Wanting an end.


#1

I suppose that I’m looking for some sort of answers here. I’ve prayed for years for Him to just take me. I do not have a physical illness, I believe it’s simply a spiritual illness. I’ve struggled with this since my early teens, I’m 38, and have only had peppered moments of happiness. I do not have any plans of suicide, I just want this ride to come to an end.
My worst enemy is myself. I constantly feel unworthy, unforgivable and like a complete failure. I have hurt so many people and even though I feel horribly about it, I continue to make the same types of decisions and cause more pain.
Do any of you ever feel utterly lost? Have any of you been in this abyss and found a way out of it? I pray but how long do you have to knock before it is opened?


#2

do you pray the rosary?


#3

I used to daily. I still sometimes pray the chaplet of the Divine Mercy. I cannot seem to shake the emptiness. I’ve often wondered if I’m possessed or at least strongly influenced by the darkness.
I used to go to confession weekly, attended Mass weekly, etc… The darkness never leaves.
I’ve even been to a psychiatrist a few times in my life. They just want to hand out drugs so I said screw it.


#4

yeah lol, i dont really think hihgly of psychology but thats just my personal opinion.
why do you feel unforgivable? God’s mercy is endless.
you have to know that emotion is not important. therefore it doesnt matter if you dont “feel” elated or happy after you pray. emotions are a part of our physical brain, they have nothing to do with our will or spirit.
therefore dont worry if you dont "feel’ like you are forgiven, just ask for God’s forgivness, resolve to stay away from sin, and KNOW that you are forgiven.

i recommend you join the rosary confraternity by the way. it realy helped me, TRUST ME it wil help you too.
check it out its free to enroll,
rosary-center.org/howto.htm


#5

Go spend some time with religious, perhaps a weekend retreat. They might be able to help pull you out of your funk.


#6

Your worst enemy is the one convincing you that your enemy is yourself, friend. I will pray for you. So sorry to hear of your sorrows.


#7

I’m in the same boat. I’m not suicidal by any means, however. My life just seems completely pointless and meaningless. I don’t really have any hopes for a career/family/future. My Aspergers is really limiting any options I have. I pray about it and ask for God’s guidance, in addition to praying to St. Jude and St. Andre (of Montreal), but nothing seems to change. Because I have no idea what I want to do, I cannot even begin to formulate a plan to move on.


#8

Yes, psychiatrists no longer really counsel - that comes from psychologists, or licensed social workers. The psychiatrist is there to psycho-medicate. However, you may well need a course of anti-depressants, and if you have truly been depressed since your teens, you may need to be on them for the rest of your life. This is not medical advice, just wisdom I have gained from my own life.

I would urge you to seek counseling. You do not have to live in misery. You do need help to pull out of this state. Do not rule out medications - God has given us research and helpful substances and you can be a responsible person and still take an anti-depressant. If it weren’t for medications I wouldn’t be here typing this response to you.

Pray to St. Dymphna - the patron saint of mental illness, also Alzheimer’s.

If you have others who depend upon you, you owe it to them to seek help. Even if you don’t, you owe it to God and to yourself.


#9

Remember the parable of the talents? Life is a gift from God, and we need to do the best we can with what we’ve been given. It is very hard sometimes, and this is something I struggle with daily to remember. So many times I feel like I am without worth and use, especially that now I cannot even work. But I try to hold on to the thought that God made me, knowing all this would happen, so there must be something worthwhile about my life, even if I cannot see it.

Maybe try doing some volunteer work in your spare time. See what you have to give, and share it with others. It might help you to find some value in yourself when you see how much you can help others with just a little of your time and effort.


#10

Kite, I am sorry you are going through this. It is very hard to walk in shadow and find no consolation and joy in life. My prayer with you. It would be very difficult to say anything really helpful and clever from the distance, without knowing you, so please forgive if any of what I am going to say sounds awkward or seems to miss the point. But I will try.

