This issue started years ago with my older sister going into screaming rages two years in a row at Christmas, one at my dd, the second year at me. (My sister has a 20+ year history of meltdowns at various people, including sales clerks and neighbor children.) It got worse when I realized my entire family actually blamed me for this. In the years since, I have come to see how truly dysfunctional my family is, with my father being an alcoholic and an exhibitionist. I have quit going to family functions because I understood that there was no way I could ever please them. (One example, if I watch each of my 10 kids, I’m accused of being anti-social; if I socialize, then I’m accused of not watching my children.) I was told years ago at this forum that the ONLY answer is physical distance.
So today, the older kids went to the extended family picnic, and I took the younger ones to the zoo. My sister just dropped off the older kids, and sent one son in to tell the younger kids she wanted to say hello. I thought I’d be nice, extend an olive branch, and go out. She ignored me completely for the ten minutes she was here, laughing and chatting, giving horse rides to the little boys, hugging dd16, inviting her to come for a weekend to do quilting…and all of this in my front yard, three feet from me, with my children, treating me like I didn’t exist.
There’s no chance I’m going to expend time and money making sure dd gets up to her house (which is a few hours away) for quilting when she can’t so much as say hello to me.
Last time my sister invited dd to join her and my mother for a mother-daughter tea, (no invitation for me), I said that weekend wouldn’t work. Do I continue to say each weekend won’t work, or do I tell dd that I’m not going to spend a fortune in time and gas to make sure she has a relationship with someone who treats me like this? My husband says it’s a question of how much I want to put a 16yo in the middle of things. I don’t want to, and yet I don’t like leaving her thinking I’ll do something someday that I have no intention of doing.
Do I say something to my sister?