What is the married life like?


#1

Thread title.

I was just wondering because a good number of people here make it sound like hell. I have never been married (obviously not) and have not witnessed a married couple up close (2 parents in the same household).


#2

Being married is actually very nice, and lots of fun, most of the time. :)

Every once in a while the other person might do something that makes you a bit crazy, and then I guess people get on the internet and vent about it for a while. But for the most part, being married is great.

It is important to marry well, though - make sure when you are choosing your dates, that you choose people that you get along with in most respects. They do say that "opposites attract" but the only thing that really needs to be "opposite" in your marriage, is that you are of the opposite sex. Everything else should be as close as possible to the same - religion, finances, attitudes toward kids, housekeeping, the kinds of food that you like, TV shows, music, cultural expectations, etc.


#3

If you approach marriage properly, it is wonderful. It's not always perfect; spouses are human beings and will argue and fight (non-violently!) with one another now and then...but that's life. Marriage, handled properly, rises as an institution above those immediate difficulties.

My wife and I have been married close to six years now, and she has been a true blessing (and hopefully I've been one to her as well). I wouldn't trade our marriage for anything. We complement each other and compensate for each others' weaknesses. We are both better together than either of us would be separately.

In my experience, people who complain (much) about marriage haven't approached it properly, or are victims of a spouse who doesn't approach it properly. People today seem to think marriage is all about love and sexual gratification, and nothing more, and as soon as they wake up one morning and don't get one or both of those things they start talking divorce. There's so much more to it than that! If those are the only things you expect going into marriage, you will not be satisfied (nor will your spouse).

If, however, you approach marriage as the sacramental union of man and woman, two becoming one (physically, mentally, financially, etc.), ordered toward mutual commitment and the raising of a family...and if your spouse does too (this is important!)...then it is truly wonderful and leads to incredible happiness, most of the time ;). If the two spouses both go into it with that mindset, and stick to it, and share strong faith faith and mutual dedication to the marriage, then it's a really great thing to be a part of.

This is the most important thing to determine when dating (in my opinion): does the person you're dating intend to approach marriage the same way you do? Almost any difference or difficulty between a couple can be worked-through if the two have a complete, sacramental dedication to making the marriage work.

God bless you.


#4

Married 31 years to my high school sweetie. We have two grown daughters.

We love being married. Just last night, after Mass, we went out, and I told my husband, “Isn’t it crazy that after all these years, we still look forward to being together?”

I agree with jmcrae who advised marrying well and marrying someone with whom you are compatible. Back when we were dating, people used to think that my husband (then boyfriend) was my brother.

I think it’s important to marry someone of equal intellect. Even if that intellect manifests itself differently (with my husband, it’s technical acumen and computer savvy, while with me it’s creativity and organizational skills), the couple has to be on the same wavelenth brainwise so that they can keep each other excited and interested in each other. I think that’s where a lot of couples go wrong–they marry someone who is not their equal, and then they have trouble carrying on a simple conversation after the wedding and honeymoon are over. Some couples actually grow to despise each other; the intellectual will look down on the simpler soul, and the simpler soul will resent the intellectual.

Unlike some of the people on CAF, I think that sex is extremely important to a marriage, and my husband and I are diligent to maintain this part of our marriage and do it well and often. We are both chubby, but one thing that makes me unique is that I have a good body image–I love my body and even at my heaviest (267 pounds), considered myself the most beautiful woman on earth! We don’t get fussy about our human physical flaws. We just do what God said to do and give ourselves to each other. Sex is all about giving, but there’s also an aspect in which it must be enjoyed by both spouses, not enjoyed by one and endured by the other.

I think that shared faith is extremely important. Although there are marriages where people with different religions (Catholic and Protestant, etc.) get along fine, I still think they are missing a huge part of shared life together. We believe people should only date those with whom they share a common faith.

Finally, I think that shared interests are very important to a smooth and conflict-free marriage, but I also think it’s important for both spouses to be able to develop their own individual interests and talents and to encourage each other to continually grow and improve.

Yes, we fight and have conflicts, but they don’t last. We get over them quickly. Some people tend to stew and hold grudges–this is deadly to a marriage or any relationship, and it rots individuals as well. We need to be quick to forgive and FORGET.

Both of our children say that they hope their marriages and families are like ours. That, to me, is the best compliment we could ever get.


#5

I think married life is wonderful, although it's definitely something you need to work at. No matter how close you are to your spouse in various aspects, you'll always have your differences, and you're bound to have disagreements, arguments, etc. The important thing is to remember not only that you love your spouse, but what it is you love about them.

