When will it all end?


#1

I have written about my sister and her ex and their situation for the last 5 years. Thing are not good between them. I have asked for prayers in the intention forum. I have asked for advice and received great ones. I guess now, I am just tired and wondering when will the suffering end for these children. I know no one can answer that and I may just be venting, but I hope someone is listening. My sister and almost everyone in my family turns to me for words of encouragement and strength and I point them to God. I tell them to trust in the Lord and to trust in Him that he has a reason for allowing it all. I need your help now and you to tell me the same advice I give to my family for I get discouraged too. I get so overwhelmed.

To made a long story short, my sister's ex took her son on a so called visitation, it was not one of his, but one she allowed for her son wanted to see his dad. It was on MLK's day. He now is refusing to give her son back to her. He is not taking him to school and did not take him to his psychology appt. The law can not do anything. She has called the sheriff's office and showed up with them at his door, and they can't do anything for he is the other parent and shares custody even though it is not his visitation time. The police just say it is a court matter. This dad knows this for he is a cop and so is his wife and they knew the sheriff that showed up at their house. They were buddies. My sister's attorney said they can file an emergency motion tomorrow morning but it is really up to the judge if he considers it an emergency. They are going to mention that her son is going without his medication that is medically necessary and the dad doesn't seem to care and that he is not bringing him to school. He is not plannning on taking him to school tomorrow either. He didn't go today. That is all the lawyer can do. So this dad can keep his son as long as it takes the judge to get to the case. He will be found in contempt, but he probably knows that will just be a slap on the wrist. He told my sister today that change is going to happen and that his son needs a break from the school, the counselors, and her. The reason the dad is so afraid of the school is because this is a special behavioral school with psychologist that my nephew talks to and he has said too much already to make the dad look bad. He doesn't like that. He wants him out of this school. When my sister asked him why he didn't take him to school today, he said because his son didn't want to go and hates the school. That is not true, he loves that school. They are doing what is called "parent alienation" and my nephew who once loved his mother to death and did so much for her and had many interest has lost interest in everything except the obsession of wanting to be with his dad and hating being with his mother. His sister was so worried of never seeing him again that she called him tonight and her dad answered. She told her dad that she wanted to say good night to her brother and he said he had to think about it. He waited about two minutes before giving the phone to her brother, which we think he was telling his son what to say for she didn't get a chance to talk. He immediately said to her, "If you ever want to see me again, you need to come her. I am not going to school tomorrow" and hung up. She called me crying for her mother was taking an online test for her degree and didn't want to upset her. She called without her mom knowing. I felt so bad for her. She was angry at her dad for she said she knows her dad and knows he is the one putting all these thoughts in her brother. She said she saw it when she had to go on visitation but since he has not forced her in the last two months, he has been working on the son alone and is angry at her for not going willingly on his visitation. At Christmas, he gave her one gift and gave his son 7 gifts and than goes up to her and tells her why she only got one because she refuses to go on visitation with him.

I am concerned for I don't trust the justice system. We had a judge in the past that sided with the dad always even in the face of child abuse. We do have a different judge this time, but this attorney said he is not that great in protecting kids. Please pray and any words you can offer to me would be nice. I guess I am just tired and feeling down tonight. :(


#2

Hi Nana, it’s not going to end. I know that you probably already know this. You and your sister will find a lot more peace once you stop being surprised by all of his stunts and just accept that it’s not going to change and there is little that the legal system will do or can do. Just keep a log of it and don’t get sucked in emotionally.

Don’t jump when her ex pulls the strings. Let him keep the child away from school for a week, keeping in contact with the school to let them know that he is with the dad and the dad is keeping him from school and from his medication. It might take a few days, but there will be more of a response from the legal system if you call his bluff and don’t immediately take him to court and it is the system itself that is calling him out for his unacceptable parenting choices.

Have your sister send him a brief, emotionless email that is only fact based stating that his visitation time is over, that he needs to return the child to her and to school, that it is not acceptable for him to be held away from school and from medication that was prescribed to him. That way, when they do go back to court, she can demonstrate that keeping him out of school was his father’s choice. The court will not be impressed.

She really needs to avoid being the over emotional puppet on a string. She needs to find some peace, strength, and determination. I think Mother Theresa used to say, “Do right and fear no one.”


