What is the reason Catholics choose divorced?


#1

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

I thought about it before starting to write this thread because I notice that many catholics have problems with their marriage which finally they choose divorced. Don’t they realize that married life is vocation and their loves to each other mean they love God too? I don’t want any judgement only wonder and very sad about it…who knows with this thread, people can get something important to save their marriages

God bless
Wina


#2

Wina, I think for many Catholics divorce is not a ‘choice’…it’s something that happens to them, many women on here had husbands leave them for someone else…it wasn’t their choice and they couldn’t force their husband to come back…it’s unfortunately a sign of the times that couples who have problems see divorce as a way to solve their problems…be free again, but for many…it’s not a choice but a situation beyond their control!


#3

**Some people choose divorce because they see it as an easy way out. All marriages will go through tough times. Those tough times require commitment and hard work to see the couple through. If one or both spouses don’t want to put in the effort, they divorce.

And even if the couple wants to save their marriage often times pressure from friends and even family makes divorce seem like the better option.

And to add to Anna’s post above, i am sure many men have their wives leave them too…divorce is an equal opportunity destructive force…**


#4

I agree with Anna, it’s not always a choice but a force beyond them. Further, the Church allows divorce for good reasons, though not remarriage without having a marriage examined through the annulment process. Here’s a list of reasons that are logical:
[LIST]
*]Safety of one’s person or one’s children or both.
*]Chronic alcoholism, drug additiction, gambling additiction, sexual addiction on the part of one spouse, and all treatment and correction has been exhausted.
*]Not giving one spouse marital rights without cause (intercourse).
*]Homosexuality on the part of one spouse, to the point where one spouse prefers same-sex relationships over the marriage.
*]Flagrant, unrepentant, repeated immorality on the part of one spouse.[/LIST]In these instances, it is often better to divorce for the sake of one’s physical, emotional and spiritual sanity, and to obtain financial support for the children as well as secure their rights.

And sometimes, one spouse just gets a wild idea, and decides to divorce an innocent spouse.


#5

I’m unmarried, but for what it’s worth…

I think some people get divorced because it’s the only way out of a toxic situation. An abusive spouse, a spouse preventing them from practicing their religion, a chronically cheating spouse, a spouse unable to control their anger, alcohol use, or drug abuse in front of the children - all of those could be reasons for a Catholic to choose to divorce their spouse.

Some people get divorced because they have no choice - their spouse makes that decision for them, and try as one might, they can’t force another person to stay in a marriage. Some people are abandoned. Some people are cheated on and left brokenhearted by the cheating partner.

Some people divorce because they can’t handle the pressures of marriage. They don’t learn to deal with a spouse and children, they’re stressed out by the demands placed on them, they can’t manage their own life and that of their family. Sometimes it’s because their spouse is away too much, or not giving them the emotional support they need. Sometimes it’s because they didn’t realize that marriage wasn’t their real vocation. Sometimes it’s because they have health issues that interfere with their ability to manage family life.

Some people divorce because they’re immature or selfish. They run into problems and they’re not interested enough or committed enough or mature enough to try to work through them. They’ve been led to believe that marriage is all about the happily ever after, and they think that they’ve made a mistake and God must have some other better person out there for them that wouldn’t disagree with them the way their current spouse does.

Some people divorce for good reasons. Some people divorce for bad reasons. I don’t think many people enter marriage imagining that divorce could happen to them, but nonetheless, sometimes it does. I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done about it. Prayer, discernment, and marriage preparation are good ways to protect yourself against divorce, but still there’s no way to be sure. We can’t always be sure what God’s plans for us include.


#6

the reasons people Catholics included divorce are as many and varied as the individuals themselves. For serious Catholics who follow Church teaching on marriage, divorce usually follows a unilateral decision by one party to walk away from their commitment, so the other party has no choice, under current civil law, to protect themselves and their minor children except to divorce and enact the provisions about property, custody etc. under those laws. Sometimes the reason is even more grave, escape from an abusive situation.

Others who are less knowledgeable or committed about Catholic teaching divorce for any and all reasons. Namely IMO it comes down to a very false, selfish and fantasy idea about love and marriage that permeates our culture, that exists only at the emotional level and never goes deeper, so is never evaluated or cherished on a deeper level.

In conversation with people of my generation who are divorcing after children are grown, and in extensive reading on the topic, it seems that most couples never developed true intimacy beyond the physical expression, due IMO to premature sexual activity before marriage and artificial contraception which by its very nature acts to separate love and sex, with dire effects on the marriage and upon the individuals involved.


