT be selfish or disgusting - it will be beautiful and loving and JUST as God designed. You will want to give yourself to your husband, and he to you. Trust me.
So although I don’t have any reading material suggestions (hopefully someone else will) I just wanted to tell you that when the time comes to marry, it will be different for sure.
And a side note - was your previous boyfriend a good Catholic? Make sure of that for the next one…odds are, good Catholic boyfriend = good Catholic husband.
God bless you. (and your 9 sibblings and a dog! )
I second what yellowbird said. I was scared of sex until I fell in love with my husband. It’s funny how the love of that right man melts the fear away.
What?! You’re traumatized and feel terrible because your boyfriend masturbated? LOL, you’re overreacting.
Please! I’ve seen a ton of posts about girls addicted to masturbation. We’re not repulsive.
Thanks yellowbird and saltysirena! I hope what you say is true, my parents don’t like to talk about sex with us kids and my ex was the only one I got information from (a little too much, now that I think about it) And no, he was not Catholic, he was a Nazarene. I was really stupid (young, still am) for getting in a relationship with a guy who was not even Catholic. I needed it though, it really tested my faith and it’s made me a stronger person in faith and mentally.
I think you should tell your parents that they are neglecting their duty by not educating their children about sex. And that you have been damaged by that fact.
I am so sorry. My DH suffered similarly. His parents gave him no guidance or education at all, and he ended up having sex at 15 and then hating himself for nearly three years afterward. I don’t think he was able to really heal that until our sexual relationship, based on love and mutual giving.
Parents who neglect their children in this way should be ashamed of themselves. It’s inexcusable!
It seems like you didn’t get proper education about sex, and your only education about sex came from perverted sources.
Maybe you need to learn about sex from the Catholic perspective. God created sex, and it is meant to be an expression of love between the husband and the wife that unites them and sometimes brings new life into the world. Sex is a good thing.
I’m sorry you feel this way. I do agree with the other posters, that when you find the right man, it won’t seem so gross.
If my boyfriend had a problem with porn, I can imagine I’d feel the same way. Thankfully I’ve found a very good Catholic man.
And I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. Porn and MB is a disgusting thing. Sorry, that’s just how I feel. But the love of man and wife should be different. It is not selfish if it is the love that God planned.
Some of Christopher West’s books might help…he’s done a whole thing on JPII’s Theology of the Body. The Good News about Sex and Marriage is also a good read, though I don’t think it will address your specific concerns.
I can totally relate to what you’re saying though. There are moments when my DH–who is a good Catholic man–forgets himself and comes after me like a cave man. I actually find it pretty repulsive, and push him away til he approaches me in a more respectful manner.
Hang in there, my friend. It can be a beautiful thing, and I think once you find the right guy, it will be for you too!
While I suspect that you must have been exposed to some very negative influences regarding sex in your past, I have a hard time believing that you have these feelings just because a former boyfriend looked at porn. (Folks around here like to blame porn for all the world’s ills.)
Are you in school? Many universities offer very low cost (or even free) mental health counseling through the student health service. If not, perhaps there are some low cost community mental health programs you could take advantage of. You would be doing yourself a huge favor by making this a priority. What you’re feeling is not “normal,” and a good counselor might be very helpful.
Finally…PLEASE don’t allow anyone to get “serious” about you until you get these feelings sorted out.
Thanks for your advice guys, Kristie, Broken fortress. And rick43235, I haven’t been exposed to anything sexual beforehand, I have not been assaulted or watched anything like that, I was homeschooled and my parents made sure we didn’t view anything like that. Trust me, unless you are a women and this happened to you, I doubt you would understand.
My suggestion is that you find a saintly older Catholic woman who you and your parents trust, and ask if she would mentor you.
This suggestion of mine is very Biblical, as St. Paul makes it clear that the older women are supposed to teach the younger women. (Titus 2: 3 and 4)
Hopefully there is someone in your parish that is above reproach–perhaps your CCD teacher? Or do you have an aunt or a grandmother? Music teacher? Sports coach?
It sounds like your parents have their hands full with a big family, and it sounds like they are perhaps just a little bit unrealistically old-fashioned when it comes to sex education and are shirking their duty.
Yes, life is more than sex. But life begins because of sex, and God made sex for this purpose AND for the unitive purpose between husband and wife, and for those two reasons, it is a subject that parents should “do their duty” about and inform their children adequately.
My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. We were virgins when we were married, and we’ve never been with anyone else. Sex is an extremely important part of our marriage. Sex is what makes us more than just roommates or best friends. My husband works and plays (ice skating) with women, ice dances with women, talks with women, travels with women (business, ice skating), but he makes love (sex) to me and me only, not these other women. He gives parts of himself to other women, but he gives himself totally only to me, his wife.
I’m not suggesting that this woman mentor should become your “sex educator.” I’m suggesting that this woman should become a mentor to you–someone to answer your questions about love and marriage, men, children, and the real world, and give you a balanced WHOLESOME, Godly view of sex.
Men’s bodies are disgusting and repulsive so I would say that is a normal reaction. I am a man and trust me sometimes I disgust myself. Not only that but some of the things men do when no women are around are enough to choke a maggot. :o
The disgust with sex might have more to do with the way you were raised than your boyfriend looking at the JC penny catalog occasionally. I am guessing that you came from a very traditional family like mine (they’re 11 of us). Maybe learning Theology of Body will help you overcome your revulsion. I only say this because it was more or less my experience.
Wow, for a traumatized home schooled girl, you certainly do seem comfortable being quite frank about all of this.
Is there anything on CAF that isn’t fabricated? I don’t want to get jumped for this but I take everything on here with a grain of salt.
I may be naive about some things because I never got/get out, but I’m not shy and there’s no use beatin around the bush. If there is one thing I can’t stand is adults talking like they are talking to a little kid when there are none around, so to speak.