What do you do when you fall out of love?


#1

Hi all. I've been thinking about this for a year or better.When we got married and I basically gave up everything I wanted and had worked for (career I loved, goals...), for our marriage and soon-to-follow kids. It feels like the last couple years we have been growing apart and no longer want the same things out of life. I want a little bit of my dreams and career back and he's not willing to move to help accommodate them. He tells me I'm being selfish and I have kids now so I have to settle for a job I dislike (but it pays decent) in a place I despise for various reasons, and just basically get through life for the kids. He's happy with his job and where we live and his life in general (which I am probably resentful/jealous of), although I can't believe he's happy to be with me lately. I have been cranky and depressed and basically miserable for a long time. I've talked to him about it but nothing changes.

I don't think I love him anymore because he doesn't respect my desires. We are youngish (30) with 2 kids (a 2yr old & 2 month old). I'm torn between not wanting to make my kids deal with a broken family (and part of me still cares for my husband) and not wanting to give up the things that make me happy. I love my kids with all my heart and wouldn't trade them for the world but (and I REALLY hate myself for saying this) I sometimes think I subconsciously blame them for my being "stuck" in the spot I'm in. My husband tells me that basically if I leave him he's gonna make sure I don't get the kids. I don't know if he's bluffing or what, but I can't stand the thought of losing them!

Am I being unreasonable? Selfish? Is he? Please don't hold back, I need to hear it straight and figure out what to do. Counseling is out of the question right now, as we can't afford it. I haven't been going to mass lately either, basically because my 2 year old is pretty unruly there. could this be PPD or something like that? ANY advice is more than welcome!

It just kills me that lately, I have to force myself to tell him I love him or let him touch me. I never initiate anything. And I know it hurts him that I am so distant, which I feel terrible about. I know the honeymoon part of our marriage is over but I never expected to lose all of my feelings for him. It also bothers me that I am certain that if we were not married and did not have kids I would have broken things off a long time ago. I think the only thing that can save our marriage is compromise but I don't think either of us is willing to bend enough. :(

thank you in advance and God Bless.


#2

To give it to your straight -- every marriage goes through rough spots like this. I had to move to an area I loathe when I married my husband. Four years later, I still hate the area but I have carved out a little niche for myself. It's not what I really want, but I am learning to be happy in it. I also had to give up my career due to location.

What I did to be happy was give up my old dreams. Yes, it sucked, but I made a conscious decision to lay them aside when I got married. It was a decision I made then and I gotta live with it. But rather than mope around about it(well, I did for a while anyway! haha) I got my butt in gear!! I found new things to fall in love with. I discovered my passion for teaching and I took a smidge of my old dreams with me when the church asked me to be their music director. I found that when I was able to open myself to other ideas of being happy, God has poured happiness into my life.

So my advice on that front is don't seek a way out. Don't try to return to the things that you decided to give up. Try to find something else, and open yourself up to new experiences and expect joy!

As for the husband issue - when I was at the height of my depression I blamed my husband for everything. I blamed him for not wanting to move even HALF AN HOUR to split the commute so I could have my dream job. I got mad, resentful, and he just got angry back. See, from HIS perspective, I agreed to all of this when we got married and he felt like I was reneging on my end of the bargain. I realized that we had agreed before our priest and pre-marital counselor that moving wasn't an option. Sometimes, I think he is being REALLY selfish about it....but I agreed to it and I gotta grit my teeth and bear it. I do tell him though. When it really bothers me, I tell him how I feel and we work through the feelings together so we fight, rather than start resenting one another.

It wasn't until I decided to find happiness despite my crud situation that I started to find happiness. And as I started to carve out my own life and MADE myself talk to my husband, tension between us started to ease.

I'm really sorry I don't have better advice or anything on this. It's a rough situation, to be sure but this is what has worked for me.


#3

Leaving a spouse is like a nuclear bomb. Is there a use for it? Yes, without question.

