What to do with my sister in this situation?


#1

Hello again!

So, my sister is visiting the homeland with her boyfriend (see my location)(she lives in another country, with her boyfriend in a sexual relationship) soon. The problem is that she wants to visit me (which is great) but firstly she is stupidly tight with money and wants to stay in my one bedroom flat and sleep in my kitchen/study/living area which is about 3 metres wide and 7 metres long and contains only my kitchen, study desk and an old 2 seater couch. There are cheap hotels in the area, and even backpackers, but she insists that she wants to stay in my house. I just find that ridiculous when there is no space. I also have to go to class the next day and wake up at 6 so I can't be dealing with people on my floor, or having to entertain people or listen to them or just in general worry about them.

But here's the bigger problem (and the one I came here for). What I object to most of all is that she lives with her boyfriend etc. So she assumes, obviously, that they will just make due and sleep together on the floor in my flat. Which I don't want. Even though I realize they won't be sexually active, this is besides the point. The only solution (which she might not like anyway) is for her to sleep on my bed and me and her boyfriend to share the floor... and look, not that I don't love her, but that isn't happening, not when it's totally unecessary and when I have classes the next day.

I guess I am asking if I am being reasonable and what I should say. She is trying to get back into her faith, and I have given her a lot of books to read, but again she is trapped in that "I can't live without my boyfriend" mindset (he is an atheist and an obstacle for her as he makes her question the faith a lot, nevermind the sexual relations and co-habitiation). I'm just not sure. As a younger brother I don't want to sound like I am being bossy or judgemental, but at the same time I live here and although my mama still pays rent as I am in university I don't want to look like I think its okay for her to sleep with her boyfriend etc.


#2

[quote="NewsTheMan, post:1, topic:251467"]
Hello again!

So, my sister is visiting the homeland with her boyfriend (see my location)(she lives in another country, with her boyfriend in a sexual relationship) soon. The problem is that she wants to visit me (which is great) but firstly she is stupidly tight with money and wants to stay in my one bedroom flat and sleep in my kitchen/study/living area which is about 3 metres wide and 7 metres long and contains only my kitchen, study desk and an old 2 seater couch. There are cheap hotels in the area, and even backpackers, but she insists that she wants to stay in my house. I just find that ridiculous when there is no space. I also have to go to class the next day and wake up at 6 so I can't be dealing with people on my floor, or having to entertain people or listen to them or just in general worry about them.

But here's the bigger problem (and the one I came here for). What I object to most of all is that she lives with her boyfriend etc. So she assumes, obviously, that they will just make due and sleep together on the floor in my flat. Which I don't want. Even though I realize they won't be sexually active, this is besides the point. The only solution (which she might not like anyway) is for her to sleep on my bed and me and her boyfriend to share the floor... and look, not that I don't love her, but that isn't happening, not when it's totally unecessary and when I have classes the next day.

I guess I am asking if I am being reasonable and what I should say. She is trying to get back into her faith, and I have given her a lot of books to read, but again she is trapped in that "I can't live without my boyfriend" mindset (he is an atheist and an obstacle for her as he makes her question the faith a lot, nevermind the sexual relations and co-habitiation). I'm just not sure. As a younger brother I don't want to sound like I am being bossy or judgemental, but at the same time I live here and although my mama still pays rent as I am in university I don't want to look like I think its okay for her to sleep with her boyfriend etc.

[/quote]

Is there any way that you can speak to your mother about this? Leaving aside the issue of sexual morality, I think it is pretty impractical for her to be staying with you, given the circumstances. I assume your sister knows of your intentions to enter the Redemptorists (come to the community in Perth!) and about your views on her relationship. I don't think the idea of you giving your sister your room is very practical either, as this would just cause resentment in both of them, possibly pushing her further away from the Church.

