Want what I can't accept


#1

I don’t know if this is the proper place to post this but it seems to fit best here.
I’m 17, I kinda knew I wanted to marry since I was little, was sure at 10 and knew exactly what I wanted since 15. So unless God pulls the E-break (which I really hope He doesn’t) I would like to marry around 21/23.

The standards/priorities I’m looking for in a girl, are relatively normal. For an idea who I am and who I’m looking for here are my top five priorities. (not necessarily ranked, but all are close.)
First priority is I want a girl that’s naturally nurturing and caring, to be a mother. Second is a pure/chaste/modest lifestyle. Third, inclined to family life, i.e wants a large family, taking care of children, homeschooling, etc. Fourth is a healthy lifestyle. And fifth is attractiveness, being honest here, it’s natural.
Oh and must like pets! Turtles, dogs, fish and some farm animals. Liking Star Wars helps too.
Being faithful to God doesn’t need to be on the list, it’s a given.

My problem is I want those qualities yet I don’t feel worthy enough for me to accept them.

There’s a girl at my church that fits the bill perfectly But I don’t think I’d be able to date her. ( know her, but don’t at the same time. Using her as an example. It’s easier to type out then anything else.)

I don’t think I’d be able to do so is because of my past. Used to be addicted to masturbation and porn, I was simply addicted to it, with no hope of stopping in sight. I’m living a chaste lifestyle now. I catch myself lusting over girls on media or TV now and then, a big improvement from my past. I’ve stopped, go to confession regularly, read up on it, pray about it, alot, and have completely changed my lifestyle.

With my past I don’t see how I could date her without “smudging” her purity. I feel I’m dirty for just what I have seen and done, and therefore I am not worthy.

I’d be more than moral with her, let her set the bar, protect her, honor her, ask her dad for permission to date, the works. Yet my problem still arises, I still couldn’t just date her, I feel I’m not worthy enough and there’s someone better.

I have literally no experience with girls, only been friends with two, both used me and stabbed me in the back. But I do plan on building successful friendships with females, how? I have no cule, I plan to though.

Luckily for me I don’t plan on dating till I’m fully straightened out, and God gives me the green light. But with how fast he’s been moving with me I might be married this time next year :smiley: jk.
The past few weeks He’s been working with me real fast though.

So yea… I don’t know if my problem is my imagination, lack of experience/knowledge or a valid dilemma.

What do you guys think?
Any questions and advice is welcome.

Thanks


#2

You are young! Don’t worry if your time table is off! It’s good to know what you are looking for in a potential spouse. Many people list what qualities they don’t want.

By today’s standards, 21 to 23 yrs seems pretty young to get married. Would you or your spouse attend college?And also, it’s important that your future wife and you are on the same page.

For now, why not try being friends with girls? There is no hurry. God will place the right person in your life at the right time.

As far as your past, that is where you should leave it.
Your sins were absolved when you went to confession. You need to forgive yourself, just as God has forgiven you. You seem to know your triggers. Just stay close to our Lord and the sacrament of Reconciliation, continue to pray, and He will strengthen you!
Peace and all good!


#3
  1. I agree with Franciscan Way: 21-23 is a little young given the current economy, but it’s not impossible.

  2. Whoa, slow down, tiger! :slight_smile: You’ve hardly been acquainted with this young lady yet. There are still many mountains to climb before either of you can start thinking along matrimonial lines.

  3. “Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.” If you have abandoned your former lifestyle and had resource to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, don’t beat yourself up too much about it.

  4. Quoth St. Padre Pio: Pray, hope, and don’t worry. :slight_smile:


#4

I plan on being financially stable before marriage, be it through college and getting a regular job or starting a business. Whatever she does would be up to her. But as I said, I want girl inclined to family life. So it wouldn’t be a problem for being on the same page in the first place.

Have no clue how to make friends much less female ones. Besides most of the girls at my youth group like pop culture (Kanye, Beyonce, etc) which I’m extremely harsh and critical of.

