What to do re: love


#21

[quote="Havard, post:18, topic:190684"]
Hmm. Well, I think that sometimes, almost contrary to our own sensibilities, we may love someone for perhaps even a long time, but we do not allow ourselves to recognize this until life forces it upon us. At times this may appear to us as jarring as falling into an open manhole. But I do agree that the choice to love (eros) does not 'suddenly happen'. Even in the case I described, however carefully we may have hidden our motivations from ourselves, the choices were still built up over time.

[/quote]

And some of us have to take what we can get.... or hunt down. :D


#22

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:17, topic:190684"]

As for reinventing **myself I am trying to be more confident (she knows about this problem and has given me advice on being more confident) **and I'm trying to be more responsible. But I have no idea why she doesn't like me and I don't think I should bother asking.

And after reading the rest of the posts here I feel that maybe I should abandon my efforts to date her and focus on only being her friend. I just wish dating and relationships weren't so ambiguous and tough.

[/quote]

Ouch, never tell that to a woman you want to impress. Don't ask her for advice about how to be confident, that is extremely unattractive (at least to me). Definitely don't let her think you're irresponsible.

Play up your manliness, fake confidence. Are you hot (as in great shape/muscular, well dressed, smell good)? If not, work on that, that goes a very long way. Do you have a lot of things going on in your life in terms of work/research opportunities/sports/extracurriculars/volunteering? If not, get involved, makes you hotter.

For the time being, you should not hope that she will date you. You told her your feelings only a month ago, when she already knew you and she said she wasn't interested. It's possible that she might become interested one day, but I personally wouldn't count on that. I'd focus on becoming an irresistible guy and meeting other women. If it happens with this one, it happens, but you have to be prepared that it won't.


#23

Umm…I do not think I would want to be involved with anyone that was fake…:confused:
If I fall in love with someone, it better be that person, not someone they were playing to be at the end of the day. I mean I understand getting to confidence to approach a women…but to fake stuff is never a good idea. It leads to hurt on both ends…


#24

Faking confidence is not the same as say lying about having been married, it’s just the way you present yourself. Maybe I want to slouch but I make myself sit straight and stand tall because I know that good posture makes me look more presentable.

It’s like showering and putting on makeup or going to another room to fart. No, it’s not the natural state, but it definitely makes me look better and smell nicer.

It’s really not a good idea for a man to frequently tell a woman about how he has all these insecurities and issues with confidence, much less ask her how to fix that. You can only really do that if you do it semi-rarely, and if you have a lot of strong/confident/manly stuff to balance it.

There really needs to be a balance, and you also have to be really careful about how you share these things. It’s not good to say “help me be confident”, that is something you say to a psychiatrist not a woman you want to fall for you.

I’m not saying he can’t recover from it, I’m not saying he can never tell her how he really feels. His deep thoughts about life and worries can be shared in their intimate conversations. He shouldn’t ask her to help him fix his insecurities though, because that turns it from a conversation of sharing to the job of a professional psychiatrist/psychologist.

It’s just a matter of balance. He does have to share his insecurities to seem human and sensitive, but not so much so that he seems weak and unreliable. I’m obviously speaking from my own preference, but for me it’s an absolute must that a man seems strong, like he can withstand things and succeed at life. In considering a man as my partner, one of the first things would be is this someone I can depend on, who has the capacity to fight his way through difficulty, to support me, fight for me etc. That is the role of a man in my opinion. If he seems too weak and insecure, I wouldn’t feel like I could count on him and that would destroy the attraction.


#25

A bit of bad advice from someone that went through something like this.

Give it up, continue to be friends if you like, but it is not likely she sees you as the "alpha male" desirable to her. I hate that term that someone used on another thread. But there is some truth about it. Women seem to double talk sometimes. Like men that hold out for the perfectly groomed, "hot" babe, women do something similar. Your best bet would be to let her go in that way. For both of your sake limit your contact. These bonds only lead to greater heart ache. And as the kind of male you want the "idea" Catholic woman as your bride. But not everything is as it seems.

