What would Jesus say to Joseph Smith


#1

The Lord Jesus Christ
100 St. Peter’s Way
New Jerusalem
Heaven

Dear Joseph,

Thank you for writing. I am sorry to hear that Bogia 4 in the 8th Circle does not appeal to you. I will consider your request to move to the 2nd Circle. I think you might have a good case. In the future do not write my address as “Kolob”. There is no such place.

I have done what you requested and have prayed about the Book of Mormon to see whether it is true. I am afraid my answer is “no”. I don’t remember leading the Hebrews to the America’s to found a civilization. Neither did I visit there after my resurrection.

After further research I have discovered that your story of the gold plates was a fabrication and that you used your hat and a “seer” stone to “translate” “spiritual” plates. There never were any real plates.

In addition I have reviewed your story about your alleged prophetic call. My records show no such visitation. In fact you had several contradictory stories before you settled on one. I am obligated to inform you that you were never a prophet.

In favor of your move to the 2nd Circle, however, we have the testimony of your many wives. Lust seems to have been a special problem for you Joseph. Telling the truth was likewise difficult for you. That is what brought you to the place that you now dwell.

Please consider renouncing your claim to prophet status. Also realize that you will never be a god and populate planets with your spirit children. Your preoccupation with sex is most unfortunate, yet not uncommon among self-proclaimed prophets.

Instead I ask that you pray about whether or not I am true. Confess the one Triune God. Ask for forgiveness for your many lies and sins against the sixth commandment. Admit you were wrong. If you truly repent you will be able to enter heaven itself (not some celestial kingdom, but the real heaven). I look forward to your response.

Love,
Jesus Christ


#2

Hey you’re right… why is that, anyway?


#3

More likely it would be a shorter, “Well done thou good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of thy Lord.”

Or maybe more of a “Come unto me thou blessed. There is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen.”

Alma


#4

From Satan, yes. Because he certainly did a great job doing the work of the Lord of Lies…


#5

exo, That is a good question. Any psychologists out there want to opine?

alma, apparently mormons don’t read Dante. Check out the Inferno in your local library. Then you will see where Joe ended up.


#6

That tells me you know about as much about Mormons as you do hell. I’ve read Dante’s Inferno in the original. Peter I know and Paul and Jesus, but exactly which Bible includes Dante as part of the canon?

Alma


#7

Alma, then you know the place where I placed Joe is where the false prophets are and the place where he is appealing to go is where the lustful go. I think you also need to consider the literary genre of the letter I wrote. Even better you might consider what it was conveying about your “prophet”.


#8

P.S.
Be glad I didn’t stick you back in Palmyra for all eternity. And couldn’t you at least have come up with something original for the Temple Ceremonies, rather than just cribbing them from the Masons?
J.C.


#9

Instead of “Dear Joseph,” I think it would probably say “How,”


#10

“Would Joseph Smith please report to the principle’s office?”

“Why are the Utah Jazz called the Jazz anyway?”


#11

For the same reason the L.A. Lakers are called he Lakers.:smiley:


#12

I still think you should publsih your letters in a book… but then again, if you think it twice, they are offensive to other religious groups, but those groups don’t hesitate on attacking the CC, so…

You should publish them, they might hit the spot people need to come into their senses.


#13

Ok this really did make me LOL … good one!


#14

actually it’s because the Jazz started out in New Orleans and later moved to Utah.


#15

For a priest, it would seem you’re rather overstepping your bounds, cestus. Acting in persona Christi for the purposes of consecration is the priest’s domain; speaking as him is not a privilege granted to even the pope.

I would like to imagine the Christ’s words to each of your targets would be ‘hey, man, let’s ditch this crowd and grab a beer’ (Mohammed could get coffee, I guess) but then I am not pretending to speak for a god.


#16

I wish that the Lord would say to him “your sins are forgiven” enter into my presence and join in the beatific vision. I don’t wish an eternity of hell on anyone but I fear that is the fate for false prophets.


#17

Because New Orleans had already chosen the name “Saints” (“Oh when the Saints go marching in…”)


#18

i bet Jesus would ask Smith, “are you serious?”


#19

Because they were originally the New Orleans Jazz and left NO for SLC. We had both Saints and Jazz at one time.


#20

I never knew that. But that makes perfect sense!


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