What should I do in this situation with my husband?


#1

My husband and I have a child and another on the way. I am on the taller and heavy side (although I am not that heavy, but I am not like a model either) and at first this did not bother him. He actually liked it but he wanted me to lose weight. He said he wasn't really attracted to me anymore and he was just with me because of the kids. He started doing some things I am not happy about like going out to bars and stuff. I caught him dancing with a girl in a bar. his excuse was he was drunk. I let it slide but I told him he's never going there again. Now I found a paper a while ago (months ago) with some screen name and password. I figured out yesterday it was a e-mail account I didn't know he had. Once I got into it I found e-mails from adultfriendfinder.com. You know, the website where adults try to meet others for sex. He has an account with them. I was able to reset the password and get into the account. he didn't have much on there. Only that he was a man interested in women. He checked that he wanted one on one sex. He said in his introduction we just moved to here and he's interested in meeting someone. he didn't have any e-mails, messages, friends, etc on there. They delete your activity from what I can see if you aren't on in three months so I know it's been at least that long since he's been on there. he hadn't read most of the e-mails in the e-mail account either since around the beginning of the year.

I was real upset and he could tell. He said he wanted me to tell him what was going on because I was pregnant with early labor history and high blood pressure. I am high risk. He didn't want me or the baby hurt and I showed him what i printed off. He denied it at first saying who did this? That's his first line of defense and I said you and I have the password and screen name in your handwriting to prove it. He said he was sorry and didn't do anything with anyone. That he wasn't happy with my physically but when he looked in the mirror he couldn't do something like that as a dad. I said once the baby was born and had it's first checkups and was cleared I would take the kids and leave if i was so physically ugly to him. He said he didn't want to be without the kids and I said I didn't want to keep them from him but that if this is how it's going to be that I would leave and he said he didn't do anything and loves me and doesn't want me to leave.

I want to believe he didn't do anything. Like I said, he doesn't have any contacts or friends and it looks like he hasn't been in in maybe even closer to a year but still to even do this is WAY over the line.

I just don't know what to do and how to handle this. He is totally over the line and sorry doesn't cut it. It sounds plausable, but it seems like he has to explain away a lot of things lately and I don't know it's the truth or if he's just a good liar. For all I know he could have had sex with someone and then felt guilty and stopped. I mean, I will never REALLY know, you know?


#2

Go to a good marriage counselor. You have real problems which online advice cannot do much for. You need the intensity, professionalism and personal attention of a marriage counselor.


#3

thanks RSD, but counseling is out of the question for him. he absolutely will not go. I have tried. It's not going to happen unfortunately.


#4

Get him involved with a mens group with the church. They are great for keeping eachother in line and accountable. Put your foot down that if he does not do something that makes him accountable you will carry out you threat. Remind him of the vows he made on your wedding day. stuff like that.


#5

If he will not go to counseling with you, go by yourself. A counselor may be able to suggest ways to help you get him to come with you and provide advise on how to deal with the situation as it exists now.

One thing you may try, to get him into counseling with you. In my years I have seen many marriages fail. I was in the military and that is hard on marriages., Normally, it is not one spouse’s fault that the marriage fails. As with a marriage that succeeds, both spouses contribute. When I have screwed up in my marriage (37 yrs worth) I rairly recognized the fact immidiately. It is often difficult to see your own mistakes and often takes someone else to point them out.

I hesitate to advise issuing ultimatums as, if he feels backed into a corner he may get his back up and become unreasonably stubborn. He may talk himself into a position that leaves him no way to save face if he backs down. If you do issue an ultimatum, make sure you carry through or he will never believe you again.

I will pray for you and your family.

Patrick


#6

“He actually liked it but he wanted me to lose weight. He said he wasn’t really attracted to me anymore and he was just with me because of the kids.”

That is so cruel to say to anyone, let alone your wife:( He is supposed to respect you and honor you and he is not doing that at all. He’s doing the opposite. Going out to bars, dancing with women and looking on dating sites is despicable. You deserve much, much better than this! You are pregnant with his child and instead of complimenting you, he’s degrading to you. This is NOT okay in any way, not ever. First he says he is not attracted to you and is only with you because of the kids and then he says he doesn’t want you to leave and that he loves you…this sounds like a game to me. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you, but I think it’s in a very selfish and controlling way. I can only imagine how you must be hurting. I do know that if my husband EVER spoke to me in that way, it would take a miracle to keep me from leaving! This may seem harsh, but I believe there are certain things that just cross the line and border on abusive.:mad: Don’t ever accept that sort of talk from him. You are pregnant and a woman, so your weight is a beautiful thing!!! If he has a problem with this, then I know there are many men out there willing to take his place and appreciate your beauty on the outside as well as the inside! Take care and I will say a prayer for you as well. Just remember that you are more then justified if you decide not to accept anymore of his **** and decide to pack up and leave! (Or better- send him packing!)


#7

Woah - I feel so badly for you. Having been pregnant lots of times but never been able to be successful (finish with a live baby), I understand some of the weight problems you're having. I've never lost weight "for" my husband but rather for myself- if you can get to a gym that has child care, I would seriously advise trying it after the baby is born - not for him but for you (regardless of whether you stay or not) - believe me - you'll begin looking forward to it and also you'll feel better about yourself even if you don't loose a lot of weight. But do it for YOURSELF if you do it at all -
Other than that, I don't want to be crude but apparently, he found you appealing enough after child #1 to get you pregnant again. I would let him know this and I hate to be accusatory to this man that I don't know but you found out about one thing he was doing - have you checked his online history to see wherever else he has been - I highly reccomend investing in some spy wear if there is a chance you're going to stay with him.

Other's have mentioned ultimatums - those don't usually work to well which has also been mentioned- but I would let him know if he wants to stay with me than this is a condition of us staying together. After the pregnancy, I would also start trying NFP or something to keep from getting pregnant again - that's the last thing you need is another baby on the way - that will add not only some joy but also, as you know ALOT more stress. Also, I know when I'm pregnant as with many women, my emotions are all over the place and this is the worse time to make huge life altering decisions. If he won't go with you to the counselor, I agree that you should go on your own. I would also begin keeping some money aside in case you do have to seperate for some time or if the conditions become unbearable. Honestly, I'm amazed you've stayed with him through as much as you had. Literally for GOD sakes, pray - pray for God to show you what to do. I have to pray for Him to pretty much bang the answer over my head or I won't understand what He's trying to say. He doesn't seem to mind complying with this request - if sometimes it seems He almost finds making sure I'm aware of His desire humorous. I really belive God has a sense of humor.
I'll pray for you, but please DON"T become a DOORMAT.
God Bless
Rye


#8

[quote="babyOnTHEway, post:1, topic:178623"]
My husband and I have a child and another on the way. I am on the taller and heavy side (although I am not that heavy, but I am not like a model either) and at first this did not bother him. He actually liked it but he wanted me to lose weight. He said he wasn't really attracted to me anymore and he was just with me because of the kids. He started doing some things I am not happy about like going out to bars and stuff. I caught him dancing with a girl in a bar. his excuse was he was drunk. I let it slide but I told him he's never going there again. Now I found a paper a while ago (months ago) with some screen name and password. I figured out yesterday it was a e-mail account I didn't know he had. Once I got into it I found e-mails from adultfriendfinder.com. You know, the website where adults try to meet others for sex. He has an account with them. I was able to reset the password and get into the account. he didn't have much on there. Only that he was a man interested in women. He checked that he wanted one on one sex. He said in his introduction we just moved to here and he's interested in meeting someone. he didn't have any e-mails, messages, friends, etc on there. They delete your activity from what I can see if you aren't on in three months so I know it's been at least that long since he's been on there. he hadn't read most of the e-mails in the e-mail account either since around the beginning of the year.

I was real upset and he could tell. He said he wanted me to tell him what was going on because I was pregnant with early labor history and high blood pressure. I am high risk. He didn't want me or the baby hurt and I showed him what i printed off. He denied it at first saying who did this? That's his first line of defense and I said you and I have the password and screen name in your handwriting to prove it. He said he was sorry and didn't do anything with anyone. That he wasn't happy with my physically but when he looked in the mirror he couldn't do something like that as a dad. I said once the baby was born and had it's first checkups and was cleared I would take the kids and leave if i was so physically ugly to him. He said he didn't want to be without the kids and I said I didn't want to keep them from him but that if this is how it's going to be that I would leave and he said he didn't do anything and loves me and doesn't want me to leave.

I want to believe he didn't do anything. Like I said, he doesn't have any contacts or friends and it looks like he hasn't been in in maybe even closer to a year but still to even do this is WAY over the line.

I just don't know what to do and how to handle this. He is totally over the line and sorry doesn't cut it. It sounds plausable, but it seems like he has to explain away a lot of things lately and I don't know it's the truth or if he's just a good liar. For all I know he could have had sex with someone and then felt guilty and stopped. I mean, I will never REALLY know, you know?

[/quote]

Okay.... I suppose he looks like Brad Pitt?

From a male perspective, the excitement, anticipation and physical pleasure of sex is heightened significantly by even the mere thought of bedding a physically fit, young attractive female. This appeals directly to our sinful human nature. This desire when separated from the love of a wife is deep within the flesh and is not of God. It must be resisted. It isn't just weak willed men who struggle with this. Even godly men must fight this battle of the flesh. Many men use pornography as a substitute for the "real thing" thinking it is a safe alternative to an extramarital affair. It is not.

Secondly, Let me assure you that this is NOT your fault. Some of the most beautiful women in the world have lost their husbands to cheating behavior because this desire for the ultimate sexual experience cannot be satisfied. The reason it cannot be satisfied is because we were not made to live this way. The ultimate intimate experience can only be found with the wife that God gives us. When a husband finally realized that, he will find a river of peace.

This is not a free pass for women to just totally let themselves go either. I believe it is a woman's responsibility to take reasonable steps to look as good as she can for her husband. This does not mean 2 hours in the gym every day either.... just reasonable measures. I am always amazed when women who have gained 75lbs or more since the wedding are shocked to find out that their husband has been looking at dirty magazines. That old sinful nature really can take over when the spouse has gained so much weight that it's difficult to move during physical intimacy.

The same thing goes for men who come to the marriage bed with the beer bellies, bad breath and cheetos crumbs in the chest hair. Spouses do have an obligation to each other. Eating well, getting a little exercise and keeping clean goes a long way.

Your husband needs spiritual direction. He is flirting with disaster and should be confronted with the things you have discovered. He needs to make a decision about the future of the marriage.


#9

[quote="babyOnTHEway, post:3, topic:178623"]
thanks RSD, but counseling is out of the question for him. he absolutely will not go. I have tried. It's not going to happen unfortunately.

[/quote]

Then you go - call the Priest this afternoon and make an appointment - pack up the kids and go talk to Father. He will either be able to counsel you or will refer you to someone who can.

Stop sleeping with this man, he may give you diseases.


#10

Okay, so someone writes in to an online forum and says “My leg is hanging at a really funny angle, and I can see the bone sticking out, and I can’t put any weight on it, and I hurt it a couple of weeks ago and now the leg is all swollen up and red streaks are running up and down my leg. What should I do?”

The first person to respond says “Go to a hospital. This is serious.” So the OP says “Going to a hospital is out of the question.”

Are you asking us then to recommend what brand of band aids you should use?

You have a very serious situation, life threatening to your marriage, your soul, your husband’s, your child’s, which calls for immediate very serious professional help. Don’t mess around with any band aid measures.

Take this seriously.


#11

[quote="RSD, post:10, topic:178623"]
Okay, so someone writes in to an online forum and says "My leg is hanging at a really funny angle, and I can see the bone sticking out, and I can't put any weight on it, and I hurt it a couple of weeks ago and now the leg is all swollen up and red streaks are running up and down my leg. What should I do?"

The first person to respond says "Go to a hospital. This is serious." So the OP says "Going to a hospital is out of the question."

Are you asking us then to recommend what brand of band aids you should use?

You have a very serious situation, life threatening to your marriage, your soul, your husband's, your child's, which calls for immediate very serious professional help. Don't mess around with any band aid measures.

Take this seriously.

[/quote]

Well, to clear it up, as I said, I would like for him to go but he doesn't want to. Unless you can hit him on the head with a rod and force him to go, there's nothing I can really do about that. I have tried counseling with a priest - it didn't do much good because my husband won't go and this is coming from the priest - there's nothing he can do to change or talk to my husband about if my husband won't go.

Also, as to what was said above - I know you were talking in general but I have not gained any weight. We have been married for 10 years. today at 31 weeks pregnant I am 10-20 pounds lighter than when we got married. I am very tall so I do not look fat - I am just not all muscly and I do have a belly - but hey this is my second child and I've always had one. He liked at first that I was bigger. Other men ask me out so I know I'm not unattractive (hence your point about the most gorgeous women in the world). Unfortunately I will never had a stomach that's flat. i am having my second baby, have never had a totally flat stomach. I work 60 plus hours a week - even at 31 weeks pregnant. With the 4 extra hours I have per day after I get home, I spend an hour cooking, an hour cleaning ,an hour taking a shower and giving my son a bath, an hour relaxing with my 4 year old who runs me ragged., and then up to an hour trying to put him to bed. Then it's off to bed for me and getting my son ready in the morning and dropping him at daycare and going in for a 10+ hr day at work. I don't have a lot of time to work out - in fact, I hardly have any time at all.

He thinks because I weigh more than him, it's a bad thing. I have never weighed what he weighed and he has it easy. He works 20 or more hours less than I do a week - he sleeps in as long as he wants ( am lucky to get 5 hours of sleep, sometimes 6). He has time to work out and he doens't take care of our child except when I am working on the weekends. So basically he has hours and hours of free time every single morning during the week to do whatever he wants to keep in shape and get rested and doesn't need to clean or anything because I do that. Occasionally he will clean or cook if I didn't have time too. I don't have the same luxury as him and i shouldn't have it taken out on me with his bad behavior because he has all the time in the world and takes trips and goes out and has personal time while I am always at home with our child or working. It's not fair. I know you know it's not fair, I am just saying it is all.


#12

Hello babyOnTHEway
I am so sorry your husband is mistreating you and also that he refuses to attend counselling.This makes it sooo tough for you.My heart goes out to you,pregnant too!!!

Kage ar gave you very good advice.Make an appontment to see your priest.
If he can’t help he will know where you can get advice of a practical nature.
In the end it will boil down to …I know you love him and are carrying his baby, but how much are you prepared to put up with?
I have been where you are and put up with much too much things got much worse until my children were damaged.You have a duty to protect your children and yourself.I know its really hard when you love someone and they are hurting you,you want him to change and be a decent faithful husband.Maybe he can maybe he can’t.
Can you trust him?
If he isn’t prepared to even try counselling then he does’nt feel remorse or guilt for his actions.
Irrelevant of whether you have gained weight or not you are his wife whom he should love.
He should’nt be making you feel inadequate and when he is not faithful in his thoughts or deeds.
Just like if something happened to your husband and he wasn’t able to show love to you of a physical nature anymore you would still love him and be faithful not ogling pictures on the internet and lusting after other men,would you?
I sincerely hope your priest can talk to you both and help save this marriage.If your husband is willing to change and try counselling at least!
May God bless you and keep you safe and healthy throughout your pregnancy.God bless


#13

"This is not a free pass for women to just totally let themselves go either. I believe it is a woman's responsibility to take reasonable steps to look as good as she can for her husband. This does not mean 2 hours in the gym every day either.... just reasonable measures. I am always amazed when women who have gained 75lbs or more since the wedding are shocked to find out that their husband has been looking at dirty magazines. That old sinful nature really can take over when the spouse has gained so much weight that it's difficult to move during physical intimacy."

:confused: Ummm, so you are saying that if a woman gained 75lbs, then she should not be surprised to find her husband looking at dirty magazines??? That's disgusting! Do you think Jesus would agree with this statement??!! "Hey-it's not right to look at filthy magazines, but if your husband or wife gains weight then they really shouldn't be surprised!" :eek: Wow, I guess the old "In sickness and in health" goes right out the window if say, your wife were to get in an accident and have terrible burns all over her face, or say she has a thyroid condition and gains a tremendous amount of weight, or even say she has depression or an eating disorder and gains a lot of weight as well! If you believe that "difficulty to move during physical intimacy" is justification for "that old sinful nature" to take over, then do your wife a favor and get a divorce. I am just completely perplexed and speechless that you could even remotely justify that kind of behavior. If my dear husband gained weight or anything else about his physical appearance changed, I would not feel an urge to look at other men!!! Obviously my love for him as a person and the love I promised him before God would mean nothing! If he had such a serious problem with sanitation and personal hygiene then I would know something was wrong with his well-being and I would seek help for him! That is what REAL love is. I suggest you read the wedding vows again just to refresh.


