What To Do - Marriage


#1

Im in need of some advice.

Im currently in a marriage that is on the verge of ending and this is something I want to avoid. Heres some back story

I met my wife Mara in 2006. We met and fell in love very quickly. I knew she was the one because most of my girlfriends didnt last past week 2. We just clicked. I begun a sentence and she finished it basically. The first 2 - 3 months were INCREDIBLE. Best time of my life. I cant think of a better time. I realized I wanted to be with her forever and proposed to her. She said Yes :slight_smile: I was SO HAPPY. Things were going AMAZING until she got pregnant. Then we went into a nose dive. I wanted to have the child but she was scared to death and chose a abortion. I fought so hard to convince her and even threatened to never see her again but in the end she got a abortion. I still loved her so we stayed together but things were never the same. They were still good and happy at times. We got married and moved to upstate NY. From there things went up and down.

She kept running into problems. First the business she had she sold to her partner who stole the money from her and never paid her the money he owed. 2. She told me after a few months of being engaged (after abortion) that her uncle touched her in places she doesnt want to think of (a few years ago). 3. She got arrested in NC for trespassing (I was present - we werent trespassing, but some hotel we booked refused to give us our money back and called the police) 4. I urged her for 2 years to go into the Navy (i couldnt medical discharge) so we can make some money… but before she went I didnt want to loose her (had a fear she wouldnt be the same after) and changed my mind and she came back home. When she did she was a different person. She had a negative outlook on life, not because of The Navy but because she never could complete it and to this day resents me for it.

So where our we now… in a bad bad place.

We moved back to NYC March 2010 because we both lost our jobs. Moved in with her mom and tried to get back on our feet. Things didnt go well there. She felt she was a failure and it kept building. She went and returned from the Navy in November 2010. From there things got worse. Our fights became very big. We didnt spend New Years together. I noticied she was very distant with me. Her explanation… she blamed me for the Navy and cant forgive me. A few weeks later she became more distant. She started to hide her feelings and started behaving funny (coming home very late from work with ‘I was sitting in my car thinking’ excuses. She would spent our days off together by herself. She would shut off her phone for hours at a stretch. She would keep things from me like a guy texting her from work. Our sex life basically died. It was bad to begin with (since the abortion or when she told me her uncle touched) we had it rarely, but now it was weeks and weeks. I knew something was up, but everytime I asked if she was cheating she always said NO.

On May 31 2011 I approached her… when she came home very late again (with her phone off)… and questioned where she was… she lied saying she was home at 1 when I know she came home at 2:20. I Lied to her saying my mom hired a private investigator and told her he has something to tell me. She immediately told me she is seeing this guy, but only twice so far and all they did was kiss. I didnt beleive her cause she met him in January and it was April… and she silenced her phone on more than 2 occasions. I broke down. Never had I thought she would do this to me. I cried. I locked myself in a room to separate myself from her… she called the police and they kicked me out. I was stunned. I took a day, tried to move on with life but couldnt… broke down at work… realized I still love her. So I called her. I tried to resolve our problems but she wanted time apart.

I had a feeling that if we separated it was going to be over… so I went to her work… and convinced her Ill give her space but lets still live with one another. Im sorry to say I begged her to come back. I did everything. Got a apartment… got 2 additional jobs (3 total… etc. We been living together for 1 1/2 months now and things are getting worse.

I keep trying to repair it to talk it out, try to convince her to go to a counselor. I try to be intimate with her but she doesnt want to be. The last few weeks things have been getting worse… More fights. She doesnt want to talk or discuss anything basically. She doesnt want a counselor. She wants to be left alone. She took off her wedding ring (gave me the excuse that its loose) but finally told me she took it off cause shes confused. I dont trust her. I am suspicious of everything she does. I try to act like it dont bother me, but it does. She tells me she loves me… I dont respond back, cause deep down I dont know if I do anymore.

Shes super depressive. Talking about ‘hoping the world ends so we all die’. She hates everyone and everything. Doesnt want a child. Doesnt want anything. Hates all.

I need my old Mara back. Im thinking of just ending it all and finding someone else. I just dont want to do the wrong thing. It doesnt look like she will ever get better or seek help.

What do I do

(Thanks for reading all this lol)


#2

I am sooooo sorry that you are going through this horrible time. Today, I posted a different marriage story, but bad marriage story none the less. I have to leave, but I will respond to you again in a bit. I will add you to my prayers too.


#3

I feel so sorry for your situation after reading your story. I don't know what to say to ease your mind but I believe in you taking your case before the Sacred heart of Jesus. Open your heart to him, tell him all.
Pray to him for peace in your home.
Also ask the Blessed Virgin Mary to intercede for you.
May God in his infinite mercy hear your prayers. AMEN.


#4

I have 2 words for you: marriage counseling.

If she won't go with you, then you go alone. You two have some serious issues and you need a professional to help you through them.