  1. Clinical depression can originate from chemical imbalance (e.g. serotonin-deficiency). If lab results show this in your case, then what you have is an illness of the metabolic system. You can’t help it, you were born with it, it is no different from Type I. diabetes or PKU. If this is the case with you (lab test evidence), then please do access treatment. None of us would want to treat or cure diabetes with prayer instead of insulin. If you need synthetic serotonin, it is no different from taking synthetic insulin for Type I. diabetes.

  2. Your relationship with the Lord sounds OK from what you replied to another poster. How are your human relationships? Do you have a network of family, friends, significant other? Children? Are you OK that way?

  3. If (and when) the first two are sorted, maybe - just maybe - it would help to find a priest you really trust, or go on a retreat, make a life-confession to draw a line under everything and start afresh. But not before the two fist things have been addressed.

These were my thoughts on reading your post. However, the Lord loves you and will keep watch over you. :console:


#11

I’m right there with you, right now. I am on antidepressants, but only for one week now, so it’s too early for there to be any effect. Please listen to Juliane, and don’t dismiss medication. For many people they have been a life saver. Also, look into counseling and support groups. I go to two Celebrate Recovery meetings each week. These help because they provide some structure to my week, they give me a chance to talk about my depression and receive support from others, and because listening to and supporting other people helps me.

My prayers are with you, pray for me too!


#12

I'm puzzled by the wholesale dismissal of 'feelings,' while at the same time seeing contradicttionst ('we should not have to live in misery').

Didn't God give us feelings? And what do you do when nothing works?


#13

[quote="kite, post:1, topic:296245"]
I suppose that I'm looking for some sort of answers here. I've prayed for years for Him to just take me. I do not have a physical illness, I believe it's simply a spiritual illness. I've struggled with this since my early teens, I'm 38, and have only had peppered moments of happiness. I do not have any plans of suicide, I just want this ride to come to an end.

My worst enemy is myself. I constantly feel unworthy, unforgivable and like a complete failure. I have hurt so many people and even though I feel horribly about it, I continue to make the same types of decisions and cause more pain.

Do any of you ever feel utterly lost? Have any of you been in this abyss and found a way out of it? I pray but how long do you have to knock before it is opened?

[/quote]

Right away I can see you are humble. You admit your shortcomings. You are good. You'd like to be better. You are braving some serious emotional and spiritual storms YET you WON'T consider suicide (the easy way out, despair, a cowardly surrender, or copping out).

You may be having a "dark night of the soul" like some of the great saints (Jesus in the Garden, St. Vincent de Paul, many others had a crisis of faith but came through).

You have good insights. Unforgivable not being one of them. :tsktsk: Every day is New Year's Day with God's mercy and our repentence. :extrahappy:

Isaiah 1:18 Come now, let us set things right, says the LORD: Though your sins be like scarlet, they may become white as snow; Though they be crimson red, they may become white as wool. 19 If you are willing, and obey, you shall eat the good things of the land;

I have and do feel utterly lost sometimes. :sad_yes: When I went through my divorce (I was the 'left' party not the leaver); when I've been laid off (like now - with Unemployment Insurance gone, a too small pension to keep my place, and monthly bills exceeding my monthly income). Now that I can't pay the mortgage I'd contracted and paid so well since 2003, I feel like I'm stealing too. :eek: Good news today was there may be a program to help both me and the bank temporarily (and later, when I AM employed again I can "put things right" like the scripture above says).

You are doing well not to despair, but come here for counsel and fellowship. Pity parties should have and early curfew though. They can be deadly if we don't call them off (for all the perversely self-indulgent victimhood sympathy they may bribe us with).

I know what you mean about pills too. Sometimes Doctors are just guessing. Drug 'A' has good results with some, prescribe it. BAD side effect on patient ... uh oh. Cut the dose down. Prescribe another drug. etc.

A great non-medical prescription for the blues is to -- Do something for someone else! Someone who is in even worse straights than you are (to give us balance), or who can't pay you back!

THEN we know that (for at least that moment) we are doing God's will, are being ambassadors of His love, and are accomplishing our central purpose in life for all the
unattended to trivial details a critic might accuse us of. Even our own conscience.

