What to do


#1

I have a friend who I have known for 25 years, since high school. We were extremely close then and in our twenties/thirties and we were both partiers, young and wild and living a very unwholesome promiscuous life. I have changed my life slowly since about 2006 and am now a Catholic, go to Mass each week, take part in the sacraments, etc. I have repented of a lot of sins of my former life (still working on others) I know I am a horrible sinner and I am not throwing stones, but I’m starting to wonder if I am putting myself in moral jeapordy just being around this person.

I only see her now about 1-2 times per year, mostly she will come to hang out and clean my house in exchange for helping her with money or other things sometimes. She has continued to live her life in a disastrously sinful way. She has one other Catholic friend who has tried to tell her as I have that she needs to quit sinning and get back to God and Jesus, but it has no effect, and I don’t think it will anytime soon.

On the short list she has had multiple kids out of wedlock with different fathers, has never worked, married someone and has slept with all of his three brothers, got impregnated by a 15 year old when she was in her twenties, and has a parade of drunken sometimes violent men in and out of her household with her kids all watching this. Her only focus in life is men and alchohol.

I found out this year that the former 15 year old who is now in his thirties, duped her into flying her and the son they had together to fly to New York to be on the Jeremy Kyle show, where he wanted to expose to the world that she was a sex offender, shame her, and get a DNA test. She refused to go on the show and her and her son ended up stranded in New York City…its just stuff like this all the time.

Whenever I or her other friend try to help her by reminding her about God, she just says that God forgives. I truly think that she thinks that she’s fine and that God will forgive her for whatever she does but that she doesn’t have to change anything in her life. I am extremely worried about her soul. I want her to see the light and change because if she doesn’t I’m afraid she will go to hell.

Is it my responsibility to keep at her about changing her life and getting back to God?

Should I not associate with her at all and just pray for her from a distance?

Is it a sin to keep associating with her?

This has bothered me for quite awhile.


#2

It sounds to me like she is in desperate need of a good friend (i.e., one who actually cares about her, not about using her), and most of all a good role model.

The only way you would be in "moral jeopardy" from being around her is if you think she will influence you back into your old ways. Is that the case?


#3

If you can be the friend that she needs right now as has been said in the previous post. It doesn't matter if she is breaking laws or being morally wrong. You are not. By being with her or she knows that she has an open house at yours means she does have someone to turn to even if she isn't sure about that. Her sinning doesn't make you the sinner. No you don't have to point them out to her because she will probably only be more hurt. She doesn't need that right now. She needs someone who is there when she needs it. You just got to make sure she isn't abusing your willing to be friends as in using you.

You only see her twice a year? not twice a day. I urge you not to turn away from her but be ready to be able to give strength to her calling. If it money she is after then perhaps save a little to one side, without telling her and may be at one of her visits suggest a little, very little task, so that she is in effect earning it. But if she shrugs the task then give her half or something? It not drug, smokes or beer money is it or is it? Telling her will have no effect on her or anyone. Why should it? None of us listen to what we should be hearing do we? We might think we do but I bet we don't. Actions speak louder than our words and she will go on how happy as in content happy you all are. I actually don't blame her one bit for not going on Jeremy Kyle Show. What an awful way to deal with truth and to get help. Okay so a lot of what we see is just tv effect and we don't see the work that goes off behind the show. If that guy had forced her into it then she would have gotten support if she had been open to that but it is an awful way to conduct one's business and she has all my support in saying no to appearing on that or any other likewise show to sort out matters that shouldn't be public viewing.

Yes God forgives and as a Christian friend your job is to help her see that God does forgive and he Loves. Be there for her for fun laughs and the tears and sadness and just be on her side so to speak in reinforcing her that God forgives and Love. God takes care of her soul and see what is happening and understands. You just gotta continue being a good friend without any preaching of God unless it by action for as you say, she isn't listening anyway and why should she because she probably thinks we all say one thing and do another and no different to herself. Let her know the good news in a way she will hear.


#4

I would talk to a priest about it. By bailing her when she needs money, you might be enabling her to continue in this lifestyle rather than “hitting bottom” and deciding she’s had enough. I think sorting this through, maybe including the other friend, with a trusted advisor in person might be the way to go.