#5

I agree with the other posters. This problem is too personal and complex for us to offer specific advice on this forum. It is best left to professionals. Seek a marriage counselor- preferably Catholic, and ask your wife to go with you. If she flat out refuses, then go on your own. At the same time, pray for your marriage. If it helps, seek out your parish priest and get some spiritual advice. My prayers are with you and your wife.


#6

Hi JeanNYGUARD,
After thinking about your post, I have several things I would like to tell you. I had someone post on my marriage thread that this forum probably wasn't the place for this too, and I understand that, but I disagree. I am sure this is affecting you in everyway, especially spiritually. It seems like you want to honor your vows and don't believe in divorce. I am with you on that. I believe that you are trying to garner information to make the best decision you can, and you are also trying to stay within your spiritual beliefs. Which makes this the perfect place to seek advice YOU cannot make your wife do anything she doesn't want to do. You can't love her enough into doing anything she doesn't want to do. She has some major sexual abuse issues that she hasn't dealt with. She is losing control of herself if she is talking that negatively. I am sure she is not happy with how she is treating you and what her actions are doing to your marriage. It doesn't seem that she can remain true to herself, much less to you. She has to want better for herself. She will not get better until she admits her problems and receives help for them. She will never be able to meet your needs until she can fix her own problems. She doesn't appear to have the same respect for the covenant of marriage that you do. She is making her choices and they are taking her away from you. Remain loving. Be true to yourself. Be there for her, but draw your boundary lines and make them known to her. Pray for her. Really pray for her. That is all you can really do. I am so sorry that you are in this pain. Prayers coming your way.


#7

JeanNYGUARD,

You have my prayers for this really rough time. Might I recommend the Chaplet of Divine Mercy to you? Through praying it God has worked much healing in my life. You can find it at ewtn.com/devotionals/mercy/dmmap.htm

I agree that professional and spiritual help is needed. You might also consider that Mara may be suffering emotional and other effects of the abortion (sometimes called post-abortion syndrome). She may not even realize or may not be willing to admit that her depressive state, coldness to you, etc. could be related to her abortion experience and trying to live with it (or shut it out). Many women regret their abortions and go through things you are describing. Check out these websites:
www.abortionchangesyou.com
www.hopeafterabortion.com (this is associated with Project Rachel for post-abortive women, and there is Project Joseph for men who have lost a child in abortion)

I think you need to do the best you can to help Mara find help and healing. At your wedding you said you would love her in sickness and health, good times and bad. This is the time when you should especially work to live the vows you made. Love is not a matter of mere feelings. It is a choice, a choice to love even if it is hard. Don't give up on her. Help her first and foremost for her sake, out of love for her, not just because you want her back the way she was.

In order to love her you need to pray, and often. Go to a Catholic Church and spend time with Jesus in the Eucharist. He will help you. Pray for her too. If she is closed off to you and won't let you help her, ask God to open her heart. He can reach places we can't and oftentimes in ways we wouldn't expect. If Mara becomes willing to seek help and healing, support her through it. It will be hard, but in the end it will make your marriage so much better than it ever was before.

If she refuses and ends up leaving, then you need to keep praying for her to your dying day. Don't go out searching for someone else. Your wife is still your wife even if she is unfaithful. You need to be faithful to your vows, even if she isn't. In this case, your prayers for Mara will be your fidelity and may be the means through which she is ultimately saved. This will be tough, but God will help you and transform you through this. You will learn how to truly love and you will grow closer and closer to God. In God you will find your fulfillment and ultimate joy, whether she stays or not, and that, my brother, is infinitely worthwhile.

Christ will help you carry this cross and bring great good out of it. Let Him help you, just as you want Mara to allow you to help her. You have my prayers!


#8

I don’t really have much advice but sometimes even strong people give in to depression, they start acting irrationally, “it isn’t they,” or they aren’t themselves when hurting others and so on (while primarily it’s they who are suffering). Can you get her to go to any sort of counselling? In my prayers.


#9

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. Your wife's behavior is very consistent with unresolved past sexual abuse. The sexual promiscuity before marriage and lack of sex after marriage, the abortion, the affair, the blaming others, all of it.

Before you got married, did you discuss the premarital sex, past abuse and unconsented abortion together with your priest? There should have been extensive counseling before you got married with these issues involved. With proper counseling these issues may still be able to be fixed, both you and your wife can feel a lot better. She is thinking right now that the counseling will be an attack on her, make her feel worse. She thinks it is for your benefit. The reality is that it will help her tremendously. Right now she is afraid and is hurting you and herself to avoid dealing with the situation. Satan is still hurting her, it is all connected to that abuse. Bring it out into the light and it will be healed. You need to help stop satan from hurting her further. First talk to a priest about all of this and take his advice on how best to help your wife. Although you need to stand up and take action to help her, you need help on how to do it, you are not equipped to do it on your own.

Prayers for you and your wife.


#10

Prayers for you and your wife…


closed #11

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