I understand I’m forgiven, but I do not know how to forgive myself.

Thanks


#5

Old saying, I think Jewish… " When man makes plans, God laughs…" Heed this young man… My jaw is on the floor reading your first post… Work, live, give. above all GIVE


#6

I’m using ‘her’ as an example. It’s easier for me to use just one physical girl in mind rather than saying “my future,” a perfect hypothetical girl, or using “her” without piling on context every time. Was just easier to type

I don’t know how to let go. I don’t feel it’s right for me to date or marry someone who lived a more pure lifestyle. Yet that’s what I want my future wife to live, ideally.
I won’t hold past mistakes against ‘her’ it’s how she’s living now.

Thanks


#7

I don’t quite understand your point. Yes I make plans, yes I don’t want God to pull the E-break. Will I let God act out HIS plans for me? For the most part yes, it takes a lot for me to take a hint.

I said or implied “I want” a lot in that post, when It comes to marriage “I want” will come up a lot when the parties don’t even know each other yet. When they do, that will change from “I want” to “I want to help you.” So yes I understand giving comes along with marriage, I want a attractive wife, but that is met with the same in return. I want a large family. That involves an “I want” but entails a whole lot of giving. It’s all mutual when it comes to marriage, both parties need to agree.

I’ll end on a question; Would not making plans be testing God? If I were to not go to college and let God figure that out would I be testing him? I think yes


#8

21-23 is too young to marry. Are you rich/Is it possible to get a well paying job that young, since you want your wife to stay at home and have lots of kids (I realise i sound really snarky here, but don’t read it that way! :slight_smile: )

Wanting to marry is perfectly normal. I’m 18 but I want to marry around 26 ish, when I’m hopefully completely done with my education. We all have different plans in life and it is fine.

You’re so young. Please don’t expect to easily find a girl your age that hates Beyonce, wants to have 6 children and homeschool them. So relax. Most girls this age have different ambitions, want to travel, 2 kids, etc. They’re too young (you too!) to know what God has in store for them.
Likewise, the girl you like might have a strong passion to be a lawyer and would not want to be the woman you want her to be 10 years later.

What kind of worries me is your ideals. Not because I rather slit my wrists than to not have a job, but because it seems too high? To explain it properly, some people here warn girls to not read too much romance. Why? Because it sets the bar too high. A lot of girls want billionaire boyfriends who are incredibly good looking and sensitive and devoted and loving, loves God, etc etc. The standard is too high and they ignore that geeky boy in the corner who plays vidoe games even though the boy would cherish and love her to death.
Your idea of a perfect girl could have her own list, and you might miserably fail.

Basically my point is that, your spouse could be some woman who, I don’t know, wants to own a hotel, or teach at a highschool or something! Or she could be jamming to Beyonce now. Or she could be disgusted at children right now, but will change her mind when she sees her baby niece for the first time when she is 22. You get what I mean? Focus on being Mr. Right, trust that God will let you meet the person he wants you to be with.

And to add on, a decent girl would not worry about your past, as long as you don’t worry about hers. If I tell you now that your future wife used to be a prostitute but is now like you, leading a chaste life, would you accept her with no hesitation? If yes, then don’t worry. The past is the past. Anyway, I’m pretty sure it is impossible to find a guy who has not had a problem with lust.

I’m rambling, but like…don’t worry too much about marriage. Be the best person you can be. You’re too young. Most amazing people are really, really, really different when they are your age. Focus on friendships first


#9

You are worthy. Relax, say hello, be yourself. Ask her about her hobbies, her pets, her interests. Let the past go. God has forgotten it, and you should too.


#10

Scout,

Does your church have a youth group? You could meet friends there. Or possibly by volunteering and getting involved in ministries geared toward your age group.

