What should I do with my ex-boyfriend?


#1

Hello,
I am non-catholic Asian woman who was previously dating with a Catholic boy from an European country.

I told him before we started dating that I had have several sexual experience in the past and asked him if it would be a problem. He answered "No."
He was a virgin at that time, he told me that I was the one he’s been waiting for and I would be the last girlfriend of him. so, we had a sex. When it turned out, my past became the biggest problem of us. He always told me “I can overcome it. Please just trust me and wait.”

6 months later, despite the promise that he’d stay in my country, he found much nicer job in UK and left here. I was trying to follow him but it was too difficult for me to find a job without Visa. He always said “I could give you the last solution(which means marriage) to get a visa, but do your best to get it by yourself.”

After one month, he broke me up saying "If there wasn’t your past experience, I would have proposed you already, but I found it almost impossible."
I asked him if he didn’t like me anymore or wanted to find a new girl with no experience, he answered “No” for both questions. I said I didn’t mind if we can’t marry, we could just continue non-sexual relationship until either of us want to marry someone else.
He said “I don’t want interrupt your future happy life. If we’re still single at our 40s-50s, we can date again.” and broke up.

What makes me confused is that he still sends many messages which reminds me of our happy moment. also he asked me if I already had a new boyfriend. I said no and asked him if he wanted me to find a new partner, he answered he didn’t want. He said he wants me to be a Catholic sister! I am so confused.

I still love him. If it’s a goof idea, I’m willing to be baptized. but I don’t want to bother him anymore.
If you could give me any advice, I would be really appreciate.

Thank you so much for your time.


#2

You are a valuable person, loved by God. Your ex-boyfriend did not follow his faith and sinned in more than one way. None of his behavior matches that of a practicing or devout Catholic and from the way he treated you, I am sorry to say that I doubt converting would change him. He used you, lied, dumped you and is now playing on your emotions.

Please don’t waste your life on him, he is not worth it.

As for becoming a Catholic, whilst I would welcome you with open arms, I would suggest learning about this wonderful faith first.

May God bless and heal you.


#3

Hello luchappy, this man now has ‘a past’ because he had sex with you. As a Catholic he should not have sex before marriage. He now perhaps expects sometime to find another woman to take him on with his ‘past’ with you, so it seems hypocritical of him to hold your past against you.

Forgive me, but he does not seem very good for you. He will not accept you, but he will not let you go free to find a new life. He seems to be unfair to you. You should have someone who loves you enough to welcome you as his wife with genuine love, not holding your past against you.

You are welcome to be baptized as a Catholic if you wish and you believe.
We would be happy for you.

I am sad you are so unhappy. Only you can decide if you should ignore his messages and not reply to them, unless he does genuinely commit to you, but I don’t think so far that he loves you enough. He seems concerned about what he wants, not what you need. He seems selfish. Do you really want a husband who is unreliable and unkind?

Please take good care of yourself. It is hard to heal from a broken relationship, but I hope and pray you will have the courage and wisdom to make the right choices and to recover.

Kind wishes and prayers,

Trishie


#4

First of all, God loves you, and that is a thing that matter’s most in this story. You have not done anything wrong, if your faith say it is OK to have sex before marriage it is. If not, God will forgive you. Second, why on earth did you belive that boy? “I am a virgin and you are my first and last girl” is just about the oldest “pick-up” line there is in the book. He did use you, no doubt about that. If you still love him, well, try to forget him. Even if you get a visa to UK he will not be waiting for you, guess he still is a “virgin” and there is a trail of girls behind him. I am sorry to say this to you, but that is what some of us men are. So what should you do? It is hard, but try to forget that boy, he is not what you need. If he would have loved you he would for sure taking you with him home to UK. It is sad that you had to find out some of what life is this way, but better now then married in UK with a boy you really don’t know at all. God bless you.


#5

He decided to move on with his life.

It is over.

God uses many such relationships and people in our lives to draw us nearer to him. Continue your journey into the Church.


