What to do regarding living arrangements and sister?


#1

Let me preface this by saying, I am NOT trying to judge the situation at hand, I just merely need help on what to say or do or if there is anything I can do.

My family and I (3 boys, husband and baby on the way!) currently live in my families old house that I grew up in. We live with 2 of my sisters, ages 24 and 21. While we have really liked living here due to being right across the street from the elementary school that my son goes to and being down the street from our home parish, there is one thing that really bothers me. My 24 year old sister's boyfriend spends the night probably 3-4 nights out of the week here at the house in her bed. Believe me when I say that I am NO angel and that I was promiscuous in my younger days and even got pregnant before getting married. I did end up marrying the father who has now been my husband for 7 years :) So like I said in the beginning, I REALLY have no right to judge, I am just concerned for her. My parents who own the house have told her that they did not want him spending the night and yet he still continues to spend the night. I have also talked to him and expressed that my husband and I were not comfortable with him spending the night either especially since we have 3 little boys in the house who ask questions. She has told me that they have NOT had premarital sex and she won't have sex until she is married and I believe her. I just worry about her soul and how this will affect their relationship especially if they decide to get married. She is a practicing Catholic and attends Mass regularly and confession and truly loves her Faith. He is not Catholic but attends Mass with her sometimes and says if they were to marry he would not convert but raise their children Catholic if she wished. (he is a non practicing Jew) When I have talked to my parents about this, they say that they talked to her about it and that she know how they feel but that is it. I believe that neither of them feel right to be talking to her about this since my dad got his girlfriend pregnant at 18 and my mom lived with a boyfriend or two so they think, "who are we to tell her not to do it." My husband, kids and I are planning on moving in the summer after our 4th is born so I just wonder if I should put up with it since we are moving out or if I can say anything to her that can make her see what she is doing is jeopardizing her eternal salvation as well as her relationship.
I apologize if I don't make a lot of sense, sometimes I ramble when I'm nervous! :D
Thank you in advance for your prayers or helpful hints.

KM


#2

I would move like next month. Your sister and her bf don't respect you or your husband. Your kids are watching this and seeing that no one in your family will take a stand. You guys need to move and tell her that it is because of her actions you are moving sooner than planned.

You can't give your parents a backbone to do what they should. You can't force her to follow "house rules" because it's not your house. Therefore your only option is to move, and tell her why in the hope that she will wake up to what she is doing.

Tell her very lovely, "sis you are playing with fire by having your bf sleep in your room, even if you are NOT having sex. It's sending messages to our children that we don't like, therefore we will be moving out next month."


#3

[quote="Karenmarie20, post:1, topic:232220"]
Let me preface this by saying, I am NOT trying to judge the situation at hand, I just merely need help on what to say or do or if there is anything I can do.

My family and I (3 boys, husband and baby on the way!) currently live in my families old house that I grew up in. We live with 2 of my sisters, ages 24 and 21. While we have really liked living here due to being right across the street from the elementary school that my son goes to and being down the street from our home parish, there is one thing that really bothers me. My 24 year old sister's boyfriend spends the night probably 3-4 nights out of the week here at the house in her bed. Believe me when I say that I am NO angel and that I was promiscuous in my younger days and even got pregnant before getting married. I did end up marrying the father who has now been my husband for 7 years :) So like I said in the beginning, I REALLY have no right to judge, I am just concerned for her. My parents who own the house have told her that they did not want him spending the night and yet he still continues to spend the night. I have also talked to him and expressed that my husband and I were not comfortable with him spending the night either especially since we have 3 little boys in the house who ask questions. She has told me that they have NOT had premarital sex and she won't have sex until she is married and I believe her. I just worry about her soul and how this will affect their relationship especially if they decide to get married. She is a practicing Catholic and attends Mass regularly and confession and truly loves her Faith. He is not Catholic but attends Mass with her sometimes and says if they were to marry he would not convert but raise their children Catholic if she wished. (he is a non practicing Jew) When I have talked to my parents about this, they say that they talked to her about it and that she know how they feel but that is it. I believe that neither of them feel right to be talking to her about this since my dad got his girlfriend pregnant at 18 and my mom lived with a boyfriend or two so they think, "who are we to tell her not to do it." My husband, kids and I are planning on moving in the summer after our 4th is born so I just wonder if I should put up with it since we are moving out or if I can say anything to her that can make her see what she is doing is jeopardizing her eternal salvation as well as her relationship.
I apologize if I don't make a lot of sense, sometimes I ramble when I'm nervous! :D
Thank you in advance for your prayers or helpful hints.

