[quote=Jay74]As someone said before, that is a loaded question, and we can’t give an answer without knowing why respect was lost. Has respect been lost because he is a bum, an alcholic, an adulterer, etc.? Or was respect lost because his wife dismisses his opinions, needs and feelings; finds fault in everything he does; nags, demands and complains constantly; buys into the “husbands are stupid” motiffs so popular in our culture, especially in the world of television; etc.?
I’m not blaming you or him either one, I’m merely pointing out that only you can determine that at this point. I’m hoping that you’ve lost respect because of your attitude and not his actions–not to blame the wife instead of the man, but simply because that is much easier to fix. If he did something crazy like an affair, then its tough.
If you are like many a women I know of, you may treat him disrespectfully, and say it is because he is cold and unloving. Perhaps if you treated him more respectfully, he would be more loving. I remember a caller to Dr. Laura, where the wife wanted more flowers and romance, and the response was basically “you’d probably have a better shot at romance if you wouldn’t have just told hubby he’s stupid.” This should be easy for both men and women to understand. Let’s say, hypothetically, a husband was upset because his wife rejected him in bed, and the wife’s response was “I may have more interest if you wouldn’t have just told me I’m unattractive.”
Men and women think differently–men want respect, and women want love. When one need is cut off, the other tends to follow. Disrespect a husband, and he’ll have trouble showing love. Treat a wife in an unloving manner, and she’ll have trouble showing respect.
I ramble. lol. But another thing I think is troubling marriage is that somewhere we have got the silly notion in our heads that “love should be unconditional” but “respect should be earned.” Imagine walking down the street and you say “how are you?” to someone as they pass by, and they respond by saying “that’s none of your business, shut your mouth and go away.” You say “why are you so disrespectful” and their response is “respect is earned, and you haven’t earned my respect.” See my point? We must treat each other respectfully, even if we dont’ feel like it. And in marriage, that is a divine commandment by God. Just as loving each other is, even if we don’t feel like it.
I jumped around a bit, but I hope you understand. If he hasn’t done something horrible, then you must treat him with respect, even if you dont’ feel like it. If you don’t, you’re not only damaging your marriage and home, you’d cutting off a chance to be treated in a loving manner.
Thanks for that Jay74, and I totally agree with you. I never thought in a million years that I would not be able to repect my husband…but I don’t anymore…I even find it difficult to be nice. My husband has had multiple affairs since we’ve been married, while I’ve been pregnant, etc. I strongly believe he was having them before we married, while having these affairs he’s treated my cruely and coldly. The only way he contributes to this family is financially, my son gets very little attention from his dad and I know the one on the way will get even less. He spends our money on his girlfriends, drinking and casinos; he also expects me to open the doors of my home to his friends that support and help him in his adultry! To be honest it’s been only by the grace of God that I haven’t gone ballistic on him!!! I pray everyday that He make me a better person so that I can at least be civil to my husband. I may not have been the perfect wife, but there was no doubt that I respected him and my marriage…after being married only two years I was learning to be a wife since I was a career woman before I married, I just felt something was going on from the very beginning but no way to prove it…now I have. I don’t respect him, he’s a liar, a drunk, an adulterer and a gambler, he has no concience and doesn’t care how his actions affect others as long as he’s doing and getting what he wants.