I’ve written on this subject many times, but I’m so scared now. I need to shake this off of me.
So, two years ago, I was exposed to the world of doctrinal and dogmatic Christianity, which was different from trying to determine the existence of God through philosophy. Now I was convinced there was a God, and suddenly I care when I hear fundamentalists say that I’m an idolater, and that I’m in the whore of Babylon. I have OCD, too, so this was the tipping point of my obsessive nature. I kept hearing John MacArthur say that Catholicism is the kingdom of satan. I eventually confused myself into thinking the devil was greater than God, and I convinced myself I blasphemed the Holy Spirit, and in my despair, I felt this presence inside me that seemed like it was pulling me towards the devil. Every time I saw satanic things on the internet, I would get excited, and I would catch myself calling him Lord. I kept thinking of Jesus, but I’d suddenly change Him into the devil in my thought process, and the devil thought seemed to draw me towards satan, and I couldn’t shake it.
I eventually despaired so much that I agreed to sell my soul for the return of my heterosexuality, which was another story rooted in perpetual OCD doubting, and self bullying, and after this deal, I’m suddenly finding girls to be attractive again.
But soon, I regretted my deal with the devil, and I’ve been turning to God, asking Him to forgive me and make this all go away. I’ve done everything I can. I pray the rosary, but I have temptations to pray to the devil for things, because even though I know that I will go to Hell if I do so, it is hard for me to shake it off. It’s like Frodo and the Ring in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings series. I try so hard, but I doubt that God will answer. Every time I try to pray, I feel super tired and I can’t breathe, like something is not letting me pray.
Could God be angry with me and is He sending this as a form of chastisement? Why is He letting the devil take control of me?