However, even in the best circumstances, it destroys the lives of everyone it touches-including yours.

Allow me to be blunt-I assure you, with the circumstances you just gave me, within a few months, you'll be much more miserable than you think are now.

I'm a bachelor, but I've observed enough of my friends who are couples to know how some of this stuff works.


#4

[quote="just_me, post:1, topic:250714"]
Hi all. I've been thinking about this for a year or better.When we got married and I basically gave up everything I wanted and had worked for (career I loved, goals...), for our marriage and soon-to-follow kids. It feels like the last couple years we have been growing apart and no longer want the same things out of life. I want a little bit of my dreams and career back and he's not willing to move to help accommodate them. He tells me I'm being selfish and I have kids now so I have to settle for a job I dislike (but it pays decent) in a place I despise for various reasons, and just basically get through life for the kids. He's happy with his job and where we live and his life in general (which I am probably resentful/jealous of), although I can't believe he's happy to be with me lately. I have been cranky and depressed and basically miserable for a long time. I've talked to him about it but nothing changes.

I don't think I love him anymore because he doesn't respect my desires. We are youngish (30) with 2 kids (a 2yr old & 2 month old). I'm torn between not wanting to make my kids deal with a broken family (and part of me still cares for my husband) and not wanting to give up the things that make me happy. I love my kids with all my heart and wouldn't trade them for the world but (and I REALLY hate myself for saying this) I sometimes think I subconsciously blame them for my being "stuck" in the spot I'm in. My husband tells me that basically if I leave him he's gonna make sure I don't get the kids. I don't know if he's bluffing or what, but I can't stand the thought of losing them!

Am I being unreasonable? Selfish? Is he? Please don't hold back, I need to hear it straight and figure out what to do. Counseling is out of the question right now, as we can't afford it. I haven't been going to mass lately either, basically because my 2 year old is pretty unruly there. could this be PPD or something like that? ANY advice is more than welcome!

It just kills me that lately, I have to force myself to tell him I love him or let him touch me. I never initiate anything. And I know it hurts him that I am so distant, which I feel terrible about. I know the honeymoon part of our marriage is over but I never expected to lose all of my feelings for him. It also bothers me that I am certain that if we were not married and did not have kids I would have broken things off a long time ago. I think the only thing that can save our marriage is compromise but I don't think either of us is willing to bend enough. :(

thank you in advance and God Bless.

[/quote]

My grandparents celebrated their 60th anniversary several years ago and they have hit several rough patches in marriage.

I agree with Whitacre_Girl, from his perspective you gave that up.

Have you been breastfeeding your children? Apparently it helps with behavior.

I think going to Mass would do you some good, I know I don't feel as good when I miss Mass. Also some marriage counseling might help, Retrouvaille worked for my parents.

PS courts heavily favor the woman, to the point where it can be a miscarriage of justice.


#5

It’s no bed of roses for the husbands either.

They work at jobs they no longer are in love with.

They put up with relatives that openly dislike them.

They sacrifice themselves for their families. They love their wives as Christ loved the Church.


#6

If you do leave your husband, do you think your life will resemble what you are looking for? Would you be able to have the things that make you happy as a single mom with two young children, no spouse in the home to share the burden with, having to work hard to provide for the three of you? The life of a single parent is tough.

It is definitely possible that you are suffering from PPD, but that is a diagnosis that needs to be made by a trained medical professional. If you suspect you have a depression, please contact your doctor as soon as possible. The right therapy, perhaps in combination with an anti-depressant, can make all the difference in the world in how you are feeling.

I do think it is very important that you start going to Mass regularly again. You will feel so much better if you receive the Sacraments on a regular basis. Maybe your husband can look after the two year old, or both kids, and you can find a Mass time that would work depending on his work schedule.