KM

[/quote]

Sweetie, congratulations on the littlest addition to your family!!! How exciting!!

You are right to be concerned for your sister. My husband and I occasionally wound up sleeping together in the same bed just before we were married (usually because I wound up too exhausted to drive back to my house at night after wedding planning and working all day!) and while we never had sex before we were married, it was a little too close for comfort. :o We both love Jesus, so by his grace her kept us just barely strong enough - but it's a strong occasion for sin and not wise.

We regret it, we repented, and we moved on and currently have a wonderful relationship. I'd also like to add that for 2 of the 3 years we dated I was staunchly non-catholic. Jesus won me over in the end though.

My best advice is to pray. Pray for your sister, and continue to keep a good relationship with her. That's the best thing you can really do at this point. She is probably being chaste, but it's such a strong temptation. I am grateful for friends who did not judge but were there for me to talk to when temptation was strong or when we did mess up and go a little too far. Having someone who is non-judgmental or belittling is a huge blessing and a greater help than someone who makes you feel an inch tall. ^_^

EDIT Sorry, I misread something. Stupid flu! haha***

You are right to ask that she not have her boyfriend spend the night at the house you share - for the sake of the kids. I am sure that she can respect this. It just raises too many questions for young ones.

You are in my thoughts, and good for you for being a servant for Christ in this situation. He will bless you abundantly!


#4

[quote="Karenmarie20, post:1, topic:232220"]
**She has told me that they have NOT had premarital sex and she won't have sex until she is married and I believe her. **I just worry about her soul and how this will affect their relationship especially if they decide to get married.

[/quote]

Forgive me if I don't believe your sister for a minute. Why would her boyfriend stay in her room 3-4 nights a week if they weren't already having sex??? I can see once, if it got too late or he had too much to drink, but 3-4 times a week???:rolleyes:

Come on, you cannot be that naive.

If no one will stand up to your sister, and FOR your sister, then I agree with the previous poster who said that YOU will have to move. Even if it costs you a lot of money, your sons are taking all of this in and their minds and hearts are storing it up for later down the road. You will tell them, "No sex before marriage!" and they will flash back to...."What about Auntie and Marvin then??? What were they doing?"

No one wants to do the hard stuff. You and your parents are the ones who have made mistakes, and it does not make you a hypocrite when you tell your sister, "Look, I made a mistake and I regret it, I do not want the same thing to happen to you." Your parents should really kick her out, IMO, because they have told her more than once that her boyfriend is not welcome to stay, yet they do nothing, so he stays.


#5

It would be one thing if this was a two-family house and your sister had her own flat in the house but I guess this is a one family. Must have lots of bedrooms for all of you.

Having a strange man staying on odd nights with your family isn't right. Your sister should show your family and kids and her other younger sister more respect. You need to move or why not buy the house from your parents and ask her to move?


#6

First off thank you for your replies! Regarding moving, we are actually moving out of state so we would not be able to move right now due to our baby being due in May. If we were just moving to another city close by it would be one thing but having a big move like this is just too difficult at this time. This is actually one of the main reasons that we are moving out, it just happens to be a bigger than average move due to living in a VERY expensive county in Southern cali!
We originally were going to lease to own the house from my parents and had every intention of doing so but like I said, the area that we live in is too expensive for us to buy the house from them. I have thought for a long time now when he started sleeping over more that we should move. At first, it was only a couple of nights a week because he lived about 1.5 hours away. He now lives closer to us, only about 20mins without traffic so I just don't understand why he doesn't go home? Don't get me wrong, I very much like this guy as does my husband, and I know my sister isn't blameless in all of this. When I talked to him last year about this, he pretty much said that he knew that my parents had talked to her about spending the night and that he didn't want to cause problems but he was just doing what my sister asked of him.. So I know she asks him to spend the night.
I will have to talk with my husband about this and see what he thinks of moving. Since he is not Catholic ( i know i know) it's not that big a deal for him. He just doesn't think it's appropriate for the boys to see the boyfriend leave the next morning!


#7

It's not impossible to move to another place. You could rent month to month temporary until the big move, throwing some things in storage. You could live with a friend or other family member, you could move in with your parents. The point is there is almost always more than one way to accomplish a goal.

Is it inconvenient, yes. Is it difficult, yes. Is it easier to do nothing and allow your boys to see their parents walked over, yes.

It's easier but, it's not the right thing.

