Weird..my spiritual story


#1

A few years ago, I used to really be obsessed with the Catholic faith. I believed whole-heartedly that following it was to way to be a good person, & I devoted myself entirely. But nobody ever…liked me, even though I had the best intentions. I think I gave people the wrong impression somehow…And even my own parents wouldn’t explain; they left me completely cold (which is weird…my own father had a horrible attitude to religion, but he had drummed it into me & made me insecure in the first place. And now he was more or less blaming me & leaving me like that. But they’re another story.)

Anyway, this continued for about a year & a half, & then I was talking to Catholics on the Internet. When I started talking to them, I believed they would all be very wise & nice, & be able to help me with my problems & teach me what to do. But I was very innocent. In the end, there were a handful of very nice ones, & the rest either ignored me, or were mean, or spiteful, or only interested in debating. It was awful. I tried to overlook it, but after a few months of listening to them, I became very confused, & my soul began to suffer. I have gotten over them now, but I have never gotten over my return to sin, which was caused by all the sadness & confusion.

But I know I should have been stronger than to let them upset me, & I know God put me through all this for the very purpous of making me stronger. And during the time when I was so genuinely devoted to him, he rewarded me richly, in ways I never could have dreamed of, & those were the nicest & most peaceful days of my life.

Now, however, it seems like some part of me is still sulking, or just not interested in returning to him. I have no intention of ever listening to those mean people again, but it’s sad that they effected my soul in this way…

I don’t really know what to do…This has been going on for ages & as much as I try to analyse the situation by myself, it doesn’t seem to help, or to bring the spiritual vivacity back to my soul.

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.


#2

I don’t think that your story is weird or long. :slight_smile: I find that to be a Catholic is the hardest spiritual life to live out compared to other belief systems (and I have studied almost all of them). I have in the past and continue to go through alot of the same experiences as you in feeling that most of the Catholic’s I have come in contact with on the internet and in real life just leave me with a sense of being all alone in my own spiritual island with no support.

I too have been discouraged by this many times and also by the dryness that I consistently experience in my prayer life but then a wonderful soul came into my life and showed me that life as a Catholic is one big arena of spiritual warfare from the moment we are conceived until the day that we die.

Once I saw that like it or not, this world and everyone and everything in it will never satisfy me with as perfect a love as that which God has for all of us, then I started to relax more and put on the armour of God always being on the ready of spiritual battle.

Do I often feel lonely, yes, do I feel like I want to give up at times, yes BUT I wouldn’t have it any other way.

God bless you


#3

aw that sounds pretty difficult and I’m sorry you’re struggling…
I think at some point in our lives many of us have the hope that others would treat us with love and understanding, and most often we’re disappointed. Of course as we all know people are not perfect… but there is still this hope. The only person who can never ever let us down is God… He will always love us. But sometimes I guess when you’ve been hurt by Christians you start distancing yourself from God too… I’m not sure why that happens but I’ve noticed it a lot, and it’s sad but it makes sense… cause Christians are supposed to be like Him. However most of us are still on the journey and still have a lot of things to work out… even the times when I really tried to be loving to others, I failed miserably and I didn’t mean to but I ended up hurting them. Whenever someone hurts me in some way, I try to use that as an opportunity to come closer to God.

Oki I might be totally wrong here… let me know if I am… but could it be perhaps that what happened to you weakened or destroyed your TRUST in God? How much do you trust Him? Ask yourself this and think about it… cause in my experience at least, whenever I go down spiritually it’s always because I’ve lost my trust in Him. What really restored me was reading “Divine Mercy in My Soul” by St Faustina…

Sometimes it’s a real big effort to trust and love God regardless of feelings… that is however something that we’re all called to do at one point or another, because that’s actually the only way we can truly grow. God wants us to be His free sons and daughters… to love, not because we feel like it, but because we want to - in our will - even when all our feelings go against it…

it’s awfully hard… I struggle a lot myself… and Catholicism is also hard, but I think we should daily ask God for the strength to endure and to stay faithful.

