What do you wish your parents had told you about sex?


#1

Also, dating, and relationships.

In my case, ANYTHING! I was raised by my father after my mom died when I was 10, and Daddy never gave me the birds and bees talk at all, nor told me anything about what I ought to expect and require from a boy I dated. I got what I got from my older sister who was not a good role model.:eek:

So in thinking back, I wondered what others would have wanted to hear about from their parents - what would have helped you the most at the time, what you needed to hear about from them but didn't, etc. What did you hear from friends that sent you down a bad alleyway, so to speak, and wasn't clarified by your parents?

I think my generation was given the wrong instructions, mostly - "if it feels good, do it." "If it doesn't hurt anyone, what's the harm," etc. The Baby Boomers pretty much trampled on their parents' value system so we were flying blind and caused ourselves a lot of pain and suffering, as well as hurting others.

:eek:


#2

I wish my mother had just told me about sex in general instead of letting evil pornography do that for me. It would have also helped if I was ever taught what love was to begin with..


#3

I am the oldest so I didn't even have an older sibling to guide me through. My mother gave me a book and that was the end of that. I didn't date in school and then at 18 out in the big bad world I had no idea what to expect from guys or myself. I couldn't spot the genuine article from the con. I wish I had been told how to treasure myself and ensure that the guy did the same thing.


#4

I wish my mom had told me not just "Don't do it," (Which she did tell me in no uncertain terms) but more about why a teenager is NOT emotionally equipped to deal with a sexual relationship. I wish she had talked about confusing sex with love. I wish she had told me that sex with someone who doesn't love you is an act of self-harm and that regrets about having sex with the wrong person will always be worse than any regret that a boyfriend walked away when denied sex.

I wish my mother had told me that I could talk to her about not only about sex and sexual feelings in general, but about MY own sexual feelings, and what was going on in my life.


#5

As bad as it was when I was growing up, at least we didn't have the internet at our fingertips! Kids and teens now days have filth at the ready every time they log on or even boot up their phones, for goodness' sake!!!

So far it sounds as if I am not alone in getting no advice or training, or very unhelpful training (my sister helped me get on ABC at age 14) from parents.

I'd like to say I have done better with my sons, it hasn't been easy for me and I think I have still left a gap in their training. It's my job b/c my husband will not confront his own discomfort and actually it's OK with me that he hasn't done or said much b/c he is not opposed to ABC if they are going to have sex.

:eek:

I think I should just make that smiley icon my signature.


#6

My mother has never discussed it with me...(I'm 41)

I remember being about 10 and asking my mom what tampons were. She didn't tell me, but changed the subject.. :shrug: When I started my period the year later, I was totally unprepared.

My Dad was very loving, yet strict...and basically it was "Boys stay far away from my daughter." All boys were suspect.

So anything I learned was from Redbook magazine, the dictionary and encyclopedia, later Glamour magazine, Cosmopolitain, and romance novels. :(


#7

I wish my mother and father told me that girls can be just as pressuring as boys to have sex.

I wish they told me that it you did NOT need to steady date in high school/college. That you could have fun with your friends and not worry about being a “couple”.

I wish they told me that some ladies are devasated if you don’t call/text them 24 hours a day 7 days a week! :cool:


#8

My mother died when I was eight. I learned about sex from the stack of Playboys in my father's bedroom.

Of course, for my sake and the sake of the women who have been in my life, I wish someone had taught me about giving myself to Christ and living a chaste life, without premarital sex and masterbation.

On the other hand, nobody can teach like God and the saints.

After years of messing it up, I am now learning from God and the saints, and I am imparting this knowledge, to the best of my ability to my daughter. I am trying to reach my two adult children too, but it is a little more challenging. I will pray for them, and if it is God's will, they will follow too. It will be difficult, as they have taken wives who are not Catholic. I love all people, but a mixed faith marriage can be difficult.

It is only recently that I realized I can live my faith without my wife's participating. My wife does not have marital relations with me, and if it weren't for my daughter, she would divorce me. My solution at first was to substitute masterbation. This is of course not God's will.

I tried and tried to stop, but over and over I failed. Every Saturday, I was in the confessional, and by Wednesday I had failed again. Once I failed, I would repeat over and over until Saturday.

