What Christian Responsibility do I have to take care of my ex-?


#1

In the divorce, I gave my ex- everything. The furniture, tv's , washer and dryer, the house, the refrigerator, the computer, everything except a few of my personal items.

It is now 2 years later. He sold the house and everything in it and he's gone through all the money. He is homeless, hungry and living in a tent. He called me crying tonight, and he wants me to help him. He is a great actor, and has manipulated me in the past. I think he wants to try to move back in, but our marriage has been annulled and I don't want to be around him.

What is my Christian duty to him? He feels that if I were really Christian, I would help him out. (He is not disabled in any way.)

He frightens me when he is drunk and stoned. I don't really want him around our children.

I want to do the right thing. Do I have any Christian obligation to him?


#2

You have already done your Christian duty by giving him so much in the divorce settlement. Now, you arent married to him anymore in anyone's eyes. You have to cut him off. You are not allowed to have marital relations or live with him since you are not married. As a result of the annulment you never were validly married. If he doesnt stop bothering you and forces himself on you, file a restraining order and make sure it is enforced.


#3

Sounds like MY father... Avoid him. Change your phone number. You have already done enough.

Just my $.02

FSC


#4

[quote="Galnextdoor, post:1, topic:204023"]
In the divorce, I gave my ex- everything. The furniture, tv's , washer and dryer, the house, the refrigerator, the computer, everything except a few of my personal items.

It is now 2 years later. He sold the house and everything in it and he's gone through all the money. He is homeless, hungry and living in a tent. He called me crying tonight, and he wants me to help him. He is a great actor, and has manipulated me in the past. I think he wants to try to move back in, but our marriage has been annulled and I don't want to be around him.

What is my Christian duty to him? He feels that if I were really Christian, I would help him out. (He is not disabled in any way.)

He frightens me when he is drunk and stoned. I don't really want him around our children.

I want to do the right thing. Do I have any Christian obligation to him?

[/quote]

Based on what you have written, you have only as much obligation or as little obligation toward him as you would to any other homeless person. I certainly wouldn't allow him back into your home. Perhaps a blanket and a McDonalds gift card??? :eek:


#5

[quote="mjs1987, post:2, topic:204023"]
As a result of the annulment you never were validly married.

[/quote]

Careful, mjs, the annulment means the marriage wasn't sacramental. It may still have been civilly valid.


#6

[quote="Galnextdoor, post:1, topic:204023"]
What is my Christian duty to him? He feels that if I were really Christian, I would help him out.

[/quote]

Classic ploy.

You have no further obligation.


#7

[quote="Apollos, post:5, topic:204023"]
Careful, mjs, the annulment means the marriage wasn't sacramental. It may still have been civilly valid.

[/quote]

Before an annulment goes to the tribunal there must be a civil divorce. That being the case, there is no marriage either civilly or sacramentally. Thus no obligation outside of the moral obligation of charity for the poor.


#8

[quote="Tietjen, post:7, topic:204023"]
Before an annulment goes to the tribunal there must be a civil divorce. That being the case, there is no marriage either civilly or sacramentally. Thus no obligation outside of the moral obligation of charity for the poor.

[/quote]

Right, in other words the children are legitimate, but the contract can be dissolved.


#9

[quote="Apollos, post:8, topic:204023"]
Right, in other words the children are legitimate, but the contract can be dissolved.

[/quote]

Yes, the children are legitimate because the mother and father were presumed to be married at the time of the child's birth. The child(ren)'s status does not change with either a divorce or an annulment. However, the civil "contract" of marriage can be dissolved in civil court. When it comes to a Catholic tribunal however, marriages cannot be dissolved. They can only be declared valid or invalid. If invalid... there was never a marriage to begin with. If valid... a marriage exists despite the civil divorce.


#10

[quote="Galnextdoor, post:1, topic:204023"]
In the divorce, I gave my ex- everything. The furniture, tv's , washer and dryer, the house, the refrigerator, the computer, everything except a few of my personal items.

It is now 2 years later. He sold the house and everything in it and he's gone through all the money. He is homeless, hungry and living in a tent. He called me crying tonight, and he wants me to help him. He is a great actor, and has manipulated me in the past. I think he wants to try to move back in, but our marriage has been annulled and I don't want to be around him.

What is my Christian duty to him? He feels that if I were really Christian, I would help him out. (He is not disabled in any way.)

He frightens me when he is drunk and stoned. I don't really want him around our children.

I want to do the right thing. Do I have any Christian obligation to him?

