Nana, just because someone takes the kids doesn't make them a narcissist. Maybe that woman is trying to protect the kids. Especially if he's into porn.
Please. The laws have rebounded from when we were kids. They used to favor mothers (often with good reason.) Now the fathers, (No matter how nasty, neglectful or violent) have "rights" that the courts cater to.
Not everyone has the opportunity to move 4.5 hours away. I wasn't allowed to move the kids out of their school district without my ex agreeing. Which of course he wouldn't. I've been here 12 years under legal restrictions. Many ex's find lawyers that find ways to make life horrible for us. They're paid royally to do so. And my kids spent years going over to his place 3, 4, 5, 6 times a week, for days at end according to the agreement I was forced to sign. (Sign here, or there will be a $40k trial that you might lose if the jury believes his lies and then you won't have your kids at all.) He was another one who looked all smooth in public.
Unless youv'e had someone stand in your driveway picking up the kids screaming at you, or calling your house (the one he used to live in that he tried to kick you out of) you have no idea how hard it is.
Don't we all wish we could have just taken the kids and never dealt with the man again! And no, I did not have the money to pay my lawyer $350 an hour to listen to that man rant. He would have been happy to run up my legal fees like that. In fact, he did. He stretched the legal stuff out for 3.5 years refusing to finish the divorce he started. Cost me tens of thousands!
It's just a legal way that abusive men continue to open old wounds and refuse to let someone heal. But if it helps you feel good to rub salt in the wounds, and tell us we're responsible for our own "victimization," good. My ex would like you for that. You're continuing his work. I'll offer my pain you cause up for the child he has lured away who I don't often see, because he lets the teen do whatever teen wants while I was the dependable parent with the rules.
In fact, he even went around town and told everyone I was the crazy one. So I had to live among people and go into the school with people being told lies about ME.
Unless you've ever personally been the victim of such targeted and deliberate evil please don't lecture. Second-hand divorce stories from the point of view of children at the time don't begin to deal with the whole picture. Most of us do the best we can and those men FORCE us to have to deal with them whether we want to or not. And they use our own children against us, buying their affection, making promises, lavishing them with time and attention they never showed when the family was together. As we struggle to pay off mounting legal bills and cope with 66 percent less income, they're out dating and bringing strangers into our childrens' lives. Again, unless you've personally lived it, don't announce that those of us involved in this "chose" our own personal hell.
It kind of negates the validity of anything else you'd say.