#3

I can only think to pray for your nephew, your sister, you all.
:coffee::coffee::coffee:


#4

Did you know this?

“Prescriptions for psychiatric drugs increased 50 percent with children in the US from 1996 to 2006, according to a study in the May/June 2009 issue of the journal Health Affairs. Another study in the same issue of Health Affairs found spending for mental health care grew more than 30 percent over the same ten-year period, with almost all of the increase due to psychiatric drug costs.”

The law better find a way to do something.


#5

Thank you all for responsing and your prayers. I agree with all of you and I know that my sister is too emotional and allows herself to be a puppet to her husband. I am just tired of the whole situation but stay calm for her. I tell her to email him and what to put in it for sometimes she is too angry in them and I will tell her to delete that part and etc. I will tell her to email him. She did email on Monday night to tell him his visitation has ended and to return their child and that he needed medication. So she did email once, but one more telling about him missing school would be great too.

This morning her daughter is sick to her stomach over this whole situation. She called her brother again last night and her stepmother was mean to her on the phone because she answered her dad's cell. She just wants to talk to her brother. She misses him. She can't understand it all. She is only 13 and has been going through this since 8 years old too. She hates it too. She cried for two hours in her mother's arms last night. She gets sick to her stomach when she is emotional. She was that way when she was forced to go on visitation with her dad and missed many days of school and couldn't eat and had an ulcer.

For now, this morning, my sister's attorney had her sign a motion that is not considered an "emergency motion" but something else, and if the judge is in a "good mood" said the attorney, he will sign it. If he signs it, my sister can go with the police and pick up her son, but the dad gets him this weekend again and he can do it again on Sunday night and not return him. Please pray the judge signs this today.

As far as the kid staying out of school, we have to remember we are dealing with two smart cops. What they will tell the judge or the law is that they were looking into other schools to put his son into and withdrawing him out of the old school. He told my sister that he was looking into other schools, but her attorney said he can't just switch schools like that without her, the mother's, approval.

Please pray that judge willl sign this paperwork. Thanks. I just have to remain strong and focused for her and my family. I need to keep my eyes on Jesus and trust that he will see us through all this. In my heart, when I pray though, I do see this ending. I feel that someday my sister will get full and sole custody of her child. This man, this dad, is turning his son against his mother. The laweyers have ordered a psychological evaluation with one of central Florida's well known forensic psychologist and she will find out the truth of this couple. For years, we have known they are mentally sick and have played these mind games with my sister and worse with the kids. I have trust the judge will order supervised visitation based on this woman's findings, but reading all that my sister has logged in her log book over the last 6 years.

She has logged all his behaviors and all that he has done to her and the kids. We also have an injunction that his current wife filed against him when they separated for one year but later she changed her mind, but it was still public record, that shows where she states her husband, this dad, is a "very violent man" and she said he has a record of violent history in another county. We know about that too for the kids for part of the domestic violence and told us about it. Even though the current wife did not file any charges, there was a 911 tape and I heard it and the counselors have heard it. This man trust me is very violent and a very angry person. He was not this way when he was married to my sister. The combo with this woman who is unstable too, has made him a mad man. What I heard on the tape and how he was hurting on of his children was terrible. The judge needs to heard it and if not him, the forensic psychologic when she does her entire report. The attorneys said she will read the contact logs, listen too the tape, read the injunction and do all the evaluations on everyone and than make her conclusion whether it is safe for the kids to be with this man.


#6

If she were my sister, I'd look her in the eye and say "The day you decided to have sex with this man (if she waited til marriage, then, I'd say 'to marry this man'), you decided to join your life with his until death. You chose him. You chose to have children with him when you had sex with him. Children create a 'no give backs' in a relationship. You my sister are bound to this man for life. You can be the rock that your kids can lean on or you can be bashed about by the chaos caused by your choices. Time to decide."


#7

That's a little harsh. Having been with one of those kind of guys, no one CHOOSES to have their life and their kids ruined. Yes, you are stuck, but it's not like someone picked out an abuser deliberately because they wanted to be treated like (((( for the next 20 years.

This chaos is not caused by HER choices. There are many divorces I have seen where the couple is able to cooperate and put the best interest of the kids forward. But there is a certain kind of ex spouse, who is an abusive personality, who uses the mechanics of the legal system and the divorce infrastructure to continue bullying and abuse. It's never about the kids. It's about their own ego, their own needs. They continue to insert chaos into the situation and don't care that it prevents the kids from healing.

