When married people change over time


#1

when my husband and i met, he believed strongly in certain things that were important to me. i feel in love with a certain person. he believed and acted in certain ways for 10 years...then it seems like in the past 5 years all the things he used to believe in he has turned to the opposite extreme beliefs and has done a complete reversal in everything. Its like he woke up one day and decided to do the opposite in everything he ever believed in. I would never have married a man that I knew did/acted/believed/ in certain things/ways. (to give some examples: smoking, drinking, swearing etc......and it goes on and on)

I know you are thinking--"I am sue you have chnaged as well" but I swear I have not changed at all in anything I believed or in any way at all since the day I married him.

So---I do not want a divorce...but this is so hard. Its depressing! I am married and am sticking by my vows but am not happy. Its very hard to be married to someone who I have nothing in common with....

I almost feel as if he was faking all along and this is his true persona....I feel like i was duped into marrying him.

any advice?


#2

Pray with all your strength for guidance from Our Lady and for grace for your husband. Be the best wife that you can be and try not to show your dissatisfaction with him. Do this for one month and see how things are at that time. If he's still being difficult make an appointment with your priest to discuss the issues at home. God bless you.


#3

Perhaps he entered a stressful moment in his life and his coping mechanisms were not there and he began to repeat his father's behaviour?

What was his childhood like?


#4

[quote="mamamayi, post:1, topic:254532"]
when my husband and i met, he believed strongly in certain things that were important to me. i feel in love with a certain person. he believed and acted in certain ways for 10 years...then it seems like in the past 5 years all the things he used to believe in he has turned to the opposite extreme beliefs and has done a complete reversal in everything. Its like he woke up one day and decided to do the opposite in everything he ever believed in. I would never have married a man that I knew did/acted/believed/ in certain things/ways. (to give some examples: smoking, drinking, swearing etc......and it goes on and on)

I know you are thinking--"I am sue you have chnaged as well" but I swear I have not changed at all in anything I believed or in any way at all since the day I married him.

So---I do not want a divorce...but this is so hard. Its depressing! I am married and am sticking by my vows but am not happy. Its very hard to be married to someone who I have nothing in common with....

I almost feel as if he was faking all along and this is his true persona....I feel like i was duped into marrying him.

any advice?

[/quote]

What happened 5 years ago?

If you have not changed at all in 15 years, that is nothing to brag about. Life does change us, if we are growing. They don't have to be negative changes, as you imply your husband's have been, but if you don't change at all, you are not growing.

And if it took him 10 years to revert "back," that's not his true personality, trust me. Does he drink, and if so, when did he start?


#5

Might I suggest you have what they used to call a "Come to Jesus" meeting with him where you go over these things? Ask him to be brutally honest because you love him and want to know what's going on and if there's anything you can do.


#6

I'm so sorry for you. Your in my prayers.

On the smoking/swearing/drinking thing-did he not do any of it before you were married? It's just sort of surprising-most people who smoke/drink do so at a young age-under 18ish.

The cursing thing I don't get-most people curse less when they get older in my experience.

Did anything happen? A death in his family or something?

Nec5 is right, and we don't agree on much. (;)) You need to sit him down and confront this.


#7

[quote="Rascalking, post:6, topic:254532"]
INec5 is right, and we don't agree on much. (;))

[/quote]

[jerkcomment from me] Hey, that's okay. Not everybody can be right like me all the time. [/jerkcomment from me] Hardy har.:D:eek:

Yeah, have a sit down and talk it through with your husband.


#8

[quote="Nec5, post:7, topic:254532"]
[jerkcomment from me] Hey, that's okay. Not everybody can be right like me all the time. [/jerkcomment from me] Hardy har.:D:eek:

.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:

That made me laugh, thank you!

God bless.


#9

[quote="mamamayi, post:1, topic:254532"]
when my husband and i met, he believed strongly in certain things that were important to me. i feel in love with a certain person. he believed and acted in certain ways for 10 years...then it seems like in the past 5 years all the things he used to believe in he has turned to the opposite extreme beliefs and has done a complete reversal in everything. Its like he woke up one day and decided to do the opposite in everything he ever believed in. I would never have married a man that I knew did/acted/believed/ in certain things/ways. (to give some examples: smoking, drinking, swearing etc......and it goes on and on)

I know you are thinking--"I am sue you have chnaged as well" but I swear I have not changed at all in anything I believed or in any way at all since the day I married him.

So---I do not want a divorce...but this is so hard. Its depressing! I am married and am sticking by my vows but am not happy. Its very hard to be married to someone who I have nothing in common with....

I almost feel as if he was faking all along and this is his true persona....I feel like i was duped into marrying him.

any advice?

[/quote]

LOL! You can't "fake it" for 10 years... so that's not even worth considering, you weren't "duped" into marrying him and sorry to break it to you but you have changed as well, that's just a fact.

So that being said, you have a husband who now does stuff which you don't like or condone. What happened 5 years ago or around the time this stuff started? Was there some stressor that could have caused this? New friends? loss of old ones?

Did something happen between you guys? Children? Money? Different Job roles?

When was the last time you guys went off somewhere together? Do you feel like you even know him anymore and if you don't, how do you think he feels?

The habits aren't the real issue, the issue is that you guys need to reconnect to find who you are now and how much of the person you fell in love with 15 years ago is still right there no matter what else changed, learning how to love and accept those changes each of you have gone though and what you want the rest of your life together to be like.

Marriage takes a lot of work but it doesn't sound like there are any real major issues like infidelity or anything. There are many Church sponsored retreats for married couples, I would start with one of those :)

Joe


#10

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