Hi all. I've been thinking about this for a year or better.When we got married and I basically gave up everything I wanted and had worked for (career I loved, goals...), for our marriage and soon-to-follow kids. It feels like the last couple years we have been growing apart and no longer want the same things out of life. I want a little bit of my dreams and career back and he's not willing to move to help accommodate them. He tells me I'm being selfish and I have kids now so I have to settle for a job I dislike (but it pays decent) in a place I despise for various reasons, and just basically get through life for the kids. He's happy with his job and where we live and his life in general (which I am probably resentful/jealous of), although I can't believe he's happy to be with me lately. I have been cranky and depressed and basically miserable for a long time. I've talked to him about it but nothing changes.
I don't think I love him anymore because he doesn't respect my desires. We are youngish (30) with 2 kids (a 2yr old & 2 month old). I'm torn between not wanting to make my kids deal with a broken family (and part of me still cares for my husband) and not wanting to give up the things that make me happy. I love my kids with all my heart and wouldn't trade them for the world but (and I REALLY hate myself for saying this) I sometimes think I subconsciously blame them for my being "stuck" in the spot I'm in. My husband tells me that basically if I leave him he's gonna make sure I don't get the kids. I don't know if he's bluffing or what, but I can't stand the thought of losing them!
Am I being unreasonable? Selfish? Is he? Please don't hold back, I need to hear it straight and figure out what to do. Counseling is out of the question right now, as we can't afford it. I haven't been going to mass lately either, basically because my 2 year old is pretty unruly there. could this be PPD or something like that? ANY advice is more than welcome!
It just kills me that lately, I have to force myself to tell him I love him or let him touch me. I never initiate anything. And I know it hurts him that I am so distant, which I feel terrible about. I know the honeymoon part of our marriage is over but I never expected to lose all of my feelings for him. It also bothers me that I am certain that if we were not married and did not have kids I would have broken things off a long time ago. I think the only thing that can save our marriage is compromise but I don't think either of us is willing to bend enough. :(
thank you in advance and God Bless.