Just remember one thing… :slight_smile: if you come back to where you were before with God… He’ll only be glad and He’ll accept you back, He has loved you through this whole time. Don’t have any fear. Try to trust in His mercy and love for you… all it really takes is some trust, faith, and a sincere prayer… sometimes it’s really hard to let ourselves surrender to God like that, and when that happens we can ask Him for the grace to help us do that… but we have to let go of everything that’s keeping us back, whether it’s distrust or fear or anger or unforgiveness or whatever it is.

God bless you hugs


#4

I’m sorry that you have experienced so much sadness.
I’m not sure that talking on the internet would always suit everyone, particularly someone as sensitive as you appear to be. I know that people can hurt you and can even affect your spiritual life…recently someone has hurt me very much, and unfairly.

I think that we need to focus on Jesus, not on what others think or say, or if they’re rude or mean and even though religious, don’t apologise. I don’t think people always realize how easily they can crush another person’s spirit. We need to experience God’s love in each other.

I do hope that you can concentrate on getting to know Jesus better again, reading His gospels and maybe reading some books that help you recover.

I’ll pray for you because I know how difficult things can be and I do hope you are able to go to Confession and Mass again if you haven’t been going.

I ask Jesus to draw you to Himself.
Please take care of yourself.

Warm regards, Trishie


#5

5YearsLater—
i am so sorry beyond words that you’ve endured so much when it comes to your faith, and had to go through so much suffering. part of me doesn’t even know what to say, but i will try my best to reach out to you in the deep hope and prayer that at least one thing in my post can give you hope, support and encouragement. i truly am sorry, and please know that i will be keeping you in my constant thoughts and deepest prayers. i will definitely pray the prayer that i will post on here tonight and every night, and think of you constantly. i truly am so sorry. x

that honestly seems strange to me, that no one seemed to like you. i’m sure that it wasn’t anything “wrong” with you, as you seem like a wonderful person just from reading what you’ve written here. i have a feeling that a lot of it had to do with anti-Catholic feelings, especially if you were in contact with a lot of Protestants. i’m positive that it wasn’t anything that had to do with you, but had much more to do with people’s personal biases and negative emotions towards Catholicism or Christianity or even religion in general. please don’t put yourself down or beat yourself up for it, as i’m sure that it had nothing to do with you as a person. you know, i can actually kind of relate to this now that i think about it, because people at my high school either think of me as a religious freak or absolutely despise me because of a mistake i made in trying to witness to one of my former best friends, and it hurts more than words can say, but i trust in God to be my strength and carry me through and give me the grace to endure any suffering i may face because of their hatred. i have a feeling that people acted negatively towards you not because of anything “wrong” with you (you seem like a wonderful person!) but because they feel uncomfortable with people who are open about their faith, and that their negative feelings have more to do with the faith you practice. i’m so sorry beyond words that you’ve had to deal with this, and that your parents responded to you in such a negative way. i’m a bit confused as to the situation with your parents, but of course if you don’t feel comfortable sharing the entire story, you definitely don’t have to.

i’m so sorry, 5YearsLater, that you had such negative experiences talking to other Catholics on the Internet. i promise you that you won’t have nearly the same experience on this incredible website of holy, amazing people who are truly devoted to the Lord and to our Blessed Mother. i joined this website on december 1 after having a negative experience on a nondenominational evangelical website, actually, and so far my experience has been incredible, filled with warmth and love and support and community. i hope and pray with all my heart that it will be the same for you. i’m so sorry that you had to endure so much from other Catholics—unfortunately, not all Internet communities are like this one, but i honestly believe that God led you to this place just as He led me. i’m so sorry for all that you have suffered, and in my prayer for you, i will pray that God restores you, heals you and pours out His blessings and Love upon you, just as He has done for me from the darkness of my past. i’m so sorry that you returned to sin because of so much sadness and confusion—that’s truly horrible, that people would be so cruel to another as to cause that person to fall into darkness. i find that truly … beyond anything that words could ever say. maybe you could have been stronger in the situation, but please don’t dwell on it too much, or beat yourself up or put yourself down! everyone makes mistakes, and we all learn from our failures. God knows how many times He’s tested me and i’ve failed miserably, but He still loves me and waits a while before testing me again, letting me build my strength and hope in Him. that’s so incredible, that you had so many wonderful days of your life—i’m so happy that you were able to experience it! i promise you that you will be able to experience that hope and peace in Him once more.

