What should I look for in a wife?


#1

I haven’t put too much thought into this. For me physical beauty is mostly important, but things like body type don’t really matter to me. Hair color, eye color, etc. and things like this also don’t really matter (well, I should admit I like redheads :smiley: ).

I guess the “Big 3” criteria that would need to be met for me to even consider a woman to even date would be that they be Catholic, pro-life, and conservative. From here I don’t know what else I should seek. For me as a nerd and rock music fanatic I would LOVE to find someone who is the same or similar interests. Also someone at the same intellectual level? I’m not trying to sound arrogant but I think it might help to have someone you can relate to.

They definitely would have to be great around kids and someone who is holy and faithful (probably covered by the “Catholic” part). To avoid any messy complications I would try to avoid non-Catholics unless they were converting or considering it…don’t want to risk any future marriage and family.

What else should I be looking for?


#2

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:188088"]
I haven't put too much thought into this. For me physical beauty is mostly important, but things like body type don't really matter to me. Hair color, eye color, etc. and things like this also don't really matter (well, I should admit I like redheads :-D ).

I guess the "Big 3" criteria that would need to be met for me to even consider a woman to even date would be that they be Catholic, pro-life, and conservative. From here I don't know what else I should seek. For me as a nerd and rock music fanatic I would LOVE to find someone who is the same or similar interests. Also someone at the same intellectual level? I'm not trying to sound arrogant but I think it might help to have someone you can relate to.

They definitely would have to be great around kids and someone who is holy and faithful (probably covered by the "Catholic" part). To avoid any messy complications I would try to avoid non-Catholics unless they were converting or considering it...don't want to risk any future marriage and family.

What else should I be looking for?

[/quote]

Hi, there.

As a man who had married once in a natural marriage before he found the faith and a lovely new bride-to-be after becoming Catholic, I ask that you remove your corneas and laser-etch this advice into each set:

*Marry **only*** your best friend.

A best friend is a partner who tells you the good and the bad and stands with you. The best married couples are also the best of friends who can survive anything.

A spouse who is an active Catholic is wonderful. Body image does have a certain merit in so far as the prospective person shows a reasonable care for their own health (you should not consider those who are neither overly caring of their physical appearance or too obsessed of their appearance, in my opinion).

Personal and common interests do go a long way, yes. My fiancee and I love science-fiction and share much there, and that's just a start. Political and social interests often follow close when two Catholics who follow the teachings of the Magisterium are involved. Thus, both of you let Catholic teaching define these opinions in general.

Humility helps a lot. My former spouse was a very bright individual but used her intellect to pommel those around her into giving her way on things. Know when to be charitable to your friend when they make a bone-headed mistake, and know that your friend will be charitable to you in kind for your occasional stupidity. :) Similarly, a person can be quite "book-smart" but not very "street-smart"--that is, intelligent but not wise in applying their knowledge. Life and marriage throw big curve balls at you. Look for a friend that not only can take a metaphysical punch, but works well with you as a partner in cushioning or diverting the blows. Again, faith in God helps a lot here.

A non-Catholic Christian that is close to you may be more accepting to understand the Catholic faith than one who has not found any religious path yet. Strive to find someone close to your immediate interests, but don't eliminate someone outright because of their faith if you can see they have an interest in what you believe--which strongly indicates that they have a strong interest in you.

Hopefully others here have some web sites or books they could suggest to help. Good luck, and God bless.


#3

I think this sounds like a pretty good start…but when you say the physical is important but then it isn’t…what does that mean? I know men are more visual creatures…but, not quite sure what you mean…

I also think you should not cut yourself short on finding someone who has the same interests…that can help you bond and become as the other poster said, best friends. Which is very important in a marriage.

Praying that you find peace in your journey towards her…


#4

Simply put, I look for a woman who gets me. The rest falls into place.

I have some non-negotiable as well. She must like dogs and baseball.
We’ve got to keep our priorities straight! :thumbsup:

IN all seriousness, don’t look for X or Y. Don’t have a list. Have one or two non-negotiables, like you do, and the it’ll be fine.


