What if my wife has painful intercourse, but wants to do something else?


#1

My wife had a total hysterectomy, about 3 years ago, and says that intercourse is so painful. I am very understanding, but I still find her attractive and try to iniate intercourse once in a while. She has stated that she would rather give me oral sex, instead of intercourse due to the pain it causes her. She states she is doing it out of love for me, but I tell her it is against the Church's teaching. I am I right or under these conditions is she allowed. She feels that she is not keeping up her part of the marriage. I love her and would like to make love to her, except the pain it causes her. Any other ideas?


#2

Ask a priest. I have a feeling many posters will tell you it is wrong while I am fairly certain your parish priest would both know better and tell you it is fine.


#3

[quote="dagwood64, post:1, topic:193643"]
My wife had a total hysterectomy, about 3 years ago, and says that intercourse is so painful. I am very understanding, but I still find her attractive and try to iniate intercourse once in a while. She has stated that she would rather give me oral sex, instead of intercourse due to the pain it causes her. She states she is doing it out of love for me, but I tell her it is against the Church's teaching. I am I right or under these conditions is she allowed. She feels that she is not keeping up her part of the marriage. I love her and would like to make love to her, except the pain it causes her. Any other ideas?

[/quote]

Oral sex is only permitted as a precursor to intercourse. Encourage her to see her doctor. She shouldn't be having any pain.


#4

I would seek the advice of a priest. This is a situation that needs to be examined by a man of the cloth.


#5

I believe you know what the answer is theologically.

Perhaps you need to pursue medically how you guys can make this work.


#6

[quote="hellopeople, post:2, topic:193643"]
Ask a priest. I have a feeling many posters will tell you it is wrong while I am fairly certain your parish priest would both know better and tell you it is fine.

[/quote]

Priests do not hand out "commit grave sin free" cards.

Your wife should seek medical treatment.


#7

I am with the "see a doctor" camp on this one. For women, painful intercourse can be a sign of a number of infections or complications. If it can't be treated, this might also be a situation in which a topical anesthetic like lidocaine jelly is appropriate. As others have said, theologically, you know what the answer is. There might be other routes for solving this problem, however.


#8

I agree that she needs to see her OBGYN. This is not normal after a total hysterectomy. My prayers are with you both.


#9

one can not engage in such behavior…

see twotlj.org/G-2-9-E.html

read

section 2 e

e) Spouses should not engage in complete, nonmarital sexual acts.

Yes see a doctor…call the Pope Paul VI institute…they can perhaps advise you what can be done medically even though you are unable to have children…

popepaulvi.com/home.html


#10

[quote="dagwood64, post:1, topic:193643"]
My wife had a total hysterectomy, about 3 years ago, and says that intercourse is so painful. I am very understanding, but I still find her attractive and try to iniate intercourse once in a while. She has stated that she would rather give me oral sex, instead of intercourse due to the pain it causes her. She states she is doing it out of love for me, but I tell her it is against the Church's teaching. I am I right or under these conditions is she allowed. She feels that she is not keeping up her part of the marriage. I love her and would like to make love to her, except the pain it causes her. Any other ideas?

[/quote]

SEE A DOCTOR ASAP.

That is the only viable solution.

Even post-hysterectomy, a woman can enjoy spousal relations if her health is good.
Might she need hormones, creams, etc.? Maybe. Who knows. I'm not a doctor.

Yet I am a Catholic woman and I have to wonder why your wife is concerned about your physical-intimacy needs and you mention no concerns about hers. In no way should her condition be ignored and yes, usually it's very easily treatable. It is a couple-issue not a wife issue. Bless you for asking here. Call the doctor.


#11

See a physician concerning the pain.

The Magisterium definitively teaches that each and every sexual act must be marital and unitive and procreative. Any sexual act which lacks the marital or unitive or procreative meaning is intrinsically evil and always gravely immoral. Such unnatural sexual acts are non-unitive and non-procreative, and therefore are never justified, not by any intention and not by any circumstance. The use of such acts as foreplay, or in circumstances where natural intercourse is not possible or is difficult, is not justified because these acts are inherently contrary to the moral law.

