What to do with my marriage


It has been a while since I have been on here, mostly due to the fact that my Husband had been deployed to Iraq twice. He did Army ROTC all through college, but never received scholoarships because he ran track, and got his education from Athletics. In his final Spring season, he hurt his knee very badly, and his mom died. The Athletic doctor sent him to an Orthopedic specialist who told him that his tendons were torn, and surgury was not an option. The Army parted ways with him because of a serious joint injury. He was crushed because all he had to do was finish the semester, and then graduate.

Before the fiasco with his baptismal certificate, he could not stand the pain any longer, and saw a surgeon out in San Jose, who then told him that his whole problem was bone spurs in his knee that needed some shaving.

3 months rehab later, a dull pain he tried to ignore, and no torn tendons, he got his Army commission, and shipped off to Fallujah. 4 months later, his unit was hit with mortors, and he spent 5 weeks at home while they fished gravel and rocks out of his back. He was sent back to finish his stay, which ended up being extended.

3 months ago, his convoy was hit with a bomb, and again he ended up with gravel, rocks and one piece of shrapnel in him. He has been home a good bit now, and there is a real problem…

He has always been a detatched person. He shows so little emotion as it is. Now that he has a knee operated on, scars on his back, rocks in his shoulder, and had metal in his thigh, he is always in terrible, terrible pain.

He discovered Aikido and Kung Fu as a way to meditate and dull the pain. He someitmes spends 8-10 hours a day meditating and doing the whole kata thing. He will sometimes take single pieces of sand and line them up perfectly with tweezers for hours, and hours, and hours. I fail to see the point in that…

I used to call him a robot, but now it really seems like he has lost all emotions and feeling. I feel so cheated because I am missing out on what used to be a reseved, but really funny guy.

He is on light duty back here at home, so by the time I get home from work, he is in the garage, with his mind on another plane of existence, literally.

The doctors don’t seem to have any idea exactly where the pain is coming from. All they can say is “Geese, he seems to have gotten hurt in just about every area that can cause a world of pain…”

The only person that seemed to have helped him is this Aikido guy who studied in Japan and China for 40 years. It seems like I can only have a husband doped up on painkillers, or a husband who lives in 12th century Aisia. Words cannot describe his level of detatchment from emotion, and I just cannot take all this.



You do not mention if you have children or anything else about your life. I assume that you are catholic.

If you do not have children and you are not living a marriage I do not know what the church teaching is.

But as a blanket statement You are called by God to stick it out and to love your husband. That doesn’t mean LIKE your husband. That can come later.

There are amazing examples of saints who loved their horrid husbands. In some of the stories the husbands converted before of after the deaths of their wives.

If you are lonely you can serve the church. I sure that there are a number of opportunities for that and that you have talents for service. Post a thread on that and you will get good ideas. Just give a bit of info on what your interests and talents are and others will give you ideas on what to do.

One of the main problems I see in your post is that you focus on your husbands failings. That used to be a favorite past time of mine and it does not help.

You have to be the best person you can be and then love him as much as you can by being loving even when you don’t feel like it.

Sorry I am I did not offer sympathy. I am too practical at times. I am sorry for you and for your husband. He sounds like he needs direction in life. I will keep you in my prayers. Have faith and speak to Mary as your Mother. Once you start turning to her you will see how much she loves you and you will be comforted.


He is in a lot of pain and he is trying to cope with it. People reaction to pain varys as much as the individual, but it is very real and very serious. See the wide range of reactions to post traumatic stress disorder.

If he feels pain physically by tuning out senses he can numb it, it just so happens that he tunes out not only physical but emotional as well.

Does he enjoy spending hours on hours playing with grains of sand? By focusing on the sand hes tuning out his pain. By medidating to get out of his mind hes tuning out the pain.

What will ultimately bring him back into life is love, and as his wife it is you God has chosen through whom to channel His love.

If you are hurt which is understandable it is easy to be aloof or curt with your husband. From there it is easy to be critical and antagonistic. Before long he will feel the emotional pain as well as the physical pain, and take effort to tune out his emotions even more, closing himself off. You need to shower him with so much love he can not help but feel its warmth through the sheild he built to protect himself. Do everything you can to show him you love him, and if he doesn’t respond do it even more.

Thats dealing with him. You also need to deal with yourself. Doing that for him can be draining and if he does not want to go to counseling you might want to to at the very least have somebody to unload on. Spend time in prayer in front of the blessed sacrament, the source of love. You’ll need to recieve love from somewhere to respond to it.

Oh yeah, cookies are great, everyone loves cookies. The scent has a way of calling people. Make him cookies. If he pulls away from his senses scent is very primortial and deep, it has a way of calling people.

My two cents for what its worth. I’m really a novice in faith and I couldn’t imagine being in the position you’re in. I’ll pray for you.


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