I am living a chaste life now, with the help of St Francis' example and intercession, and Mary's as well. It is difficult at times, but I am getting there through the Grace of God. I have of recent found much help in asking God to give me the faith of the great saints, so that I may follow Christ.

For me, I can't follow unless I believe. The more I believe, the better I follow. I can't make myself believe. God gives me the grace to believe, and if I don't have it, I can ask God for it. He hears my prayers, and he hears the prayers of the great saints. Of recent, I begun asking Mary and St Frances to pray for me. I now believe. It is amazing. I thank God, and I thank Mary, and I thank St Frances for praying for me.

Perhaps if I remain chaste long enough, my wife will come back to me. If not, I have the greatest spouse of all at my side. One day I will be in heaven, with God, Jesus, Mary, and all the angels and saints. In heaven, they don't treat each other the way we treat each other. They don't fear the leper. They love the leper. I pray for the courage to love the leper, so that I may one day enter heaven.


#9

I wish my parents brought me up in faith and explained sex from a Christian perspective. I got a very technical explanation of how babies come into the world, but without specific moral guidelines. (My mom was not practicing her faith at that time, which is very unfortunate.)


#10

My parents were very uncomfortable talking to me at all about sex or sexuality with one exception. If there was sexual content in a movie, we were not permitted to watch the scene and it turned into "lesson time" about how sex was intended for marriage only. I knew I was supposed to wait and was committed to waiting before I knew what sex was.

That said, I was also given the impression that too much knowledge about sex was immoral to have. As such, I refused to listen to any of my peers who'd try to talk to me about sex, and was horrified in highschool when we were told to color code the different parts of male and female genitals. I absolutely refused to do it and pretty much failed that unit.

I wish I had been explained more about sexuality at a younger age, been given the proper names for my body parts, and had been given the tools to help me identify when people were taking advantage of me. I also wish that the answers I needed to calm my anxieties about sex. I wish it had never been communicated to me that sex was merely a wife's duty to her husband, or a teenage girl's way to try to keep her boyfriend from breaking up with her. I wish I could have been brought up to see sex in a more positive light.


#11

[quote="Rascalking, post:7, topic:220999"]
I wish my mother and father told me that girls can be just as pressuring as boys to have sex.

I wish they told me that it you did NOT need to steady date in high school/college. That you could have fun with your friends and not worry about being a "couple".

I wish they told me that some ladies are devasated if you don't call/text them 24 hours a day 7 days a week! :cool:

[/quote]

It was difficult for me to believe that girls these days can be MORE aggressive than boys when it comes to sex. But I have had that confirmed from more than one source. I have to address that. I heard from one source that girls will have sex with a boy to "mark" him as her personal territory.

:eek:


#12

[quote="tryingtofollow, post:8, topic:220999"]

I am living a chaste life now, with the help of St Francis' example and intercession, and Mary's as well. It is difficult at times, but I am getting there through the Grace of God. I have of recent found much help in asking God to give me the faith of the great saints, so that I may follow Christ.

For me, I can't follow unless I believe. The more I believe, the better I follow. I can't make myself believe. God gives me the grace to believe, and if I don't have it, I can ask God for it. He hears my prayers, and he hears the prayers of the great saints. Of recent, I begun asking Mary and St Frances to pray for me. I now believe. It is amazing. I thank God, and I thank Mary, and I thank St Frances for praying for me.

Perhaps if I remain chaste long enough, my wife will come back to me. If not, I have the greatest spouse of all at my side. One day I will be in heaven, with God, Jesus, Mary, and all the angels and saints. In heaven, they don't treat each other the way we treat each other. They don't fear the leper. They love the leper. I pray for the courage to love the leper, so that I may one day enter heaven.

[/quote]

Thank you for posting on my thread. Your honesty really touched me. I think you are on the right track with remaining chaste. I know that if I were your wife, I would be extremely impressed with your heartfelt desire to change and your obvious love of God.


#13

[quote="twoangels, post:10, topic:220999"]
My parents were very uncomfortable talking to me at all about sex or sexuality with one exception. If there was sexual content in a movie, we were not permitted to watch the scene and it turned into "lesson time" about how sex was intended for marriage only. I knew I was supposed to wait and was committed to waiting before I knew what sex was.

That said, I was also given the impression that too much knowledge about sex was immoral to have. As such, I refused to listen to any of my peers who'd try to talk to me about sex, and was horrified in highschool when we were told to color code the different parts of male and female genitals. I absolutely refused to do it and pretty much failed that unit.