I know how it feels if you are the one that has to give up everything for the other... I gave up my career, my independence, my family and friends, my country, my language, everything. It has not been easy at all, and it continues to be a challenge. But I do know that this is what God wants from me, that this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. Walking out, splitting up my family, making my children grow up without their daddy, it's just not an option.
My sister and a few friends keep telling me:"You have the right to be happy too!" (Meaning I should pack up and go back home to Holland with my kids.)
It sounds reasonable, right? The right to be happy? Except it's not true. I have a right to be happy... sure, but not at the cost of three, soon four, other people! I do not have the right to take my children away from their dad for no other reason than that "I am not happy here". It is up to me to work at it, to create a spot for myself here, and make myself happy. Not easy, no. But worth it. Praying helps!


#7

I have to say, this sounds to me like just another one of the less-glamorous parts of marriage that they don't tell you about ahead of time. I think all marriages have patches like this.

Yes, it could be PPD, why don't you get checked out and then you'll know for sure? It might help.

Another thing I think about a lot is how this is such a short season of life- the 'I am stuck at home all day with these little kids and they are driving me crazy' phase. Someday I will sleep again. Someday I will pursue things I am interested in with no thought for anyone else. Someday I will go to the bathroom without someone barging in. Someday the only person I will have to worry about is me. Well, relatively speaking. I have four- 7, 5, 3, and 1- and the days are crazy and seem so long, but the way the years are flying by it worries me that if I don't stop worrying about everything I don't have and start appreciating these little people now, they will be gone really, really fast. And I will be full of regrets for not forcing myself to enjoy it more.


#8

Thank you both for the replies. I'm hoping you are wrong about the next few months, Rascalking. If I could have it my way I would have both a happy family/marriage (which ours was) and a career I enjoy. BUT I realize how rare that is.

Whitacre Girl, I'm so sorry you're stuck too, but I have to admit it makes it easier to know there are others in this same spot! I'm just not ready to give up my old dreams yet. I've been trying, believe me, but....... maybe you're right and I should just hang up my spurs and see what God wants me to do. maybe it's like a tearing off a bandaid and eventually the sting will go away. :shrug: But I don't think I will honestly ever stop hating the place I live, even if I find something I enjoy here (which I doubt, given my current mindset).

I would give anything to convince him to move back to Montana. We sold our house in a panic when we had our first child because of our financial situation and moved to the midwest to be near HIS family (he's never given any consideration to being near mine). Now I get to deal with all the skeletons in his closet on a daily basis and I'm just tired of it all, compounded with the fact that I can't do what I truly love for a living here.

He's not the man I married, who supported me and loved my passion and dreams and had a sense of adventure. but I suppose I'm a far cry from the girl he married too.


#9

[quote="just_me, post:8, topic:250714"]
Thank you both for the replies. I'm hoping you are wrong about the next few months, Rascalking. If I could have it my way I would have both a happy family/marriage (which ours was) and a career I enjoy. BUT I realize how rare that is.

Whitacre Girl, I'm so sorry you're stuck too, but I have to admit it makes it easier to know there are others in this same spot! I'm just not ready to give up my old dreams yet. I've been trying, believe me, but....... maybe you're right and I should just hang up my spurs and see what God wants me to do. maybe it's like a tearing off a bandaid and eventually the sting will go away. :shrug: But I don't think I will honestly ever stop hating the place I live, even if I find something I enjoy here (which I doubt, given my current mindset).

I would give anything to convince him to move back to Montana. We sold our house in a panic when we had our first child because of our financial situation and moved to the midwest to be near HIS family (he's never given any consideration to being near mine). Now I get to deal with all the skeletons in his closet on a daily basis and I'm just tired of it all, compounded with the fact that I can't do what I truly love for a living here.

He's not the man I married, who supported me and loved my passion and dreams and had a sense of adventure. but I suppose I'm a far cry from the girl he married too.

[/quote]

Someone here gave you poor and discouraging advice.

Love is sacrificial. To truly love means to sacrifice. This is what our sacrement is all about. This is one of many obstacles you will be faced with. Unlike that someone I think your situation is likely to change much for the better. But it may take time and work.

