What if a husband is real controlling?


#1

Let’s say that the husband doesn’t let his wife talk to other men. And he won’t change his attitude what shall the wife do?


#2

How serious, like she can’t talk to even the cashier at the grocery store? Or he doesn’t want her to talk to a very specific person because that person is dangerous (like an abusive ex-boyfriend)?


#3

A wife any wife is not ‘controlled’ nor should she be if her husband is forcing her to do or not do something she desires that is not right and nowhere does it say that a wife is expected to conform to everything her husband requests examples would be using contraception etc - and if a request is unreasonable such as never to talk to a man this request need not be followed if my understanding is correct.

A marriage should be based on love, honesty and RESPECT.

A man who expected his wife to never talk to another man would be wrong if he expects her not to flirt etc that is a different request and I believe that the wife should follow that request as respect is mutual but to not talk to any man be it a shop-keeper, friends partner etc that would be wrong.


#4

“Let her talk to other men” . . . is he with her every minute of the day to be sure she doesn’t talk to men? —KCT


#5

Sounds more than a little nutty and unreasonable. Even if we take the shopkeepers out of the mix. I consider the husbands of my friends and my husband’s own friends as my friends, too and can’t imagine him ever expecting me not to talk to other men.


#6

I guess it depends on the situation? Perhaps they are in a dangerous area of town? Perhaps there is a serial killer on the loose in the immediate area? (I didn’t let my wife go to the store alone for almost 18 months - it was a local nightmare for a while). Although on its face it appears unreasonable, if the husband has a protective or security reason for it - I could understand it. In that sense it is not controlling - it is securing her safety by means he deems necessary.

They should certainly discuss it and define its terms. Perhaps she can only speak to other men if he is with her in a public place or other area, or perhaps there are places, like church, where it is safe enough to talk with others - men and women alike. It just depends on the situation - you can’t be too careful these days - some places can be pretty rough.


#7

Like for example, not allowed to make friends with other men at all. Even if they are good people. Like he’s this great person before they married and afterwards he changes.


#8

She has her own job. And her cell phone is in her husbands name.


#9

Sounds as if the couple in question needs to speak with a councilor, that there are some issues that need to be worked on.

Did the couple share friendships before marriage - for example, did they each have a shared “pool” of friends or did each come in from different groups of people. If they did not share friends before they started dating, did they introduce each other to one another’s friends during the dating process… for example “Honey, I want you to meet my dear friends Bud and Fran and Chris” and every one socializes together?

In my experience, men don’t change radically after marriage. They were the way they are, and either hid it completely or the future wife thought it was endearing/eccentric and he will “change for the better after we get married”.


#10

When you get married, friends often change to “couple” friends. I don’t think that it’s a good idea to remain very close friends with a man (as a woman) once married, especially if the husband is uneasy about this friendship (I would be uncomfortable if my husband was very close friends with another woman…i.e. going out to lunch, having long and exclusive conversations, etc). If the wife is spending time with a man who is not a friend of both (and in this case it sounds like just her friend, I can understand why the husband would not support this…although this situation still is a little vague to me…what does “make friends” entail? What is the importance of the cell phone being in the husbands name?


#11

No-one has any right to tell anyone whom they can and cannot speak with even if it is psycho ex or a maliscious killer if a person any person chooses to speak to that person they have every right to you may request that your wife does not just as she may request you do not speak with a person whom she dissapproves but you cannot force someone not to!

Even women have rights - we can go out when we choose with whom we choose it is good for a couple to have respect for each other and stay away from ex partners who are no longer part of the ‘family’ network but we have the right to say NO and a husband should respect his wifes decision not to abide by every rule he imposes!!!

My hubby prefers me not to talk with a woman who was a meddleer and gossip and as such i no longer have a friendship with her, I prefer my hubby not to hang round with a friend from his childhood who is a drug addict and he abides by this BUT it is choice and I do not force him and nor does he force me!


#12

Long before I became friends with her, she wanted to divorce her husband. I’ve come down to the conclusion that perhaps it’s best that I don’t call her anymore.


#13

This is so sad. :frowning: I was involved in a very unhealthy relationship back in high school, where the guy wanted to control what I wore, who I spoke to, how I did my hair, which after school activities I participated in, etc. From what I’ve learned in studying domestic violence, the scenario you describe is not uncommon among DV perpetrators and their victims.

If you don’t know for sure if she’s being mistreated, give her the national info for DV, anyway:

ndvh.org/

There’s a national hotline on that website, too. God bless you, Bones!


#14

If the marriage is rocky, I can understand why her husband would be concerned about her male friends…and to share this type of personal information with another man would seem like an unwise choice when you are involved in a relationship based on trust…but that’s just my :twocents:

God bless


#15

If you can be friends with both of them, then that would be a way to go. I have men friends - they are all friends of my husband as well. While I may go to lunch or a movie with them, DH is always invited to go too!

Pray for her, and her marriage.


#16

Years ago after my hubby and I were married for four years, I got to be friends with a guy I worked with. My husband met him and told me that the friendship had to end immediately. He did not like the way the man acted around me and looked at me. I did end the contact but resented my husband’s controlling behavior for a long time. However, later I found out this man was a user and broke up several marriages with his adultery. And his poor wife keeps coming back to him. My husband sensed something evil and I am so glad that he stepped in. Sometimes we ladies can be blind to men’s attentions.


#17

Thing of it is, they tried reasoning it out. But with the husband it went in one ear and out the other one. He just refuses to change. He told her like how long she should have her hair stuff like that. At first he had no problem w/ her having guy friends but then after they got married it changed.


#18

I see.


#19

As a married woman from personal experience it is EXERMLY dangerous for a woman to have close male friends especially if the marriage is rocky. I have a rule for myself that I don’t ever share personal or relational information with my male aquantiances. Ever … end of story.

There are obviously issues in the marriage and they both need to go to a counselor.


#20

The only thing a man should have control over is the remote…when he’s home alone.

Kathy


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.