Whoever says otherwise is contradicting the teaching of the Magisterium on the marital, unitive, and procreative meaning of sexual acts.


#12

[quote="hellopeople, post:2, topic:193643"]
Ask a priest. I have a feeling many posters will tell you it is wrong while I am fairly certain your parish priest would both know better and tell you it is fine.

[/quote]

I'm sure you'll find a priest somewhere that says this is okay. You can probably also find a scientist who says the earth is flat, but that doesn't make it right...

The Magisterium leaves absolutely no doubt that the proposed behavior would be a grave sin.


#13

[quote="camerong, post:12, topic:193643"]
I'm sure you'll find a priest somewhere that says this is okay. You can probably also find a scientist who says the earth is flat, but that doesn't make it right...

The Magisterium leaves absolutely no doubt that the proposed behavior would be a grave sin.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:


#14

[quote="catharina, post:10, topic:193643"]
SEE A DOCTOR ASAP.

That is the only viable solution.

Even post-hysterectomy, a woman can enjoy spousal relations if her health is good.
Might she need hormones, creams, etc.? Maybe. Who knows. I'm not a doctor.

Yet I am a Catholic woman and I have to wonder why your wife is concerned about your physical-intimacy needs and you mention no concerns about hers. In no way should her condition be ignored and yes, usually it's very easily treatable. It is a couple-issue not a wife issue. Bless you for asking here. Call the doctor.

[/quote]

Thank you all for your concerns and prayers.
First, I am very much concerned for her pleasure, that is always my concern before mine.
Second, she has seen her OBGYN and he finds nothing wrong or explainable for her pain.
Third, I pray for her condition, but I can't seem to get her to pray with me about it.
This morning, during prayers, I was answered with praying the 54 Day Novena Rosary with my wife. I told her and she was most reluctant. Please pray for us, that she prays it with me.

Thanks and God Bless you all.


#15

Your wife is in desperate need of a new and better doctor.
You need to know that and do something about finding one.


#16

You are certainly in our prayers. I know this is difficult, but try to keep in mind that in suffering, we are made holier. In light of eternity, you will look back and feel blessed for this cross you bear, assuming you let it draw you closer to Christ. That said, I agree with the others about getting a second or third opinion!

God bless.


#17

[quote="dagwood64, post:14, topic:193643"]
Thank you all for your concerns and prayers.
First, I am very much concerned for her pleasure, that is always my concern before mine.
Second, she has seen her OBGYN and he finds nothing wrong or explainable for her pain.
Third, I pray for her condition, but I can't seem to get her to pray with me about it.
This morning, during prayers, I was answered with praying the 54 Day Novena Rosary with my wife. I told her and she was most reluctant. Please pray for us, that she prays it with me.

Thanks and God Bless you all.

[/quote]

Please ask friends to recommend a really good OBGYN. I went with a painful condition to a Dr. one time who said that there was nothing wrong and so I went to my OBGYN. She had been practicing for 25 years. She knew immediately that I had a serious but treatable condition. Please keep trying to find the answer.


#18

[quote="dagwood64, post:14, topic:193643"]

Second, she has seen her OBGYN and he finds nothing wrong or explainable for her pain.

[/quote]

Is it possible that her pain is caused by tension/tightness? I know, it's weird to talk about. :blush: But that kind of thing can cause pain. Maybe lubricant would help, or a glass of wine for your wife?

Just throwing some ideas out there...:blush:


#19

Pain is a sign that something is wrong. She should not have to live with discomfort and the lack of intimacy. Find a good doctor who will take the time to explore things with her. Also, there is a condition known as vaginismis (sp?) where women have extreme pain and sensitivity before or during intercourse - there is no known physical cause and it is widely believed to be a psychological issue that brings on physical issues. It is common in women who have underlying fears of insecurities regarding sex. Something emotionally trying like a hysto could make her have a fear or sex or a feeling like she is no longer a "woman." Prayers for you and your wife.


#20

Wise of you to mention vaginismus.
Last thing wife should have as concern is her husband’s pleasure.
Such an issue is totally counter-productive to her recovery.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.