And it is horrible to be stuck with that. Jerks during marriage continue to be jerks after the divorce.

Having said that, I'm not sure how old the boy is. But he's at the age where the lure of daddy is becoming overpowering. The mom might have to let go for a while and let it play out. If he misses too many days of school, he may have to repeat the year. School districts don't care about child tug of war. And if Jr. is off his meds, and he has bad reactions, that will be documented eventually. The courts like stability in a child's life. And if the father looks irresponsible, it will come back to bite him. Even a cop can't get away with that forever.

Eventually the kids have a say in where they live. He may choose his father. And maybe making him stay there and get a gut full will make him want to come home. Been there, done that. Still waiting for the kid to come home. The daughter with the stomach problems... I have one of those too. She needs to focus on being healthy and doing what is right and not getting manipulated herself. Her father is playing favorites. She HAS power in that by staying with her mother, continuing to do well, and being happy, she shows the judge where the good parenting is. They're getting to the age where teenagers start going in different directions. Some of this is expected. It may take time for them to see how their father is jerking everyone around and eventually they will resent him for it. Especially if Jr. has to make up school because of missed days. And if he is put in a new school, mom can march right on down and establish a new rapport with a new counselor.

She needs to recognize that it's all a game for the ex. He LOVES this. And if he knew she was upset, it gives him a huge psychological satisfaction. You can't count on judges. Most of them don't care. But the truancy court and the school board... that's another kettle of fish.

The father is in violation of a custody order. That's what narcissists do. Rules are made for the ex-wife to follow to the letter, but not him. Been there done that.

She's going to have to deal with this till the youngest is 18.

Her one consolation is that people like her ex don't change. Enemies accumulate. And eventually he will trip up somewhere else. Or once the son is in his house he won't want to pay attention to him anymore. He wins the game, but he didn't really want the toy. It was all about the tug of war.

The son will then realize he was a pawn.

Mom needs to go out and have some serious girl time with the daughter and focus on her needs right now.


#8

The parent with whom the children live DOES have choices. She can move as far as possible within the state. She can fight legally every step of the way. She can enforce the court visitiation to the letter.

No one is a victim unless they let themselves be.


#9

[quote="that_name, post:6, topic:183761"]
If she were my sister, I'd look her in the eye and say "The day you decided to have sex with this man (if she waited til marriage, then, I'd say 'to marry this man'), you decided to join your life with his until death. You chose him. You chose to have children with him when you had sex with him. Children create a 'no give backs' in a relationship. You my sister are bound to this man for life. You can be the rock that your kids can lean on or you can be bashed about by the chaos caused by your choices. Time to decide."

[/quote]

You would tell your sister to remain with a violent man? Why? :confused:


#10

I am going to copy what you wrote and email it to my sister. You have been there, as dulcisima has too. I will let her read your words.

By the way, a new development to his tug-a-war, which I suspected. The school called my sister and said that her ex showed up with her son and demanded to withdraw his son from that school. They told him that the county is the one that put their son in this school because of his mental and behavioral problems and he can’t withdraw him. He became irrate and still wanted to withdraw him. The poor lady called the school administrator and she had to talk to him and told him the same. He left very angry. Then this little boy, my nephew text his sister and said good morning and she wrote back to call her and he did. He told her that he was never coming back “there” and that he might come and visit her sometime. She ask him if she knew what she was going to their mother and he said he had to go and hung up.

So the dad is trying to enroll him in another school and he took the day off from work too.


#11

I could not and would not say this to my sister ever. Sorry you feel this way.


#12

Great advice. Encourage the mom to try to calm down before she replies to his antics.

OP, the legal system is a failure sometimes. An absolute failure. But God is bigger than this, really truly He is. Nothing can thwart God’s plan for this little boy. People can choose destructive behavior and God will somehow make a new path. This life isn’t fair, your family has paid a price for that. But I hope this family will reroute their energies into making his life a good wholesome one when he is with his mom.

The dad sounds like he is a real piece of work and has many connections to drain energy and time. Sometimes we hang onto a hope that the legal system will somehow see and ride in on a white horse and lay out real justice. Well it isn’t going to happen.

