See, I’m not saying I was patterned after her, but that I was trained to work in response to her. So for example, because she didn’t like being criticized, I was taught that bringing problems up to people was mean and selfish. Or I was taught that being too sensitive was a major problem and if I felt hurt then it was probably because I was really feeling guilty about something I did, and it wasn’t fair of me to “make my feelings someone else’s problem.” There was also a lot of if you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t have to do that. Basically constantly being told I provoked her by being such a bad person. Even if I was really doing pretty normal things.
Basically, it means I had years of being taught that, unless you met an impossible standard, setting any boundaries at all on the other person meant you were worse than they were. So of course when I examined my relationship I felt I was responsible - because I’d been taught in a way that encouraged me to see myself as guilty for not being the perfect victim. Not because I was actually causing the problem, but because I’d been put in a position where taking responsibility for other people’s emotions and reactions was normal and natural and not doing so was selfish and hateful.
It is useful to look at how you react. I’m just cautioning that it is extremely common for those who are used to toxic people - especially those raised by them - to think they are responsible for far more than is realistic, and to think they’re equally guilty as an abuser for not being perfect. Definitely smart to involve a counselor though, or at least some outside viewpoint.