Were you adopted?


#1

What advice do you give to adoptive parents?


#2

I was adopted and my advice to you is to make sure you both want to have children. If only one of you does it will cause problems. If you both really want children make sure to love them equally.

It’s really very simple. :slight_smile: God wants us to love each other :love:

Crystal


#3

I was adopted and my advise would be the same as the poster above. Also, your child will have a very different genetic makeup than you, so be prepared for that, because scientific evidence points to genetics as strongly influencing temperment. Don’t try and pretend too much, and honor your child’s ethnic background. And please don’t end up getting divorced and resenting your child, or casting your child aside for your new spouse. Adopted children already feel different and outcast. Also, never later tell your child that “the right number of children is zero” like my mother told me. :frowning:


#4

I was adopted. My advice is to tell the child that he/she was adopted as soon as the child is old enough to understand. Don’t try to keep a secret of the adoption, the child will find out from someone else and it is not a pleasant way to be told. Always tell the child how lucky you are that you picked him/her to be your child. When the child asks about the bio parent, be sure to be kind and loving…such as "your mom loved you very much but could not take care of you…"Love and peace


#5

[quote=nobody]What advice do you give to adoptive parents?
[/quote]

My dad adopted me (my mother’s second marriage). He always treated me as his own. He never treated me any different from my brother (his biological son).

I guess I’ve been blessed.

A few years ago, I met my biological father. The resemblance is uncanny. I look exactly like pictures of him 30 years ago. Genetics are supposed to come from both parents right? It doesn’t look like I got any from my mother.

But when I’m out with my (adoptive dad) people tell us they know I’m his son. We have a similar build - tall and (relatively) thin but that is it. I grew up watching him. My disposition is exactly like his, mellow and laid back. Not like my father at all.


#6

Thank you all for responding.

Any more?


#7

[quote=nobody]What advice do you give to adoptive parents?
[/quote]

My brother and I were adopted too. Though I would watch out because my brother came from a different family than I did - not blood related - and boy, when I came, he was jealous of me.

Be careful.


#8

[quote=nobody]What advice do you give to adoptive parents?
[/quote]

nobody,

First congrats on adopting your second child!!! What a blessing. (I read it in another thread). I’m not an adoptee, but I am an adoptive mother of 3 and my SIL is adopted. I’ve known quite a number of people who were adopted.

My SIL is very well adjusted and loves her parents and sister. She has told me that her parents never made a big deal about her and her sister being adopted. No stigma. No secrets. That’s the best advice my SIL ever gave me. I’ve met her parents many, many times. They love their girls so much. They speak about adopting them in a very natural way. Just the same as a mom would talk about giving birth. That’s what I do with my kids. I know I’m biased, but my kids appear very well adjusted. They are wonderful, loving children who are good students and have good friends. They are all very faithful. I always tell them that we all have the same Father in Heaven and so we are all related to one another.

When my kids ask questions, I give them a straight answer. If they want to talk about their birthmoms, I let them. If I don’t know something, I don’t make something up. I’ve always told my kids how I’m so grateful that God let us adopt them. How we wanted to be a mommy and a daddy, and that they needed a mommy and daddy and so now, we’re matched up just right.

I hope more adoptees answer your thread. I’m not sure how old your child is, but don’t worry. If you make adoption seem like something that is “different” or something that needs explaining, your child will pick up on your discomfort. Adoption is not “different” or “weird”. We live in a rural area. On our gravel road are 3 adoptive families!!! On the next road over, is a family with 2 (soon to be 3) adopted kids! One of their daughters is in my daughter’s class.

God bless you as you adopt your new child. Keep us updated too!!!


#9

Thank you all.

Anyone else?


#10

I’m not adopted, but as a social worker I’d highly recommend educating yourself on ways to bond with your child appropriate to their age and development. And educating yourself on the possibility of attachment disorders. Adoption is wonderful and a generous decision in becoming parents. I have been amazed by the number of parents I’ve worked with who have been unprepared for their new child’s behavior after adoption, so that is my two cents.


#11

I feel that way sometimes…does that count for anything?


#12

[quote=contemplative]I feel that way sometimes…does that count for anything?
[/quote]

I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Could you please explain?


#13

[quote=nobody]I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Could you please explain?
[/quote]

Nevermind, Cotemplative. I just came back to see if you answered, and then I realized you were making a joke.

Also, I’d like to reword the question in my original post:
What advice would you give to adoptive parents if given the chance?


#14

nobody,

I seem to recall a thread about this same topic. It was directed at “Adoptees” and the poster wanted to hear how the adoptees felt about their adoptions. It was within the last 6-8 months. I believed it digressed a bit toward the end, but there was a lot of good info in it.

Anyone else recall the exact name of the thread?


#15

[quote=contemplative]I feel that way sometimes…does that count for anything?
[/quote]

I know you meant this as a joke, contemplative. However, it can be hurtful to adoptees and/or adoptive parents. Usually, people mean this in the context of feeling left out, out of sync, not belonging. Sometimes, people use “I think he/she must be adopted” when talking about the “black sheep” in the family.

Again, I know you meant it as a joke, but it seems a little out of place in this thread when the OP sincerely would like to hear from adoptees in order to help him/her deal effectively with his/her adopted kids.