I've seen a lot of people go into marriage expecting it to be unconditional bliss, only to find that that's not the case. I've also seen a lot of people give up on their marriages because things didn't come as easily as they expected. My wife and I had a lot of problems early in our marriage because she bought her parents' line that married couples should never fight or have disagreements. We had tons of huge, vocal disagreements early on, and she was devastated because that wasn't the vision she'd had for a marriage (I should note that the idyllic vision she expected in no way reflected the reality of her parents' marriage). It took a few years but once we came to an understanding that we wouldn't always see eye to eye, and that there was nothing wrong with that as long she eventually came around to my way of seeing things (haha), things improved greatly.

We take a lot of things in stride now and focus on our love for each other and our children. This helps keep everything else in perspective and makes our lives a lot happier. We still have disagreements and arguments from time to time, but at the end of the day nothing makes us happier than the fact that we're together.


#6

[quote="Cat, post:4, topic:228993"]
Married 31 years to my high school sweetie. We have two grown daughters.

We love being married. Just last night, after Mass, we went out, and I told my husband, "Isn't it crazy that after all these years, we still look forward to being together?"

I agree with jmcrae who advised marrying well and marrying someone with whom you are compatible. Back when we were dating, people used to think that my husband (then boyfriend) was my brother.

I think it's important to marry someone of equal intellect. Even if that intellect manifests itself differently (with my husband, it's technical acumen and computer savvy, while with me it's creativity and organizational skills), the couple has to be on the same wavelenth brainwise so that they can keep each other excited and interested in each other. I think that's where a lot of couples go wrong--they marry someone who is not their equal, and then they have trouble carrying on a simple conversation after the wedding and honeymoon are over. Some couples actually grow to despise each other; the intellectual will look down on the simpler soul, and the simpler soul will resent the intellectual.

Unlike some of the people on CAF, I think that sex is extremely important to a marriage, and my husband and I are diligent to maintain this part of our marriage and do it well and often. We are both chubby, but one thing that makes me unique is that I have a good body image--I love my body and even at my heaviest (267 pounds), considered myself the most beautiful woman on earth! We don't get fussy about our human physical flaws. We just do what God said to do and give ourselves to each other. Sex is all about giving, but there's also an aspect in which it must be enjoyed by both spouses, not enjoyed by one and endured by the other.

I think that shared faith is extremely important. .

[/quote]

Your post is great... especially the part that I underlined
:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:


#7

[quote="Daegus, post:1, topic:228993"]
Thread title.

I was just wondering because a good number of people here make it sound like hell. I have never been married (obviously not) and have not witnessed a married couple up close (2 parents in the same household).

[/quote]

I love being married. I have loved it since my husband and I got married. In our case, neither of us were practicing Catholics at the time so our worldviews meshed quite well. Before we had kids, we had a lot of fun together. And then we had our first son and I had a reversion experience that he did not, and it's been a division and a source of difficulties since then (although hidden). We still had fun together, as a family, though. Most of our 22 years of marriage have been very good.

The faith divide is not all of our relationship although at times, it seems like it. We have our struggles but having a partner in life is a huge blessing. I still respect and admire him more than anyone I've ever known. Having someone who has vowed to be there through thick and thin is a wonderful assurance in life.

I could go on for pages about how marriage has blessed me. You don't hear about that because I came to this forum for help with Catholic stuff that I can't share with my husband, so it might seem as though I am complaining. I just need help because of being unequally yoked And that is why I will always advise Catholics NOT to marry outside of the faith, no matter what. Even though I married a baptized Catholic, he may as well be an atheist for all it matters...in fact he is quite bitter and angry with the Church because of stuff that happened in his childhood. He's one of THOSE Catholics who can do tremendous damage to others' faith.

Other than that, having kids with my husband has been THE best thing that has ever happened in my life. I am still humbled and grateful that with God's grace we were granted these 2 wonderful people to help raise for a little while. What an amazing journey.

:thumbsup:


#8

Moments of truth will come when one needs to decide to choose true, deep love above all else. These are defining moments when one will choose to grow by "offering it up" for what's right, the spouse and kids, or choose to be selfish. The former is painful for a while, but this is the feeling of the selfishness leaving the body. It is cleansing. Once the layers of shallow amusements are peeled away, it Allows one to See and appreciate what is deep and real and true. There are more extreme sacrifices. No one asked me to work in a slum in Calcutta like Mother Teresa or to die on a cross. We are just asked to live His Way. Both man and woman need to want to live in the Way. It became much easier for me to do once I minimized my exposure to our culture's shallow amusements. They aren't deep or romantic for long. "Giving it up" has made all the difference, yet it can be scary and counterintuitive. What remains in the eyes of the others is beyond words.