#6

Please cut ties with him. I know it will be hard, but he has treated you badly, and certainly not as a man of faith. This is not how someone who truly loves you would treat you.

He has not been a good example of a practicing Catholic to you, but perhaps the good that will come from this relationship is your curiosity in the church. I hope that you will look into the church for yourself, and not because you feel it might win him back.


#7

he told me that I was the one he’s been waiting for and I would be the last girlfriend of him.

Im so confused right now, but all I can say is that he is a douche! I dont think he is being serious with his religion because if you were his “last girlfriend” and he knew… he would have proposed to you! :shrug:


#8

Hello and Welcome to Catholic Answers!
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I would like to address this…

This is a line guys use to convince a girl to have sex without being married first. :mad:
If you are confused today, he can make everything very clear if he likes but he is just keeping all his options open. He’d be willing to use you again if you let him. He enjoyed your company, and moved on. I would ask him to no longer contact you because you are moving on with your life.

The Catholic faith says that having sex is meant to be between a husband and wife. God designed sex to be a ‘super glue’ that holds a married couple together. If a young lady has sex while dating, it becomes very difficult to think straight and make good decisions. Once the hormones jump in, it’s hard to see faults and bad behavior that is obvious to someone else. Dating is a time to look at the other person and decide if they will be a good life partner, a great parent. It’s a time to be sober and think straight. Too many couples have sex way before they should, and get married, when they should never have gotten married. They come to their senses some years later and wonder what the heck they were thinking. Having sex while dating does that. It clouds our thinking.

God designed sex, and He wishes that a couple come before family and friends and state their intention to be married. This is to ensure that young ladies and their children are not abandoned by the man. So many young ladies are having sex while they are dating and get pregnant, and the boyfriend abandons them. Having sex while dating puts all the risk upon the young lady!! To ask her to have sex without the marriage commitment is pure selfishness. It is the opposite of love. If a young man pressures you to have sex ‘because he loves you’, your reply should be that if he loved you, he wouldn’t ask you to take such a risk on.

Since the pill became available, there has been an explosion of sexually transmitted diseases, not only in number, but in how many kinds of diseases one can now catch. Young girls are getting pregnant without being married and are in a very difficult situation. The Catholic faith says No. Young ladies and children are to be protected from this bad situation. God loves you as a precious daughter. He has a plan for your life and He wishes to bless you and walk with you always. He is your loving Father, and as you learn about the Catholic faith, you will understand better how God wishes for us to be loved, to love others, and be close to Him. God bless and guide you today.


#9

This guy is a complete jackass. Forget about him. He dumps you and then tries to dictate how you live your life? No.


#10

That is not really fair pedro, he may have been sincere about her but after being apart from her he discovered she was just not the one. It seems to me that she was the one with more experience in relationships than he was and it just not fair under those circumstances to use sex as a hook.

Too often men are assumed to be the criminal in the case of divorce or separation.

They were not married, it is just time to move on for both of them.


#11

It’s not the fact that he broke up with her that makes him a jackass. It’s the fact that he thinks he has a say in her life after breaking up with her. People who do that are dumb and annoying. People who dont want to see their ex move on. After breaking up, you don’t get a say. If he wanted a say, he should’ve married her.


#12

:thumbsup:


#13

[quote="luchappy, post:1, topic:342632"]
Hello,
I am non-catholic Asian woman who was previously dating with a Catholic boy from an European country.

I told him before we started dating that I had have several sexual experience in the past and asked him if it would be a problem. He answered "No."
He was a virgin at that time, he told me that I was the one he's been waiting for and I would be the last girlfriend of him. so, we had a sex. When it turned out, my past became the biggest problem of us. He always told me "I can overcome it. Please just trust me and wait."

6 months later, despite the promise that he'd stay in my country, he found much nicer job in UK and left here. I was trying to follow him but it was too difficult for me to find a job without Visa. He always said "I could give you the last solution(which means marriage) to get a visa, but do your best to get it by yourself."

