Hey all, I guess I’m just writing this post to get some advice and even if I don’t get any posts, I at least hope to organize my thoughts a little. Anyway, hear I go…
So, I guess you could say I’ve struggled with the “bad crowd”, although I don’t like that term because they can be great friends. Anyway, perhaps it’s because I’m a football player and the image we have that I found myself in the “party scene”. I should say that my faith has made a complete turn in the last year, and I want to live as a Catholic. The problem is I’m finding that getting rid of my “old ways” and trying to live Catholic is so very very difficult, especially when you attend Canada’s number one party school, on a “party” floor and everyone seems to be caught up in the bar scene first year.
My first approach was isolation. I told myself that I had to get away from these people and the partying would die down. It did, but then I fell. I did this several times, each time failing.
My last approach was the most successful, I isolated myself more by placing a “smoking ban” in my dorm room. Now all the potheads are gone, and suddenly I’m not their friends. Go figure. Then to help myself even more, I humbled myself with prayer. I guess the best news is that I now have a serious prayer life. This approach was working great, my studies have increased and I’m workingout as often as I should be. I felt great.
But then, just last night I fell again.
I had sworn to myself that I would never smoke pot again, so I’ve been hanging out with my team mates more often because we tend to stay away from pot because of the fear of random drug tests. Anyway, I was ridden with loneliness (even potheads can provide company) and when a couple of team mates of mine showed up to go out for a couple drinks, I was hesitant but couldn’t say no, especially since my one friend said it would just be a drink or two, and we’d be back before 12.
Well some 8 odd pitchers later (among friends) and around 2 in the morning, that didn’t seem to be the case.
So I guess I’m looking for advice. I can’t recall the last time I’ve gone out with friends and have a good time that didn’t involve substance abuse of some kind. This style has kinda carried on from high school and I want out! But the problem is, I just don’t know how to be myself without a beer or joint in my hand.
(and yes, I realize how stupid that sounds and I also realize that the drunk me is not the same as the real me)
One possibility is I fear I might suffer from social anxiety, but I feel that by even exploring that possibility I’m some how giving in and taking the easy way out. I say social anxiety because every time I’m in a crowd, sometimes even just the presence of 3 people can do it, and I just can’t function “normally”. I’m worried about what everyone else is thinking, I find myself always looking around the room trying to see if people are looking at me. Also , even if I’m in the company of the best of friends, as soon as were in a crowd all the sudden I’m silenced. I just don’t know what to say, but the thing is, all the sudden I can talk when I’m hye or drunk, but the problem is, that isn’t really me.
Another problem I have is that I use lies to cover up my reasons for quitting this lifestyle. I say I’ve quit drinking or I’ve quit smoking because of training or studying or because I can’t control myself. But I don’t have the strength to say I’ve quit because I find this abuse morally wrong. And that is the honest reason. I couldn’t handle the guilt I feel every time I woke up with a hangover or when I felt burnt-out the next day. Should I share that it’s my new found faith that’s turning me away from this lifestyle? I would share this, but I fear that would turn people away and I already have hard enough time with socializing.
And the last problem is the loneliness. Looking around residence, it seems that only the “shut-ins” (those that don’t go out of their rooms) are the only ones who don’t live this way. But during these past few weeks where I isolated myself, I couldn;t handle the loneliness and I guess that’s why I jumped at the possibility to go out last night despite knowing it wouldn’t be just a “few drinks”.
Oh and I’d like to hear what you think on confession? The thing is, I would hate to confess now because I fear that I may fall again and so I’m waiting until I’ve cleaned myself up before I confess. Is this the wrong approach?