[/quote]

Until he gets his act together, you don't want him around your kids (drunk and stoned???). Also, you don't want to function as his enabler. He's got serious issues (for one thing, hasn't grown up), and he needs to mature. He needs "tough love." Steer clear of him. (I wouldn't even do the blanket or the McD card; that's the first step in the wrong direction again.)


#11

[quote="Galnextdoor, post:1, topic:204023"]
In the divorce, I gave my ex- everything. The furniture, tv's , washer and dryer, the house, the refrigerator, the computer, everything except a few of my personal items.

It is now 2 years later. He sold the house and everything in it and he's gone through all the money. He is homeless, hungry and living in a tent. He called me crying tonight, and he wants me to help him. He is a great actor, and has manipulated me in the past. I think he wants to try to move back in, but our marriage has been annulled and I don't want to be around him.

What is my Christian duty to him? He feels that if I were really Christian, I would help him out. (He is not disabled in any way.)

He frightens me when he is drunk and stoned. I don't really want him around our children.

I want to do the right thing. Do I have any Christian obligation to him?

[/quote]

Hand him a AA card and the bus fare to get there. That is as far as your "Christian obligation" goes. A friend of my sister had a husband like that, who would steal things from the family home in order to sell them so he could buy drugs to feed his addiction.

He is not safe to have around your children. Your obligation is to them, not him.


#12

Jesus wanted us to feed orphans and widows. He didn't want us to enable them. Back then, orphans and widows died because they couldn't feed themselves. Your ex-husband is perfectly capable of feeding himself and taking care of himself, unlike the orphans and widows.

He needs your prayers. Your children need to be far away from him. He needs not to be able to rely on you for help.


#13

[quote="Galnextdoor, post:1, topic:204023"]
In the divorce, I gave my ex- everything. The furniture, tv's , washer and dryer, the house, the refrigerator, the computer, everything except a few of my personal items.

It is now 2 years later. He sold the house and everything in it and he's gone through all the money. He is homeless, hungry and living in a tent. He called me crying tonight, and he wants me to help him. He is a great actor, and has manipulated me in the past. I think he wants to try to move back in, but our marriage has been annulled and I don't want to be around him.

What is my Christian duty to him? He feels that if I were really Christian, I would help him out. (He is not disabled in any way.)

He frightens me when he is drunk and stoned. I don't really want him around our children.

I want to do the right thing. Do I have any Christian obligation to him?

[/quote]

Your Christian Duty is to Love him as a fallen child of God and to do all within your power to help him get to heaven (as opposed ot gettinginto you house :p).

This can take many forms. Prayer, Offers to make phone calls to get him into recovery programs, arranging for him to GET to such programs etc. These could all be ways to Charitably help him without endangering you or your children.

There are also certain, seemingly "obvious" forms of "help" that are actually NOT help at all. Giving him money would be one. Allowing him to move in would be another.

These kinds of "help" would only enable his fallen lifestyle and weaken any resolve in him to get onto the right track.

Since it is obvious that you are the strong one in this, you must have the strength to say no to helping him in ways that he wants/expects (and would not be helps at all) and yet be open to helping in ways that are truly helpful and would raise him up.

Peace
James


#14

I know the answer to this one, you owe him the honor of taking responsibility for his OWN
life, if he wants money, he can work for it.

Anything you give to him will only enable him to continue with his current lifestyle, I know that is not your intention but that is how addiction works.

My bro was an addict when he was younger, he came to my job and asked for money because he was hungry, I said we could go to the grocery store and I would buy him some food, he said "FORGET IT

Clearly, he was NOT hungry. He played the entire family until we all agreed that to assist him was doing him no good or ourselves, when we all backed away he got clean.

It's possible that your ex will not get clean..,.if he dies doing drugs that will be his choice.

Let him live his life as he chooses but please don't contribute to it, if he really wants help it's out there, but you are not the person to help him because we, the friends and families are part of the problem because we hate to see them cold and hungry and alone. Leave it to others to help him if he seeks help, there's nothing we can do.


#15

I agree with those above. More specifically: Matthew 10:16 "Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and simple as doves."

Be as shrewd as a serpent: Do what your head tells you and do nothing to help him.
Be as simple as a dove: But do this without leftover resentment or ill will from your previous relationship -- but also do this WITHOUT GUILT.

I have had trouble with this myself. Being a good Christian and honoring your previous love for this person DOES NOT obligate you to being their doormat. Your first obligation is to yourself, the salvation of your soul, the well-being of your children, nurturing your children to love God so that they may go to heaven, etc.

