In a nutshell, I have been married 19 years, and in that time, my husband’s family has not once invited me, or even expressed any desire, to have me visit. (They’re about 5,000 miles away). There have been a number of other incidents which leave me feeling they don’t regard me as a member of their family, not welcome, and not wanted. DH has told me flat out that I am not part of their family. By contrast, dh is treated exactly the same by my parents as any of us born into our family.
Now, dh and I are flying to within a hundred miles or so of his mother and sister. MIL and SIL have decided they will come to where we are and join us for a day. I talked to my mil last night, and it struck me only afterward, when my son mistakenly thought they’d invited us to visit them: we’re that close and they still didn’t invite me. It didn’t occur to me at first that they would, but now that my son mentioned it, it is bothering me as just another indication that I am not welcome. (And I believe I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. If I’d done something awful to them, I’d understand.)
I believe the Biblical advise would be to go talk to them. But I know from past experience with dh and various of his family that I will be told I’m imagining things. Moreover, dh has lied to me repeatedly over things large and small for many years. I have experienced the same thing from another member of his family. So I believe that talking to them is useless.
I know the next advice is, after trying to talk to someone, nothing changes, ‘shake the dust from your feet.’ (Or something to that effect.)
It’s been 24 hours since my phone call, and I’m getting over my initial anger and annoyance at the realization that a normal family would have been thrilled to death and invited us over. I’m pretty sure I’ll just try to be gracious when they meet up with us. But I would still really like to know, as a good Catholic, who wants very much to follow God’s will, at what point is it acceptable to finally keep my distance, to say to dh, “Enjoy your visit with them, but I am not spending my time with people who have made it clear I’m dirt beneath their feet?”