What do you say?


#1

I miscarried almost 2 months ago. My 2 youngest are 1 and 2 and have been more of a challenge.(normal toddlers).
I was telling my MIL a story about my 2 yr old getting into the spice cupboard and spreading garlic all over the kitchen floor.
She then said “can you imagine having a baby in the spring”? I was speachless.
Did she think as I cleaned up the mess I was telling myself “I’m so glad I miscarried”.
I just wish I had a kind way to let people know we wanted this baby and we grieve this loss tremendously.
I know she didn’t mean to hurt me but she was also less than thrilled for us when we told her about the pregnancy.
Any advice?


#2

That was a horrible thing for her to say. I miscarried twice after our third child, and it was devastating. I think some people were of the feeling that since we had three healthy children, we shouldn’t be too sad if we couldn’t have more. (We have 5 kids now).

I can’t imagine what your MIL was thinking. Is she Catholic? Why was she not thrilled about the pregnancy? My mother thinks that our kids are too close together and worries that they don’t feel special enough sometimes.

I think you should gently remind her how much you loved your baby, and grieve the loss, and would gladly have taken any added stress that a new baby brings along with all the joy. And, pray, pray, pray for her.

I am sorry for your loss, and am praying for you.


#3

Yes, she is catholic. Both my husband and I were brought up in very pro contraceptive households.I know she thinks of all the secular worries ie: how will you put all the kids through college, you don’t have a big enough car, house, paycheck ect. We are 41 so she also worries about all the risks that come along with being an older mom.
I have a really hard time talking to almost anyone about my feelings because I get so emotional.So she really doesn’t understand our loss.
I know I must forgive her and pray somedaay she will understand.


#4

My mom would say the same kind of thing. When my SIL thought she was miscarrying, my mom said to me, “Maybe it’s for the best.”

I don’t know how old your mom is, but mine comes from a time when attitudes were different. You didn’t talk about such things. You didn’t grieve openly. I think people from that generation just don’t know how to handle the openness we seem to have now.

Mind you, I think it was an insensitive thing to say, but I doubt she has any idea someone would see it that way. I’m sorry for your loss.
–KCT


#5

I don’t really have any advice. I just miscarried yesterday (13 weeks) and am preparing myself to deal with the people who knew that we were expecting which is just about everybody because my husband was so unbelievably excited. I started out really excited but changed somewhere along the way because I just had a gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I am such a bundle of emotions right now. I fully expect to get some callous remarks.

My husband is so sweet and supportive. He really put things into perspective for me when he told me that it makes him that much more thankful and greatful for the children we do have. Every child is a blessing and bundle of joy. I never would have gotten through the first miscarriage I had 6 years ago if my husband hadn’t recommend we name the baby we lost and pray over her soul. Even though I never heard a heartbeat or felt a kick, it still hurts. He tried to talk to his parents about the impending MC but they kept avoiding the topic altogether.

My prayers are with you. Of course, you can always tell your mom, “I can’t imagine not having a baby in the spring! I am still grieving.”


#6

While the delivery of the message was ham-handed and offensive to you, your MIL is surely concerned about your well being and that of your family. No one would wish for something like this for convenience sake, and perhaps she’s just feeling a little overwhelmed for you with two small ones to care for already (I know I feel exhausted for the mom whenever I visit a household with lots of little kids/babies because I can appreciate how much energy it takes to keep up with it all.)

In any event, don’t let what seems to be an insensitive remark strain your relationship with her. I think susie g’s advice about making a gentle comment that you would have welcomed both the stress and joy that comes with a new baby should be sufficient to convey to her that this is a real loss and that you are truly grieving.

This is a particularly challenging time of year to be suffering the loss of a baby. Try to focus on the blessings that surround you, rather than those that are absent. You have a very generous heart to be so open to life and you will be in my prayers.