If your mother can help, ask her to say to your sister that because of your studies and your living space, it really isn't possible for her to stay there, as you will need to leave early in the morning and need peace and privacy for study. Assure her that her visit is something that you are looking forward to but that if she stays with you, it would only cause stress on both sides. If you can't get your mother to help, you may have to do this yourself, it would be best to do so by email or letter, so that she can't interrupt with arguments and objections. Explain that your accommodation is not suitible for them to stay in while you are studying. You could also say something like "I know that you would find it difficult to stay here with (her boyfriend) as the living arrangements would prevent any private time, even at night and you have said that this is important to you." I think that might make her re-evaluate staying with you to save a little money.

If your sister chooses to live this way, she has no right to impose it on you. My little sister is lesbian, but when she and her partner stayed with me, they slept on seperate fold down beds in my living room and on other occasions, stayed in a guesthouse. They had respect for my religion (I'm a convert). I would hope that your sister would treat you in a similar manner.


#3

An easy way out of this would be to move everything from the perimeter of the rooms to the centers of the rooms, and do some painting during the scheduled visit:D

You still have a right to determine what you'll tolerate in your own living quarters. You don't need to moralize. Just say no, there's simply no room. That could mean there is no physical room for her and her boyfriend, or no room for tolerance of their illicit lifestyle. Or both.


#4

You simply don't have room for them to stay with you. Just tell her that, and stick to your guns.


#5

Just say you don't have the space, but you would be happy to make a reservation at a hotel for her. If she argues with you about that, just calmly stick to those two facts: you don't have the space and you are willing to make a reservation for her.


#6

[quote="St_Francis, post:5, topic:251467"]
Just say you don't have the space, but you would be happy to make a reservation at a hotel for her. If she argues with you about that, just calmly stick to those two facts: you don't have the space and you are willing to make a reservation for her.

[/quote]

And if its an issue of money, you could always offer to help her pay the bill for the hotel if you truly do not want her to stay with you.


#7

I agree with the other posters - don't intertwine the two problems - her moral choices and your desire to see her return to the Church, and her visit and the problem of space. You are not in any way obligated to allow her to stay with you just because you are trying to help her see that she needs to make better choices. Separate the practical aspect and you are left with the obvious - you do NOT have room for anyone, even a mouse!

"But it's just for one night!" "I can help you find a hotel."

"You don't love me!" "I love you very much but there is no room in my flat."

"This isn't Christian of you!" "My flat is only big enough for one person, that has nothing to do with being Christian."

Etc.

Keep talking to her about her choices, but this event does not make you a bad brother or a hypocrite in any way. It simply isn't possible for her and her boyfriend to stay with you. Period.


#8

Maybe like this: Sis, I love you like crazy. You're a wonderful gift from God in my life-- you always have been. Always will. But there are 2 reasons you can't stay at my place. One is moral, the other purely logistical. Which one do you want?


#9

[quote="monicatholic, post:8, topic:251467"]
Maybe like this: Sis, I love you like crazy. You're a wonderful gift from God in my life-- you always have been. Always will. But there are 2 reasons you can't stay at my place. One is moral, the other purely logistical. Which one do you want?

[/quote]

:thumbsup:


#10

[quote="monicatholic, post:8, topic:251467"]
Maybe like this: Sis, I love you like crazy. You're a wonderful gift from God in my life-- you always have been. Always will. But there are 2 reasons you can't stay at my place. One is moral, the other purely logistical. Which one do you want?

[/quote]

Well put!

Your sister does need to learn to respect your conscience, even if she is not aware just yet of the gravity of her intentions. This is a teaching moment to witness to your faith, as well as to the impracticality of the situation.


#11

Sorry but I think this is kind of silly. It's one night, and they won't be having sex or even undressing really, so what is the big deal?

You sound mostly like you don't want to be inconvenienced for the night.

If I were you, I would make two separate palettes for them on the floor as far apart as the space will allow before they even get there and let them sleep there, or make up one bed on the floor and one on the couch.

This is not a big deal.


#12

[quote="LaSainte, post:11, topic:251467"]
Sorry but I think this is kind of silly. It's one night, and they won't be having sex or even undressing really, so what is the big deal?

You sound mostly like you don't want to be inconvenienced for the night.

If I were you, I would make two separate palettes for them on the floor as far apart as the space will allow before they even get there and let them sleep there, or make up one bed on the floor and one on the couch.

