A few years ago, I used to really be obsessed with the Catholic faith. I believed whole-heartedly that following it was to way to be a good person, & I devoted myself entirely. But nobody ever…liked me, even though I had the best intentions. I think I gave people the wrong impression somehow…And even my own parents wouldn’t explain; they left me completely cold (which is weird…my own father had a horrible attitude to religion, but he had drummed it into me & made me insecure in the first place. And now he was more or less blaming me & leaving me like that. But they’re another story.)
Anyway, this continued for about a year & a half, & then I was talking to Catholics on the Internet. When I started talking to them, I believed they would all be very wise & nice, & be able to help me with my problems & teach me what to do. But I was very innocent. In the end, there were a handful of very nice ones, & the rest either ignored me, or were mean, or spiteful, or only interested in debating. It was awful. I tried to overlook it, but after a few months of listening to them, I became very confused, & my soul began to suffer. I have gotten over them now, but I have never gotten over my return to sin, which was caused by all the sadness & confusion.
But I know I should have been stronger than to let them upset me, & I know God put me through all this for the very purpous of making me stronger. And during the time when I was so genuinely devoted to him, he rewarded me richly, in ways I never could have dreamed of, & those were the nicest & most peaceful days of my life.
Now, however, it seems like some part of me is still sulking, or just not interested in returning to him. I have no intention of ever listening to those mean people again, but it’s sad that they effected my soul in this way…
I don’t really know what to do…This has been going on for ages & as much as I try to analyse the situation by myself, it doesn’t seem to help, or to bring the spiritual vivacity back to my soul.
Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.