What to do if your children's favorite Uncle is totally into Porn?


#1

Yep. Just like the thread title says. He’s a great Uncle… totally into my children sending them presents and taking an interest in their lives. He lives across the country so it’s not like we see him very often but he keeps in contact and my kids really like him because he’s the “cool” Uncle and he lives this fast paced totally “cool” life. Since Facebook he’s able to take an even greater interest in their lives.

But there is the porn issue. He was ALWAYS - as far back as I can remember, into porn. That wasn’t such a big deal to my very secular, non-Christian family… but fast forward all these years and it’s light years away from what I am about now. I know he goes to strip clubs and he subscribes to porn magazines (his wife told me she gives them to him for Christmas of all things… :eek:) His own grown children post the most disgusting things on Facebook … seriously, I just clicked on a link my nephew posted in his status and it was disgusting porn. I’m freaked that it somehow downloaded that garbage onto my computer. My children are NOT friends w/ his kids on Facebook for that reason.

OK - so here’s my question. I have beautiful daughters who are growing into lovely young ladies and it sickens me to think that he might be imagining them in any other way then the wholesome girls they are. What are the chances of that? I ask because he sometimes comments about how “mature” my older one looks… and how I shouldn’t be suprised if 30 something year old men look at her because she’s so developed. How gross is that? Do you think that’s the influence of porn on his brain that he would even say that or is that just a random comment that I’m taking too far?

I’m tempted to cut him right out of my life. The thing is … I’m the only “extended” family he has… his mother and father are both dead… no other sibblings. He has said repeatedly that he is so happy I’m in his life. But the creep factor is there…

What would you do? And having a conversation about this is soooo out of the question… God/Religion/Church/Jesus/Holiness is soooooooooooooo far from what we grew up with. He thinks I’m sort of a nut job for caring about any of that and has jokingly said so… :frowning:


#2

I think that you're right to be cautious and I would definitely limit the amount of time he spends with your daughters. My BIL is also into porn, strippers, and sex workers and finding that out was a bit of a shock and really made me keep a closer eye on him around my children. I guess I am coming from a totally different background than him but I have to think that treating women with disdain will filter into the way he treats everybody. If the guy you're talking about sees beautiful woman as objects for use I wouldn't think that your girls would be exempt.


#3

I second the above poster. Porn changes the way men look at women. Even after I gave it up, it took some time for me to start seeing women as beautiful daughters and mothers, not just objects that I can check out, compare, etc. It utterly disgusts me now to think of the thoughts I routinely had back then. Does this guy see your daughters as objects? My money says yes, even if he tries as hard as he can not to see them that way, and even if he also feels a great deal of wholly platonic love and affection for them.

Now, one thing to think about is whether this should really bug you that much. My money also says that most men see women this way–most men look at porn, after all. I certainly understand an added creepiness when its a relative, but its not as if you can keep men from seeing your daughters this way at all.

One important thing, I think, is to educate your daughters on how men are–particularly with teaching them to dress so as to minimize this, and to be aware of it in their male peers. Good luck!


#4

I wouldn't cut him out of your life but just monitor time spent with your kids. It sounds like his attitudes have rubbed off on his own kids which isn't a good sign.


#5

Cut your kids off from talking so much. That's a gamble you don't want to take with your kids and certainly a poor example. Kids have enough to worry about, least of all should they have to worry about family getting them into sexual natured discussions.

The mature comment was out of bounds, by the way. I would have said that to him right then and there.


#6

This is exactly what I was wondering. I lead a fairly sheltered life… maybe lots of men are into porn… even men at church and seemingly upstanding fathers of my children’s friends? Sadly, that might just be the way the world “is” and I would hate to cut off my brother because he’s just doing what everyone does…

I guess I don’t want to come off as holier than thou because back in the day when I was younger, especially a teenager, I would’ve semed like the sort of person you would NOT have wanted your children around. But I was a good person inside… and I think my brother is a good person inside. I just hate that porn thing. Hate it like crazy.


#7

[quote="yellowbird, post:6, topic:180292"]
This is exactly what I was wondering. I lead a fairly sheltered life.. maybe lots of men are into porn.. even men at church and seemingly upstanding fathers of my children's friends? Sadly, that might just be the way the world "is" and I would hate to cut off my brother because he's just doing what everyone does..

I guess I don't want to come off as holier than thou because back in the day when I was younger, especially a teenager, I would've semed like the sort of person you would NOT have wanted your children around. But I was a good person inside... and I think my brother is a good person inside. I just hate that porn thing. Hate it like crazy.

[/quote]

Do not cut off your brother, but he must be called out for the sickness that he has fallen into!

You will be doing him a favor, as sexual impulses are one thing, but to even suggest that his nieces should be viewed in a sexual manner is pure evil!!!! That crosses the line, way bad!!!!

