I wrote a paper during my final semester at an Episcopalian high school, for a theology class, in which the assignment was to artistically depict one’s image of God, following a very difficult personal incident in my family, in which I declared “In God, the Lord, Our Father, I have no belief.” Js like Francis Farmer! Except I didn’t mean a word of it, I was just mouthing off and spewing out my father’s (formerly Anglican/Catholic) atheistic scienteering dogma. Nobody knew I was in distress, and, as I was known as for scholar, I was taken at my word. I took years to realize that the minister who ran the class was shocked and that it went around among all the teachers, and that I was held to and by and for my silly words, I was a good writer back then and it sounded convincing.
For a long time I have beat my head against the wall about this, and I finally realized that I could, and needed to, repent of these words.
Which I have done.
But I still feel held to them by those who read them back then and (?) helped to send me along the course that followed.
I realize I need to let this sink in for a little while and that maybe the Lord will work it out in my life and mind through my repentance, according to my present state of belief, I have finally begun to unleaven the 50 years of careless lassitude preceding and following this incident, and am becoming alive to the vital importance of repentance and also of forgiveness as real acts of moral justice in and for oneself and others.
I felt the need to turn somewhere and turned here. Apart from waiting on the Lord, who, I have heard it said here, could make me righteous and lead me to church (I still don’t/ can’t attend) in an instant, is there anything else I should be doing? How great of a sin is this, in the Catholic view, and what about all the teachers who condemned me without having any understanding at all of the pain underlying those words? and still do? I’m still haunted by the pain.:(:mad: