Sorry for the title, not trying to give into self loathing here, but it is what it is.
My life has been quite fruitless, at least it seems so as I sit here pondering on what I’m really trying to say. I feel I should explain my story at least to some extent, so my thoughts have some context to them.
I am a 33 year old male and this post will eventually be about my vocation, or lack there of as of this moment, but I want to share some of my past before I get there:
As a child I was very talkative and asked a million questions. But as I got close to adolescence an older brother molsested me, who beforehand was molested by our parish priest. Ever since, my social skills have been lacking, though now a days I find it easier to communicate as I believe God’s healing has given me my personality back. I have forgiven both, understanding that the devil uses these oppressions to spread his evil to others.
This episode was blocked out of my memory as a young adult, until said family member went to a rehab (drugs/alcohol are definitely at play with these sins that rob innocence) and confessed to my parents what happened. Needless to say, this was a blessing because it was the first step in a long healing process for both of us. I truly believe that this was “allowed” to happen to make us both the beings we are today, for only God can make good out of bad.
After this memory came back, I was a wreck. Though I was already into the “party life” I started to fill the holes with drugs/alcohol, lust and pornography/masterbation, fits of rage. Self prescribing and self loathing was my mental state for a long time.
These sinful antidotes have been apart of my life for almost two decades. Robbing my potential and abundant life God had in store for me. And only recently by the grace of God have I been able to master them, through him.
Now that being said I’ve always wanted to be a husband/father. But due to my varied past I’ve never had a relationship with a woman, except one night stands in the past. Never had I even considered priesthood/religious life myself. But that idea came to me through my Mom.
It’s kind of a silly story but one day on our way home from high school our van got a flat tire and I stayed in the van while my two brothers went out to fix it. I was just being a lazy teenager thinking three people wasn’t needed. My mom told the to her dad, my grandpa, and he said in passing maybe he’s called to be a priest. As I write this I see how ridiculous it might sound, but that was the first seed of the idea of priesthood in my life.
Since then I have been getting closer and closer to God. With two different occasions where I almost undoubtingly thought tha God WAS calling me to the priesthood. But I would relapse into my old stubborn self and forget about it. The second time I literally said I WILL NOT because I felt I didn’t want it.
The reasons I didn’t want to was that I wanted a family, I didn’t want to go to school for 7-8 years (only have an associates in X-Ray), not really good with authority and though I’ve been getting better, not the best speaker in the world.
It’s all culminated recently to an arrest for petty possession of marijuana at the beginning of the year when I truly started to change my act. And I’ve now been drug free for about a month with no intention/desire to go back to it. Since I’ve stopped, the lustful desires have also stopped and I’ve been free of that for over a month (I personally feel this has been my chief fault throughout my adult life).
I truly feel I’ve had a genuine conversion. I’ve been praying morning/evening prayers, novenas, a rosary & divine mercy chaplet everyday. I was also going to daily mass for a little while, until my evening job and recent arrest (definitely not a saint yet) have hindered my license and ability to go.
Now I really have a burning desire to do the Will of God, but at this point in my life I’m confused and I still feel the same about not going to the priesthood, though I feel I’m being called there. I guess I could be called to be single but I can’t help but feel a sense of fruitlessness in my life.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I could use prayers and a little direction/advice. Though I’ve seen a lot of responses here that say get a spiritual advisor or go to the vocational priest in your diocese. And that just seems like empty answers to me, being that I’ve always been a loner, stubbornly working out my own problems. Never been one for rehab or “professional” help. Through God I’ve been able to master a lot of faults in my life recently: drugs,
cigarettes, habitual masterbation, ect.
Sorry for the long post, but I feel it might help me get the best advice possible. I never post like this on the Internet (think I have one other thread here and that’s it), and like I said I’m a loner for the most part.
Thanks in advance and God bless.