#14

I have nothing original to contribute other than to advise you to ask him to submit to STD testing if/when this is resolved. I would not sleep with him again until he’s proven clear, especially if I were pregnant. But that’s my opinion. I’m very sorry he is sinking so low. Please get help.


#15

So very sad, what can you do if he refuses to be a good husband? if he continues to refuse then divorce is in order, no sin about that with an annulment, you cannot force him to be a good Christian.My thoughts are really with you my wife was not faithful and no longer loved me, we divorced and I received ananullment, five years late I met a wonderful wonderful woman that is the light of my life AND loves my daughter!:) honestly it was very painful being treated that way and I worked hard to maintain my self esteem, God bless you and hope life turns out well for you.


#16

[quote="FiberZilla, post:8, topic:178623"]
Okay.... I suppose he looks like Brad Pitt?

From a male perspective, the excitement, anticipation and physical pleasure of sex is heightened significantly by even the mere thought of bedding a physically fit, young attractive female. This appeals directly to our sinful human nature. This desire when separated from the love of a wife is deep within the flesh and is not of God. It must be resisted. It isn't just weak willed men who struggle with this. Even godly men must fight this battle of the flesh. Many men use pornography as a substitute for the "real thing" thinking it is a safe alternative to an extramarital affair. It is not.

Secondly, Let me assure you that this is NOT your fault. Some of the most beautiful women in the world have lost their husbands to cheating behavior because this desire for the ultimate sexual experience cannot be satisfied. The reason it cannot be satisfied is because we were not made to live this way. The ultimate intimate experience can only be found with the wife that God gives us. When a husband finally realized that, he will find a river of peace.

This is not a free pass for women to just totally let themselves go either. I believe it is a woman's responsibility to take reasonable steps to look as good as she can for her husband. This does not mean 2 hours in the gym every day either.... just reasonable measures. I am always amazed when women who have gained 75lbs or more since the wedding are shocked to find out that their husband has been looking at dirty magazines. That old sinful nature really can take over when the spouse has gained so much weight that it's difficult to move during physical intimacy.

The same thing goes for men who come to the marriage bed with the beer bellies, bad breath and cheetos crumbs in the chest hair. Spouses do have an obligation to each other. Eating well, getting a little exercise and keeping clean goes a long way.

Your husband needs spiritual direction. He is flirting with disaster and should be confronted with the things you have discovered. He needs to make a decision about the future of the marriage.

[/quote]

dude..you are a Christian? I am as manly as any and would not say would you have in regards to weight or marriage, very insensitive.:hey_bud:


#17

FiberZilla,

From a male perspective, the excitement, anticipation and physical pleasure of sex is heightened significantly by even the mere thought of bedding a physically fit, young attractive female. This appeals directly to our sinful human nature. This desire when separated from the love of a wife is deep within the flesh and is not of God. It must be resisted. It isn’t just weak willed men who struggle with this. Even godly men must fight this battle of the flesh. Many men use pornography as a substitute for the “real thing” thinking it is a safe alternative to an extramarital affair. It is not.

From a woman’s perspective, the excitement, anticipation and physical pleasure of sex is heightened significantly by even the mere thought of bedding a physically fit, young attractive male. This appeals directly to our sinful human nature. This desire when separated from the love of a husband is deep within the flesh. It must be resisted. It isn’t just weak willed women who struggle with this. Even Godly women must fight this battle of the flesh. Many women will also use pornography and lustful thoughts as a substitute for the “real thing” thinking it is a safe alternative to an extramarital affair.

I am sick and tired of this kind of excuse from men like you who think they have it so hard compared to women. I am a women and I have had the same temptations and sins as men. It took me many years and a lot of work to rid myself of these. I went to Adoration daily to pray, frequent confession, spiritual direction, daily mass, did many charitable works and most of all I relied on Jesus and Mary to change me.

You need to stop making excuses and use your free will and ask God to help you because with Him anything is possible.