#9

[quote="ManOnFire, post:8, topic:228993"]
Moments of truth will come when one needs to decide to choose true, deep love above all else. These are defining moments when one will choose to grow by "offering it up" for what's right, the spouse and kids, or choose to be selfish. The former is painful for a while, but this is the feeling of the selfishness leaving the body. It is cleansing. Once the layers of shallow amusements are peeled away, it Allows one to See and appreciate what is deep and real and true. There are more extreme sacrifices. No one asked me to work in a slum in Calcutta like Mother Teresa or to die on a cross. We are just asked to live His Way. Both man and woman need to want to live in the Way. It became much easier for me to do once I minimized my exposure to our culture's shallow amusements. They aren't deep or romantic for long. "Giving it up" has made all the difference, yet it can be scary and counterintuitive. What remains in the eyes of the others is beyond words.

[/quote]

Huh...? :confused:


#10

[quote="Daegus, post:9, topic:228993"]
Huh...? :confused:

[/quote]

Alright, maybe I'm getting way ahead of you. I couldn't see it either before marriage.


#11

[quote="ManOnFire, post:10, topic:228993"]
Alright, maybe I'm getting way ahead of you. I couldn't see it either before marriage.

[/quote]

I apologize, I just got lost when reading your post. Your post was just so deep that it flew over my head and I may have missed the point entirely.


#12

[quote="Daegus, post:11, topic:228993"]
I apologize, I just got lost when reading your post. Your post was just so deep that it flew over my head and I may have missed the point entirely.

[/quote]

No problem. My basic point is when one learns to love Christ's way more than our own, we can more easily sacrifice what we want in favor of others, i.e. spouse and kids. The child inside of us will always want our own way, but we must venture to grow beyond that. I just failed to see it sooner.


#13

Married life cannot simply be described the way you can describe a piece of toast. There are various layers and complexities to married life; I personally think it can be one of the most complicated, intense, and rewarding experiences of one's life.

Yes there are people who may make their marriages "sound like hell," and that could be because marriage life often has difficulties. As one other poster said, if you approach marriage properly and marry the RIGHT PERSON, it doesn't have to be that way. Then again, the "right person" is subject to change but one has to assess whether or not they can live with those changes.

Not to mention, no one is perfect...if we enter relationships with the expectation to attain perfection you will meet trouble no matter what.

I will be honest, I am glad that I am married because it actually sounds like dating is hell! Married life should not have games, playing with each other's emotions, leading each other on, etc.

Married life is busy, tiring, rewarding, joyful, emotional, hectic at times, comforting, sharing, and much, much more. Before I continue babbling, this is what I can offer:

youtube.com/watch?v=ODD6ht5zNFU&feature=related


#14

My first marriage was hell. We quickly fell out of “love” and fell into a routine. My husband was unromantic, unsupportive, boring, embarrassingly shy at parties, and not terribly attractive to me. We rarely engaged in the euphemistic “marital embrace.”

My second marriage is heaven. We fall in love more every day. My husband is loving, gentle, kind, my biggest cheerleader, treats me like a princess, and grows handsomer every time I look at him. Our “marital embracing” has increased tenfold, as evidenced by the baby we expect to welcome in 8 short months!

The funny thing is, I married, divorced, and remarried the SAME MAN. What turned my loathsome marriage into something beautiful was changing our attitudes and expectations. My thoughts on this are too much to write in one evening, but the point is there is nothing wrong with the institution of marriage, but there is something deeply flawed in how we approach marriage. We expect a certain fairytale and when that fairytale doesn’t come true, we are too blind to see that marriage can be even more beautiful than the fairytale we came looking for.

This year is either our 5th or 1st anniversary (depending on how you do the math) but either way, I am a happily married woman, and I am confident my husband is a happily married man.

Editing my post to add that I loved this quote from the movie Shall We Dance as well! :thumbsup:


#15

if you only listen to people whose marriage was made in hell that is the message you will get. If you did not have the benefit of growing up in a family headed by a happy marriage, you have no role model or experience to go by. The huge mistake is making your own decision on marriage based on your bad experience or lack of good experience. Even if your parents had the most dysfunctional marriage in the world that does not condemn you to the same mistakes, but is an occasion of grace for you to learn from them.

Read 1 Corinithians 13 that describes what married love (all relationships based on love) can and should be like. Learn to live like that, and your marriage can be that way, too.

If sin enters the marriage from its inception–premarital sex, cohabitation, contraception, suspicion and jealously, pornography or masturbation habit, infidelity–the chances for happiness and lasting marriage are slim to none.