Best wishes and my prayers are with you.


#10

I know very little about children, especially infants, but can't you take turns with your husband so that one of you stays home with the child and the other can attend mass?


#11

[quote="just_me, post:8, topic:250714"]
Thank you both for the replies. I'm hoping you are wrong about the next few months, Rascalking. If I could have it my way I would have both a happy family/marriage (which ours was) and a career I enjoy. BUT I realize how rare that is.
.

[/quote]

I meant if you choose to leave your husband, you'll be miserable. If you keep your family intact, you have a way better chance of happiness.

Sorry about the confusion.

The more I think about this, the more I think your being selfish and inconsiderate.

Is it worth breaking up a family? Really? You've been depressed and miserable-that must be tough on him as well.

Sorry, you asked for blunt advice.


#12

whoa you guys are quick, thank you all too. I have an appointment with my doc next week. maybe I should bring up my thoughts of PPD. I have suggested we try retrouville, he doesn't seem to take it seriously. I understand what it would do to the kids and that's why I'm here. I know he works hard and everything, but he is generally happy about his job and living situation, which makes me feel even more like a schmuck for asking him to move so I csn be happy too. I'm afraid if I don't do it soon, then the kids will be in school and it'll be much harder on them and thus, will never happen.

My parents have been married over 40 years and my dad has told me several times lately that he only stayed in the town they lived in for my mother, who wanted to be near her mother. He told me how many times he wanted to go somewhere else, somewhere warmer or with a better economy or school system... but she wouldn't move and he stuck by her and here they are, in their 60's, still married. and I'm still hearing my dad tell me (when she's not around) that he regrets not moving, although I suspect he wouldn't move without her if he could do it again.

Being a single mother does not appeal at all, nobody envisions that. But my marriage feels more like I have a room mate than a husband. I hope you guys are right and this is a rough patch and we will get through it and be all the better for it. I guess I was hoping to have my cake and eat it too...


#13

I like the tone of your posts, just_me I see a lot of hope.

I've been married to the same man for 32 years. We dated 6 years before we got married. For most of that marriage, we were busy evangelical Protestants, but in 2004, we both converted to Catholicism.

I think that you have been given a lot of good advice. I especially like Whitacre_Girl's advice. You really do have to make your own happiness. It doesn't matter what your circumstances are. Your happiness and joy come from within YOU, not from without.

I know you've been told this, and I'll tell you again. There are many women who would envy your position. It sounds like your children are healthy--that right there is a huge blessing. There is a story in Reader's Digest this month about a little girl who requires round the clock skilled nursing care, and has lived in institutions since birth--her parents have had a lot of struggles, but they are making the best of their lives. Perhaps it would help you to look up that article. It's a weeper.

It sounds like you and your husband are healthy . Just this week, a young man in one of the churches (Protestant) in our city died of brain cancer, leaving behind a wife and children. He was so young.

It sounds like your husband has a job. In this day and age, that's a miracle. Many of the women on this forum apparently live from hand to mouth, and have very little money.

It sounds like your husband is kind and doesn't abuse you, and has no serious vices. Again, that's not true of many women who are on these forums.

It sounds like you live in the country. There are so many women (and men) who would love to live in the country.

And you live in the Midwest--that's where I live and I love it! May I suggest that you subscribe to Midwestern Living Magazine? You will get a feeling for how glorious the Midwest is. I lived in North Carolina for 10 years and liked it a lot. But to me, the Midwest is the most beautiful place on earth.

Anyway, I know when you are feeling low that it really doesn't help to count your blessings. But you might want to try.

As for giving up your dreams--as an older woman who has had a lot of experience living life, I have a strong suggestion for you: Drop it. Do NOT go there. When your mind wanders down that path and you start thinking about all the dreams you gave up for marriage and family, tell your mind to come back. Do not let yourself go down that path again.

One of the women I work with divorced her husband of 30 years because he "wouldn't honor her dreams." Guess what? Her dreams are still not happening now that she is divorced because they are just that--dreams.