I was crazy about a girl in a similar relationship. Her father was a deacon and her mom the Director of Liturgy and Music (choir leader really) They looked like the perfect catholic family. She put me up on a shelf convenient at her beck and call. Ultimately she blew me off and I realized she was playing me all those years growing up. She flirted and did all those girl things that attract men... those subtle indicators to lure her mates. I was a fool and fell for it. Ultimately I went to the seminary. I returned and met another girl, her high school competition coincidentally. I found out from her that the girl I had the crush on was like that and did that to a lot of other guys. She had a reputation for being a "tease". (my wife just walked in smiling or rather laughing at me for being up so late - I'm ripping CDs for her iPhone). After wasting another 4 years with the competition that dumped me for another guy she ultimate married I realized that I was looking in all the wrong places. I joined the military, moved across the planet and made an oath not to date while in the Army, for my own good. I gave myself to God first and if He wanted me to marry he would present a practicing Catholic woman for me. Until then I committed to return to the seminary to serve him believing that he wanted me to give myself to Him first and foremost. So I did.

Ironically, the girl of my dreams turned out to be someone I never suspected, a stranger, a non-Catholic, but a sweet Protestant woman, 4 years younger that the other 2 that were 2 years younger than me. My wife, after 18 years of marriage converted to Catholicism and is now the best Catholic woman I know, ever knew next to the writings of Catholic Saints. Now I'm looking into the diaconate to continue what I still believe God is calling me to. All of that is a long story in itself.

Don't waste a lifetime trying to attract someone that simply is not attracted to you. Most relationships like you describe do not end up in marriage. By the way, the girl I was crazy about ended up divorced, living with another man out of state and does not consider herself a practicing Catholic - sounds new age now. She has no children and is completely self-absorbed as I realized early on still. Her father is laicized. Her mom is not practicing Catholicism anymore. and to top it off one of her sisters committed suicide and the family is still in denial, trying to accuse the spouse of murder. My family was equally messed up and God knew way before hand what would happen. And because I placed all of my trust in Him first, He delivered me from making the bad choices I made based on beauty, image and illusion. Let God lead you above all. Place Him first, give him a chance for a religious vocation and let Him bring someone to you instead. That's my 2 cents.:shrug:

BTW: We're working on 21 years of marriage, happy 95% of the time, more really, and have 3 beautiful children that love us both. They are God's wonderful blessing to us and are very sweet children, as told to us by everyone in the parish that sees them from a distance and up close. Give yourself to God first.

PAX


#26

[quote="LilyElain, post:20, topic:190684"]
Oh, very true....

[/quote]

Yup.

[quote="LilyElain, post:23, topic:190684"]
Umm...I do not think I would want to be involved with anyone that was fake...:confused:
If I fall in love with someone, it better be that person, not someone they were playing to be at the end of the day. I mean I understand getting to confidence to approach a women...but to fake stuff is never a good idea. It leads to hurt on both ends...

[/quote]

Yeah, I find some confirmation of that in my experience too.


#27

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:17, topic:190684"]
I made the mistake of taking her on a date over the summer of 2009 when we really didn't know each other well. Although the date went well she declined a second date on the grounds that "the timing was bad and she wasn't feeling it"; it was especially bad because I asked her in maybe June or July and she had broken-up with her long-term boyfriend back at Easter of the same year (and they were pretty serious).

I couldn't get over her though and it continued until I recently (last few weeks, maybe a month) told her how I felt. As for our friendship it hasn't changed. We're still friends, we still get along, and we are still cordial with each other. We also know each other much better than we did when I first asked her.

As for reinventing myself I am trying to be more confident (she knows about this problem and has given me advice on being more confident) and I'm trying to be more responsible. But I have no idea why she doesn't like me and I don't think I should bother asking.

And after reading the rest of the posts here I feel that maybe I should abandon my efforts to date her and focus on only being her friend. I just wish dating and relationships weren't so ambiguous and tough.

[/quote]

This isn't a case of ambiguous. She has told you she's not into you that way twice. Even after getting to know you better. She wants to be friends.Trust her assessment . Move along . Date someone else.

Don't become a stalker, ok? You're comment that you "couldn't get over her" makes me a bit nervous. Add some distance to the relationship until you feel more confident about "being over her."


#28

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.