I find this forum to be of a great deal of help, Which is the reason I think I should be a lot more “open” and ask where I am going wrong.
Bit complicated, I was born and raised a Catholic, but from early on I had issues. first there was a period of time when I was molested, and from age 9 till 19 I spent most of that time not accepting it wasn’t my fault and making an issue of it in my mind. Thankfully now I have learnt better and do not think about it so much or make it so much of an issue.
However that has been the start of my struggle with my faith. I went on retreat when I was 19. I thought that once i had done all that I would be fine, I would be a more frequent church goer, would find it easier to pray, easier to live my life.
But since then I have struggled more, I do not pray like I should, I very seldom go to mass.
In fact I have pretty much stopped living a life that a catholic should.
I can’t pray, I find my mind drifting and it’s ages before I really realise it has. I have taken all statues and crucifixes and hidden them in a cupboard. I don’t even think about it lately.
It works on my mind because on one hand I hate this, I want to go to church and actually want to be there and pray without it taking so much effort. And to look at my life and how I live it and be proud of it.
Should pray I know.
I am not trying to look for attention or anything, i know some people will think so, I am really looking for help.