Hello, I am recovering from the evil porn habit so please excuse me if my question is strange or my language is too forward.
Most of the time, I can stay away from impurity (I haven’t done anything impure for at least 3 months now.) But then today something happened.
I went on a site that shows pictures of nude women USUALLY in NON-SEXUAL poses, but I’m a woman too. Seeing other women just standing there barely has any effect at all on me. I closed the site after 15 or 20 min because I was bored.
It probably sounds silly to be trying to satisfy sexual urges by doing something that won’t do that. But I see now that what I was trying to do was have the pleasure without the sin. Part of me was hoping I would feel the thrill, but I didn’t want to go to sites that had highly sexual content. If I was really willing to go all out to get those pleasures, I could have gone to porn sites or male nude sites or sites that depict women in sexual ways or even just fantasized in my head. Correct me if I’m wrong.
I know I sinned. I know I should not be doing anything to experience sexual pleasure outside of marriage. I know it is wrong to even hope that those women would be the objects for my pleasure. But how wrong was it? Was it a mortal sin? Is it a mortal sin to seek sexual pleasure outside of marriage no matter how you go about it? I feel that it is a mortal sin and I am ready to accept that it is. But at the same time, a mortal sin is complete and grave rejection of God or of His Law, and I am having a readlly hard time believing I did that. I did not view porn or male nude sites or masturbate or have fantasies. This one Catholic book by Fr. Robert Fox said that Christ warns against misuse of the eyes, but it doesn’t say that this is a mortal sin. And I cannot find anything in the Catechism that says that misuse of the eyes is a mortal sin.
I am sorry for the long post, I am very conflicted inside right now. Maybe I am just too happy that I stopped viewing porn and now I don’t want to accept that I did another mortal sin again purity.