#7

Not everybody gets divorced for the sake of getting divorced.

I was married for 13 years and had 2 kids. My ex was 33 years old at that time and I was 32. He cheated on me with a 19 year old and got her pregnant. He divorced me I did not divorce him.

And I was not going to beg him to stay in a marriage that he did not want to be in. He made the choice to cheat on me and get a young girl pregnant. I was not going to force him to stay with me and be in a marriage that he did not want to be in.

You cannot force someone to be with you if they do not want to. I tried to make this marriage work. We went for Retrouvaille. He used to beat me up and emotionally abuse me and still I stayed in the marriage. He lied to me, deceived me, betrayed in 3 times before this relationship. And still I stayed in the marriage thinking that it was the right thing to do and also for the kids sake. And instead I was suffering. I had 5 breakdowns, landed up in hospital for depression 5 times, was on antidepressants for 10 years of my 13 year marriage. He left so many times and came back again begging for chances and I gave them to him. This last time when I found out that he was cheating and got this girl pregnant I tried to kill myself. I did not want to live anymore.

And now that he is gone 2 years now. I have not been on anti-depressants, I do not see the psychiatrist anymore, I go to church more than I used, I pray more than I used, I read the bible more than I used.

But most of all I have faith, hope and belief in God. I hated God before finding him again. I felt that he had forsaken me and left me in a hell hole to die. That why had I suffered so much over the years and why had God taken my husband away from me.

But everything happens for a reason. I am happy today, my kids are happy today. I never wanted to be divorced at 34 years old I thought that my marriage was forever but unfortunately History repeated itself. My father left my mother when I was 2 years old as he did not want to be a father to us. He wanted to be free and live the life of a single man.

Divorce is something that happens. He happens to both men and women. But in most cases it involves another women or abuse. Read some of those posts some people do not ask for this to happen to them it just happens.


#8

Dear All,

First of all, I want to say I’m so sorry if by writing this thread, I could hurt someone’s feeling. I don’t mean to hurt anybody, I just feel sad and wonder about it. Because before they got married, don’t they think very deep about their future marriage plan etc. But after I read all your thread then I understand that people have very different view and some people don’t have a choice to keep their marriage.
May God bless you all.


#9

Wina, I also think you need to remember you’re growing up in a different culture: my uncle lived in Indonesia for 5 years with the Dutch army in the 1940s and to the end of his life (he went back there on vacation many times and loved Indonesia!) he always remarked how ‘family oriented’ the Indonesians were, and how divorce and single parent families were so rare there…Most of us here grow up and live in Western Society where the governments have done everything to take away the specialness of marriage (in many European countries homosexuals can now ‘marry’ and adopt!)…it’s harder in the US or Europe to live a good Christian life, we are influenced by the world around us…unfortunately. And many of us find ourselves in a situation where one partner (could be the wife, could be the husband) decides to walk away from the marriage…and there’s nothing legally the partner leaving behind can do! Perhaps where you live ‘family’ and ‘marriage’ are held in higher esteem, and perhaps people there ‘make it work’ because that is what is expected of them…you live in a different culture, and I totally understand that reading this (mainly US and European) message-board must send some bewildering signals to you…


#10

I think another reason for the Catholic divorces the OP has commented on is the fact that for many, they are not well-formed Catholics when they marry. I was not a well-formed Catholic at the time of my marriage. Obviously, when one is not well-formed, one does not recognize oneself as not well formed! didn’t know what I didn’t know! :wink:

My faith was not central to my existence as it is now. If I could go back in time, I would do things much differently. But my faith came alive 10 years after my marriage. Furthermore, my spouse has not come along in his faith in the same way. Our marriage is not easy. I can’t go back in time, but I can try to hold it together. what I cannot do is the work of 2 people. If my marriage were to end, I would be devastated.

My point to the OP is that we are not all a bunch of homogeneous well-formed super Catholic couples on our wedding day.

I hope this helps.

imho


#11

Dear Sandra,
That’s what I’ve been thinking about it. That’s one reason that couple may not have the same faith’s level when they got married so one could leave the other and other can’t have a choice to save their marriage because they can’t force one to do it.
Some people have wrong reasons to get married such as status, parents’ will etc which later, those things could become obstacle for saving their marriages. It’s my opinions. No means to offend anyone
God bless
Wina


#12

I fall into the not-well-informed category.

