What does a guy do...?


#1

What does a guy do when he discovers that a certain young lady who he often sees at Mass and for whom he developed something of an obsessive crush, even though he could never seem to bring himself to even say "hello" to her because of his low self-esteem, shyness, or general awkwardness, though now, while receiving counselling for self-esteem issues, no longer has much of a crush on her at all, finds that she's created a profile on catholicmatch.com?


#2

Hello Epistemes:

Some thoughts:

"90% of life is just showing up." --I think Mark Twain said that. I think it was Churchill who said, "most great deeds were done by people who, on that particular day, weren't feeling very well."

--The point is, forget the shyness...or the counselling, etc., for the moment. Just forget it. Those are crutches.

--Okay, so you're clearly single..,and she's single... and you're looking...and she's clearly looking...and you're in close physical proximity (you clearly live close enough the same church...). So you're on the right track.

Now, what to do about it? Some thoughts:

  1. First, start with the obvious: Answer her on Catholicmatch...or do "whatever it is" one does with that.
  2. Church is IMHO a BAD place to "pick someone up," as it is difficult to strike up a conversation.People go to worship.... 3..that said, if you aren't into the Catholicmatch thingie, what you need is some basis to talk to her.
  3. ...so I recommend you shave your beard (if you have one), don;t wear sweat pants, i.e., look nice. I got approached by my wife in large part because I was wearing a sport jacket & dress slacks when others at the same function weren't (she wasn't my wife then ):)...
  4. See if there is something happening wherein you can speak to her, after Mass. A raffle booth? A 50-50, i.e., something where you can speak to her, ask her to buy a raffle ticket, etc....
  5. ....Including the following, if there are no other possibilities:

You: "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
Her [whatever]
You. Thank you. That's a lovely watch.

--and there you are. I'm sorry, my friend, the rest you will need to ad lib.

Stop with the self-deprecation...Instead, to quote the first line ever said on MV, "let's get to it." Good luck!


#3

What do you mean by "no longer has much of a crush on her at all"?


#4

A guy sends this girl an e-mail to at least find out if the obsessive crush was warranted. A guy notes that he cannot lose by doing this, but only gain.


#5

[quote="Epistemes, post:1, topic:181662"]
What does a guy do when he discovers that a certain young lady who he often sees at Mass and for whom he developed something of an obsessive crush, even though he could never seem to bring himself to even say "hello" to her because of his low self-esteem, shyness, or general awkwardness, though now, while receiving counselling for self-esteem issues, no longer has much of a crush on her at all, finds that she's created a profile on catholicmatch.com?

[/quote]

I'd still go for it, but that's because I am crazy and I do crazy things like that.


#6

Maybe instead of harboring an ‘obsessive crush’ he could use the opportunity to develop a wholesome relationship with her if that suits both?
Obsessive crushes aren’t necessarily realistic and not particularly healthy, so now perhaps he can approach her as an equal human person who could turn out to be what he’s seeking after all!!!


#7

The worst thing to happen when asking someone on a date is that the person being asked could say no in which case, that person probably wasn't someone you would want to be around anyways. As for obsessive crushes, well once you talk to the person you may find you may not have as much in common as you thought, there's more to a lasting relationship than what's on the outside, looks fade over time. How exactly would you describe an obsessive crush anywas? God bless!!!


#8

[quote="Epistemes, post:1, topic:181662"]
What does a guy do when he discovers that a certain young lady who he often sees at Mass and for whom he developed something of an obsessive crush, even though he could never seem to bring himself to even say "hello" to her because of his low self-esteem, shyness, or general awkwardness, though now, while receiving counselling for self-esteem issues, no longer has much of a crush on her at all, finds that she's created a profile on catholicmatch.com?

[/quote]

The guy postpones the decision (but without simply stalling) until he's more ready to decide which was a passing thing and which was not, which is basically when hormones aren't raging and the shyness or getting out of shyness thing is under control.

In my experience, this generally means taking a walk or playing a computer game or whatever such before replying to a message in lighter cases or putting things off until tomorrow or later in heavier cases (which do still happen to me).

You don't want to force yourself to pursue her just because you used to be more strongly attracted to her. And you don't want to skip her just because you felt different for a day.

If you were to decide to pursue her, I would suggest approaching her in real life and not via Catholic Match anyway, although you could use that as a conversation stimulus, from something simple and silly like, "hi, I've noticed you have a profile on Catholic Match--does that mean you'd be open to a coffee with a nice guy?" to more elaborate... waitasec, forget more elaborate. :p


#9

Couldn’t have said it better myself! From the perspective of someone who has been married 27 years, the “obsessive crush” doesn’t last, but what remains is of infinitely more value.


#10

Wow, that was a very long sentence :)

If you don't have feelings for her, don't send her a message on Catholic Match. If it somehow bothers you that she's on there, hide her profile so that she won't come up when you search.

If you want to give things a try, send her an email or emotigram. You have a 50/50 chance of the girl writing back. Since you say that you have a history of an "obsessive crush", keep it simple and just say "hi" or send a short message. (I honestly get creeped out by guys that send long emails right away on online dating sites.) If it doesn't work out, keep trying! The right person is out there for you.

Good luck!


#11

My advice leans a bit towards the negative. In my experience, the obsessive crush is merely an obsessive crush - nothing more, nothing less. It’s just a whim and a fancy.

Half of the low self-esteem and shyness results from THINKING you’re shy and awkward. Don’t overthink so much; just try stuff. No expectations, no disappointments. Having said that, though, “no expectations” means “don’t expect anything from her.” In other words, if you follow my formula, you won’t have feelings for her anyway. Then you’re just following a pointless pursuit, right? What a strange contradiction!

In my opinion, I don’t think you should start off with Catholic match. If she knows your face already, that may be a bit awkward. But if she doesn’t know you but discovers later that you’re at Mass, that COULD be awkward as well. It all depends on her mentality, but how could you know that ahead of time?

THEN AGAIN…maybe she’s on Catholic match for a reason. You could give it a shot. I think the decision is a toss-up. You can’t lost either way.

Hm…I guess my opinion is neither positive nor negative. Just food for thought. I hope this helps!


#12

As a girl, I would tell you ask her out. I mean your not going to know if this girl is the right girl for you if you don't get to know her. If you see a girl who interests you and you know they are single, why not ask her out for a cup of coffee? Go out a few times, get to see what she's about, and then you can pray about it and see if you want to pursue it any further. I mean it never hurts to give someone a chance...Its way better to ask her out for a cup of coffee than obsess about her. Than you are at least not building her up in your mind...

As a female I can say that I've grown to appreciate the guys who are honest about their intentions than guys who for example play the friendship card. It takes guts to be honest about your intentions with a female.

My suggestion would be to actually maybe contact her on Catholic Match and say that she actually looks familiar and does she go to such and such Church? Or you can talk to her after mass.


#13

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