I wish I had been explained more about sexuality at a younger age, been given the proper names for my body parts, and had been given the tools to help me identify when people were taking advantage of me. I also wish that the answers I needed to calm my anxieties about sex. I wish it had never been communicated to me that sex was merely a wife's duty to her husband, or a teenage girl's way to try to keep her boyfriend from breaking up with her. I wish I could have been brought up to see sex in a more positive light.

[/quote]

This is pretty much my experience as well with my parents and the subject of sex. I was left too much on my own to figure out everything, from what tampons were for and how to use them to more importantly how to take care of myself in a dating relationship. I was thrown to the wolves too much and suffered the consequences for a long time before I became proactive about the whole subject matter and sought out counseling and spiritual direction. I am trying to be the parent I always wished mine had been about this subject with my own daughter.


#14

Juliane,

I hope you won't mind if I come at your post from the exact opposite of your desired info. Not so much what I wish I had, but what I had and what actually worked.

My mother had a VERY open relationship with my sister and I. We were taught to keep our bodies private. Not running around naked outside our home and such. But we were also taught that our bodies were beautiful and natural and from God. NOTHING dirty about them.

We had some academic education at our Catholic school, on the physical workings of our bodies. Where babies came from etc. Mom just told us that if we had questions we should ask her. There was NOTHING that was off limits. NOTHING.

When we started our periods is was a very matter of fact thing. There was no talk about the Sin of Eve and such. Just this is what our bodies do.

Mom would regularly take advantage of ANY STORY that was public information and explain why that was right or wrong. So if we heard of a 13 y/o getting pg, she would tell us something like... How sad for her... and then depending on the known circumstances.... If she was raped or it was insect. That would be explained. Her lack of willing consent abused. Her body abused. That didn't make her a bad person. ETC... If it was a girl of loose morals, HOW SAD, that she doesn't know how special she is. That no man/boy is good enough to have her body without a ring on her finger. THIS WAS HUGE... We were kind of raised as sexual snobs. Meaning, any guy that approached us, especially, casually in nature, would get a "get real" and an eye roll... AS IF! (you should add a valley girl accent there! LOL)

We were educated on the "lines" used by boys/men... You would if you loved me... Everyone is doing it. ETC... So that when it was used, and it was... (which gave mom's info a lot more credit... She was RIGHT!!!!)... I'd have a pretty generic response. "OH MY GOD... did you just say that to me???? Are you serious? Can't you think of anything original?" I had the whole situation turned around within seconds. I learned to use humor in this situation.

We were educated that not ALL MEN are created equal. Basically, there are a lot more pigs out there than not. (sorry guys!).

She did teach us that God wanted us to stay pure for marriage. That God thinks we are very special and we should think so too.

She also scared us to death about the possibilty of pregnancy. Or std's. And that condems didn't work well enough. Especially when guys broke them on purpose... (yes, guys do that!)

We were taught NEVER to accept an open drink from anyone. NEVER. We were to open the can ourselves. Even if it was our best friend that handed it to us. Then we got stories about guys spiking drinks. This happened to my mother when she was a young girl. She was fortunate that a friend showed to a party to find her near passed out drunk. Completely unaware what was about to happen. Who took her home. She also can no longer drink gin to this day.

I was allowed to date. All dates were scrutinized. I was not allowed to just go "hang out". I could go to a movie. I could go to a dance. My mother knew EXACTLY where I was. She acted like a detective. NOTHING got past her. You might have tried to trick her once. And then that was it.

I was allowed a steady boyfriend. But my parents KNEW him. And they still love him as he's my husband now! But he was over at our house at LEAST once a week having dinner. And mom made him cook once in a while (he's a pro chef now, much to urging of my parents), Dad made him mow our lawn (LOL), well, guilted him into it, and paid him, so he could take me on a "proper date". My parents drove us on many dates. So did his parents. I was allowed to drive our family car. He was not!

I was made aware of how pretty I was. And I was. I had guys hitting on my starting at the age 12. And they came from all walks of life. I had already learned that guys that were significantly older than me, that were hitting on me weren't respected among girls his own age... OR HE WOULD BE DATING THEM!!!! And so I knew to stir clear. I had teachers hit on me! Whose eyes bugged out when I informed them by dad would LOVE to meet them. But not to be suprised if he answered the door with a shot gun in hand. I usually asked for an A in the class at that point. They weren't actually teaching anything anyway! Funny how they THOUGHT the whole grade thing would work in their piggish favor.