You are called by Jesus to Holiness, not acceptance of evil. Jesus taught us; "Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division;" (Lk 12:51)
**
"While he was still speaking to the people, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. But he replied to the man who told him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, "
Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother, and sister, and mother." **(Mt 12:46-50)

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark


#8

[quote="yellowbird, post:1, topic:180292"]
Yep. Just like the thread title says. He's a great Uncle... totally into my children sending them presents and taking an interest in their lives. He lives across the country so it's not like we see him very often but he keeps in contact and my kids really like him because he's the "cool" Uncle and he lives this fast paced totally "cool" life. Since Facebook he's able to take an even greater interest in their lives.

.... I have beautiful daughters who are growing into lovely young ladies and it sickens me to think that he might be imagining them in any other way then the wholesome girls they are. What are the chances of that? I ask because he sometimes comments about how "mature" my older one looks.. and how I shouldn't be suprised if 30 something year old men look at her because she's so developed. How gross is that? Do you think that's the influence of porn on his brain that he would even say that or is that just a random comment that I'm taking too far?

I'm tempted to cut him right out of my life. The thing is ... I'm the only "extended" family he has... his mother and father are both dead.. no other sibblings. He has said repeatedly that he is so happy I'm in his life. But the creep factor is there...

What would you do? And having a conversation about this is soooo out of the question.. God/Religion/Church/Jesus/Holiness is soooooooooooooo far from what we grew up with. He thinks I'm sort of a nut job for caring about any of that and has jokingly said so... :(

[/quote]

My "Creep Factor Radar" went up for me after reading the first paragraph.

Maybe I mis-understood the family relationship. Do you mean "great uncle" as in "terrific" uncle ----or "great-uncle" meaning the uncle of one's parents? Is this your brother or BIL or a more distant relation?

My children have a relative with this problem too. I don't know the extent of his sexual adiction, but I heard enough that I never leave my children alone with him. We haven't cut him out, but I use caution.

I advise you to use caution. Monitor his communication with your children--including his facebook interactions with your children closely. Don't leave your children alone with him. Make sure your children know they can come to you if anything weird ever happens or if they simply feel uncomfortable with something he says or does.

While you say talking to him is out of the question, if you do decide to cut him out of your life, let him know why. Since his wife puts up (and subscribes:eek:) with his porn, he hasn't yet had to face the choice of porn vs. family. If he really values having you in his life that he does risk loosing you because of his porn.

Porn breakdowns sexual barriers--barriers that help provide security for the family and safety for children. Pedophilia and incest are sexual barriers that some people cross.


#9

Great meaning terrific… in the sense that he really seems to love my kids and take an interest in their life/ my life. He is my 1/2 brother. The sad thing is the rest of my family is so disfunctionally pathetic… nobody else cares about my kids in the least and only has contact with us because I maintain that contact. My other family members could honestly not pick my children out of a crowd. My 1/2 brother knows what music they like, what size clothes they wear, when their b-days are, what they’re doing in school, etc. etc. Other than the porn thing and the fact that he is soooooooooo not a Christian, he’s a good, upstanding sort of guy who would literally drop everything and fly across the country if I needed him. If I ditched him, I’d have no other family relation I could say that of. (Thank GOD for my husband, his family and my children!)

I wasn’t nearly creeped out by him until my girls started to mature and he’s noticed and commented. I guess my basic question is it such a leap that someone so into porn would also be into teenage girls who are related to them? And I’m thinking it’s not such a leap?

It’s hard living in a sinful world, isnt’ it? :frowning:


#10

[quote="yellowbird, post:9, topic:180292"]
..
It's hard living in a sinful world, isnt' it? :(

[/quote]

not really, everyone is the same. pretty much either you believe or you dont.
nobodys perfect. just try to make the best decision possible and move forward.
its just porn. be same thing if he was on drugs.

are you worried about him liking your daughters sexualy?:confused:


#11

[quote="yellowbird, post:1, topic:180292"]

OK - so here's my question. I have beautiful daughters who are growing into lovely young ladies and it sickens me to think that he might be imagining them in any other way then the wholesome girls they are. What are the chances of that? I ask because he sometimes comments about how "mature" my older one looks.. and how I shouldn't be suprised if 30 something year old men look at her because she's so developed. How gross is that? Do you think that's the influence of porn on his brain that he would even say that or is that just a random comment that I'm taking too far?

I'm tempted to cut him right out of my life. The thing is ... I'm the only "extended" family he has... his mother and father are both dead.. no other sibblings. He has said repeatedly that he is so happy I'm in his life. But the creep factor is there...

What would you do? And having a conversation about this is soooo out of the question.. God/Religion/Church/Jesus/Holiness is soooooooooooooo far from what we grew up with. He thinks I'm sort of a nut job for caring about any of that and has jokingly said so... :(

[/quote]

I wouldn't trust him alone with your daughters! Since this is a family member, I don't think you should necessarily cut him off completely. But I wouldn't trust him alone with your daughters! Yes, porn consumption changes your values and thinking. I wouldn't trust him alone with your daughters!

