Wanting to stop cohabitating


#1

My fiance and I are currently in college. At college we have seperate dorms and the problem of cohabitation is not a problem. However when we go back home for the summer we usually sleep in the same room and bed. This year we each found Christ in the Catholic Church and have both given up our pre marital relations, but the cohabitation over the summer is still a problem. His mom lives too far away from where he works for summer to be even a possibility and his dad will not allow him to move back home for the summer.

My question is if we live in seperate rooms for the summer but in the same house would this be alright? We are currenly in RCIA and we havent cohabitated since last summer.

I know all about the statistics of divorce in relation to cohabitation but that isnt the only reason we want to stop. We both have agreed that we are taking our faith seriously. It is not out of fear that we want to stop cohabitating but that our relationship, I am sure, pains God. Can anyone lend any advice on what to do. Remember for 9 months out of the year this isnt a problem we live in seperate dorms while at school and we will be married by next summer.

By the way I plan on going to confession with in the next two weeks to humbly offer my sins to God. Thank God for the Catholic Church.

God Bless!


#2

If you’re able to do without sleeping together while you’re at school, and you don’t find yourself going back into your old habits, then you should be fine sharing a house together as well.

It’s certainly not objectively sinful, as long as you don’t think it will be an occasion of sin either then go for it.


#3

Except that we are to avoid even the appearance of evil, and living in the same house would not do that.
Friends and family would probably assume that you were going on the same as ever, and that your new faith was not a very serious matter. Then it becomes an occasion for scandal.
Can your fiance rent a room for himself? That should not be too expensive if he has a job.
Or you could talk to your priest who might be able to recommend a place; there are some houses for young Catholic men in some areas.
I congratulate you on your dedication to your faith; God will surely bless your marriage as a result.

I don’t think you’re able to go to the sacrament of Reconciliation (confession) until after you’ve been accepted into the church. But I’m sure the priest would be willing to talk with you. But there are priests and then there are priests. If you run into a curmudgeon or two, don’t let that put you off the church.
God bless and keep you.


#4

It is best to live separately to avoid the occaision of sin. Both for ones own temptation and also the sin of tempting another. It is best to avoid the sin of scandal as well as has been mentioned. We don’t want to look like we are sinning because it encourages sin and scandal in others.

That being said , sometimes there are extenuating circumstances such as having no family support etc. If there really is no other choice financially then to live with each other you can do so providing there are two separate sleeping areas and also you have a plan for if one of you feels tempted.

You should also be on the look out to change the living arrangement in the future if possible.It should be short term .

Keep studying the Catholic faith and remember to pray for the strength to persevere in chastity. There are some resources on the web and of course some books.

Be strong. Both your souls are depending on it.

Keep in discussion with a priest. If anybody know some tips on how to stay chaste it would be a priest or nun. So you both should be in Spiritual Advisement.

When are you coming into the church?


#5

Some helpful articles-

catholic.net/RCC/Periodicals/Faith/9%2010%2098/Chastity.html

chastitycall.org/

domestic-church.com/CONTENT.DCC/20000101/ARTICLES/chastity_trth.htm
This one is a reminder that chastity does not end at marriage.

greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=00CUIw
Remember Lewis was not Catholic but a goody anyway

pureloveclub.com/

You are not alone in this struggle.But with Christs help you can persever becasue anything is possible with Christ.


#6

as a practical matter of human nature, sharing a house in a continent relationship will be extremely difficult because of your past history, and hard enough even if you had not yet been together. Make every effort for one of you to rent an apartment, rent a room, find a job that gives you living quarters. The solution you propose is going to put you in continual temptation. Also pay attention to your dating, don’t allow dating to put you in problematic situations.