Basically, I was taught that I had to show myself respect before most men would show me respect.

My mother also talked openly with my friends. She KNEW all my friends. They were allowed over at our house WHENEVER. She knew that many of them were at risk. She did her part to keep them safe. If their nim wit parents let them stay out until 1 in the morning, they were allowed to stay at my house watching movies until 1 in the morning. I had the "cool mom"... who was wickedly strict. But who they could TALK to!

I remember a terrible incident in my highschool. Invovling drunk driving and LOTS of death. It was a terrible lesson to learn at 16. TERRIBLE. A friend of my sisters happened to had been in the car with the drunk driver about an hour before. She and another friend got out because he was scaring them (smart finally)... He and 2 other in his car died that night. He also killed a woman, her daughter, and her grandbaby. But the cops showed at the friends house, 'cause her wallet was in his car. She lied to her parents (who bought it) that she left it in his car days before. My mother heard through the grapevine. She must have yelled at this girl for a solid hour about everything she risked being out with him and partying when EVERYONE knew he was an accident waiting to happen. My mom was not going to let that slip by. Do you know that girl still talks about that to this day. Almost 30 years later. How my mom didn't "buy" her lame story, and cared enough to rip into her?


#15

Yeah... I'm a chatter box:

My dad: He was quiet. He wasn't terribly comfy talking about sex. But he'd always tell me how pretty I was, and that he hoped my boyfriend new how to be respectful of me. And he'd send mom my way if he thought something was wrong, and she hadn't noticed.

Interestingly, years later, when I was in my 30's. And I had boys (my first/only kids), my dad took me aside. He said: I just want you to know that little boys get erections all the time and I don't want you to worry about that. They will often get one when they have to go pee, or whenever. There's nothing wrong with it. I think he was a little embarassed to tell me that. But he wanted to make sure, that since there is only one much older than me boy in the family, that I knew this.

In the end... (gosh I AM long winded... sorry). I have only had sex with my husband, I have always known that my body is something to be cherished. And that I had to cherish it first before I could expect anyone else to. I am also pretty "open" about sex. It's something to be cherished and is beautiful. But easily tarnished, and made gross.

I plan to be open with my boys. DH is open with them as well. I plan to teach them to respect girls, but also themselves. That there are girls out there that don't have any self respect, and those are the girls not to get involved with. The have too much to figure out right now. That their body is a gift to their wife. Yes, girls are aggressive. It's odd, my kids are in Kindergarten. There is one little girl. Seemingly very sweet. But she's freakishly possessive of one of my boys. I'm already having to talk with a 5 y/o that he does not have to hold someone's hand if he does not want to. How to nicely tell her to give him some space. (I don't want her devistated at 5 either.) Good Lord it's scary isn't it????

And you can bet the house that I'll be praying like a maniac that I tell them all they need to know, and they make good decisions when I'm not right there making sure they do so....


#16

Two thumbs up on your posts faithfully! I liked them so much I even read them twice. :thumbsup::thumbsup:

I hope I can even be half the mom as yours.


#17

Parents told me nothing. I heard it from friends, school, details of it in sex ed classes starting in 4th grade, and it was even in my childrens encyclopedia way years before that I was a kid. We all knew what it was by 2nd grade by others telling eachother or kids walking in on their parents, asked their older siblings, that sorta thing. Meaning most the kids in my class. We would laugh about it. We also knew what homosexuality was and what they did in elementary school. Kids these days learn things very young, it seems.


#18

[quote="sugarbreak, post:16, topic:220999"]

I hope I can even be half the mom as yours.

[/quote]

You and me both.... :D


#19

faithfully, your mother ROCKS and your dad too! If it weren't immoral I would ask to have them cloned.

Honestly, your mother is what I consider to be perfect in this area and her example is the way I am trying to do it with my kids. My husband is more open than your dad, but he is currently deployed, so I'm on my own for about a year. :o

Now, let me give you the bad side of being open and willing to talk. And I am sad to say there is one....