Divorce hurts, but it is at times (unfortunately) necessary.:frowning:


#13

In view of the fact that there is no infallible dogma regarding remarriage after divorce, is it not possible that this is a Church rule which could be changed? The Eastern Church has always allowed divorce and remarriage; in the Dark and High Middle Ages divorce was far from uncommon, and we now know that the Council of Trent deliberately chose ambiguous language to allow those who believed it to be just a Church rule to vote for the condemnation of it. If it is just a rule, is there not an ethical argument for changing it? Why would God want an innocent person who, for example, had been abused and mistreated, to be forced to live a lonely celibate life for which they may not be suited? What would be the point? Surely celibacy as a life choice is not for everyone, so if someone through no fault of their own finds him or herself divorced at perhaps 25 why would God not want them to enjoy another more successful relationship? Why do we assume God wants us to be miserable?
Incidentally, I am not a liberal Catholic but would describe myself as a moderate traditionalist.


#14

*Why do we assume God wants us to be miserable? *

I certainly hope nobody assumes that. It took me awhile to figure this out, but God does want all of us to have joy.

*Why would God want an innocent person who, for example, had been abused and mistreated, to be forced to live a lonely celibate life for which they may not be suited? What would be the point? /I

Isn’t that the reason for the annulment process, to prove that there was no marriage, only an abusive relationship with a llicense?*


#15

#16

No offense taken. I’m going through the process myself & during this process I learned so much about myself and how much abuse I’ve taken.


#17

Isn’t that the reason for the annulment process, to prove that there was no marriage, only an abusive relationship with a llicense?

With the greatest respect, NO. The reason for the annulment process before the Coucil was to find technical reasons for declaring the marriage void. Since the Council it has been a postcode lottery; so-called “psychological reasons” are used in some places to allow the great majority of petitions, in more conservative countries it is almost impossible to get an annulment. There are strong suspicions that people like Frank Sinatra buy their annulments( he had three !). The fact is getting an annulment has little to do with the quality of the marriage; it is whollly to do with one’s dispositions on the day one was married. It is not scriptural ( the only two Gospel references are contradictory); there is no infallible dogma and, in my opinion, it could ( and should ) be easily changed. Usury was condemned for centuries as intrinsically sinful, yet that was changed; why can’t this be? I repeat: why would God want us to be miserable when there is no point??What evidence is there that the Eastern Orthodox people are more immoral than us because they get divorced and remarried?


#18

If two people love each other and they dilligently pray every day for their marriage then I find it impossible that it can fail. They both want it to work and they are praying to God to keep it going. Marriage is God’s will why wouldn’t God shower them with the Grace’s to keep it going.

When one person falls away from prayer, fails to stay connected then things start to go wrong.

1 Peter 5:8 Be alert, be on watch! Your enemy, the Devil, roams around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.

If one person in the marriage starts to dabble in other things that attack the marriage then things start to break down, flirting, pornography, laziness and a whole host of other temptations. In our Western culture we are bombarded with these temptations daily. We are in a culture that attacks the marriage daily by putting our selfish needs over the marriage.


#19

I know you mean well, and I mean no disrespect, but what you have written is frankly ludicrous, and indeed very cruel.What you are saying is that if two people have the right dispositions, then their relationship will succeed. So what if one of the partners is a cruel, sexually-abusing monster? What about the innocent party? Why should he/she be condemned to a life of loneliness? And further, it is demonstrably not the case that all one has to do is pray and use will power and all will be well. People( especially the young ) sometimes grow apart; is it really God’s will that two people who have grown to dislike each other and no longer have anything in common should be chained together for life? No wonder the Eastern Orthodox Christians refer to Roman Catholic marriage as a form of slavery. Also, it is not just our culture; marriages have always failed. Remarriage was far from unknown in the early centuries.

Marriage is God’s will why wouldn’t God shower them with the Grace’s to keep it going.

It is dangerous to argue that because it seems right to us for God to do something then we can count on his doing it. One could just as easily argue that God wouldn’t stand by and allow a young child to die horribly of cancer; yet he does. We must start with the world as it is, not as we would like it to be.


#20

If I understand you correctly you disagree with my comment that if two people have the right disposition then their relationship will suceed.

But then you go on to say What if one partner is a cruel, sexually abusing monster. My answer to that is the person who is the cruel sexually abusing monster then that person DOES NOT have the right disposition.

If two people who choose to get married put God first, their marriage second then it will work. The person who becomes the cruel, sexually abusing monster FAILED to put their marriage first. If they did then then they would have never become anything other than a good partner because that is priority two in their life.

I’m sorry but I do view you as being disrespectful by judging my comment as ludicrous and cruel. A more respectful way of commenting would be “I disagree with your comments and here’s why.”


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