When abuse is always lingering


#1

Who is in a toxic relationship but continues to be in it because divorce is out of the question; children are involved. You find yourself having less and less tolerance towards those who hurt you especially your spouse. It is one thing to have been, and sometimes still be, the recepient of your spouse’s abuse, but to have your children treat you has he has done is enough.

Who feels they put up with enough but feel they must bear their cross and save the marriage?


#2

[quote="Still_Hoping, post:1, topic:235525"]
Who is in a toxic relationship but continues to be in it because divorce is out of the question; children are involved. You find yourself having less and less tolerance towards those who hurt you especially your spouse. It is one thing to have been, and sometimes still be, the recepient of your spouse's abuse, but to have your children treat you has he has done is enough.

Who feels they put up with enough but feel they must bear their cross and save the marriage?

[/quote]

Okay, here's the deal...I'm sure there are women out there who, on their own accord, think they need to "bear the cross" of abuse and try and save a marriage because they cannot possibly get divorced.
First of all, if there is enough abuse that one is posting about on a forum and the spouse in question is still abusing, not remorseful, and has not sought therapy, it's time to realize that the marriage is not salvageable unless the abusive spouse is ready to repent and get help. And even then, it's not always possible to save the marriage.

Next, if there are children involved, there is no way, shape, or form, one can possibly say they are "bearing a cross" because it's not just she that is involved, it's her children. You cannot be "bearing that cross" while your children are there witnessing it. What sort of example is one setting for her children?

By doing so, the woman is sending a loud and clear message to her sons that it's okay to abuse your spouse...."see, mommy gets hit, yelled at, demoralized, whatever....and that's okay because it's her cross to bear in life, so go ahead and do this when you are married". It's okay to act like Daddy does when he's "mad".

For the daughters........ the message that one is sending is: "just offer it up and take it sweetie, that's what we women must do, even unto death". Do you find that even remotely acceptable? I hope not!

The abused spouse needs to seek help as soon as possible. Get the children and get out!

I will be praying that you find the strength to seek appropriate help and salvage the future of your children, if you aren't able to accept seeking help for yourself. But, you are a child of God and you do not deserve to be abused.


#3

This situation is pathological. Your children will learn that family members — mothers – are weak and can be used and abused. Your sons will grow up and think women can be abused because that’s what women want. Your daughters will grow up and think men can treat them like excrement and that they deserve it. How bad do you want to ruin your kids’ lives?

This is not you being a christian or saint. This a co-dependent relationship of ongoing abuse. Believe me, growing up hearing the sperm donor calling, occasionally screaming, at my mom the she’s a “dumb (vile word that starts with c and rhymes with bunt)” WILL mess up your kids.

Divorce may not be an option. Getting his sorry rear end out of your house is an option. If he doesn’t have the gonads to leave, then you need to. Unless you really really want your kids to suffer. And they will suffer. Be there, done that. Leave.


#4

Here is the USCCB statement on domestic violence and it states very clearly that NO ONE should stay in an environment where there is abuse:

When I Call For Help

I have been there, done that, lost the tee-shirt in the divorce. Working on the decree of nullity which I consider that process started the day he left. I am sorry that I was not stronger and did not end it sooner. Had I seen this sooner I may have. God bless.


#5

Me.


#6

I knew it. I am not the sick one; he is. I am tired of being manipulated into thinking that I was the one who provoked him and that I need help. It’s funny this kind of abuse is even worse than the physical. At least you can see the scars and know that he is causing real harm. But the real harm was to my soul and that of my young daughters who suffered much. I thought I was being strong by submitting myself to him so that he won’t get angry. Instead I have caused some irrevocable damage. My eldest is showing signs that frighten me. She is good but has a mean streak like her father.

I am scared to leave now because they love their father and say they will resent me if I divorce him. What can I do? I should of left when they were too little to understand, but he threatened me so many times that I knew he would do good on his threats. I have been sleeping with the enemy. I want to be free but only until I have the Lord’s blessing; I cannot do it when I am angry but when I become resolute. Right now I am still doubting. However a separation would be good at least. He will not leave the house; and he will not let me leave with the girls. My only option is a safehouse but I cannot bring my girls if they comprise the location and I know one of them will.

What can I do?