The stable parent needs to accept, hard as it can be, that things with the dad will fall so very short of where they should be…and realize she can cooperate with God to make a beautiful loving stable life for this little boy when he’s with her. Are they catholic? Never underestimate the power of a house blessing, religious artwork and a regular prayer life for the children. Teach them to be strong. Turn this horrid nightmare into something positive. That people can throw their worst at you and guess what, you may need to make a stop to the Adoration chapel or pray an extra Rosary but by george that peace still remains in you because you’ve got grace! Teach these children to carry their crosses with grace and dignity, patience and TRUST in God. He is so much bigger than this garbage being thrown at your family. God fashioned the eye, so He does see what’s going on. Pray the psalms. Encourage her to make her home a loving stable peaceful environment. That boy sounds like he needs a safe place and your sister should take encouragement from the fact that God will help her give this to her boy.

God bless.


#13

[quote="that_name, post:8, topic:183761"]
The parent with whom the children live DOES have choices. She can move as far as possible within the state. She can fight legally every step of the way. She can enforce the court visitiation to the letter.

No one is a victim unless they let themselves be.

[/quote]

It is not that easy. You must get inform on Florida law. We have done this for 6 years. You don't think my sister has thought of moving far away in the state or even out of state? She can't, according to the attorneys and the law. She has to show just cause. She has to show for example that a school she is going to get a degree at can only get received at that school and not at one near her. We have been there already.

As far as fightly legally every step of the way. She has $26,000.00 worth in legal fees and now she has started up again and paid another $5000.00 for this new lawyer. The psychological evaluation is not cheap but may win her case finally and that is over $6000.00. Every judge has sided with the ex. Every counselor has sided with her and the kids and testified to that fact and how this dad needs supervised visitation and is emotionally harming the children as well as physically when he was abusing them physically. So yes, she has fought all she can do. Our legal system, our so called justice system is not great on women. They side with men and are in favor of men because of the abuses women had in the pass of lying to get even at cheaping husbands. That is what lawyers say and why judges see every case as a woman getting even at their husbands esp. if they remarried. My sister's ex made her out to be a jealous woman and one who was out to get even on him and wanted to prevent him from seeing the kids. That is out justice system and the judge believed him over her and the testimony of counselors. The only way to enforce the visitation court letter is to go to court and find him in contempt and most of the time the judge will just tell him not to do that again, so he gets away with it. We have been there too.

It is not as easy as you state, unfortunately, we have found out personally, as some have too who have responded here to me.


#14

[quote="that_name, post:8, topic:183761"]
The parent with whom the children live DOES have choices. She can move as far as possible within the state. She can fight legally every step of the way. She can enforce the court visitiation to the letter.

No one is a victim unless they let themselves be.

[/quote]

Have you been involved with the family courts?

1) They really want the parents to solve their custody issues and not be looking to the courts to provide a solution for each and every thing that comes up.

2) No one wins in court. You pay your attorneys thousands for solutions that don't work for anybody. You could spend unlimited amounts and still solve nothing. When you are dealing with an ex with a serious personality disorder, nothing is going to get solved, ever, not by being flexible, not by being firm, and not by running to the court for everything.

3) Most people have custody agreements that specify the county that the children are to live in. If you move away without approval from the court, you stand to lose custody. One of my neighbor's lost most of her custody this way and only gets her children during the summer.

The best thing we can do for our children is not add to their stress level by freaking out over everything. We need to let our own homes be refuges from the craziness. We need to just handle what we can handle and trust God with the rest. The children should have a chance to see a counselor so that they can deal with all of the emotions that they are feeling. Often times, the way that we respond to an angry ex can be just as damaging to our children as what the ex is doing. We've got to seriously look at it from our children's perspective and do everything we can do to provide them with peace.


#15

[quote="SarahR, post:12, topic:183761"]
Great advice. Encourage the mom to try to calm down before she replies to his antics.

OP, the legal system is a failure sometimes. An absolute failure. But God is bigger than this, really truly He is. Nothing can thwart God's plan for this little boy. People can choose destructive behavior and God will somehow make a new path. This life isn't fair, your family has paid a price for that. But I hope this family will reroute their energies into making his life a good wholesome one when he is with his mom.