Live in reality. Live in the here and now. Do NOT live in a fantasy world.

Read the play "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder, and pay a lot of attention to the death of Emily and her "epiphany" when she asks, "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?--every, every minute?"

And the stage manager replies, "No." Pause. "The saints and poets, maybe--they do some."

And here is my other piece of advice for "falling back in love" with your husband--pretend.

It seems like a lie. But it works. Do and say the things that you did when you were madly in love with him. Obviously some of those things are out because you have small children. But whatever you CAN do, do it again.

You will discover that eventually it won't be pretend any longer. You see, love is not a feeling. It is a choice, and the choice involves action on YOUR part. YOU act like a lover, and eventually you will BE his lover.

I hope that this advice is helpful. Again, I see much hope in your post. You seem like someone who is willing to work at your marriage. Whatever you do, don't give up. Your children deserve two parents. The best gift you can give your children is to be in love with their daddy. Work at it.


#14

1) you want to seperate but cant afford councelling???? PLEEEASE think this through logically. Even a cross-town uhaul rental can be neatly $100 when you include gas and have friends to help you move. Also...call in resources...priests etc.

2) family is important. My family is far and im ok with that. I know that my potentil kids will likely know their other grandparents better than my parents. I'm ok with that because I dislike where they live (I like the ocean and couldnt deal with it being 8hrs away...maybe 1 or 2) You two need to work through that. Also, my uncle wound up getting a job near my cousin....so now they are close.

3) You are employeed at will. Quit your job. You want to quit your marriage with 0...ZERO promise of another job. You hope to get it...wish to get it. Things may have changed....you dont have it.

4) Get help...your thinking is simply not logical


#15

[quote="Rascalking, post:11, topic:250714"]
I meant if you choose to leave your husband, you'll be miserable. If you keep your family intact, you have a way better chance of happiness.

Sorry about the confusion.

The more I think about this, the more I think your being selfish and inconsiderate.

Is it worth breaking up a family? Really? You've been depressed and miserable-that must be tough on him as well.

Sorry, you asked for blunt advice.

[/quote]

Rascalking is right - you will be far more miserable breaking up your family to have a career you like. Not too many people lay on their death bed thinking about their career ;)

The only thing you can do is change how you see the situation -- for example I wouldn't call myself "stuck." I am free to get up and leave any time I want. I CHOOSE to be here. Yes, it's miserable sometimes, but it's far less miserable than if I left my husband for some stupid job.

Seriously - find something you love. It might be different than what you planned. For example: I was going to be a musician. I moved out to the sticks and took a part-time job working as an instructional aide to be ready for a secretarial position in the school when one opened up. I fell in love with teaching. I am now getting a certification to go with my degree so I can teach music to kids someday (or just be a general ED teacher...we'll see). A year and a half ago I was where you seem to be. I used words like "stuck" "hopeless" and even whisper "divorce/separation." Hubby felt for me but he put his foot down - he wasn't going to move away from his job that he loved and all his friends when we both agreed to stay here. Now? There are bad days, to be sure, but I am incredibly happy. I don't think about what could have been, because where I am now is really darn good.

I believe the same thing will happen for you too. Talk to your husband about finding a new career that you love. Take classes at a community college, or even take up a hobby! I started painting and quilting and sell my stuff at etsy. I've only made about $50 so far, but it keeps me happy. And mostly - BANISH words like "stuck." Realize that you are CHOOSING to stay for your hubby and your kids. When you do that, other words like "helpless" and "despair" go away too. When things in your brain start looking better, your attitude towards hubby may turn around too. Doing this can inspire courage in him as well and you can start having more honest dialogue about your feelings. (again, I speak ENTIRELY from experience)

I'll tell you what someone told me - stop being the victim of someone else's story, and start being the hero of your own. You do this SOLELY by how you choose to react to your situation.