i’m so sorry that your soul has been affected and hurt in such a negative way. i truly am sorry—again, part of me doesn’t even know what to say. x i’m not sure exactly what advice i can give, but i can definitely pray for you, which i will do right now:


#6

Heavenly Father, i lift up 5YearsLater to You now, in the prayer that you will heal them completely of all that they’ve endured and all that has afflicted them so deeply, restore them completely and forever back to Yourself and pour out Your Love and blessings upon them. i pray that You would restore them to return wholeheartedly to the Truth and Beauty of the Catholic Faith with all their heart, mind and soul, and to be even more devoted to You than they were before, loving You and serving You with all that they are. i pray that You would answer all questions that they have related to their past, and comfort and calm their soul when it comes to the wounds and hurts they’ve received from others, within the faith and outside of it. i pray for 5YearsLater’s parents, that they would both be brought completely and forever to You through the Catholic Faith, and for everyone else they know that needs You, and is living without You. i pray for all of those who hurt 5YearsLater so deeply, that You would forgive them and soften their hearts and souls to be more loving to others, and never to hurt a single precious soul again as they hurt 5YearsLater, the child You love so much, with all Your Heart. i pray that You would heal 5YearsLater from all of the wounds they’ve received from people within the faith, and that You would soften and open their heart, mind and soul to receive You in the Catholic Faith once more. i pray that they would be able to trust in Your Love and receive it completely and forever into their heart, and make it a central part of their life. i pray that they would trust in Your forgiveness and Your mercy, and they would truly get over their return to sin and every other part of their painful past. i pray that You would strengthen, bless and encourage 5YearsLater in every way, and bring them closer completely and forever to Yourself in love, hope, healing and restoration. i pray that they would return to You completely, and experience Your Love once more, trusting in You and receiving You completely. i pray that this website would be a place of healing and hope for 5YearsLater, as helpful and as warm, loving and safe as this community has been for me, and that they would find all that they are looking for on here. i pray all this in the precious name of Jesus through our Blessed Mother—Amen. thank You so much, Lord, for hearing and answering my prayer—i love You forever. Amen.

i admire you so much, 5YearsLater, for your bravery and courage in reaching out for help and daring to post your spiritual story on here, especially when it most be so painful for you to remember. please stay strong, and please stay safe, and please take care of yourself. please know that i am praying for you and keeping you in my constant thoughts. God bless you, and please take care—and know that if you ever need anything at all, i am always here, so please don’t ever hesitate to contact me.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison xx


#7

I’m so sorry that some persons insensitivity hurt your faith. I know how it feels when somehow people crush you and you find it hard to continue trying. You are a sincere and good person, I can see.

When people don’t apologize it can freeze your heart in a way.
I wasn’t around when you had those unkind responses, but on behalf of those people who hurt you, I say sorry for the hurt and sorry for the loss of spiritual peace and fervour it caused you. I do understand how it can cause one to ‘sulk’ as you said.

Please try to forgive them now, so you can move on.

It is wonderful that you have reached out again. We welcome you :grouphug:


#8

Hi 5years. Have you read any of the great saints or doctors of the Church? I’m sure you would learn a lot about their intense spiritual and personal struggles, which brought them coser to God. Sufferng is one of the gifts that we are given to endure so that we will be prepared to see God, to love Him and know Him the way that He loves us and knows us. We suffer through sometimes intense and painful purgation so that we can be illumined and finally united to God in the ultimate intimacy. God bless you on your journey, and I will pray for you.

P.S. Be not afraid. You are never alone.

Jon Winterburn


#9

I have had a sort of similar experience. As far as the attitudes go, that is. I’ve been a Catholic for over 11 years now, and I have very few Catholic friends. Well, that’s an overstatement. There may be only a handful of people I can count as friends. It *is *a struggle. And, yes, it’s hard to make friends.

When I first became a Catholic, I proceeded on with more zeal than brains. I took it personally when someone disagreed with me. And that caused major problems.