#16

Adoption is very different today than it was when I was adopted. I was taken directly to an orphanage. I was there until I was nine months old.

I’m not going to say I had a bad life because I didn’t. We all think things should be a certain way growing up. I did have to listen to talk about how the aunts were pregnant w/my cousins, of course my Mom was left out.

Later in life, my mother and father were reminded of how my brother and I were not their natural children.

My parents divorced when I was 24. My father pretty much abandoned me as well.

When I was 29 I found my birth mother and began to build a relationship w/her and my siblings. This didn’t go over too well with my father or brother.

Even after finding my birth family, to this day, I don’t feel like I belong to either side. I wasn’t born into the family that adopted me and I wasn’t raised with the family who bore me…

My advice, never treat your children llike they don’t belong. Yes, tell them that they are special. This is the one comfort I do have. My mother always told me I was special because I was chosen.


#17

[quote=nobody]I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Could you please explain?
[/quote]

I came from a family of 6 biological siblings.
I’ve given birth to two of my own.
I’ve known people who have adopted.
I know people who are adopted.

When I was a girl I read a story called ‘Runaway Alice’
I guess what I have learned is that I don’t really care much for the term ‘adopted’. It carries with it a certain stigma.
When I don’t feel loved I feel adopted. Too bad parents can’t come up with a new word for taking someone under their wings.

What I’ve learned is that if parents really love all their children with ALL of their heart EQUALLY - biological or adopted then children will feel loved.

Discard the word adopted.


#18

Dear Contemplative,
The word ‘adopted’ is just that, a word. Discarding the word won’t change anything. That’s what the PC crowd thinks. They love to self-rightously change words for things every few years. They think that if you call a retarded person a developly delayed one, that it will change things. I think that’s false thinking, myself.

Yes, I was adopted. I was 16 days old when this occured. My Birth mother, her name was Harriet Parker. Everyone called her Hoppo. I was born on her birthday. I never met her because she died at age 60 of cervical cancer, before I found my birth family. She was 26 years old when I was born. She was living in Greenich Village, NY when she met my Birth Father. He was in the service and was also in his mid 20’s. He was a phi beta kappa with a law degree and was from Florida. She was born in Silverton, Colorado. Her grandfather was the mining assayer of that town back in the late 1800’s, early 1900’s. Her father was a mining engineer, but her mother was married 3 times so she didn’t grow up with him.

I was adopted by secular Jewish parents. They weren’t happy and divorced when I was 7, and I had an unhappy and confusing childhood. My adopted Mom was a special education teacher, and very good at her job. She was a hard worker who’d known hardship in her life. She wasn’t very motherly. She died 2 months before my birthmother did coincidentally, of a brain anerysm. My adopted father was a Math teacher. He became a swinger after his second divorce, and used to tell me all about his sex life. One time he propositioned me when I was 17. He is still alive and I have minimal contact with him. I don’t really feel a part of that family. But now I have my own family.


#19

But don’t you see…YOU are making the word “adopted” a stigma with your above opinions. Being adopted is quite common in this country. From talking with SUCCESSFUL adoptive families, one of the main reason for their success ( I define this as kids who feel loved, wanted, good about themselves, etc.) is their openess and positive feelings toward adoption. They say to their children from an early age “We’re so blessed to have adopted you” “The day we adopted you there was a big snow storm” “Isn’t it a miracle that of all the people who wanted to adopt you, Mom and Dad got to be the lucky ones!!!” This is similar to birthparents saying “The day you were born was the happiest day of my life” “When you were born, there was a big snow storm” “Isn’t it a miracle that of all the babies Mom and Dad could’ve had, God blessed us with you!!”

When you say “when I don’t feel loved, I feel adopted” you are perpetuating negative attitudes and feelings toward adoption. Yes. There are terrible adoptive situations (as can be seen in this thread), but that does NOT have to be the case. Lessen the stigma of adoption by talking about it openly and honestly. Kids have absolutely horrifying family situations in birthfamilies too–just look at the news! Yet, when an adoptive family has the same type of horrors–the fact that the children were adopted becomes the main part of the story. When society continually portrays adoption in a negative light, then kids will clutch on to that as a REASON to have problems and to be unhappy.


#20

[quote=Giannawannabe]But don’t you see…YOU are making the word “adopted” a stigma with your above opinions.

[/quote]

Yes. You are correct. I have hangups and biased thoughts because of negative attitudes related to familylife in general.

One thing that might help me and others with negative attitudes is to remember we are all adopted sons and daughters of God.

Rom 8:14-16
14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are SONS of God.
15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of ADOPTION by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."
16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God

After much meditation and prayer on these words we might warm to the idea of loving ALL because we are ALL adopted by God. This breaks down walls of division and adds a positive ring to the word adoption.

Here is another thought to help keep perspective.

When I bore my children, I immediately felt that I was a steward of a very precious Soul. My flesh and blood are not a commodity in my possession…like a coin in my purse or stock investment folder. My children are not ever mine to retain. They are sons/daughters of God for me to help nurture toward God. With this in mind then we understand better how we are All adopted not only by God but by our earthly parents…(biological or adoptive parents)

Even still - I guess people are bound to have negative thoughts about adoption and family life in general. Life situations aren’t perfect most of the time as stated by some brave posters. People sin. It is this sin people get tangled in.


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