I can’t figure out what my vocation is. While I was a teenager, I attended a church retreat at my church (Catholic Church) and the preacher in charge of the retreat was so good that I decided that I wanted to be a preacher too (but I never read the bible! ). I played the guitar in a church choir and at one point, I was playing at four masses on Sundays. I felt good but I never knew anything about my faith or what happened during mass. I then graduated from high school and went to the military. While in the military I left my faith and even blamed God for every little thing that happened to me.
I’m 34 years old and recently I realized all that God has done for me and I started going back to church and reading the bible. I have now read the bible several times and have also read several Catholic commentaries (books) on the bible. I just ordered the Navarre Bible (Pentateuch) and plan on reading the whole series on the Old Testament and New Testament. I also regularly attend Hoy mass on Sundays and go to confession at least once every 3 months (for 2 years now).
The more I read the bible, the more I want to read it and learn and I have even thought about earning a Theology degree. I believe in God, I know all what HE has done for me, BUT… for some reason, I can’t feel His presence in me. Maybe I’m trying to hard??? Maybe I’m reading too much and listening to bible commentaries on my iPhone??? When I wake up I pray and when I go to bed I pray, but I still don’t feel Him in me. I’ve even started praying the Rosary every now and then, and I don’t feel nothing. I listen to some conversion stories from friends and I feel envy because I want to feel the same and nothing. What’s wrong with me???
Sometimes while reading the bible, I even question it. Was Matthew really saying the truth about the fulfillment of the Old Testament in the New Testament or was he only making his story fit the Old Testament? I feel that now that I’m reading the Bible, instead of getting closer to God, I’m getting away from him. I feel that I’m getting worse at being a husband, father, son, brother, friend, now that I’m reading the bible. How can I increase my faith and be a better person? Please pray for me.