You’ve already taken a “leap of faith,” you have admitted your problem on a forum for all to read. You even came to a Catholic forum. What called you here? Could God already be working in your life and you haven’t noticed? Open your eyes dear.
God brings trials to believers to test their faith and trials to those who don’t believe to bring them to the faith. Do not get me wrong, I do not wish hardships on anyone but they happen. Why? I think it’s how you persevere that counts, that’s what God wants to see. He wants you to succeed. Pray to him and he will.
You’re upbringing screams at you to resist. “God doesn’t exist. If you believe that you will be deemed crazy.” You are not crazy. Quiet the doubtful voices and listen to the ones that say “I am here.” You are not crazy! You are a wonderful person that has alot to offer.
When you are ready to go church keep this in mind. First go to listen. I was told to listen to God talk to me. Listen for the things that pop out in the readings and the homily. I think you are welcome to go up in the communion line and ask for a blessing instead. I’m not sure how to do this but someone one on the forum could tell you. Of course I may be wrong on this. I hope that helps.
If you chose to find a priest set up an appointment. To find one you can either go to a bunch of different parishes, go to your local one or ask around. Just find one you can trust with yourself.
Tru is very right that we need to pray for you. I have and as I sat in church today listening about persevering through trials I thought of you. I prayed for you in our intersessions for those who have addictions. Know that you are in our prayers.