If you can meet the challenge of this time period by finding ways to be together, communicate, have fun, help others w/o sex you will have the foundation for a strong healthy marriage. If you find you cannot spend time together without thinking about sex, planning for sex, ending the evening with sex, then you will find down the road your marriage lacks true intimacy and real soul communication.
If the reason for sharing a house is financial, what is keeping you from getting married now? You love each other, you each believe you are meant to share life together, what is the problem? You still have to finish school, establish careers, save money etc? do this together with the love and support of each other.

I just don’t understand long engagements. If you are meant to be married, get married. I hear all this “we can’t afford to get married” but these couples are missing half the fun of early married life. Sharing the joys, sorrows, sacrifices, struggles, hard work builds a marriage and those early challenges make you strong, and you will look back on the years you are poor as some of the happiest of your life.


#7

Why not start praying now that God will provide suitable arrangements? You still have a few months to find separate living quarters :slight_smile: —KCT


#8

My daughter has been engaged over a year and won’t be married until spring of 2007. Basically a 2 1/2 yr engagement. I think it’s silly. Get engaged when you’re ready to get married. Having a long engagement seems to me too much like trying to hold on to someone. ‘We can’t get married anytime soon, but I don’t want to lose you, so let’s get engaged.’

We’re attending a wedding this weekend. The bride and groom got engaged in Dec and are marryng in March. It can be done! —KCT


#9

Perhaps you could do some house switching with a friend (or other family) or two.

Make some sweet deal where your and/or fiance’ can switch places with a friend or two.

Trade roomates.

Sweeten the deal with offers of cooking dinner and cleaning house.

Make them feel like staying at your place is a kind of vacation.

Summer is only 2 months long.
My best advice is that it may not be sinful but the further away from temptation you are the better.

I’m a newlywed and can tell you that it can be very difficult to avoid temptation even for practicing faithful Catholics that go to frequent reconcilitation.:thumbsup:

===========

  • On confession I do know of some priests that will let you go to confession as a pre-exercise. They will listen and talk with you. They may suggest correction - but they cannot administer sacramental absolution. It has been my experience that most priests will be understanding if you get into the confession line on Saturday afternoon. When you get inside tell them right away what your staus is with the church and why you are there.

You should not worry to much about that right now. If you are sincere about your conversion but still haven’t completed your RCIA and Baptism - there is such a thing as “Baptism by Desire” for those that are in the process of becoming Catholics. {Should you die on the way}:cool:

Good Luck & God Bless


#10

Forgive me for asking… But to where are you going that you get such an arrangement of available rooms? Are you living with your family and they are providing a free room for your fiance?


#11

Thanks for everyones advice, I really appreciate it. God Bless you all. I will try to answer everyones questions individually. To make it more clear we go back to my parents house for summer and winter.

puzzleannie

Make every effort for one of you to rent an apartment, rent a room, find a job that gives you living quarters.

We thought about him getting an apartment but arnt leases for years or atleast 6 months at a time? We will only be home for 3 months and then we go back to school where we have seperate dorms. Also another thing is he gets no financial help for school from his family so every penny he makes over the summer goes towards the school year.

When are you coming into the church?

This Easter, I can’t wait. Thanks for asking!

uncleauberon

Perhaps you could do some house switching with a friend (or other family) or two.

This is a great idea and probably what we will end up having to do because I dont think we will be able to get an apartment for only 3 months. We work different hours, he will work at night and me during the day so we will be sleeping at different times. There will only be two nights out of the week that we will be in the house together at night so maybe for those two nights he can go sleep at his Brothers. What does everyone think about that idea?

uncleauberon

Forgive me for asking… But to where are you going that you get such an arrangement of available rooms? Are you living with your family and they are providing a free room for your fiance?

It is a fair question. He was kicked out of his fathers the summer after our senior year in HS because he accepted a football scholarship to a school his father did not want him to go to (out of state). So at the time we werent religious or anything and we were going off to school in the fall anyways so he slept at my house until school started. He isnt allowed back now because he is becoming Catholic. His dad said he would move him back in if he would renounce his faith and stop going to a Catholic Church. We never thought about it until we found the wonderful blessing that is the Catholic Church, and now are trying hard to correct our wrongs, and there are a lot of them.