#16

I wake up every morning next to my best friend and the greatest gift God can give a man. Marriage is not easy all the time but my wife makes me a better man (even against my will it seems!).

I hurt when we are apart and even sometimes when we are together. We laugh, we love our children together, we share things that most people would never know about us. It’s a relationship that is unlike any other experience in life.

We met when we were 15, only dated each other, attended college together and married after that. I couldn’t see myself sharing this life with anyone else…and then I met my kids! Just when I thought marriage couldn’t be anymore miraculous, God gave us children. He doesn’t just give, He gives abundantly.

One thing marriage has taught me is humility. I have grown to know my failing and my weakness as a man in the light of a saintly woman (as you’ve seen in our private messages). Her beauty, inside and out, changes me. As I said, she makes me a better man than I would be without her. A better man and a better Father, more receptive to love and more giving of it as well.

Thank God for my wife and I hope you will feel the same Joy in the love of one of God’s daughters at your side.


#17

[quote="Daegus, post:1, topic:228993"]
Thread title.

I was just wondering because a good number of people here make it sound like hell. I have never been married (obviously not) and have not witnessed a married couple up close (2 parents in the same household).

[/quote]

The married life is a world where the two people of the oposite sex share uncondicional love. In a married life, only comprehension, honesty, balance, help and where one is there for another must exist in order to maintain stability and balance.

A married life should involve God and should be based on his teachings. They should summon the Holy Spirit and assure that they are pure of heart. That is how a married life should be like.


#18

[quote="Augusta_Sans, post:14, topic:228993"]
My first marriage was hell. We quickly fell out of "love" and fell into a routine. My husband was unromantic, unsupportive, boring, embarrassingly shy at parties, and not terribly attractive to me. We rarely engaged in the euphemistic "marital embrace."

My second marriage is heaven. We fall in love more every day. My husband is loving, gentle, kind, my biggest cheerleader, treats me like a princess, and grows handsomer every time I look at him. Our "marital embracing" has increased tenfold, as evidenced by the baby we expect to welcome in 8 short months!

The funny thing is, I married, divorced, and remarried the SAME MAN. What turned my loathsome marriage into something beautiful was changing our attitudes and expectations. My thoughts on this are too much to write in one evening, but the point is there is nothing wrong with the institution of marriage, but there is something deeply flawed in how we approach marriage. We expect a certain fairytale and when that fairytale doesn't come true, we are too blind to see that marriage can be even more beautiful than the fairytale we came looking for.

This year is either our 5th or 1st anniversary (depending on how you do the math) but either way, I am a happily married woman, and I am confident my husband is a happily married man.

Editing my post to add that I loved this quote from the movie Shall We Dance as well! :thumbsup:

[/quote]

WOW, this sounds interesting. if you ever wanna share I'd personally be very very interested in hearing how that whole thing changed from hell to heaven .... :D Hope you'll start a thread with your testimony or write me a short PM .. if you have time

:thumbsup:


#19

[quote="Daegus, post:1, topic:228993"]
Thread title.

I was just wondering because a good number of people here make it sound like hell. I have never been married (obviously not) and have not witnessed a married couple up close (2 parents in the same household).

[/quote]

Married life is a great source of happiness in most instances. It is very fulfilling and very suited to our natures. Some people are not good candidates for marriage, though. It is *crucial *to pay attention to that before marriage. I think one of the sad things is that most people who marry do not know what a good candidate is. They may think they know, but they don't.

Also, even a healthy marriage can carry great trials, such as if your spouse loses their mental faculties through accident or illness.

If you yourself are a suitable candidate, and you find a match who is as well, it is worth it to marry. I think what married life is like will vary by the couple, though. Overall descriptors could be fulfilling, joyous, intimate, challenging, comforting, loving, fruitful, etc. I also think it is an excellent way to pursue holiness.

And no, I am not what people would call happily married, but the reasons in my case are clear, now that I have knowledge. Even so, there is much fulfillment. I stagger to think how happy we could be if those reasons were gone.


#20

Even though my husband and I have been through a very rough time in the last year, we are still very much in-love with eachother. We both come from abusive pasts and so we sometimes communicate in a dysfunctional way, especial during times of extreme stress and change (particularly the birth of our son last year).

When you come out of these rough times, on top and you can look at your spouse again with love and kindness, it makes you even stronger in your marriage.

I came on here a few times b/c my life was turned upsidedown and my marriage was in trouble. Well, now things are a lot better and we are falling in-love again. Our kids are also a lot happier in the process.

Many of us here come on CAF to vent about our marriages, but it's only a temporary situation.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.