My dad was an atheist when I was growing up. He started having sex at 17 with condoms surreptitiously provided by his own father. He had many sexual experiences up until he met my mother and got her pregnant. While they were married, my mom says he was faithful to her and I believe he was. I have to give him credit for that. However, once they divorced, he went on quite a spree. During this time, my mother completely screwed up her life financially and had to surrender custody of myself and my brother to our dad, because she could not afford to take care of us anymore. We came home (my dad had kept the house) in the middle of the spree. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to be a 12 year old girl listening to your father making some strange woman scream in the next room? And knowing you'll likely never see that particular one again? Or how about running into said disheveled stranger the next morning rummaging in your fridge? You know she just had sex with your dad, probably on the day she met him, but you don't know her name and you can't get breakfast until she's out of your way. Thankfully, he seemed to realize that that was harming us, and settled down to a string of fairly monogamous girlfriends, but a lot of them and always openly sleeping with them, both at our house and theirs. When my dad talked to me about sex, this attitude was what he communicated. At least he was honest. He asked me about this same age, 12 or 13, what I thought about premarital sex. I said that it was people's business if they wanted to do that. He said, no, I mean for you. I said that I thought I wanted to wait until I got married. He turned to me and said, "WHY would you want to wait that long?" Even after everything else, I was pretty shocked by that. I knew other girls' dads did not say things like that to them.

My mother is a stubbornly lapsed Catholic who is extremely dissatisfied with her upbringing. Her mother gave her a book written by a priest about sex and never said a word. When my mom got her period, she thought she was dying. Overall, I agree with her that it was a cruel and unacceptable way for a mother to treat her daughter. BUT my mom was so determined to be different that she became completely intrusive and annoying. She came back into my life after I returned to my dad's custody, after about a year and a half of no communication. She hounded me for any news about my period, which I did not get until 15 1/2. So I had a few years of her constantly telling to me to carry supplies just incase, asking if it had happened yet, and going on about her own mother. When she talked to me about sex, she seemed uncomfortable yet committed to making sure I had no hangups, and that included morally. She thought I should be "in love" but if I wanted to have sex then I should. Birth control was expected. She also talked to me about the few boyfriends she had, and went so far as to tell me that she hadn't had any good sex since she left my father.

Funny thing about all this "openness" and "freedom:" I was disgusted. Especially by my father. I remember talking to my best friend about what was going on at this time, and saying to her, "I am never going to be some man's plaything." I knew what I wanted in life, and it was love and respect and commitment, not knowing I'll never be back and that the guy I just had sex with doesn't care about me, nor I about him. I saw all that for what it was, people acting like animals, using each other, and risking horrible diseases. It so diminished my father in my eyes. With my mom, I saw her as kind of pathetic and trying to repair her own damage, not to help me.

However, I must say one thing in favor of my parents' approach. I grew up knowing what sex was, how it worked, and that you could get pregnant or catch diseases, even the first time. There really was no mystery. But also, as gross as my dad's life was, I did get something from him that I cherish, and that is a healthy and fun attitude toward sex. I always expected to enjoy it and had no trouble communicating to my then boyfriend, now husband, how to help me enjoy it. I credit my dad for the fact that I have an open, honest, and mutually fulfilling relationship with my husband, because he taught me that sex is something to be enjoyed without shame. I just differ with him on the proper venue.

In the end, I have only ever had sex with one man. And I never want to experience any other. The way my parents raised me could not have been predicted to end that way! What I wish I had been taught, but what my parents could not teach me, was the power of sex. How it involves the soul and the heart, not just the body. My husband learned this lesson the hard way, because his parents refused to talk to him. They left him to figure things out on his own, with his first girlfriend at 15. He had sex with her twice, then broke up with her because he knew it was wrong. He knew he didn't love her, and he knew he never wanted to get her pregnant. She reacted with rage and hit him in the face with a handful of keys... he still has the scar and always will. He spent the next 2 years in a black depression, hating himself for using her and betraying his own values. His notebooks from that time are truly scary. That is the lesson our kids need, and it gets harder and harder to teach every day in this culture.


#20

Wow… Yeah, I def. think it’s important to bring God into the equation. You are very lucky in that you managed to pull the lesson out of your dad’s behavior. His extreme example made it clear he didn’t really value women (at least not at that time)… and that wasn’t something you didn’t want… Thank God!

It really has been in my experience those that are left entirely to figure things out end up adding a child’s idea to things. It messes with them in the long run…


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