#7

[quote=momtofivekids]I miscarried almost 2 months ago. My 2 youngest are 1 and 2 and have been more of a challenge.(normal toddlers).
I was telling my MIL a story about my 2 yr old getting into the spice cupboard and spreading garlic all over the kitchen floor.
She then said “can you imagine having a baby in the spring”? I was speachless.
Did she think as I cleaned up the mess I was telling myself “I’m so glad I miscarried”.
I just wish I had a kind way to let people know we wanted this baby and we grieve this loss tremendously.
I know she didn’t mean to hurt me but she was also less than thrilled for us when we told her about the pregnancy.
Any advice?
[/quote]

**sigh BTDT. **

**My advice? Be honest once, then ignore them as that’s likely what they are doing to you - unless you feel they are purposely being hurtfull, in which case it’s time to limit your time with them.:crying: **

**“No, I can’t imagine having a baby in the spring. I could not imagine having 5 children with the 2 yr old getting into my spices back when I only had 4 either. However, I’m happy to be living it and laughing about it now. I have no reason to believe I would feel any different if it were 6 children with the 2 year old getting in the spices.”:smiley: **


#8

[quote=ConcernCatholic]I don’t really have any advice. I just miscarried yesterday (13 weeks) and am preparing myself to deal with the people who knew that we were expecting which is just about everybody because my husband was so unbelievably excited. I started out really excited but changed somewhere along the way because I just had a gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I am such a bundle of emotions right now. I fully expect to get some callous remarks.

My husband is so sweet and supportive. He really put things into perspective for me when he told me that it makes him that much more thankful and greatful for the children we do have. Every child is a blessing and bundle of joy. I never would have gotten through the first miscarriage I had 6 years ago if my husband hadn’t recommend we name the baby we lost and pray over her soul. Even though I never heard a heartbeat or felt a kick, it still hurts. He tried to talk to his parents about the impending MC but they kept avoiding the topic altogether.

My prayers are with you. Of course, you can always tell your mom, “I can’t imagine not having a baby in the spring! I am still grieving.”
[/quote]

I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, you will get some really callous remarks. All you can do is pray for them. Before our son died, I probably would have thought some of those same things. Now I know better. Sometimes all you can do is think, “I hope you never have to find out how hurtful that remark was”.

Arlene


#9

[quote=momtofivekids]I miscarried almost 2 months ago. My 2 youngest are 1 and 2 and have been more of a challenge.(normal toddlers).
I was telling my MIL a story about my 2 yr old getting into the spice cupboard and spreading garlic all over the kitchen floor.
She then said “can you imagine having a baby in the spring”? I was speachless.
Did she think as I cleaned up the mess I was telling myself “I’m so glad I miscarried”.
I just wish I had a kind way to let people know we wanted this baby and we grieve this loss tremendously.
I know she didn’t mean to hurt me but she was also less than thrilled for us when we told her about the pregnancy.
Any advice?
[/quote]

Tell her, "Well, considering the alternative, it would have been a small price to pay.
Just pray. Honor your baby’s memory, find other like minded women to grieve with and try to ignore the rest.

Arlene


#10

One organization that helped me tremendously when we lost our son was SHARE
www.nationalshareoffice.com
They can send support matierials, there is a really awesome newletter you can subscribe to, there are message boards, and they can link you to local support groups.

I started local support groups twice as SHARE chapters. It is really helpful to connect with other moms who understand the depth of your loss, and who won’t just tell you to get over it, or it was for the best, or any of the other callous comments we have to endure.

The group was started by a nun, who just died last year.

All our babies and the mothers who love them are in my prayers.
Arlene


#11

Mom2five-

My wife also miscarried 2 months ago. We know what you are going through. My wife had a PRIEST make a callous remark similar to yours- my wife was dumb-founded. I told her it was not done to be hurtful and he was of a generation that did not know better (he is in his 80’s).

I suppose that same conclusion could be made of your MIL’s remark.

Have you ever heard of Elizabeth Ministries? They are a support group for women with child-bearing issues. They have a website: elizabethministry.com

Blessings to you, Todd


#12

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