I have an issue with trust.
Trust is the one BIG thing that has stalled my spiritual progress. It’s a stumbling block that I’ve not been able to overcome.
The reasons I don’t trust are complex and have to do with family and upbringing and life’s experiences.
I feel our relationships with those above are founded upon our relationships with those here below. If you have a good relationship with your mother, you’ll have a good relationship with The Virgin Mary, your Heavenly mother, etc …
All of my relationships here below are messed up. I don’t have a relationship with my mom because the true love of her life is the TV set. My Dad … I do love him dearly … but he is Bipolar and he refuses to get treatment. (I’m also bipolar, but I am medicated and that’s a different topic). Anyhow, my relationship with him isn’t normal either. I am his parent most of the time. It’s been that way since I’ve been seven. My brother and I have been close off and on, but we’ve drifted apart since my return to the Church.
I don’t let people close. This includes men and women. Women friends always, at some point, get jealous of me. My male friends fall in love with me. All of them. That gets to be a problem when they’re married! My best friends are my cats and my dad when he’s not bugging the living daylights out of me with his manic obsessions and wild flights of fancy.
Some may think I’m depressed. I assure you I’m not. I’m writing this in a perfectly disattached manner.
I’d like a rational explanation to my problem with trust. See, in my world, I love all my relatives dearly but I don’t trust them 100% of the time, for different reasons. My dad is sometimes too crazy to be trusted. My mother is too absorbed in the TV to remember to love me. My brother is too absorbed in himself and his girlfriend in order to be trusted with anything important.
These problems down here really affect my relationship with those above. I haven’t prayed the Rosary in two or three years (used to do it daily) because as my relationship with my mom has decayed to the point where we rarely speak. Same goes with my relations to my Heavenly Mother. I feel really guilty about this and sorry.
My relationship with God isn’t much better. To me, the definition of “father” is a crazy person and so even praying the “Our Father” seems inappropriate. I don’t even know how to approach Jesus anymore. Father? Brother? What?
The underlying problem is trust. I rationally know this. Emotionally, I have no idea how to fix it. I feel guilty for not trusting God. I know it hurts Him. I don’t want that.
**What is trust? Is it a virtue? Is it an act of will? How is it related to love? Can you have love without trust or vice versa? **
I know a lot of people who’ve had rough childhoods have the same problem. I was more emotionally abused and or neglected than anything else.
I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself and am not seeking pity because there are people out there in a much worse situation than myself, those who define “father” as a tyrant who beats mom and myself after getting drunk every night. Unfortunately, that’s a common scenario and that’s a common reason why we have trouble converting young people to the faith.
Is trust a learned thing? And it trust is never learned, can one be saved? That’s the bottom line.
Thanks for any input!