#5

It is definately not a sin to associate with her, but I think it is imprudent to give her money. You should continue to be her friend and encourage her. You might consider talking about her choices from a less religious view point, because it seems she isn't ready to understand. I would think that explaining how her bad choices are causing problems for her kids and herself from a practical stand, would be more effective.


#6

On one hand you have human emotions pulling at you.

On the other, you are learning if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off, if your eye causes you to sin, poke it out. As it's better to get to heaven without a hand, or sight, than to lose heaven and keep the others.

In this case, a serious conversation is probably required that may be the last conversation with your friend depending on how she reacts.

Straight forward love- She doesn't clean for you, no more money or other things, until she stops xxx. It's too bad you have to treat her like a child, but she is choosing to live her life like one.

By keeping her close and letting her do what she wants with you, when she wants with you, you can talk to her all you want, but until you change your actions, which changes her actions, she won't see the light. (Unless God chooses to intervene)

I would remind you that this is just a website, we are not professionals. A priest or a prof. shrink might be in order. If drugs are involved, the police.


#7

[quote="Allegra, post:5, topic:332238"]
It is definately not a sin to associate with her, but I think it is imprudent to give her money. You should continue to be her friend and encourage her. You might consider talking about her choices from a less religious view point, because it seems she isn't ready to understand. I would think that explaining how her bad choices are causing problems for her kids and herself from a practical stand, would be more effective.

[/quote]

I agree with this.

She needs to consider the consequences of her choices in the here and now, especially with regard to her children. Talk of sin and hell are not going to get through to her (they rarely get through to anyone, unless the person is seeking a higher truth). Helping her find a way to create a more normal life for her family may be something she seeks now.

Keep in mind that the sorts of behaviours described are often symptomatic of childhood issues, such as to do with how she was raised, potential abuse, absentee father, or similar. If such issues exist, she may need to acknowledge and explore them through counselling before she is likely to change her behaviours at all.

But to answer your direct question, no there is no need to stop associating with her.


#8

[quote="French_Toast, post:1, topic:332238"]
I have a friend who I have known for 25 years, since high school. We were extremely close then and in our twenties/thirties and we were both partiers, young and wild and living a very unwholesome promiscuous life. I have changed my life slowly since about 2006 and am now a Catholic, go to Mass each week, take part in the sacraments, etc. I have repented of a lot of sins of my former life (still working on others) I know I am a horrible sinner and I am not throwing stones, but I'm starting to wonder if I am putting myself in moral jeapordy just being around this person.

I only see her now about 1-2 times per year, mostly she will come to hang out and clean my house in exchange for helping her with money or other things sometimes. She has continued to live her life in a disastrously sinful way. She has one other Catholic friend who has tried to tell her as I have that she needs to quit sinning and get back to God and Jesus, but it has no effect, and I don't think it will anytime soon.

On the short list she has had multiple kids out of wedlock with different fathers, has never worked, married someone and has slept with all of his three brothers, got impregnated by a 15 year old when she was in her twenties, and has a parade of drunken sometimes violent men in and out of her household with her kids all watching this. Her only focus in life is men and alchohol.

I found out this year that the former 15 year old who is now in his thirties, duped her into flying her and the son they had together to fly to New York to be on the Jeremy Kyle show, where he wanted to expose to the world that she was a sex offender, shame her, and get a DNA test. She refused to go on the show and her and her son ended up stranded in New York City...its just stuff like this all the time.

Whenever I or her other friend try to help her by reminding her about God, she just says that God forgives. I truly think that she thinks that she's fine and that God will forgive her for whatever she does but that she doesn't have to change anything in her life. I am extremely worried about her soul. I want her to see the light and change because if she doesn't I'm afraid she will go to hell.

Is it my responsibility to keep at her about changing her life and getting back to God?

Should I not associate with her at all and just pray for her from a distance?

Is it a sin to keep associating with her?

This has bothered me for quite awhile.

[/quote]

I agree with an above poster. It does sound like she is in need of a really good friend. Trying to get someone to change rarely changes them. Loving them by being a good friend and truly living your faith is a good way to start. She obviously has some serious wounds and needs help. If you are living your faith, she is going to know that you don't approve of her lifestyle, so telling her isn't telling her something she doesn't already know, but your constant love can have a huge impact, even if you don't see it.

Follow what your heart tells you


#9

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