This is not a big deal.

[/quote]

It is a bid deal...he has no room!!!!

And, whether they are doing anything or not, it's his home and if he doesn't want them sleeping together in his home, they should respect that!


#13

[quote="LaSainte, post:11, topic:251467"]
Sorry but I think this is kind of silly. It's one night, and they won't be having sex or even undressing really, so what is the big deal?

You sound mostly like you don't want to be inconvenienced for the night.

If I were you, I would make two separate palettes for them on the floor as far apart as the space will allow before they even get there and let them sleep there, or make up one bed on the floor and one on the couch.

This is not a big deal.

[/quote]

:eek::eek::eek::eek:
Not for what you said, but for that fact that I agree with you. :o

It does sound like the OP doesn't want to be inconvenienced for the night. And this is the line that makes me think this way.

so I can't be dealing with people on my floor, or having to entertain people or listen to them or just in general worry about them.

OP:
This is your sister. Give up your bed for the night, be a gentleman, the guys can sleep on the floor.

It is for ONE night.


#14

brilliant, or you could have a plumbing leak so you have to go down the street to the gas station to use the restroom


#15

[quote="maryjk, post:13, topic:251467"]
:eek::eek::eek::eek:
Not for what you said, but for that fact that I agree with you. :o

It does sound like the OP doesn't want to be inconvenienced for the night. And this is the line that makes me think this way.

OP:
This is your sister. Give up your bed for the night, be a gentleman, the guys can sleep on the floor.

It is for ONE night.

[/quote]

YES.


#16

[quote="LaSainte, post:11, topic:251467"]
Sorry but I think this is kind of silly. It's one night, and they won't be having sex or even undressing really, so what is the big deal?

You sound mostly like you don't want to be inconvenienced for the night.

.

[/quote]

The big deal is that he doesn't WANT to do it, for the reasons he gave. He is not asking us if we think he is right in not allowing it (although I think he is ;) ) and he is not asking for a solution except for how to say no. If he sounds inconvenienced, maybe it is because he would be. Tiny apartment, feeling the need to care for and entertain, as well as being in school and having to get up early. Please do not belittle someone's depth of faith by saying it is no big deal.


#17

[quote="Irishmom2, post:16, topic:251467"]
The big deal is that he doesn't WANT to do it, for the reasons he gave. He is not asking us if we think he is right in not allowing it (although I think he is ;) ) and he is not asking for a solution except for how to say no. If he sounds inconvenienced, maybe it is because he would be. Tiny apartment, feeling the need to care for and entertain, as well as being in school and having to get up early. Please do not belittle someone's depth of faith by saying it is no big deal.

[/quote]

I didn't see them "belittling their depth fo faith" by saying it's no big deal. The posters (who I agree with) that it's not a big deal to be inconvenienced for the night. They said nothing about the OPs faith. Quit putting words in their mouths.


#18

tell it like it is, your sister is willfully engaging in sin and should not step one foot into your home. The company of the wicked you should not keep. Call her to repent her ways :thumbsup::thumbsup:


#19

I don't think the sister is being particularly fair. She knows about her brother's faith but then asks him to compromise it for her convenience? That's certainly not fair.

News, I'd offer to handle it this way: I'd tell your sister that she was welcome to stay at your flat but the boyfriend would have to stay in a hotel. I'd just explain that anything else goes against your conscience and that, while you love your sister, you aren't going to compromise on that piece. As a good will offering, you could offer to pick up a portion of the boyfriend's hotel room.

I suspect this situation won't be acceptable to your sister who then will probably choose to stay with her boyfriend in the hotel. In that event, both the practical and the moral issues are addressed for you.


#20

[quote="Irish_Girl_68, post:19, topic:251467"]
I don't think the sister is being particularly fair. She knows about her brother's faith but then asks him to compromise it for her convenience? That's certainly not fair. .

[/quote]

And yet if the brother (the OP) is a gentleman and gives up his bed for his sister, then it won't be a problem because the guys will be sleeping in the same room not the sister and her boyfriend.


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