It takes a long time to grow in the Lord. We will be at it for the rest of our lives. I know it’s easy to get discouraged. Stay with us, and I’m sure we will all benefit, ok?


#10

Sincere thanks to all of you, for your kind words, encouragement & prayers. I cannot give a personal response to all of you, but I’ve read all your messages, & they do mean a lot to me-each of you has helpful, kind & inspiring things to say. Your kindness is very touching, & it helps me just to know, that there ARE people like you, who are kind, & not mean or spiteful.So thank you all.

Trishie, I think you are right, & it’s not such a good idea for me to talk to people on the Internet (It is even very difficult for me to cope with thinking up responses.) But I still talk online sometimes, b/c sometimes I get kind people like you who can help. I actually have forgiven the mean ones; I’m even grateful they provided such a useful experience, but…it’s not the same now I know, & I suppose they’ve just left me with a…feeling of spiritual aridity…)

Alison, the emphathy in your message was especially striking; especially how you tried to help with everything, & thank you for that beautiful prayer. I’ll pray for you too, & God bless you too on your journey (& that goes for all of you.)

Thank you to everyone! Of course I still have problems, but it was helpful to get advice from good people like all of you. (and sorry I can’t think of responses to you all; & anyway I never know weather I’m supposed to or not.:confused:)

I might ask more questions on this forum, but for the moment there’s nothing more to ask; I still need to persevere with coming back to God (as you’ve said.) I know there’s one thing especially stopping me…I don’t really have friends, & I know if I WAS closer to my peers, it would not benefit my soul at all (although don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful people.They would just deflect my attention from spiritual matters, etc…& I would probably forget God.) But even though I know this, I still long to be friends with them at times, & I often feel very left out. (There is one person in particular, who I knew a long time ago & had terrible miscommunication with, & it was my fault, even though I didn’t realize. This person has probably forgotton me, but I still wish I could see them, explain & be friends-Even though I know that it probably won’t happen, that it would not benefit my soul, & that I should forget them & concentrate on God.) And I know God continues to bless me immensely; he still brings me very joyful days, all except for the problems caused by my own stupid faults, & the confused & pitiable condition of my soul.

Anyway thanks again to all of you; I hope I haven’t got carried away in this response, & thanks also for the replies on my prayer request, & your kindness really does make a difference, & I’ll pray for you too.
God bless


#11

Everyone else has said so sweetly what is in my heart I won’t repeat it. Just remember we are here for you and we love you.

Suffering does have its purpose. Persecution is part of being Catholic, take it as a blessing. Forgiveness is a wonderful way to lose your human sensitivities and gain in your spiritual soul. Don’t let others steal your joy or your faith. Do not fret; I am sure you will be singing the joys of Christ again soon.

What happens on earth is so much less important than devoting yourself to loving our Lord. I once had a very devout Catholic judge me and point out all my misgivings. I promptly told her that self righteousness is also a sin. This did not phase her. I still pray for her that she may see the error of her ways.

Catholic folks are all going through a spiritual growth process. Some of us are just farther along than others, know this and be well my friend. God loves you and it really does not matter what other people have to say.

Jesus loves you and so do we. :heart:


#12

Dear “5YL”. I have had similar experiences in my lifetime. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt. :hug1: This is just my own opinion… but I think that Our dear Lord sometimes permits these things… in order to show us that we should place our complete trust in Him. All human beings, including practicing Catholics are weak and sinful.

Should we love our brothers and sisters and learn from them? Certainly! But it is much more important to place ALL of your trust and love in the Heart of Jesus.

I agree with you, that Our Good Lord has used this experience to help you become stronger. Don’t let anyone or anything steer you away from Him. I can see from your words, that you have a great deal of faith! That is wonderful.

Now… RUN with it! The Lord LOVES you! God bless.


#13

I am unsure if anyone has suggested this yet, but perhaps it would be wise for you to find a spiritual director to help you on your journey. Although the Lord may be calling you to go it alone (I have no idea what the Lord is calling you to), it can certainly be helpful to have at least one other person who can listen to you and help you on your journey.

You will be in my prayers. Peace and good:) .


#14

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