#5

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:188088"]
I haven't put too much thought into this. For me physical beauty is mostly important, but things like body type don't really matter to me. Hair color, eye color, etc. and things like this also don't really matter (well, I should admit I like redheads :-D ).

I guess the "Big 3" criteria that would need to be met for me to even consider a woman to even date would be that they be Catholic, pro-life, and conservative. From here I don't know what else I should seek. For me as a nerd and rock music fanatic I would LOVE to find someone who is the same or similar interests. Also someone at the same intellectual level? I'm not trying to sound arrogant but I think it might help to have someone you can relate to.

They definitely would have to be great around kids and someone who is holy and faithful (probably covered by the "Catholic" part). To avoid any messy complications I would try to avoid non-Catholics unless they were converting or considering it...don't want to risk any future marriage and family.

What else should I be looking for?

[/quote]

I would leave out your political stuff... that can change over time as one understands more about American politics... James Carville's wife is a raging political conservative and they have been married forever and a day it seems. Focus on your wife being Pro-Life though that may or may not mean she is a fiscal conservative. (We really need to get away from assuming that Fiscal Conservative = Moral Conservative because in reality it doesn't... that's why abortion is still legal after "conservatives" have been in power the majority of the time since RvW and Pro-Life is not the same thing as Anti-Abortion which most "conservatives" are in the political realm. Someone who is pro-life understands, like the Church teaches, that there is more to life than just saying "you can't have an abortion" then turn away and say "get a better job" when they can't feed their family) but I digress... (sorry pet peeve)...

Talking with a friend of mine, strong Catholic, and father of 2 daughters and 1 son (I just have boys) we kind of agreed on the following (since there was a big "I'm going to marry x" thing going on apparently in First grade).

  1. Find someone who is going to be a good mother
  2. Find someone can be your best friend and equal (intellectual level fits here)
  3. Find someone who shares your values (Catholic, Pro-Life, NFP etc...)

If you are Catholic you probably want children, look for someone who is going to help you have a happy and stable home to raise your children in. Find someone who love's Christ with whom you can teach your children about the Faith. And remember that eventually those children will be grown, so find someone who can be your best friend to listen, talk and do things with. If you find all those things... politics won't matter because political parties are always changing their message and values, physical beauty will come and go as well, Christ and your family should not.

If you find someone who you are very physically attracted to and fits everything else great! But don't go for physical beauty over any of the others would be my suggestion... a relationship based upon that only usually won't last.

Joe


#6

[quote="Rascalking, post:4, topic:188088"]
Simply put, I look for a woman who gets me. The rest falls into place.

I have some non-negotiable as well. She must like dogs and baseball.
We've got to keep our priorities straight! :thumbsup:

IN all seriousness, don't look for X or Y. Don't have a list. Have one or two non-negotiables, like you do, and the it'll be fine.

[/quote]

I agree, lists are for groceries, not spouses.


#7

Scripture tells you, in Proverbs 31:

When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls.

Her husband, entrusting his heart to her, has an unfailing prize.

She brings him good, and not evil, all the days of her life.

She obtains wool and flax and makes cloth with skillful hands.

Like merchant ships, she secures her provisions from afar.

She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household.

She picks out a field to purchase; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms.

She enjoys the success of her dealings; at night her lamp is undimmed.

She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle.

She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy.

She fears not the snow for her household; all her charges are doubly clothed.

She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing.

Her husband is prominent at the city gates as he sits with the elders of the land.

She makes garments and sells them, and stocks the merchants with belts.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel.

She watches the conduct of her household, and eats not her food in idleness.

Her children rise up and praise her; her husband, too, extols her:

“Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all.”

Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her a reward of her labors, and let her works praise her at the city gates.


#8

likes to cook + likes to save money = happy for life!


#9

Why conservative? If you mean orthodox, in the sense of sticking with the Magisterium instead of going rogue, then sure. But conservatism in a political sense or some such really doesn’t matter as much. Being 19th century is not a moral requirement. :wink:

From here I don’t know what else I should seek. For me as a nerd and rock music fanatic I would LOVE to find someone who is the same or similar interests. Also someone at the same intellectual level? I’m not trying to sound arrogant but I think it might help to have someone you can relate to.