Try to be yourself, but be the best version that God would have you be. You don’t have to like the exact music, etc. But, “agree to disagree” and try not to criticize other’s likes or hobbies aloud. Be the most upbeat and positive version of yourself! Be concerned about others. Ask about them, share a bit about yourself. I always told my daughter, you have to BE a friend to HAVE a friend.

As far as forgiving yourself, ask God to help you to forgive yourself. He will! As someone else said, “YOU ARE WORTHY!” God knows your heart!
I will pray for you too!
Peace :slight_smile:


#11

You are young, but not that young. I married DH when he was 21 (I was 23). It isn’t that young at all, I had a graduate degree and a good post graduate job lined up, and DH was almost through with school. We met when he was 19, btw.

Please know that when God forgives, he forgives completely. You are no dirty for past sins if you have confessed and been absolved. Coming from someone who has struggled with the same sins for years and years.

Do you have a job? Most people I know who are married met their spouse through work. My parents, my sister, myself…okay I don’t have a lot of married friends…but still. DH’s parents were set up by a family member.

Although I disagree with Lea101 that 21-23 is too young to marry, I do agree with a lot of the rest of her post. I’m pretty much your dream girl now, minus the star wars:

  1. I want a girl that’s naturally nurturing and caring, to be a mother. Absolutely am, and want to. I love being a mom, it is my everything. My children, my blessings from God. I did always want to be a mother, but when I first got married I wanted 1 child only. Now I want as many as God sees fit to give me, hopefully more (and I already have 2)

  2. pure/chaste/modest lifestyle. Well, when I say I am your dream girl now, it means I wasn’t when I met DH, but that is kind of the point.

  3. inclined to family life, i.e wants a large family, taking care of children, homeschooling, etc. Another one where I thought I’d have a high paying job and work, send kids to private school- nope, actually had kids, want to be a SAHM and homeschool.

4.a healthy lifestyle. This I did have when I met DH, to some extent.

  1. attractiveness, being honest here, it’s natural. Of course :smiley:

  2. Oh and must like pets! Turtles, dogs, fish and some farm animals. Keep trying to convince DH we need goats…

My point with that was to say that if you met me know (and I wasn’t married) I’d check almost all your boxes. But I didn’t at 21 (when I met DH) or even really at 23 when we married, but I do now. Lea101 had a point about women may want something different now and change, or not change.

You just need to focus on being the man God wants you to be.


#12

No I’m not rich, never have, I grew up poor for the most part. I never want to go back or put my future family through that. I learned a lot because of growing up poor.
I’ll accept being anything from a blacksmith, to a paramedic, owning a gunshop to finding the next General Dynamics. Would prefer the latter due to being able to change the world for the better, en mass.
Be as snarky as you want. A 17 year old boy wanting a large family sounds… Like he can’t wait for, something. The answer is I’ve just grown-up around a lot of large families in our home schooling group and liked the atmosphere. We were the only family with less than 3 kids. Everyone had more than 4

Yes finding a girl at my age that doesn’t like Beyonce is really hard, if a girl I like does like Beyonce that tells me she cares more about music taste than herself. Because I have no clue what is going on in a girls head when she’s listing to;

“Can you eat my skittles
It’s the sweetest in the middle
Pink is the flavor
Solve the riddle”

“[Verse 2:]
When you’re thirsty and need love
I give it up till I’m empty baby
Must be good to you
If you’re lonely in your bed, I’ll fill it up to the top, baby
Must be good to you”

I sure know it ain’t skittles.
So I’ll just stay away from girls that listen to that, especially when they say “it’s about the beat” Ya sssuuurree.
(if that’s inappropriate or too graphic I’ll edit)

Girls that want 6 children probably want to home school them already.
We’re not supposed to change someone to fit our liking right? Then why would I hang around someone who is the complete opposite of what I’m looking for waiting for them to have an epiphany?