#18

You say you are a high risk pregnancy, yet you are working 60 hours a week, plus do all the cooking and cleaning and caring for your other child. You don't need an exercise program. You need to cut down on your work. Have you told your doctor about how much work you are doing? Hasn't he given you some advice on your physical activities and getting rest?

Since your husband is home more than you are, get him to do the cooking and cleaning. Get your doctor to back you up on this. Tell him the doctor wants to talk to him about your health. (this could be the first step to get him to counselling, too) You are working all the time and you must be exhausted. Look after your health first and don't risk going into premature labor.


#19

[quote="onmyknees, post:17, topic:178623"]
FiberZilla,

From a male perspective, the excitement, anticipation and physical pleasure of sex is heightened significantly by even the mere thought of bedding a physically fit, young attractive female. This appeals directly to our sinful human nature. This desire when separated from the love of a wife is deep within the flesh and is not of God. It must be resisted. It isn't just weak willed men who struggle with this. Even godly men must fight this battle of the flesh. Many men use pornography as a substitute for the "real thing" thinking it is a safe alternative to an extramarital affair. It is not.

From a woman's perspective, the excitement, anticipation and physical pleasure of sex is heightened significantly by even the mere thought of bedding a physically fit, young attractive male. This appeals directly to our sinful human nature. This desire when separated from the love of a husband is deep within the flesh. It must be resisted. It isn't just weak willed women who struggle with this. Even Godly women must fight this battle of the flesh. Many women will also use pornography and lustful thoughts as a substitute for the "real thing" thinking it is a safe alternative to an extramarital affair.

I am sick and tired of this kind of excuse from men like you who think they have it so hard compared to women. I am a women and I have had the same temptations and sins as men. It took me many years and a lot of work to rid myself of these. I went to Adoration daily to pray, frequent confession, spiritual direction, daily mass, did many charitable works and most of all I relied on Jesus and Mary to change me.

You need to stop making excuses and use your free will and ask God to help you because with Him anything is possible.

[/quote]

Who's making excuses? Of course women are not exempt from sexual temptation! The OP was having problems with her husband, that is why I answered the way I did. Keep up the good fight & God Bless.


#20

[quote="AmandaB, post:13, topic:178623"]
"This is not a free pass for women to just totally let themselves go either. I believe it is a woman's responsibility to take reasonable steps to look as good as she can for her husband. This does not mean 2 hours in the gym every day either.... just reasonable measures. I am always amazed when women who have gained 75lbs or more since the wedding are shocked to find out that their husband has been looking at dirty magazines. That old sinful nature really can take over when the spouse has gained so much weight that it's difficult to move during physical intimacy."

:confused: Ummm, so you are saying that if a woman gained 75lbs, then she should not be surprised to find her husband looking at dirty magazines??? That's disgusting! Do you think Jesus would agree with this statement??!! "Hey-it's not right to look at filthy magazines, but if your husband or wife gains weight then they really shouldn't be surprised!" :eek: Wow, I guess the old "In sickness and in health" goes right out the window if say, your wife were to get in an accident and have terrible burns all over her face, or say she has a thyroid condition and gains a tremendous amount of weight, or even say she has depression or an eating disorder and gains a lot of weight as well! If you believe that "difficulty to move during physical intimacy" is justification for "that old sinful nature" to take over, then do your wife a favor and get a divorce. I am just completely perplexed and speechless that you could even remotely justify that kind of behavior. If my dear husband gained weight or anything else about his physical appearance changed, I would not feel an urge to look at other men!!! Obviously my love for him as a person and the love I promised him before God would mean nothing! If he had such a serious problem with sanitation and personal hygiene then I would know something was wrong with his well-being and I would seek help for him! That is what REAL love is. I suggest you read the wedding vows again just to refresh.

[/quote]

Please re-read my post. Nowhere did I condon this behavior. As I stated above, It is sinful! Did you know that pornography revenue worldwide is over 100 billion dollars every year? That is more money than generated by all professional sports combined! Also the divorce rate is approaching 60% Sloth and Gluttony are two of the deadly sins. Lust is yet another. These sins feed on each other. Futhermore, the words "addiction" and "dysfunction" have been slowly replacing the word "sin" for decades. We need to pull our heads out of the sand and stop making excuses. It all gets back to Genesis chapter 3 and the fall of mankind.

The OP's husband needs to be confronted about his attitudes and behavior.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.