Im in need of some advice.
Im currently in a marriage that is on the verge of ending and this is something I want to avoid. Heres some back story
I met my wife Mara in 2006. We met and fell in love very quickly. I knew she was the one because most of my girlfriends didnt last past week 2. We just clicked. I begun a sentence and she finished it basically. The first 2 - 3 months were INCREDIBLE. Best time of my life. I cant think of a better time. I realized I wanted to be with her forever and proposed to her. She said Yes I was SO HAPPY. Things were going AMAZING until she got pregnant. Then we went into a nose dive. I wanted to have the child but she was scared to death and chose a abortion. I fought so hard to convince her and even threatened to never see her again but in the end she got a abortion. I still loved her so we stayed together but things were never the same. They were still good and happy at times. We got married and moved to upstate NY. From there things went up and down.
She kept running into problems. First the business she had she sold to her partner who stole the money from her and never paid her the money he owed. 2. She told me after a few months of being engaged (after abortion) that her uncle touched her in places she doesnt want to think of (a few years ago). 3. She got arrested in NC for trespassing (I was present - we werent trespassing, but some hotel we booked refused to give us our money back and called the police) 4. I urged her for 2 years to go into the Navy (i couldnt medical discharge) so we can make some money… but before she went I didnt want to loose her (had a fear she wouldnt be the same after) and changed my mind and she came back home. When she did she was a different person. She had a negative outlook on life, not because of The Navy but because she never could complete it and to this day resents me for it.
So where our we now… in a bad bad place.
We moved back to NYC March 2010 because we both lost our jobs. Moved in with her mom and tried to get back on our feet. Things didnt go well there. She felt she was a failure and it kept building. She went and returned from the Navy in November 2010. From there things got worse. Our fights became very big. We didnt spend New Years together. I noticied she was very distant with me. Her explanation… she blamed me for the Navy and cant forgive me. A few weeks later she became more distant. She started to hide her feelings and started behaving funny (coming home very late from work with ‘I was sitting in my car thinking’ excuses. She would spent our days off together by herself. She would shut off her phone for hours at a stretch. She would keep things from me like a guy texting her from work. Our sex life basically died. It was bad to begin with (since the abortion or when she told me her uncle touched) we had it rarely, but now it was weeks and weeks. I knew something was up, but everytime I asked if she was cheating she always said NO.
On May 31 2011 I approached her… when she came home very late again (with her phone off)… and questioned where she was… she lied saying she was home at 1 when I know she came home at 2:20. I Lied to her saying my mom hired a private investigator and told her he has something to tell me. She immediately told me she is seeing this guy, but only twice so far and all they did was kiss. I didnt beleive her cause she met him in January and it was April… and she silenced her phone on more than 2 occasions. I broke down. Never had I thought she would do this to me. I cried. I locked myself in a room to separate myself from her… she called the police and they kicked me out. I was stunned. I took a day, tried to move on with life but couldnt… broke down at work… realized I still love her. So I called her. I tried to resolve our problems but she wanted time apart.
I had a feeling that if we separated it was going to be over… so I went to her work… and convinced her Ill give her space but lets still live with one another. Im sorry to say I begged her to come back. I did everything. Got a apartment… got 2 additional jobs (3 total… etc. We been living together for 1 1/2 months now and things are getting worse.
I keep trying to repair it to talk it out, try to convince her to go to a counselor. I try to be intimate with her but she doesnt want to be. The last few weeks things have been getting worse… More fights. She doesnt want to talk or discuss anything basically. She doesnt want a counselor. She wants to be left alone. She took off her wedding ring (gave me the excuse that its loose) but finally told me she took it off cause shes confused. I dont trust her. I am suspicious of everything she does. I try to act like it dont bother me, but it does. She tells me she loves me… I dont respond back, cause deep down I dont know if I do anymore.
Shes super depressive. Talking about ‘hoping the world ends so we all die’. She hates everyone and everything. Doesnt want a child. Doesnt want anything. Hates all.
I need my old Mara back. Im thinking of just ending it all and finding someone else. I just dont want to do the wrong thing. It doesnt look like she will ever get better or seek help.
What do I do
(Thanks for reading all this lol)