After one month, he broke me up saying "If there wasn't your past experience, I would have proposed you already, but I found it almost impossible."
I asked him if he didn't like me anymore or wanted to find a new girl with no experience, he answered "No" for both questions. I said I didn't mind if we can't marry, we could just continue non-sexual relationship until either of us want to marry someone else.
He said "I don't want interrupt your future happy life. If we're still single at our 40s-50s, we can date again." and broke up.

What makes me confused is that he still sends many messages which reminds me of our happy moment. also he asked me if I already had a new boyfriend. I said no and asked him if he wanted me to find a new partner, he answered he didn't want. He said he wants me to be a Catholic sister! I am so confused.

I still love him. If it's a goof idea, I'm willing to be baptized. but I don't want to bother him anymore.
If you could give me any advice, I would be really appreciate.

Thank you so much for your time.

[/quote]

It is time for you to stop reading his messages. If he really cared about you, he would stop all contact and allow you to move on with your life. It would not be a good idea for you to be baptized at this time, just because he wants you to become a Catholic nun. From now on, it is none of his business what you do with your life or if you have a new boyfriend. He lives far away in his country and you live in yours; remind him that he broke up with you, and you want to keep that way.


#14

If he really would love you, dear OP, he would do everything he can to be with you. I usually defend people wrongfully accused, but this young gentleman is not what I am happy to defend. And he is still in your life, in your head, he control you all the time, you need to understand that. His behavior is totally out of what is right. Dump him, change your phone number and get a new e-mail provider. Cut him of in all the way you can think of. And keep this in mind, you have not done anything wrong, remember what Christ did teach us about temptations? They will come, but the one who bring them would be better of thrown in the sea with a mill stone tied around his neck. And did cheat you to have sex with him, telling you that you are all he need, well, at that moment you was, but not in the way you wanted to understand and believe. So, lose him.

I think you could talk with a priest. He will not accuse you because even if sex before marriage is wrong, (and yes, I had sex before marriage, I know someone will ask that question at some point) but thees circumstances are different. You are not Catholic, and God do understand mistakes and even sin done with intention. God also forgive, and I am pretty sure He will forgive you because He love you so much, so have no fear, go and talk with a priest, and he will guide forward. Take care and forget that boy.


#15

Sex complicates everything!!
Diverting the conversation a bit I have a problem and don’t know where else to turn. Not even sure this is the right thread but here I go. In 2004 I married my high school sweetheart , I was 20 at the time and we married through the catholic church. After 4 u rs of marriage we divorced. After the divorce I had a relationship that resulted in 2 kids (I didn’t marry my kids father). We broke up after he became violent and beat me.
Well for the past 2 yrs my ex husband and I have been in reconciliation and are renewing our vows in Dec and will marry legally again. With all this said my problem lies in sex. Since we are forever married through the church but not legally again, if we had sex before our renewal/remarriage would we be sinning? I want to be in Good terms with God and my relationship. I dont want to receive communion while in sin. I dont know if any of this is worth questioning but there nothing worth with trying.


#16

Thanks for your reply.
I didn’t realise what he’s done to me was such terrible.
I appreciate it you welcomed me to your religion with open arms.


#17

Hello Trishie,
Thanks for your reply.
It’s true that he now has ‘a past’. I felt like it was also my sin, but I no longer feel guilty about it.
I understand I should make a right decision. It is difficult to move on right now though.
Thank you so much.


#18

Thanks for your reply.
I think he really was a virgin, but still it’s true he lied to me.
Maybe it was good to know what kind of guy he was before I go to UK.


#19

[quote="CrossBro, post:5, topic:342632"]
He decided to move on with his life.

It is over.

God uses many such relationships and people in our lives to draw us nearer to him. Continue your journey into the Church.

[/quote]

Thanks for your reply.
I hope I would end this sad journey soon.


#20

Thanks for your reply.
I am still curious about Catholic, but I feel very sad that I didn’t save myself for my future husband and no longer have any special gift to give…


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