Good luck with picking your NEXT good deed. Posting here publicly today with your honest, suffering heart will be hard to top but -- throw yourself a well-deserved YOU day now, you've earned it!

HAVE your favorite candy bar! Thank God for your taste buds. If it's a Mounds, Almond Joy or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup ... give the OTHER one to a friend. Or SOMEBODY. :)

(If you are diabetic ... have something else. And I will go to confession for my errant counsel that meant well.) ;)


#14

Nice counsel. I may have left the impression that I was in favor of dismissing good medical counsel and medications because sometimes (for some reason) they don’t ‘work’.

I started neglecting my high blood pressure medicines (because for a while you can’t tell the difference they make); and may have put my health in danger.

THE BIBLE ON DOCTORS, DRUGS, PRAYER AND HEALING COUNSELS

Sirach 38:1 Hold the physician in honor, for he is essential to you, and God it was who established his profession. 2 From God the doctor has his wisdom, and the king provides for his sustenance.

3 His knowledge makes the doctor distinguished, and gives him access to those in authority. 4 God makes the earth yield healing herbs which the prudent man should not neglect; 5 Was not the water sweetened by a twig that men might learn his power?

6 He endows men with the knowledge to glory in his mighty works, 7
Through which the doctor eases pain and the druggist prepares his medicines; 8
Thus God’s creative work continues without cease in its efficacy on the surface of the earth. 9 My son, when you are ill, delay not, but pray to God, who will heal you:

10 Flee wickedness; let your hands be just, cleanse your heart of every sin; 11
Offer your sweet-smelling oblation and petition, a rich offering according to your means.
12 Then give the doctor his place lest he leave; for you need him too.13 There are times that give him an advantage,

14 and he too beseeches God That his diagnosis may be correct and his treatment bring about a cure. 15 He who is a sinner toward his Maker will be defiant toward the doctor.


#15

+JMJ+

[quote="Sailor_Kenshin, post:12, topic:296245"]
I'm puzzled by the wholesale dismissal of 'feelings,' while at the same time seeing contradicttionst ('we should not have to live in misery').

Didn't God give us feelings? And what do you do when nothing works?

[/quote]

My thoughts exactly. God gave us feelings, therefore feelings are good (not just neutral as some people have said).

But if we want to make our feelings to show us how good they are, then we must let them show to us their true characteristics. And if there is one thing that we can characterize feelings to be, it is them being wild.

If we want to let feelings to be good to us, then we must let them have room to be wild. But how can we do this?

Let us tackle first that most dreaded of emotions, fear. Let us read what Bl. Mother Teresa of Calcutta had to say about this, in an interview with TIME before she died:

[quote=http://web.archive.org/web/20081013014124/http://www.servelec.net/mothertheresa.htm]Time: Have you ever been afraid?

Mother Teresa: No, I am only afraid of offending God. We are all human beings, that is our weakness, no? The devil would do anything to destroy us, to take us away from Jesus.

Time: Where do you see the devil at work?

Mother Teresa: Everywhere. When a person is longing to come closer to God he puts temptation in the way to destroy the desire. Sin comes everywhere, in the best of places.

Time: What is your greatest fear?

Mother Teresa: I have Jesus, I have no fear.
[/quote]

It is when you place all your fear in the Fear of the Lord that you will have no fear. And what is the fear of the Lord? It is a fear of losing the Lord, of throwing Him away from your life because of sin.

[quote=http://frjoemccloskey.tripod.com/contemplations/id6.html]There are times when we do not want to live with our Lord, but we need him, whether we know it or not. Every time we pick something other than our Master, and make it, even for a moment, the meaning of life, we feel the grumbling of our hearts, calling, calling, calling us back to this God, whose absence we fear.** Just like the awesome experience of his love living within us, fear of losing the Lord can be one of the freeing experiences of life. We will do the impossible to keep him.**
[/quote]

And how will you not lose the Lord? Why, just keep on living in the present! God's reach may extend to the past and the future, but He is only here, in the present moment. That's why He is called the great I AM, not the "I Was" or the "I Will".