My standards imo are fine. I’m not into the girl that is hot, popular, wears volleyball shorts to church, or leaves mass early. I’m into the girl that is cute/pretty, is friendly but doesn’t bring attention to herself, wears dresses or modest clothing at church, sings at mass and prays after mass etc.
Frankly I’m the “geeky” boy. But I’m not attracted to the girls that usually have over the top standards. It’s not like I’m asking for Anne Hathaway.

That’s why I am here. So I can focus on being “Mr. Right.”

I think I’m grasping it now, it’s two ways, “treat others how you want to be treated”.
Of course I’d be hesitate, there’s a difference if she was poor, forced into it, out of luck or just a slut that wanted money and sex. There’s no doubt I would accept a girl who was poor, out of luck, or forced (providing no trauma that I couldn’t handle or would endanger our kids down the road) but a girl that completely embraced it? I would hesitate, there’s a lot hypothetical situations that would go both ways.
Even before this post I have contemplated what I would do if a girl had a kid. Like if a girl was raped or simply had sex and as a result got pregnant. I feel I’d accept her with no hesitation, but not out of pity.

Want my questions answered before I’m even asked a question, I like to know what I’ll be getting into down the road.
I understand, and trying to. I don’t feel as young as everyone here is saying, I’ve matured faster than most though. And I am working my way towards friendship but don’t know how to pass some of the hurdles.

Thank you


#13

I’m trying to accept that. I will when the option arises.
I want to but don’t know how

Thanks


#14

Yes I’m one of the more active kids in it. We all segregate into out little groups of friends and that’s about it. When we volunteer it’s pretty segregated between friends as well.

As I just said above I’m against music that is past the ability to “agree to disagree” I’m mostly against pop culture but never really against hobbies, unless they’re useless like watching paint dry.
I’m just starting to come out of my “shell” and trying to be upbeat. The world we’re in isn’t the happiest time. Now that I think about I talk alot about myself with people I don’t really know, not of ignorance but trying to impress them? Something like that, forgot what it’s called.

I’ll work on that, and thank you


#15

I’m not saying that you have to date someome who is the complete opposite. For example, if i want a rich man who is going to take care of me, I’m going to miss out on poor guys who could be better husbands. So what I should do is to not completely shut the door on guys who don’t make a certain amount of money (in your case, it would be a person who wants to homeschool, not someone who is promiscuous!)

I don’t agree with you that people who have many kids would want to homeschool. I know a couple of 8 kids and both parents worked office jobs. However they are so adorable and close with each other and they were even featured in a documentary about family because of how bonded they are!

And please never call a woman a slut. It is very disrespectful. I run away from men who call women, even though she is a prostitute, a slut/any other derogatory words. And I know plenty of others will too. So be careful.

If you want to know a girl’s opinion about people like Beyonce here’s mine: I think she is beautiful and I love her vocals and her choreography. I love some of her songs like XO and Pretty Hurts, her explicit songs are catchy but I don’t approve of the message behind it and I usually avoid them just because it makes me laugh really really loud (I get tickled when someone is being explicit, God knows why. I’ll probably die of laughter on my wedding night).

Btw, if you cannot support a large family without her income, it’s quite…unfair. i sound horrible but if my husband expects me to stay at home and have lots of babies, I expect him to be able to provide me with a comfortable life, or at least a life without too much financial stress. I am NOT saying that we only care about money, a good woman should stick by you thick and thin but I think you know what I’m saying. Of course you are just 17. Study hard, get a good job and THEN worry about that. Focus on yourself, be friends with girls (not with any hidden motive, but there are plenty of hidden gems) and not worry about the perfect woman. I sound like a grandma when I say this but oh well: focus on your passion/grades and work extremely hard. Pray that you will be in a position to complement your idea girl!

For example, having an intelligent husband is really important to me. He has to be book smart and street smart and have something that he is really passionate in. Best case is that he should really love his job. In order to be a perfect match for him, I need to be smart because I know that an intelligent man like him wouldn’t want to be with a bimbo.

Quite hypocritical because most of us girls think of marriage since we were like 6, i know.