It's hard to hear, but TRUST ME. It works. And it will lead you to a happiness that comes from within and doesn't change based on circumstance. Yes, I have my bad days, but all-in-all I have joy. ^_^


#16

Try to focus on the things that you can change. Is it possible to get a babysitter for the 2 year old so you can attend mass? Life is much easier when you put God first. Pray at least once a day.

Do you work full-time or part-time?

I moved to a small town because that is where my husband wanted to live. We are still in the same small town 21 years later. I hate the town but have made friends and have hobbies that keep my busy. I love my parish and I have a good group of friends from there.

Focus on your little ones. They grow up so quickly. Enjoy their childhood.

You'll be even more miserable if you divorce. You will be broke and have even less time to spend with your children because you will be working.

I wanted to leave my husband when my 4 children were young. I am happy that I stayed and gave them a good childhood. They are now teenagers. One is heading for college in the fall. I stayed with my husband for the children. The years have flown by and I figure when the last one turns 18 then I can divorce.

Try to reconnect with your husband. Spend some time alone if possible. It is much easier if you can work as a team raising the children without all the tension.


#17

Just_me - I can sooooooo relate to your post. I also live somewhere I don't particularly like, doing a job I don't particularly care for, because my husband does not want to move. It has caused us some rough times, because it made me resentful that I seemed to be the one giving up everything while my husband had things just the way he liked them. Frankly, I don't think you are being selfish for feeling like you do.

However, I don't think you should up and leave your husband. I am still not completely resigned to spending the rest of my children's school years in the one horse town we're in, so as to avoid moving them, but things are a little better. That is because I found a few new interests. For instance, I tutor a Mexican woman once a week, in English. It is a way of reconnecting with my past experiences in Latin America and hearing Spanish again. For an hour a week, I think about something besides work or family demands, so it is freeing and I go home in a better mood.

Is there some new experience you can try out where you live? It may be a way of reconnecting with your dreams - or maybe you will find NEW interests. (I can't believe no one had suggested that yet!) I know you have little ones, but perhaps something like an on-line course might be fun for you. Many of them only require a few hours a week, and you can usually work when you want (such as when the bbay is sleeping, in your case).

I think some of the other posters are a little too quick to let your husband off the hook. He is not responsible for your happiness, and he does not have to move just because you want to. However, it does not sound as though he is making things any easier for you. He could help you find that new interest I suggested (does he watch the kids so you could take a class, read a book, exercise, etc?), but simply telling you to 'suck it up' does not show him in a good light. I think he feels guilty about the situation, and does not want to own up to his part in your relationship difficulties. It is not a all or nothing situation, but BOTH (not just you) of you are treating it as though it is.


#18

ok I think I have been misleading. I am not considering leaving because I have a hairbrained idea to go chase my dreams on my own. I am considering leaving because I don't know how I feel about my husband. I know I made my vows and I wouldn't remarry or anything, but I just don't feel much of anything for him because of his disregard. that said, I'm not throwing the towel in either, I'm willing to work on it (I have been for about a year now), that's why I posted for advice. I have no idea where to start. now I see it's mostly a "me" problem so while I work through my baggage I'll have to make an effort to be a better wife to him. Like I said, the kids are the reason I'm there right now.

I kind of feel like he wasn't completely honest with me either. I agreed to move here because of the money thing but we agreed it would be a temporary arrangement. then we ended up pregnant with our son and that seems to be when he started to dig his heels in and tell me he wasn't leaving.

I'm working full time but different days than him. I work 4 10 hour days including every other weekend, and drive about 100 miles a day to work. It stinks but I'm thankful for the income and benefits in this lousy economy. My husband and I get at most every other weekend together, and he works some of them. I couldn't tell you the last time we had any "us" time. maybe that would help.