About confession, my RCIA class indicated that we were to confess before we recieve communion. I dont understand, how are we supposed to be in a state of grace and out of mortal sin if we cant confess before we take our first communion and officially become part of the Church? Maybe I didnt understand it right when it was explained. We had out rite of election and the sacrament was explained to us and we were invited to take part when we were ready. By the way I was baptised Catholic, I just never had my first communion.

So correct me if I am wrong but from my understanding from everyones replies is that it is not a sin to live in seperate rooms in the same house, we are to just aviod temptation. So if we don’t give into our temptation we will be ok? Am I understanding this correctly?

Thanks again everyone

God Bless


#12

That sounds like a god arrangement.

Then your course is easy. (Most of us assumed that you weren’t baptised)
Your first confession/reconciliation is at your schedule.

Do a good examination of Conscience.
Follow the format
Do it this weekend.
Why not sooner than later ?

Yep, that seems to be the consenus.

Accept the one person that mentioned that you should also avoid “appearance of scandal (sin)” does have a point.

Make sure everything is “above board”.

God Bless


#13

You indicate that you will be married “next summer.” I’m assuming that means summer 2007.

Have you begun marriage preparation with the Church? Have you discussed your situation with your priest?

If you have – if you are getting marriage preparation, and your priest is aware of your particular situation – the wisest course might simply be for the two of you to gather up a couple of good Catholic witnesses, and arrange with Father for a simple marriage ceremony. Now, not next year. There’s no need for an elaborate wedding, or even for a Mass. You can always have a Mass later, at which you publicly renew your vows, and you can have a reception any time.

You could certainly marry, and still choose to live in separate dorms at school. But you might not want to; you might find that your school offers housing for married couples that is as inexpensive (or possibly less expensive, even with a food budget factored in) than the cost of two dorms, two meal plans, etc.

logos


#14

All the advice here is excellent…if at all possible two seperate residences would be the way to go. I was married last summer and my husband and I had no choice but to live in the same house. We had seperate bedrooms and did not co-habitat in the typical sense. Our pastor understood this but some of our friends just assumed otherwise. It was very difficult. Not only the appearances part but the temptation part too. Ever hear the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak? Yup, I understand it. We had an agreement, we both helped to lead each other in prayer when the other was feeling weak. We spent alot of time praying! It wasn’t the best situation in the world but it was the best that we could do. In the end it will come down to doing what is best for both of you. Like I said before, the advice you have received is good, and if at all possible you should reside in seperate homes.


#15

[quote=puzzleannie]as a practical matter of human nature, sharing a house in a continent relationship will be extremely difficult because of your past history, and hard enough even if you had not yet been together. Make every effort for one of you to rent an apartment, rent a room, find a job that gives you living quarters. The solution you propose is going to put you in continual temptation. Also pay attention to your dating, don’t allow dating to put you in problematic situations.

If you can meet the challenge of this time period by finding ways to be together, communicate, have fun, help others w/o sex you will have the foundation for a strong healthy marriage. If you find you cannot spend time together without thinking about sex, planning for sex, ending the evening with sex, then you will find down the road your marriage lacks true intimacy and real soul communication.
If the reason for sharing a house is financial, what is keeping you from getting married now? You love each other, you each believe you are meant to share life together, what is the problem? You still have to finish school, establish careers, save money etc? do this together with the love and support of each other.

I just don’t understand long engagements. If you are meant to be married, get married. I hear all this “we can’t afford to get married” but these couples are missing half the fun of early married life. Sharing the joys, sorrows, sacrifices, struggles, hard work builds a marriage and those early challenges make you strong, and you will look back on the years you are poor as some of the happiest of your life.
[/quote]

I agree. :thumbsup:


#16

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