The dad sounds like he is a real piece of work and has many connections to drain energy and time. Sometimes we hang onto a hope that the legal system will somehow see and ride in on a white horse and lay out real justice. Well it isn't going to happen.

The stable parent needs to accept, hard as it can be, that things with the dad will fall so very short of where they should be...and realize she can cooperate with God to make a beautiful loving stable life for this little boy when he's with her. Are they catholic? Never underestimate the power of a house blessing, religious artwork and a regular prayer life for the children. Teach them to be strong. Turn this horrid nightmare into something positive. That people can throw their worst at you and guess what, you may need to make a stop to the Adoration chapel or pray an extra Rosary but by george that peace still remains in you because you've got grace! Teach these children to carry their crosses with grace and dignity, patience and TRUST in God. He is so much bigger than this garbage being thrown at your family. God fashioned the eye, so He does see what's going on. Pray the psalms. Encourage her to make her home a loving stable peaceful environment. That boy sounds like he needs a safe place and your sister should take encouragement from the fact that God will help her give this to her boy.

God bless.

[/quote]

Thank you for your kind words. I have told her all this before, but maybe hearing it from some else, she will do it, especially the Adoration time. I will say this. The boy will not pray. He use to be so into Bible stories and wanted to pray the Rosary and they use to pray, but ever since spending more time with his dad, he hates to go to Mass and doesn't pray. He refuses to even listen to it. So my sister and her daughter pray the Rosary. It saddens my sister. He has changed a lot. He use to want to be a priest. He had a nightmare one time where the devil told him that he will have his soul. He needs us to pray for him.

I will email your response to my sister too. Thanks again.


#16

Just to let everyone know. The judge wants to hear the case and it is set for Monday the 25th. I don’t know the time. That is the Conversion of St. Paul. I pray that St. Paul will pray for the conversion of this dad and his wife. I pray for my sister to be reunited with her son.


#17

Nana, I am praying for your sister and her son. I know how hard it is.


#18

The parent with whom the children live DOES have choices. She can move as far as possible within the state. She can fight legally every step of the way. She can enforce the court visitiation to the letter.

No one is a victim unless they let themselves be.

If you’ve never been involved with a narcissist in the legal system, you have no idea what you are saying here. The courts can and do make it so you cannot leave the school district. Legal fighting often takes money that most single mothers don’t have. This mother obviously is going back to school to try to increase her income. You cannot force visitation if the police are your ex’s friends and they won’t bring the kid back to your place.

And yes, you can be a victim whether you like it or not.

Not every cop is a narcissist, and not every narcissist is a cop, but many of them find jobs that give them “special status” in society. And the court system is tailor made for the narcissistic personality to manipulate and make themself appear calm, cool, and collected while their real victims look guilty because they’re so frazzled and upset just with dealing with them.

I bet I could write this guy’s book without having heard another thing about him. (Let me guess… he hates his wife’s mother because she “meddled” in their marriage. The wife had no friends till the divorce because he chose who they hung out with… (only his cop friends.). He probably threatened that things would happen to her and she is scared still for her own safety because he could make her disappear and no one would come looking for her.)

What is going on here is diabolical. I’d suggest that multiple prayers to St. Michael (also patron of police officers) daily be added to the mix.

I’m sure Officer Narcissist was a total jackass when the school officials told him he couldn’t just withdraw junior from school. Baby isn’t used to being told no. He’s the kind who will take down principal’s license number and then later one of his buddies will give them a ticket… No, I’m not besmirching police as a whole… but some of those guys can be real winners…

I would suggest to the OP that your sister pray continually to her son’s guardian angel. He may not be totally in control of the situation and there may be some bribery and intimidation going on too.


#19

If your lawyer has proof and tapes that would be allowed to be admitted in this case, I would bet money the boy is returned and things are settled out of court really quickly. When Officer NPD’s lawyer starts telling him how it will look if certain things in discovery come out and are put on public record, it could hurt his career. He may just cave in so that he can preserve his job (which is a bigger source of narcissistic supply than a little boy could ever be.)


#20

Thank you all, but, I have been involved with many ugly custody battles in my close circle.

Also, I could someone show me where I said to stay with a violent man???? I never said that. I said she chose to have this man in her life.

I'd REALLY suggst some books by Dr Laura.


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