Cat-- really pretend to be in love? It just doesn't feel honest. But I guess maybe it could work. I appreciate your post, it made me feel a little more optimistic.

uh oh baby's awake, will be back


#19

[quote="just_me, post:18, topic:250714"]
ok I think I have been misleading. I am not considering leaving because I have a hairbrained idea to go chase my dreams on my own. I am considering leaving because I don't know how I feel about my husband. I know I made my vows and I wouldn't remarry or anything, but I just don't feel much of anything for him because of his disregard. that said, I'm not throwing the towel in either, I'm willing to work on it (I have been for about a year now), that's why I posted for advice. I have no idea where to start. now I see it's mostly a "me" problem so while I work through my baggage I'll have to make an effort to be a better wife to him. Like I said, the kids are the reason I'm there right now.

I kind of feel like he wasn't completely honest with me either. I agreed to move here because of the money thing but we agreed it would be a temporary arrangement. then we ended up pregnant with our son and that seems to be when he started to dig his heels in and tell me he wasn't leaving.

I'm working full time but different days than him. I work 4 10 hour days including every other weekend, and drive about 100 miles a day to work. It stinks but I'm thankful for the income and benefits in this lousy economy. My husband and I get at most every other weekend together, and he works some of them. I couldn't tell you the last time we had any "us" time. maybe that would help.

Cat-- really pretend to be in love? It just doesn't feel honest. But I guess maybe it could work. I appreciate your post, it made me feel a little more optimistic.

uh oh baby's awake, will be back

[/quote]

You should feel optimistic.

You obviously have some talent, or you never would have had career ambitions. I think you can take that talent and channel it into creating an awesome, fulfilling marriage and raising wonderful children.

You WERE in love with him at some point, right? You must have been in love with him, to marry him and to have children with him, especially when you gave up other plans and ambitions to do this.

Some women get married out of a need for security, or to escape from a miserable home situation. But it sounds to me like you honestly loved your husband back then.

All you're doing by "pretending" is awakening the love that you already have inside you, a love that has "gone to sleep." You need to re-discover it.

The love you have is like a fire that looks like it has gone out, so it's cold and dark. But it hasn't really gone out. It's just died down a lot. There's only a small glowing ember left of that love--that's the part of you that's staying with your husband and that has caused you to write this forum and ask for advice.

What you need to do is fan that ember into a flame again. THAT'S what "pretending" will help you to do.

Another way to explain it is "muscle memory." As you know, I am very involved with the sport of figure skating. I've seen it happen many times--a skater who was very good as a teenager will leave the sport for several years (usually for college and/or marriage/children). Then that skater will come back to the rink for a party or to try to get a little exercise, or because their children have begged to "see Mommy skate." So the skater comes back, puts on their old skates, heads out to the ice, and within a few minutes, they are landing all the same jumps that they landed back when they were kids.

It's muscle memory. It's the same thing that happens when someone learns to ride a bike--you never forget. Or me on the piano--I can sit down and play pieces that I played as a child, not perfectly, but well enough, even if 20 years have passed.

The "heart" is a muscle, and what you do by saying and doing those same things that you did back when you were crazy in love is activate that "muscle memory."

And what's really neat is that, just like those skaters are thrilled to be back on the ice again, or a person is thrilled to be riding a bike again, or I'm thrilled to play through the Revolutionary Etude again, you will discover that you are thrilled to be in love with your husband again.

Keep in mind that love is an action, not a feeling, and the more you "practice" that action, the easier and more fun it will get.


#20

[quote="just_me, post:12, topic:250714"]

My parents have been married over 40 years and my dad has told me several times lately that he only stayed in the town they lived in for my mother, who wanted to be near her mother. He told me how many times he wanted to go somewhere else, somewhere warmer or with a better economy or school system... but she wouldn't move and he stuck by her and here they are, in their 60's, still married. and I'm still hearing my dad tell me (when she's not around) that he regrets not moving, although I suspect he wouldn't move without her if he could do it again.

[/quote]

I think that is a testimony that your dad obviously sacrificed a lot to stay married to your mom. And as much as he wished he would have moved, he knows he got the better deal

CM


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