Whenever regret (holding on to the past), anxiety (holding on to the future), envy (holding on to what is not yours), greed, lust, or gluttony (holding on to anything other than God) hits you, an even greater fear must hit your heart: I AM LOSING THE LORD! You then focus yourself to what you are doing right now----your present duty----because there is where you will find the God of Peace and Joy.

"God walks among the pots and pans." -- St. Teresa of Avila

Now, do you see why it is said numerous times in Scripture that "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom?"


#16

I think what someperson555 was talking about was not feeling anything during or after prayer. Feelings are not the desired result of prayer, just an occasional pleasant side effect. We should not pray for consolation, just accept it when it comes and let it go when it leaves. Otherwise we may end up confusing our emotions with God.

Depression is a different story though, it is important to take care of. I have no advice on that though.


#17

I decided to weigh in on this. For those who dismiss feelings are likely to have happiness in other parts of their lives, so it doesn't get as weight as much for them in prayer. Yes, I'm giving a broad brush with this. However, there are people, such as I and maybe the OP, to who happiness is denied. It's akin to showing a rainbow to a blind person. I could have a string of luck and fortune from getting a job, having a friend, being married and having a family that would make a leprechaun jealousy and I would still feel the same way. Yes, we could get treatment. Which one as there are not only different medications, but therapies as well as theories as to why people are the way they are. Logotherapy? Adlerian? Which therapist? When I had insurance and a doctor, I didn't like him personally, but took extra steps to ensure I got well. With therapist, a personal connection is needed. You have to have trust to tell that person things you wouldn't tell anyone else? Oh, and you have to do this in a limited number of visits as most insurance plans will only a few visits. Otherwise, it's $120 a visit, but you might find a sliding scale. Want county? 6 month waiting list and a large case load made even larger due to the economy, which is cutting the budget. "What was your name again?" as they shuffle through the files. Medication? Which one and what dosage or combination? Some depression, such as mine, are drug resistant. And the cost. I haven't driven my car in 2 weeks due to the cost of gas and, oh, lack of job (which if I had one, I'd probably be bad at it) and, although not name brand, generics aren't cheap.

So, instead, I drink my Pepsi by the liter, eat lots of comfort foods (I'm craving blueberry pancakes right now), watch TV shows and read books to get a brief feeling of pleasure. Notice I didn't say happiness. I have an idea of what that feels like due to memories, which were few and far between, but that's it. I mean I have a memory of it. Just as you remember how much pain a splinter caused you, but you don't experience that pain at that moment, is how those memories of happiness are to me. So, not comfort for me there. If I eat and drink enough I can reach a level close to it, as far as I can remember it, but that's it. Just as joy isn't the same as happiness, pleasure isn't that same as happiness. But I can sure fake it as well as drink a Pepsi 2-lter and fall asleep a few minutes later. Money can't but happiness, but being denied that, it sure can ease the pain. And I wouldn't have to interact with people who tell me to just over it or it's in the past. I don't know how. I'm supposedly very intelligent, for all the good it does me, but not wise and miss the connections and some times obvious. However, as I said before, it likely wouldn't matter, I'd still be blind to happiness. So, I want to blind myself to the world, which is why I look forward to sleep. For several hours I don't have to feel anything. The darkness of sleep protects me from the darkness of my life. Darkness here and there. No light.


#18

[quote="kite, post:3, topic:296245"]
I used to daily. I still sometimes pray the chaplet of the Divine Mercy. I cannot seem to shake the emptiness. I've often wondered if I'm possessed or at least strongly influenced by the darkness.

I used to go to confession weekly, attended Mass weekly, etc... The darkness never leaves.

I've even been to a psychiatrist a few times in my life. They just want to hand out drugs so I said screw it.

[/quote]

Go to a medical doctor. It may be a chemical imbalance in your brain. That's what happened to me. :gopray2:


#19

A psychologist and psychiatrist may be able to help. Studies show that combinations of therapy and drugs works better than either on their own. Find a therapist you like.


#20

This is true but jesus Christ will help you more.

:heaven:


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.