Like the previous post said, "No one wants to do the difficult thing." But, someone in this situation needs to step up and have strength to do what is right.

It's like that old quote says, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

Finally don't put this task all on your shoulders. You have a husband, catholic or not, it's his job to protect the family. So talk to him and get him to step up and lead this family to a better place. How do do this? you look him in the eye, hand in hand, and you tell him that this is important to you? And right now you need him to be the leader on this.

God Bless.


#8

Telling your sister you commit sins, went to confession and now want to lead a more Catholic lifestyle is NOT judging. It is changing.

The big question on my mind is 'who owns the house'. If you do NOT own it, unfortunately, you have NO right to tell her who can and can't sleep over. If your parents don't like it but are too spinless to say anything, leave that in God's hands.

To be honest, (and I mean this in a speaking the truth in love) it appears you are being a bit selfish. As much as every mom wants the best for her children, when you are getting cheap rent you can not expect everyone else to all of a sudden want the best for your child. Ask yourself 'Am I really concerned about my sister's soul or is this simply my way to push my agenda that is best for my kids'

The best thing to do for your boys, is to pray for God's will. If in your heart of heart you strongly believe moving is NOT an option at this point, then you will have to live in less than ideal circumstances. But be honest ! Don't simply say 'I will put up with it because it is more convenient.

Then, when your kids get older, just be honest with them. "Yes, auntie slept in the same bed with her boyfriend and it is a sin. However, God understands that as a mom, I had a moral obligation to put a roof over your head and we had no money so it was the best we could do'

Lastly, if your are concerend about yoru sister's soul, you have aresponsibility to make sure she knows it is wrong. If she already knows it is wrong, and you have stated your opinion, the only obligation you now have is to pray for her. God never told us to nag people until they follow His ways

CM


#9

Karenmarie20,

First, congratulations on your family being blessed with another child!

Second, expecting and encouraging someone to abide by God’s law and judging that person when they don’t are not the same thing.

Third, regardless of whether your sister is fornicating with her boyfriend or not she is engaged in the appearance of it. Although she seems not to realize it, her behaviour is a cause of scandal and the Church does not look favourably on this - we are to avoid all scandalous behaviour. If there is a just reason for him to stay the night, then accommodations need to be made for them to sleep in separate rooms.

Forth, your sister is putting herself and her boyfriend in a situation of temptation to grave sin: it could very well be tempting them to sin in thought as well as deed. If she truly cares about this man she would not put his eternal soul at risk.

Which brings me to my fifth point. Your sister has consistently disregarded the concerns and welfare of those around her whom her behaviour is adversely affecting: she is being self-centred. When we truly love someone we put their welfare before ours, as I’m sure you know as a mother (c.f. 1 Cor 13:5-6 “… love does not insist on its own way … it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right”).

Also, if her boyfriend truly cares for her, he will help her to do the right thing; it seems he’ll have to take the lead and insist he not sleep in the same room as her. I can only see her respecting him for this unless she has an ulterior motive. You might also want to consult your priest: perhaps it would be helpful for him to speak to her/them to help them understand the scandal and occasions of temptation her/their behaviour is causing. If she wants to follow Christ she will listen to His Church.

Further, wanting the children that God has placed in your care to be shielded from the sins of others (and thus to be shielded from temptation to do the same at some point) is not selfish, it is being a responsible, loving parent. I only hope your sister will be a responsible, loving aunt.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Your sister in Christ,
MaryMarie

P.S.: Regarding your husband not thinking “it’s appropriate for the boys to see the boyfriend leave the next morning,” this would suggest that somewhere inside him your husband knows that what your sister and her boyfriend are doing is wrong. Perhaps he thinks he should listen to society rather than his conscience, and perhaps this is because he does not understand why their behaviour is wrong. Keep praying for him: he might not know it but God is in the shadows of his heart! :slight_smile:


#10

You are a bit cornered as you are moving out of state in 6 weeks so probably cannot manage to move twice.

I guess all I can offer you is this. Please have a conversation with your sister and ask her if her boyfriend spends the night could he leave out the back door or be discreet about it so your boys don’t know? This is awful and upsetting to young children! Is he waking up and taking a shower and drinking coffee in the kitchen for the whole world to see?

Ask her to keep it quiet and not “in your face” out of respect for your children. You cannot make her stop it seems but asking this at least seems reasonable.

After you move you need to do some “damage control” and explain to your chidlren that it was immoral behavior and they need to pray for their aunt. I hope this helps. Prayers for your family.


#11

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