Life has been so challenging lately. I have wanted to post and ask for support for quite awhile, but I felt like I shouldn’t. My burden, by worldwide standards, is very light. But right now it feels so heavy. Then as I started this thread I thought again, “How selfish!” I have an amazing amount of support in real life, but I just can’t seem to wrap my mind and heart around everything going on. No one I know is quite where I am. Even with the extra help, all the prayers, and support here on CAF. I still feel like I am being drilled into the ground.
Here’s the rundown: (not necessarily in order and with random breaks for whitespace) 7 months post-partum; 3-year-old in preschool because of delays; recovering from a remodel (paid for by family since we rent from them); garage is full from the remodel, car feels evicted; having hormonal headaches, dr’s advice, “stop breast-feeding if they are that bad”; struggling to promote NFP because of resistance;
baby daughter has 2 volumes, and ; feeling guilty for getting help from my mom; feeling bad for failing at the one thing I’ve ever wanted to be (wife, mom, homemaker); my sewing business has been closed for the remodel since November; lots and lots of abstinence because CM is all fertile, can’t get temps because of baby hours;
so tired I keep losing it with my son; feeling guilty for feeling guilty about bad parenting; I’m awake when I should be asleep, and vice versa; been too sick or whatnot to run errands; have missed Mass more lately than when I was practically a lapsed Catholic; struggling because I have it all and yet I still can’t get my act together lately; frustrated because prayer just doesn’t seem like enough lately; cat of 10 years died recently; Been in the longest single fibromyalgia flare of my life, if I ask dr for help he just says it is PPD (those who know me say it isn’t); generally frustrated at being sick; heavier than I have been in my life; massive medical bills even with insurance;
And oh yeah probably the single biggest one: My dear husband, my knight-in-shining-armor, my rock, is in the most stressful event of his life. His sleep disorder has gotten out of control and has finally had to see a neurologist for it. He woke up one morning to his wife and children gone with no memory of yelling and threatening us. (It wasn’t us he was threatening, but whomever he was angry at in the dream he was acting out.) So my very shy, reserved husband has to go to the hospital on May 9 and get wires hooked to his head and try to sleep there overnight. Want to see a giant, fearless man terrified? Yeah, that’ll do it!
So the good things: a loving family (including in-laws); that loud baby is Daddy’s little girl and such a blessing to him; a mom who lives close and comes on a moments notice when I’m terribly sick; friends who pray with me; roof over our heads; money coming in; my new EM make-up to boost my self-esteem; a son who recently learned to say, “I love you, Mommy”; a fat, healthy baby (last one wasn’t); a loving husband who loves his family so much that he is willing to get wires on his head; and finally, our faith, yep, still Catholic!
I don’t really know why I finally posted. I’m long-winded even now. I think I could just use extra prayers and support. Posting now before I lose my courage…