#7

Call the cops and get out of the situation. You have a lot going for you in the court systems as a woman...last time I called the cops, they arrested me. It was thrown out of court but I learned my lesson. Just get out and move on.


#8

So you are living the same thing? I wish we could talk and help eachother. This is my only outlet and a therapist that I see once in a while. It helps along with being proactive and very busy and prayerful. My faith saves me but it also makes me feel chained to this man, I knew I shouldn’t of married. All the signs were there but I was sure that my love would help. How ignorant of me. I consider myself intelligent, educated and a respectable christian yet I am in this situation. What is worse, all who know him can’t ever imagine him getting violent. They think he is an angel. Sometimes I feel so confused that I doubt myself and believe his words. I actually think that it always is my fault. This is a worse feeling than when he hit me. He is careful not to hit me because I have called the police several times now. I have a file on him. This gives me some sense of security and control over him but I am not happy, that is what I know. May God help us.


#9

I’m a guy and my wife thinks itr is ok to drink too much wine and if there is an argument, she’s quick to throw a punch. I’ve been hit more times then Mike Tyson and I’m stuck in this situation. Pray I don’t snap one day.


#10

There’s no such thing as divorce. You’re married until death. Although, a couple can separate. But both parties cannot ‘date’ or look for others, it’s adulterous.

And concerning the children, it must be explained to them that their father’s behavior is unacceptable and that is why they are separating from him.


#11

Last night my hug was met with an "opened handed" wack to my ear. I warned her to knock it off...she thinks it's a joke, my warnings.

Tonight I got a middle finger...so I'm on the computer til I pass out.


#12

Why is your wife so angry with you?


#13

I exsist.


#14

[quote="GessHrck, post:10, topic:235525"]
There's no such thing as divorce. You're married until death. Although, a couple can separate. But both parties cannot 'date' or look for others, it's adulterous.

And concerning the children, it must be explained to them that their father's behavior is unacceptable and that is why they are separating from him.

[/quote]

You are very wrong. In abusive situations yes you can divorce.

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law. 176 If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

Also while you cannot date with just with the divorce you can file for a decree of nullity. It does not mean it will be accepted. However, you said you saw signs when you got married. You need to take a look at this. It does not mean you may ever want to date again but sometimes it is just a matter of having the healing process and knowing that the chapter is closed and your marriage was valid or it was not.

This is a link to the Code of Canon Law concerning Marriage, Decree of Nullity, and Consent


#15

I’m sorry things are rough. =/ Try speaking with her. I’ll try to remember you in my prayers.


#16

I do like the part you said about explaining things to the children - I think however, that this might need the back up of a Christian/Catholic counselor in order to have the weight it needs as there are already rebellion issues with the oldest and she is old enough to think for herself.


#17

Still Hoping, you may have to go to Catholic Counseling to make it work...If a threat of violence is made...get out asap. You have my prayers.


#18

You are absolutely correct. Spiritual director, maybe? It is very necessary.

Also, divorces are just an imaginary friend unless the church has approved of it.


#19

Even in the Canon Law - it states that a divorce can be initiated without permission upon threat of violence. In these types of cases the most dangerous times are when one starts going through the process of leaving. I don’t think you read either document - one being the actual Canon Law - one being an actual Magesterium document on domestic violence. They are both very clear. No one is saying date without a decree of nullity - or at least that is not what I am hearing - but Canon law has made these situations very clear that if you are threatened you do not need to wait.

Canon 1153.1 A spouse who occasions grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children, or otherwise makes the common life unduly difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave, either by a decree of the local Ordinary or, if there is danger in delay, even on his or her own authority.

I think upon reading this what you and I are doing is I am using the term “civil divorce” which the OP will recognize and you are using the term “separation while the bond remains” which is canonical which are both correct and mean the same morally in terms obligation but either one can be scrutinized by the decree of nullity process. I just want to make clear what we are talking about because not everyone is used to reading Canonical documents.


#20

“provides the other spouse with a reason to leave”

Does this not mean simply separation? I don’t think “leave” explicitly denotes divorce. I’ve been told by several priests that divorce is only acceptable when blessed by the church under rare circumstances [for instance if they were never married at all–“Bob” was drunk when he vowed to to be with “Jane” for life.]


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