What to do?


#1

It’s a long story, but fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago. She had wanted to see me the next day, and even offered to pay for the plane tickets to fly me out there, but I declined, due to a host of reasons I’m not at liberty to discuss - let’s just say there’s a bit of history between me and her. I ended up talking to her - and her mom - for over an hour, basically telling her that I didn’t think she was ready for a relationship at the time and that I wanted to remain friends, so that when she thinks she’s ready, she can let me know.

I talked to her again 5 days later, during which time something happened, which put her in a better position to start a relationship, and she told me just as much. The conversation lasted over 2 hours, and we discussed some deep topics about relationships and such, but I still didn’t think she was completely ready, so I asked to give her another call 3 days later, to which she excitedly agreed. I got an email from her the next day, which she said she was going to send me, and she thanked me for sharing so much about myself. I posted something on her Facebook page the next day, in which perhaps I sounded more like a regular friend than anything else. I called her on the day on which I said I was going to call, but she didn’t pick up, so I left a message asking her to call me back. She never did.

I’ve since sent her an email and tried to contact her through Facebook. Nothing after almost 2 weeks. I’m just not sure what to make of it. I know that she’s not out of the country or ill or anything, because I’ve seen her online. If anyone could give me some insight as to what might be going on in her mind, it would be greatly appreciated. My guess is that she has made herself pretty clear that she’s looking for something more than friendship with me, but she doesn’t want to waste her time if all I’m looking for is friendship. The sign I’m waiting for is knowing for sure that she’s really ready for a relationship, before jumping into anything. Is it best for me to give her some space right now or should I try to step up and ask to pursue a relationship with her?

Thank you in advance!

P.S. Sorry I can’t really provide more information, because she reads these forums, too, and I want to respect her privacy.


#2

Why not call her again?

And, you know, relationships don’t have to definitively ‘start’. Why not spend time getting to know her, rather than deciding if she is ready for a relationship with you. It sounds a little controlling to me.

:twocents:


#3

I can in no way say what is going on in the mind of your lady friend. What I can say as a 26 year old woman is this. If I was very interested in a guy romantically and he kept putting me off, saying I** was not ready (while he was :eek: ) and being friendly with me while he knew I was romantically interested… I’d get really mad … more than that I would be hurt… and more than that I would feel like he was treating me like a little doggy that he was expecting to run after him… in other words I’d be humiliated. And if I had the strength I would give him the cold shoulder for a few days or weeks just to let him know that since he was not interested, then I would respect that, take control of the situation and show him that I was not sitting around waiting to be more humiliated than I already was. If he does not want me… then I am not gonna come running and make a fool out of myself repeatedly. If a guy told me he was not sure he wanted me, I would rather go with a bleading heart than stay and beg for his mercy. If this is whats going on… I admire that woman you speak of.

This woman is apparantly looking for commitment from you while you are not willing to give it. Are you in a position to access her? She is taking you on your word… “just friends” dont need to have phone-appoinments or talk every third day etc.

Looks like she is just taking you on your word.
Maybe it really is time for her and you to let each other go?

Something for you to ponder: have you taken this woman for granted?


#4

Well, I want to, but I also want to give her space, if that’s what she wants. That’s part of the reason why I’ve been so conflicted. I’ve fought for her before, twice, and I got burned both times.

Well, she and I know each other really well already, the only logical next step would be spending time together. I’m not trying to control her at all, and I’ve repeatedly encouraged her to make her own decisions, which I would respect. If she’s made a decision not to speak to me, wouldn’t I appear more controlling if I tried to talk her out of it?

Well, there’s more to the story. I got burned twice already, so I hope you can understand why I’m a little wary. For some reason, the timing has always been bad between me and her, but there’s just so much that was going right. It’s not that I don’t want it; it’s rather I want to make sure that she and I do things right this time, if that were to happen. I’m doing this because that’s what she and I both deserve, and because I respect her and care about her.

Well, I agree with you that she’s probably looking for commitment, and I had been willing to give it, until she rejected it. Like I said, the timing had been very awkward. I’m actually surprised that each time it got as far as it did, which goes to show that there really is something there.