It probably might, but don’t fall for the trap of simple comparison. You know, IQ doesn’t cover everything and neither does the ladder of formal education. Besides, sometimes unequal brainpower doesn’t kill it between people.

What else should I be looking for?

You already interpret Catholic in a wide way, so there’s little more to add. I can’t tell you what to like in a girl in terms of taste and at this point, we’d basically be talking about taste. :slight_smile: And taste doesn’t matter that much. People have fallen for people not their type.


#10

We all can list good qualities that we like in other people...but only you * know what is best for yourself and what *you should look for in a wife. A good characteristic might match well with one person but it is not necessarily good for another.


#11

Why conservative? If you mean orthodox, in the sense of sticking with the Magisterium instead of going rogue, then sure. But conservatism in a political sense or some such really doesn’t matter as much. Being 19th century is not a moral requirement. :wink:

Orthodox, yes. I just tend to hear the word “liberal” and think of “evil” (no offense to anyone).

It probably might, but don’t fall for the trap of simple comparison. You know, IQ doesn’t cover everything and neither does the ladder of formal education. Besides, sometimes unequal brainpower doesn’t kill it between people.

I agree.

You already interpret Catholic in a wide way, so there’s little more to add. I can’t tell you what to like in a girl in terms of taste and at this point, we’d basically be talking about taste. :slight_smile: And taste doesn’t matter that much. People have fallen for people not their type.

If I could find a Catholic rocker or punk, that would be awesome (as in “punk rocker”, etc.). Or someone who’s also really into the rock scene like I am, which would be a huge plus for me :smiley:


#12

How about her having a family you feel comfortable with and likewise for her to fit into your family?


#13

Liberals are too insane to be culpable! :stuck_out_tongue: Just kidding. :wink:

If I could find a Catholic rocker or punk, that would be awesome (as in “punk rocker”, etc.). Or someone who’s also really into the rock scene like I am, which would be a huge plus for me :smiley:

Connections like that are important, but you may well have more connection platforms than just that! However, when I was younger, I attached much more importance to particular hobbies to share. But you know what, not only are certain traits of character more important in general than that (you certainly don’t wanna miss the great girl who just doesn’t seem to be into the same kind of music), but also it could be quite refreshing (and interesting) to find someone with a *different *hobby, too.


#14

[quote="chevalier, post:13, topic:188088"]
Connections like that are important, but you may well have more connection platforms than just that! However, when I was younger, I attached much more importance to particular hobbies to share. But you know what, not only are certain traits of character more important in general than that (you certainly don't wanna miss the great girl who just doesn't seem to be into the same kind of music), but also it could be quite refreshing (and interesting) to find someone with a *different *hobby, too.

[/quote]

I can understand where you're coming from, but from my perspective it's more a matter of finding someone I can relate to in that regard since it's an important hobby of mine and since I, from my experience, have few people I can relate to in that regard as it is.


#15

I see. :slight_smile: Well, just saying, don’t close yourself to the girls who don’t share that hobby if they could get you interested in something else or bring some other valuable thing into your duo. :slight_smile: Besides, you could get her interested as time went… I doubt a girl who really cared about you wouldn’t care about your very important hobby, no, ladies?


#16

After a few years of marriage it is good for husbands and wives to have some hobbies that do not involve the other. a few hours a week: Knights, Golf, etc. As long as the hobbies are not an obsession and do not detract from the relationship.


#17

One of the big things I learned in my last relationship is that it is important to find someone with whom you can pray. I remember being embarrassed to ask my then girlfriend to pray with me, and it made me realize that I have to be able to pray with the person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life. I tried praying with her a few times, and it was awkward at first, and had the relationship continued, I bet it would have gotten better.

Anyway, now I’m discerning a vocation to the priesthood, so I guess all of this is moot, right? :smiley:


#18

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