What to do about her?


theres this girl i know whom i really like. but she has had (still having, i dont know) family problems, and thus has lead her to be very unpersonal. she has built up this wall around her so getting to know her on any meaningful level is almost impossible. i would really like to get to know her better/start courting but i don’t know how to ‘break’ the barrier. i know shes scared to get into anything and i obviously dont want to force her into anything but i owuld still like to go out with her. any sugestions?


Where and how often do you see her?


everyday at school…we talk lots but not a wholelot, we sit beside eachother in most classes. we even went to a school event ‘as a date’ but shes so barriered it really means nothing…were as with other girls, it would have definately meant something


I see what you mean. Well right now just being a good friend to her is your best bet. Since you are aware of this wall she’s behind you are wise not to try to move too soon. Do you know anything about her past, like is it relationships that have made her this way or just the family problems? Or both?


Beware of getting into any relationship at any time in your life with someone who is not ready. They may not be ready for many different types of reasons, but it doesn’t matter. You cannot fix them.

Dating is meant to help us find our future spouse. If one of the people has “baggage” and the other is constantly trying to “fix” them, there is not much time and energy left to devote to the things that really matter.

Just be a good friend to her and be a good example of a Christian. That will help her more than any date ever could. But be prepared to never see the fruits of your work. It may be 10 or 20 years from now when she realizes that you helped her.



the problem is even being a good friend to her is impossible. thats more the jist of my problem…id like to be good friends with her, and see if it leads to anything else. even her good friends are clueless with her, the barrier is so that i feel like im better friends with people i dont even talk to:p and definately will take it slow. shes never had a past relationship and most of her problemos leading to this barrier are family problems


Does she seem to like being friends with you?


I was once in a situation like yours. There’s really nothing you can do here – do not attempt to start a relationship with this woman. It would most likely end in disaster. If being her friend without having a relationship is too painful, you’ll have to back away. This will be painful…but you’ll have to back away from her eventually…and it will be painful no matter when it happens…


As a woman, I just have to second this. If you keep on pursuing her romantically, she will probably relent eventually, but if her heart isn’t in it, it just won’t be that great. If you have the guts, you could let her know you’re interested in her. Then after that I’d recommend never mentioning it again until you get some warm, interested vibes back from the girl. (which might never happen) Beware the myths about shy/broken-hearted girls falling hard and fast for the magic guy like in the movies. In real life, girls with emotional damage need ample time and space to figure out what they want.


I hope this doesn’t sound funny but I don’t understand your question. You described this woman as being “very unpersonal” and “getting to know her on any meaningful level is impossible”. You even said “being a good friend to her is impossible” and “her own friends are clueless with her” I am not sure why anyone would be so strongly interested in dating someone like that.

Were you close to her and then she backed off? Or is this someone you have a strong physical attraction to and would like to date her? You mentioned attending an event…was it a romantic occassion?

Please pray and find out why you are so determined to date this woman and so attracted to her. Then pray for her. You have not described one appealing quality about her as someone to date at this time. She sounds like a very troubled person and in all likelyhood needs prayers and counseling.

It sounds like you are a very caring person. While I think Christ wants us to be compassionate and help others…he also does not want us to waste our time/talents/energy where it cannot help. Please pray for help in discerning what your role is here. Hope this helps.


Feanro’s Wife gave you good advice.


Very good advice, too, IMHO. Pray for wisdom. It also struck me as odd how your description of this young lady really wasn’t all that glowing. You would be prudent to explore your reasons for being interested in someone you describe in such unflattering terms.

I also suggest doing a lot of reading up on what the Catholic Church has to say about love (even if you have already). When you’re young or inexperienced it is easy to mistake feelings of affection and charity for feelings of romantic attraction. I’ve been there, done that!


i dont think i gave a fair interpretation of her. she is a very sweet outgoing talkative, gorgeous (of course:D ) young lady and most people would find nothing wrong with her. its just on a deeper level its absolutely impossible to communicate with her. no matter what you say or how hard you try the conversation is always led to small talk. this isnt your typical guy-saves-crazy-depressed-girl-and-they-fall-happily-in-love-the-end …I like her because of all her endearing qualities but when i try to take this ‘liking’ to another level, its near impossible.:mad:


Please don’t try to minimize that this woman is “shallow” (sorry, couldn’t think of a more kind word) and will only engage in small talk. This is very important. Becoming closer to a person involves letting others “in” and gradually talking about deeper issues. She will not and this is a huge red-flag please do not ignore this.

You are likely frustrated because she is gorgeous, and her qualities so far are very appealing to you. But please take a step back. When you say it is “nearly impossible to take this “liking” to another level” What you are saying is…she is not interested in a deeper relationship…PERIOD.

Now the reasons behind it may be vast, she may need counseling, she may have emotional problems, or in her heart; she may not feel you are someone she is interested in getting closer to.

Whatever the reason my original advice is the same. Please pray in order to find out why you are so determined to date this woman despite all she has shown you. Please remember too that this may be hard and make you very sad. Remember that Christ loves you and is there for your disappointments. Think about redemptive suffering and remember you can offer up your sadness from letting go of your hopes and dreams and unite them to Christ’s sufferings. Hang in there, hope this helps a little.


Ok, now I’m getting a completely different impression of her. Does she limit all people to a shallow level of conversation, or just you? Does she express interest in other guys? Does she confide in anybody at all?

You guys are pretty young, right? Maybe the fact that her home life is unpleasant makes her reluctant to talk much about herself and what’s important to her. I did that with my friends when I was going through a really rough time at home–I just didn’t say much about myself because there was nothing happy to share and I didn’t want to bring others down or talk badly about the person in my family who was giving me so much grief.

Is she of the same faith as you, too? A lot of people don’t confide much in friends who don’t have the same worldview. I don’t talk much about my dreams and goals to my non-Catholic friends, for example.


we’re both catholic :thumbsup: And yes she limits all people to this level. i was talking to one of her friends who said she opened up once and they all thought she was going crazy:p she confides a little in people, myself included, but very miniscule things, not big things like future plans or what not. and who knows if she expresses interest in guys, ive been getting so many signals, but with her it could mean diddly squat just because thats the way she is :confused:


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