Good luck.


#16

Thank you for your advice and counsel. He has already called me asking me for money. He has had help from our teenage daughter. She works part-time and has been paying his cell phone bill.

Please pray for me.


#17

[quote="Galnextdoor, post:16, topic:204023"]
Thank you for your advice and counsel. He has already called me asking me for money. He has had help from our teenage daughter. She works part-time and has been paying his cell phone bill.

Please pray for me.

[/quote]

Get your daughter in an Al-Ateen group. It will help her to see how her actions are enabling him. It seems that since he can't get help from you he is trying to hit up your daughter. He will try the guilt route (I am your father and no one is helping me). the best way for him to get help is to hit rock bottom and then climb out of the pit himself.


#18

[quote="Ailina, post:11, topic:204023"]
Hand him a AA card and the bus fare to get there. That is as far as your "Christian obligation" goes. A friend of my sister had a husband like that, who would steal things from the family home in order to sell them so he could buy drugs to feed his addiction.

He is not safe to have around your children. Your obligation is to them, not him.

[/quote]

Good advice-I would add that you should attend some Al-Anon meetings. You will be suprised how many people there have had similar experiences and you can learn from how they handled it. And ,of course, you nee to fervently pay for him. He is theFather of your Daughter after all.


#19

I agree with the AA card - however if he is really “strung out” he may need medical detox. He is still the father of your children - even with the anullment. Contact your local priest - See if there are any good-hearted Knights of Colombus who are in Recovery who will be willing to offer up their numbers and help him to get to rehab should he need to go. Past that you have IMHO made both your Christian responsibility and the responsibility to your children to help their father out.


#20

+Your first and primary priority is to provide a holy and healthy wholesome life for your children and yourself as God's beloved Catholic children . . . *separate from unwholesome and evil influences . . . *

Below is excellent holy counsel dealing exactly with this problem directly from . . . Sacred :bible1: Scripture . . . *God's Holy Word* . . . simply pray from the heart St. Faustina's wonderful trusting pra:gopray2:yer of faith . . . "Jesus I Trust in You" . . . and trusting your ex into the Lord's hands . . . follow the holy directions below . . . God's blessings will always attend your actions . . . as you walk in accordance with *His **Holy Word . . . *

[INDENT][INDENT]. . . :coffeeread: . . .
The Holy :bible1: Bible

2 Thessalonians 3:6-14

6 And we charge you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw yourselves from every brother walking disorderly, and not according to the tradition which they have received of us. 7 For yourselves know how you ought to imitate us: for we were not disorderly among you; 8 Neither did we eat any man's bread for nothing, but in labour and in toil we worked night and day, lest we should be chargeable to any of you. 9 Not as if we had not power: but that we might give ourselves a pattern unto you, to imitate us. 10 For also when we were with you, this we declared to you: that,

** if any man will not work,
neither let him eat**.

11 For we have heard there are some among you who walk disorderly, working not at all, but curiously meddling. 12 Now we charge them that are such, and beseech them by the Lord Jesus Christ, that, working with silence, they would eat their own bread. 13 But you, brethren, be not weary in well doing. 14 And if any man OBEY NOT our word by this epistle,

note that man, and
DO NOT

keep company with him
that he may be ashamed
...
[/INDENT][/INDENT]

The Blessed Holy St. Benedict was well aware of this problem of willful deliberately disorderly sinful souls attempting to insinuate themselves back into the life of his monastery families of holy brethren . . . and instituted the following wise fatherly instruction into his St. Benedict's Holy Rule for Monasteries . . . which instructions have been successfully followed now for centuries upon centuries of time in what is the largest group of faithful religious in the world today . . . [INDENT]

+:compcoff:
The Holy Rule of Saint Benedict - Chapter 28
Of Those Who Having Often Been Corrected Do Not Amend

March 5 - July 5 - November 4

[LIST]]If a brother hath often been corrected and hath even been excommunicated for a fault and doth not amend, ... finally **let the Abbot dismiss him from the community, as the Apostle saith: *"Put away the evil one from among you"** (1 Cor 5:13); and again: "If the faithless depart, let him depart" **(1 Cor 7:15);
[/LIST]
lest one diseased sheep infect the whole flock*.
+
:compcoff: **Link:
* forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=433464&highlight=Chapter+28

[/INDENT]

And by all means change your phone # to an unlisted # . . . [RIGHT]. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank you Holy Mother Church+[/RIGHT]


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