What's happening to me?

Ever since I made it my New Year’s resolution to quit masturbating for good, I keep having these dreams of masturbating to my own gender: female. They feel so real that it often feels like I’ve actually done it in real life. The difference between reality and fantasy becomes blurred, causing me to question over and over if I’ve actually done it on purpose.

What the hell is going on? I’m trying to stop here. That was one of my New Year’s resolutions. It’s almost as if my body is craving for it or as if somebody is beckoning me back to the habit. And I won’t say it’s Satan, neither. Because I don’t believe it is. I think it’s my inner desires taking root in my dreams: masturbating shamelessly to my own sex. Deep down inside, I think–no, I KNOW that I like it. But in spite of that, I’m doing all I can to ignore these desires.

That is the subconscious (“operating or existing outside of consciousness”). Humans have concupiscence. One is not mortally culpable for the unconscious.

Modern Catholic Dictionary, concupiscence:

Insubordination of man’s desires to the dictates of reason, and the propensity of human nature to sin as a result of original sin. More commonly, it refers to the spontaneous movement of the sensitive appetites toward whatever the imagination portrays as pleasant and away from whatever it portrays as painful. However, concupiscence also includes the unruly desires of the will, such as pride, ambition, and envy. (Etym. Latin con-, thoroughly + cupere, to desire: concupiscentia, desire, greed, cupidity.)

St. Augustine wrote about this in the Confessions, Book 10 Chapter 30. Food for thought.


Chapter 30. Of the Perverse Images of Dreams, Which He Wishes to Have Taken Away.

  1. Verily, You command that I should be continent from the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. You have commanded me to abstain from concubinage; and as to marriage itself, You have advised something better than You have allowed. And because You gave it, it was done; and that before I became a dispenser of Your sacrament. But there still exist in my memory— of which I have spoken much— the images of such things as my habits had fixed there; and these rush into my thoughts, though strengthless, when I am awake; but in sleep they do so not only so as to give pleasure, but even to obtain consent, and what very nearly resembles reality. Yea, to such an extent prevails the illusion of the image, both in my soul and in my flesh, that the false persuade me, when sleeping, unto that which the true are not able when waking. Am I not myself at that time, O Lord my God? And there is yet so much difference between myself and myself, in that instant wherein I pass back from waking to sleeping, or return from sleeping to waking! Where, then, is the reason which when waking resists such suggestions? And if the things themselves be forced on it, I remain unmoved. Is it shut up with the eyes? Or is it put to sleep with the bodily senses? But whence, then, comes it to pass, that even in slumber we often resist, and, bearing our purpose in mind, and continuing most chastely in it, yield no assent to such allurements? And there is yet so much difference that, when it happens otherwise, upon awaking we return to peace of conscience; and by this same diversity do we discover that it was not we that did it, while we still feel sorry that in some way it was done in us.
  1. Is not Your hand able, O Almighty God, to heal all the diseases of my soul, and by Your more abundant grace to quench even the lascivious motions of my sleep? You will increase in me, O Lord, Your gifts more and more, that my soul may follow me to You, disengaged from the bird-lime of concupiscence; that it may not be in rebellion against itself, and even in dreams not simply not, through sensual images, commit those deformities of corruption, even to the pollution of the flesh, but that it may not even consent unto them. For it is no great thing for the Almighty, who is able to do . . . above all that we ask or think, Ephesians 3:20 to bring it about that no such influence— not even so slight a one as a sign might restrain— should afford gratification to the chaste affection even of one sleeping; and that not only in this life, but at my present age. But what I still am in this species of my ill, have I confessed unto my good Lord; rejoicing with trembling in that which You have given me, and bewailing myself for that wherein I am still imperfect; trusting that You will perfect Your mercies in me, even to the fullness of peace, which both that which is within and that which is without shall have with You, when death is swallowed up in victory. 1 Corinthians 15:54

I wouldn’t worry about it. Dreams are weird, there is really no rhyme or reason to them. I tend to have vivid dreams and sometimes that means vividly dreaming about some… odd sexual experiences. In the end it doesn’t really matter, dreams are your brain trying to sort through the activities of the previous day, we have no real conscious control over them. Unless you’re dwelling on these dreams when you’re awake and further fantasizing about these activities I wouldn’t worry it.

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