I know you are not some sexist pig and will work day and night to keep her happy. And that’s good! But like you said, you have to be able to give her a lot. But please find something you are passionate in! It’ll be easier for you to work hard this way. Just don’t worry too much about her.

Like I said earlier, a decent Catholic wouldn’t care about where you’ve been but where you are going. To quote Taylor Swift (lol): Who you are is not where you’ve been


#16

Hang out with her and a bunch of people, if she has social media, you can tweet/comment stuff like if she tweets that she is really stressed, reply back with “you can do it”. Simple messages like that will make her more comfortable. Please don’t hit on her through that though. We hate that. Once you guys have built a solid friendship, you can try hanging out with her alone. After that, you can tell her that you fancy her. If she feels the same way, yay! If not, take a deep breath, wish her all the best and know that you are not a loser.


#17

Noted. This is the first time I’ve used that word for a conversation, and was questioning if I should have even used it, which I take it I shouldn’t have. apologies.

I have a hard time with picking and choosing. I liked a band, the singer had a unique voice. The style fit my taste perfectly. I was able to brush off some stuff. Like the album cover it was a girl fully nude sitting, facing away from the camera, just a picturesque back, nothing revealing, erotic yes. In Europe it would be considered art. Then one day I found out a song was extremely sexual (I think about rape). Had no clue. Thought about it and dropped em. Didn’t matter there were 5 or 8 sexual songs in their whole career, I stopped listing to them and have done that with several other artists. Maybe I’m stuck up on principal but I feel if you need to pick and choose what songs a artist puts out because the topic is inappropriate, something is wrong with the artist. (I’m talking about genuinely listing to music, not something you put on with friends. I still draw a line when it goes sexual)

I’m not going to prematurely start a family or even get married before I’m financially stable to support such a family. I never want to put my future wife/family through what I have been through. You probably didn’t understand when I said “to finding the next General Dynamics.” General Dynamics is a golbal aerospace defense contractor. Yes, I want to surpass one of the worlds biggest defense contractors.
I’m 100% serious, not joking nor being cocky.
I can focus on grades and friendships/relationships at the same time. My friendships move as fast as snails, can only imagine how fast a relationship would go.

I’m passionate about a lot of stuff. Just not publicly. I can talk to someone all night long about what I like but the entire solar system needs to align before I’m open enough to talk about it. And that’s with people I’ve been acquainted with.
Otherwise it’s smalltalk and I completely suck at smalltalk.
I’m relatively smart (look, how ignorant of me), and yes bimbos are boring, But there’s a HUGE difference between a bimbo vs just less knowledgeable. A bimbo looks good and are fun but can be more annoying than anything, if they aren’t annoying they just look good. A less knowledgeable girl that is open to learning? Well they can be awesome/amazing gems. It does depend on the guy though, I really like knowledgeable conversations but also need to feel needed. Not ego but emotional.
It requires a balance.

One question. If girls mature faster than boys, how come it seems like most people are telling me at my age girls have, odd goals wants or ambitions?


#18

We don’t have social groups but their family has parties now and then. I don’t think she has social media. I don’t have any social media either so it’s moot.
Even in person I wouldn’t hit on her or any other girl. I’m not shallow enough.
But knowing myself, I would probably mess it up and say something like; did you fall from heaven? Because your face looks like it did

I understand building a friendship, getting to know each other then open up, and the rejection deal. The initial contact is the hardest part, but God seems to have been throwing hints at me lately, just don’t quite know what they mean.


#19

Please note that most of what you are writing about is about what YOU want. True love–in all senses of the term, including spiritual–is more concerned with the needs and desires of the beloved, not the self.


#20

I touched that on post #7.

In response in to your post:
Of course I’m writing about what I want, I feel I am not worthy of what I want. People here are telling me I am, I’m slowly grasping it, and understand some of it.
I do understand that me feeling I am not worthy means I care much more about my future beloved than my wants.


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