There is an extremely disturbing trend of teenage girls allowing themselves to be videotaped naked or performing sex acts by boyfriends or even perfect strangers. These videos are then posted on thousands of pornographic websites for the whole world to see. He might not be involved in this type of thing, but I can guarantee you that he is watching somebody's young daughter on that computer, and men don't just sit there and look either..... if ya know what I mean!
:eek:

I wouldn't trust this guy alone with your daughter. I would be checking his bathroom for hidden webcams if you take your family to go visit him as well. His comments about your daughter being "developed" sent my creep alarm off.
:cool:


#12

The bulk of internet porn these days features teenage girls and is shot by amateurs with -and -or without their knowledge or consent! The fact that she is a relative might hold a little value with him… maybe. But you may have heard the old saying about a stiff (unmentionable) having no conscience is true. Keep him away from your daughters unless you are present.


#13

You’ve given good advice that I plan to take. Thank you so much.


#14

This whole comment about your daughters developing etc.. is really creepy. As a 25yr old guy, I dont even here those kinds of comments from my pervy friends because they would know it would sound extremely inappropriate (even for them!).

Based on what you have told us, it sounds like this guy does care for your daughters. But just keep in mind that it doesnt mean he isnt capable of sexually fantazing about them, or potentially making a move sometime in the future. We would THINK that a guy who cares for your daughters would find such an idea repulsive... but alas we are captives to sin and do the things we hate. So while this guy probably does care about your daughters, this does not rule out the idea that he is thinking about them sexually also.

Did you ever confront him about the whole developing comment? I would call him out on that. I would also ask that your daughters defriend him from facebook or at the very least limit the activity they see from him. Who knows, he may update his status with another porn link and lead your daughters to clicking on it. If he wants to be in communication with your daughters he can always email them.

just my two cents.


#15

If many people think like this, it’s pretty scary.
“Just porn”?
Porn is a new thing in society, and is destroying it, destroying families. Boys in previous decades kept Playboy magazines or even underwear catalogs under their mattresses, my own sons had R rated comics (I found out later). But nothing like the internet, where you can click and see live action stuff.
My suggestion is that your daughters take this uncle off their Facebook, and that you tell him why. If no one ever tells him that this is wrong, how will he know?
It’s not a question of coming off as holier than thou. You have standards and want to protect your daughters. Would you want to find out in ten years that he had initiated them into porn sites on the internet? Or molested them during a visit? Be a little assertive. He’s the one who should be ashamed of himself.
God bless.


#16

Hi there,

This is a difficult situation. However, porn does desensitise men and there is a phenomena known as escalation. This means that the person has to keep seeking increasing levels of porn as it becomes less exciting. This can lead to crossing boundaries. One thing that those who work in the area of Child Sex Abuse are aware of is what is called 'grooming'. A man will provide toys, fun, opportunities and will become trusted by the child and by the child's family. They will know all kinds of details about the child and their family and this is interpreted as showing an interest and being kind. The real goal - whether conscious or not is to get access to the child. I'm sorry but an uncle knowing the dress sizes of his neices and commenting on their physical develeopment is out of the ordinary and would make me very vigilant around him. I have a student who was sexually assaulted by her uncle, she misinterpreted his interest as being a kind, friendly uncle. I also experienced an uncle of mine running his hand up under my skirt when I was younger. Very unpleasant - although I was an adult at the time - I don't know what I would have done as a child......I was lucky that my husband was in the house.

God Bless


#17

[quote="yellowbird, post:6, topic:180292"]
This is exactly what I was wondering. I lead a fairly sheltered life.. maybe lots of men are into porn.. even men at church and seemingly upstanding fathers of my children's friends? Sadly, that might just be the way the world "is" and I would hate to cut off my brother because he's just doing what everyone does..

I guess I don't want to come off as holier than thou because back in the day when I was younger, especially a teenager, I would've semed like the sort of person you would NOT have wanted your children around. But I was a good person inside... and I think my brother is a good person inside. I just hate that porn thing. Hate it like crazy.

[/quote]

I think the quote went something like this, "Love your neighbor as yourself", (but you don't have to tolerate their actions) Tolerance has gotten this world into a bundle of trouble. Don't fall for it.


#18

And then we talk about self responsibility. I have never, never understood how men can excuse themselves “because they are men” in how they view women. “Most men”? look at porn? Where are your statistics, sources? Give me a break. “Some” men view women as objects because society has said it is okay to view them in that way, particularly in Western culture. It’s not a “gene” thing, but an indoctrination factor. If I had a male relative such as the OP describes, I would run with my whole family to the nearest Church. Never would I knowlingly let my daughter/s be exposed to such sickness.


#19

Does Porn change the way men look at women?
Just ask the late Ted Bundy.


#20

[quote="yellowbird, post:1, topic:180292"]

I'm tempted to cut him right out of my life. The thing is ... I'm the only "extended" family he has... his mother and father are both dead.. no other sibblings. He has said repeatedly that he is so happy I'm in his life. But the creep factor is there...

What would you do? And having a conversation about this is soooo out of the question.. God/Religion/Church/Jesus/Holiness is soooooooooooooo far from what we grew up with. He thinks I'm sort of a nut job for caring about any of that and has jokingly said so... :(

[/quote]

My favorite uncle, who was also my Catholic GODfather was also totally into porn. Now that I'm a parent of a little girl, I think it would have been the right thing to remove him from our lives. As it was, he removed himself.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.