When I became religious is 7th grade, it was all because of my Nana. She still offers me guidance and joy whenever I see her.I get to see her almost daily. Anyway, when I started, all I had was a Lutheran bible and a cheap rosary(I didn’t even know what a rosary was.) My mother took away that bible from me after she found me reading it. I fell deeply inlove with the Old Testament. After that Bible was gone, I walked to my grandmothers everyday after school to use her Catholic one. She gave me hundreds of books to choose from and she helped me quit watching so much TV and a lot of phone time. After about 2 months, I had my first real denial of God cross my mind. For 2 years straight I would always be muttering “I believe in God, I believe in God, God is real, He isn’t fake”. I never stopped ever. I still do it because If I ever stopped, I would be bombarded by horrible thoughts. It’s not as bad anymore. I started going to Church on Sundays and I taught myself the rosary. I still sneak out to adoration sometimes, I even went to confession every Saturday. The priest once asked me if I had a spiritual director and I never did. My grandmother said that meant the priest saw something very special about me. Now I have ended up worse then when I started. I am in all kinds of mortal sin. I have:
- Started cursing again
- Talking back
- Hating people
- avoiding confession
- skipping Church
- Caught in porn and masturbation
- Stealing stuff from family
- Lusting after boys
- Never praying
I am currently (about) 15. I want to badly to go back to my devoured life but I have no one to lean on. My family calls me names and taunts me about how ‘religpus’ I was. I really can’t keep dealing with my family, my brother, sister, and even ADULT family members say the most hurtful things to me. They call me a hypocrite and everything but they don’t see how much I am trying to recourse my life. I never had many friends and currently in high school I have no friends and I was very lonely at one point. I was so depressed and lonesome this year about what I had been doing and how no one could understand my spiritual pain that I did something so terrible it made my parents send me to therapy. Now I am always so angry and upset that I have developed a hatred for my family and even wish for their deaths in front of them. Avoiding confession has made me so apathetic that I no longer feel anything but anger and even hatred for who I once was. I went from holding Gods hand to dancing with demons. I am so sick of everything and yet I just want to care again. Please, I just want you to remember me and pray for me. A rosary or simple ‘Bless Marina Elaine’ or anything, just say it. Heck, ask a little one to pray for me because God loves the prayers of children.
Thank you for reading this. Almost all Therapists in New York aren’t Catholic, and my family is about as Catholic as Judas(minus my grandparents).
God bless you all. I’m sorry that you had to read that all