What I can do/ can't do with my husband - sex

Dear all,

Little personal question, I understand everything about sex and the openness of life.

But what I’m unsure about is, if you want to make sex more exciting?

Does the catholic church allow you to use blindfolds, tied to a bed etc (nothing graphic or dangerous), as long as you both consent and are open to life? or would it seem like you are becoming more of an ‘object’ and against what God wants for your sex life?

Not sure if it’s a sin or not?


You don’t need some odd practice to reignite your sex life–you need a period of abstinance. Yes, I mean refrain from sex for say 2 weeks/month and then see how bored you are doing things the “old” way. Just as hunger makes food taste better, abstinance makes sex more exciting, as well. Of course, this has to be an agreement between spouses, but it works quite well in most cases. In our culture we are sex mad–truly we are. If we aren’t having it on a “regular” basis we think something is wrong, but the reality is we get bored–just like overdoing any other activity. Try eating nothing but cake for a week and see if you still want it on the 8th day. When we overindulge or take something for granted it becomes boring. Explore new ways to love one another by doing little things for each other, complimenting each other, just plain being polite with one another. Spouses need to see each other as persons not as objects to satisfy sexual urges. Court each other for a couple of weeks and then have sex. You’ll enjoy it as much if not more than your first time. :wink:

it’s not that we’re bored, it was just a question whether it’s a sin or not.

Had a priest once say something that as long as the two of you are married, in love and open to the possibility of children, anything goes. Again, this is one of those questions where you will get a million opinions.

I assume you love your husband so just give yourself open to all things to him…so long as it remains both he and yourself in the conjugal act. Peace.

Is there any Church document that one could look to on guidance in this area? It seems Humana Vitate may not be adequate. Anything in JPII’s theology of the body? The statement that “anything goes” is too vague.

Just giving pleasure seems immoral if the marriage embrace and furthermore the procreative aspect is thwarted in some way.

Just pondering…

Anyways, to answer your question, it does not seem like a sin to me. However, is the unitive aspect of the marriage embrace actually being realized when we do not wish to look upon our spouse. At second glance, it does seem that it might be problematic even if both spouses were to agree.

Yes, a very good point. Kindness and love are best.

Blindfolds sure, tied down? maybe. Remember that sex is a co creative action with God. So as long as it is procreative and unitive go ahead. It however cannot be degrading to either partner, even if they do not know it is degrading.

Spicing it up is definitely ok. But make sure it is a Holy action.:wink: Other than that I think you are over analyzing things a tad.

I would be careful with this. If a couple is trying to rekindle something or explore, abstaining for the sake of making you miss it could be bad advice. In preinciple it might sound good but sometimes unitive and procreative love is needed not needed to be cut back on.

The Church doesn’t have a direct list of do’s and don’ts in marriage but Catechism 2349 requires that we practice ‘conjugal chastity’ which debunks the statement ‘anything goes’ in marriage.

My sense is that because the marriage bond between couples is so precious and sacred that it should be guarded and treated like something very holy. I tend to recoil at the idea of blindfolds and tying up as simulations of rape or domination, as not in keeping with the holy nature of the marriage bond. A lot of times the idea of ‘consent’ is promoted as the measure of an acts moral nature, which I find a very strange yardstick in striving for a holy life.

Which is one of the gemstones of Natural Family Planning which adds to the health of a couples conjugal bond!

Well, if having sex the usual way isn’t enough, I’d say it’s a sign of boredom. :slight_smile: Desire is more important than any mere technique. It’s like wanting some exotic food because meat and potatoes no longer appeal. Our culture has so much sensory information coming at us all the time that it becomes harder and harder for the ordinary to be appreciated for what it is–miraculous in and of itself. It’s the same with sex. You don’t need to resort to certain practices if you are always courting each other and have a deep appreciation for what the other has to give.

Best response so far. Whatever you and your husband wish to include is fine as it is nobody (but God’s) business!

Can you please elaborate a little further why you believe it is the best response so far? By your logic, contraception is fine, too, because it’s “nobody (but God’s) business.”


As stated in the post above, “Had a priest once say something that as long as the two of you are married, in love and open to the possibility of children, anything goes.”

Nothing more needs to be said. In a respectful, loving marriage, whatever the husband and wife want to do in the bedroom is their business. As long as they are open to children, that is all that matters.

I will agree to disagree with you on this point. :slight_smile: The only thing I wish to add is that just because a single priest says something, he does not necessarily speak for the whole of the Church Universal. I’m not a moral theologian either. Maybe you are right, but I’m not convinced.

Just my 2 cents.

Hi mary;

It’s my personal belief that it would be wrong. It sounds strange to me, besides which. How can being blindfolded and tied to a bed make it “exciting”? Isn’t sex, the natural way, enough? I think this game-playing all comes from pornography. Sex was never intended to be this way. It was supposed to involve two fleshly bodies, a man and a woman, as with Adam and Eve, and no other objects involved. It’s concentrating more on the object rather than the natural love and pleasure. It’s not natural, in my opinion. I think it’s very wrong and perverted and completely goes against what is normal and natural.

As a last thought, the concept of blindfolds and being tied down makes me think of rape and being forced on.

I don’t believe a blindfold and restraints to be a sin within a loving marriage depending on how they are used.

Being blindfolded heightens your other senses making you hyper aware of your spouse. If sex is supposed to be unitive I think being hyper aware of your spouse is a pretty unitive thing.

Being restrained both frees you from feeling you have to do something, thus allowing you to totally relax, and is very submissive which is related to trust. So, your spouse is lovingly allowing you to completely relax and just enjoy sensation and you are showing submission and great trust. Again, I think this is unitive.

Now, using such items without the underlying awareness of each other and trust? That would be borderline sinful if not outright sinful.

That’s an interesting idea. Is being degrading objective or subjective?

If you think it’s degrading, is it degrading for other people, too?

I think if you and your husband are both comfortable with a course of action and both agree (no one coerced, etc) then I think the specifics of what go on in the marital bed are between the couple and God. People here can only offer their varied opinions, but God never intended for these outside people to have a say in what happens in your bedroom. If you are truly conflicted, seek the council of a Priest or (one) trusted Catholic married couple. Best of luck.

The thing of it is, by using some of the more exotic methods for arousal, we make each other into sex objects instead of lovers. Lovers wish to explore the depths of the other in order to give more to the other. Is that the goal of sex toys or blindfolds? No, it isn’t. The object of those things is merely to be aroused. Arousal is a secondary effect of love making, not the object. The object is to give all of oneself to one’s spouse. That is the difference–an important one for all spouses, Christian or otherwise, to understand and to practice.

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