Normally, yes, but there’re just so many signs that I simply cannot ignore. It just seems God always has a way of bringing us together. The coincidences are simply too many and obvious to not take heed of. She’s the person who helped me start my conversion to Catholicism, and for that I’m always going to be grateful to her. That’s also the bond that’s kept us coming back to each other, that and keeping each other in prayer.

No, never.


#5

As a guy, I agree with this statement. If she was interested who are you to judge if she is “ready” for a relationship yet without even meeting her in person?

Give her another call, meet her, see if you hit it off and take if from there… if it’s not too late.

Joe


#6

How old are you? How old is she?

Frankly this whole thing sounds very junior high.

If you are an adult, act like one. Pick up the phone and call her. Don’t make excuses, don’t talk to her mom, don’t wonder what she’s thinking. Just ASK her straight up.

If she’s ignoring your emails, I’d say she’s either “just not that into you” or she’s very immature and is playing games. Either way-- move on and be thankful you didn’t expend money, time, and effort on her.


#7

SomeCatholicGuy…

Very well… Hehe… its difficult to figure out a situation with no details at all…
Anyway… If you are both serious, in love and ready to commit, then you should go ahead.
You sound like a wise guy. Dont let this young woman pull you around by the tail… tell her your standards and let her think about whether this is what she wants at this time in her life.

Talk like adults and I believe you’ll be fine. :slight_smile:


#8

Am I the only one thinking that “the real thing” shouldn’t be this complicated? One day she’s not ready then three days later she’s ready then she’s not answering calls. If I were you I would send her an email saying how you think she’s a great person and you’re disappointed she hasn’t returned your call or replied to your email so far. Tell her you hope all is well and that eventually she’ll get in touch with you again and then just move on. There are plenty more women out there and all this manipulation on both your parts is just nonsense in my opinion.


#9

:thumbsup:


#10

you’re not the only one…I agree with you!:slight_smile:


#11

I also don’t think a woman should be buying a man’s plane tickets who might at best, be quasi-interested in her. I wouldn’t buy a guy’s plane ticket, as it screams desperation, personally. If you’re her best bud on the planet, maybe. Maybe. But, a woman shouldn’t be buying a man’s tickets she is not even dating yet…I think that her radio silence can most likely be equated to she is moving on. While I understand that you are hesitant to jumping into something, she doesn’t want to be mislead…not that you are misleading her, but she doesn’t want to be involved with you as a friend, so I see this as her moving on. If you want to date her, buy a ticket, and travel to see her. I think if you are not willing, then just end the relationship, and move on…maybe you need more time to be ready for a relationship…And above all else–pray about these things. God will never steer you wrong.

Good luck with this!:slight_smile:


#12

Sounds like to me she got tired of your hemming and hawing and condenscending, I kinda don’t blame her, looks to me she’s moving on.

Now YOU told her to call you when she’s ready, and so far she’s not, so she ain’t ready! Now ya gonna turn around and call her and ask whats’ goin on? LOL. Hmmmm backbone??

It looks like you didn’t have the upper hand in this relationship you thought you had, LOL that she was always gonna be there wanting a relationship etc


#13

Thank you all for your advice and input. I gave her a call last night, and I’m flying out to see her next weekend. Please keep me and her in your prayers.


#14

What??? What did she say???:eek:


#15

If she changes her mind on wanting to talk to you or not or doesn’t pick the phone up for whimsical reasons, she’s not ready for a relationship.

If she’s open to more than friendship with you but not open to friendship alone, it sends the message that friendship with you is not something she’d normally seek. In light of this fact, I wonder if it’s really a good idea to couple up with her. Friendship is very important as are personal reasons behind a relationship, other than merely finding someone compatible.

Further, she does sound a bit desperate offering to pay for your flight tickets. This all depends on the situation, but isn’t she a bit hot-headed?

And you seem to be losing your head too, if you pardon my being so direct. Don’t get confused. Try to avoid the headache. And if you want to consider pursuing her, having an honest talk soon will do better than any amount of speculation.


closed #16

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.